so im freaking out right now... i want to bp, i have like no food... I just want to sleep

the eval at the partial was well i dont know the right word to describe it
They think I may be too underweight to go, meaning I may have to go inpatient first.

I was really not happy about that.... but then they said my insurance is being very strict with people now adays because of budget cuts and I will only be allowed 25 days at the partial. that is 5 weeks. they think I will do better ip then go to the partial, i will be able to get more from the partial.

so the freaking out tonight is i really thought I was fine but im not. my potassium is low, and i still bpd today and took lax. I dont want to be hurting myself. my legs are hurting a lot tonight. I didnt think I was hurting myself but I am, i dont want to die from this. I want to be okay.

I called my therapist and told her that I think I want to be put on a psych unit until I can get to the eating disorder hospital. I dont want to be home and deal with the feelings of binging and purging. I cant deal with all that I am feeling right now. I just want to go back to feeling like everything is okay, but actually have me being okay.

I have been crying for the last hour or so... I have to get up early and go get bloodwork tomorrow... im scared my potassium has not righted itself.

What other damage have I done to myself? I cant deal with this.
I am going to bp... i have some broccoli in the freezer and some fish... i know its not much but maybe it will exhaust myself enough to pass out or sleep.

Today went okay i guess, im still freaking out a little though but I will get to that in a minute

I weighed in at 113.0 today, so I lost 4.8 pounds last week... cool

Therapy was ehh, my therapist actually was trying to do something productive (rather talk about my eating and weight over and over), we talked about my thoughts and me trying to figure out if they are true or false (sick thoughts)

I met with my friend we had lunch, I had this really good chicken caberra wrap thing, and my friend had lobster mac and cheese. I didnt know this place in town but yeah I am definitely going again sometime, just have to find someone to go with.

I worked for my friend for 2 hours... then she dropped me off at my dr appointment. While waiting to be seen I went and purged a little of my lunch... I know it wasnt all of it let alone half but it helped my thoughts a little

They did my height and weight... I am actually 5'11.25" so I am actually a quarter of an inch taller than I thought. I was not able to see my weight though. So I dont know what they think my weight is.

They did 2 ekgs, after the 1st one the nurse checked all the leads but they were all connected (I thought something was wrong for a minute) but nothing was said about it by my doctor.
My potassium is a little low though, not good... but my dr said I could fix it with eating or drinking gatorade so it is not that bad. I bought a bottle of G2, and I have to get repeat bloodwork on wednesday. She said I was dehydrated a little too. But I have been drinking all day so I dont know

I made $30 working for my friend, I was supposed to give $20 to someone for something but when I went to the store to buy the G2 I kind of lost my head, I bought what I could and spent all the money plus 31 cents from my bank account that has like 40 cents left in it.

I started eating as soon as I got home... now what Im freaking about still... I should have weighed myself before I started eating because after I was all done purging my weight is still 3 pounds up from this morning... I dont know how much of the lunch is still in my body but damn i dont want it in there...  I want to take lax but I  dont know if I should, well I know I probably shouldnt until I get my bloodwork done and make sure my potassium is better. But crap the food is turning to fat and im gonna gain more weight... uggg I am so frustrated... im mad too I just want to eat more and more... I am seriously just wanting to eat everything.

My bp was 11 pounds and I was not even full when I purged... but like my skin was all tight whereas when I have not binged my stomach skin hangs... but it looked like the skin of a pregnant lady all stretched...

I am so tired too but I want to bp again but I KNOW I dont have the energy to purge so I cant eat... uggg

tomorrow is the eval with the buffalo centre I will write about how it goes... but im gonna try to go to bed... hopefully sleep, then maybe I can get away from my thoughts for a little while.

I did drink 8 oz of G2 gatorade... so im trying to be okay.

Alright hi, I am so tired, I got like 3.5-4 hours of sleep, didnt fall asleep till almost 7:30 am... uggg I thought my weight would be crap because it usually is if I dont sleep well. But hey IM down! 113.6! I dont know how I am losing so fast right now. I am not doing anything differently. But hey I am not complaining

I am bping right now... 5 peanut butter and jam sandwiches and 2 turkey burgers, a chicken breast, and 2 cups of rice. I would eat more but I dont have much else to choose from.

I am worried about tomorrow... I know my therapist is going to ask me my weight I dont want to tell her but my doctor will find out tomorrow too. I was thinking of water loading or something but there is a part of me that doesnt want to. I am basically already going to treatment so they know I dont weigh as much as I should. I might be having lunch before the dr appointment.
my day is looking like get up and ready...
be at the lab by 8:45-9
go to therapy 10
go home 11 or meet friend then or 12
lunch with friend
work for friend
dr appointment 3:15
I would like to go home first but that is unlikely because I work for my friend for 2 hours usually
my case worker wants to meet me at the drs office and be there

uggg tomorrow is not looking fun although I do want to spend time with my friend.

Laila-yeah our frenemy (friend/enemy) ed is causing problems... ugg I have been taking the zyprexa for a couple days I havnt noticed anything yet so I hope all side effects stay away. Love you dear <3

so I didnt post yesterday... sorry i find it hard to post sometimes... yesterdays weight was 114.7 I am so glad I broke through this plateau I hope I can get to 110 before treatment but that is a lot to lose still.

I have a doctors appointment monday... the dr office messaged the lab and I have to go get a bunch of bloodwork done monday morning before therapy. I wont be able to eat anything after 8 pm tomorrow... I HATE when I have restrictions on when I can eat (when I dont make the restrictions)

Today my weight was up to 114.9 stupid fat me...

I bpd a little while ago got my weight up to 125.4, after purging I was 114.7, I like never get to my morning weight after a bp let alone lower ... I am glad its down, I hope tomorrow it is lower

Ive been kind of antsy and wanna do something but not sure what nor do I have the energy to do much. I wanna do some craft or something but I just keep looking through what I have not really finding anything to do, I have a crap load of stuff too ehh oh well

alright I guess that is it for tonight... <3

Hey Im sorry for not posting for a couple days. I have been extremely tired... its just too much energy to do much... Thinking to write a post is hard lol

well today my weight was 116.8 and 116.6 (I use 2 scales) I am surprised I am down, last night I ate 5 nutty buddy bars, 3 little debbie cakes and didnt purge right away because I had taken my meds right before I lost it and binged... I waited about 2 hours... then ate more and was like okay its been long enough my meds should be absorbed some and purged... I could still taste my meds though (ICK) I even took 2 lax before I purged... the meds must have got in my system because the lax worked even though I purged it.

so my appointment on tuesday with my psychiatrist went as I expected. She asked my case worker to sit in the meeting, she said that she will not see me any longer until after I get more treatment. I either had to get into the partial program with in the next 2 weeks or possibly be hospitalized. She gave me a new med to try... it causes weight gain (zyprexa) but she said it is a very low dose so it shouldnt, but that is what she said about the risperdal. I just picked the medication up from the pharmacy today so I am supposed to take it tonight.

I am trying to get my head wrapped around the thought of treatment... and gaining weight.

I am so tired I am not sure what else to write... I have a bowl of rice on the counter I want to eat but I dont have the energy to purge it so I cant eat it.

I had that almost pass out feeling last night (where i cant see/everything turns black), I walked from my room to the kitchen with it, I felt like my blood sugar was bottoming out, I had just purged... that is when I binged on the little debbie crap. I have not had that feeling in awhile.

I fricken bit my lip earlier and while walking back from the pharmacy I am spitting blood every few steps, it was gross but I couldnt swallow it. Then when binging earlier I bit it again... FRICKEN thing hurts and is swollen so its easier to bite. uggg

I accidentally over drew my bank account... CRAP I called my parents to see if I could borrow $20 to cover the negative so they dont charge me $35 for a $17 over draft. FRICKEN STUPID MONEY PROBLEMS

I have an evaluation with the eating disorder partial on tuesday. I dont know what to really think... ohh and my case worker called my doctors office and got me in there on monday... (surprised because my drs office called and moved my appointment to the beginning of august a week or 2 ago) So yeah I am thrilled about that... not really

im tired, im gonna go lay down
ohh look at my new mug, plate and spoon set

hey... weight 118.0 and 117.8 so 118.0

I am feeling very frustrated. I had therapy this morning... My therapist is at the point where she wants me in the hospital.
No one really seems to care that I feel fine.

My therapist says my judgement  doesnt not matter right now, my cognitive functions are decreased (yet I can still read and do other activities alright) I dont know

I like the sound of not bping and eating normally but as soon as I remember I will gain weight it is like a giant red stop sign in my head, saying STOP! YOU CANT GAIN WEIGHT! If I could get around that it would be better but right now that is enough to keep me from eating or keeping food down.

I feel really stuck. If I dont go to the partial I am going to be put in-patient but will the partial be helpful if I am not totally in for recovery? If I am only half way?

I was hoping transportation was not going to work out for me to go to the partial but a couple hours ago my case worker called and she told me they were able to figure it out. So the option for the partial is positively there.

I really dont know what to think, I was told to do some thinking but my thoughts just keep going in a circle
Its pointless

uggg... I think I am at a plateau weight wise... I have been stuck at 118-119 (plus or minus a pound) since the 21st of last month, alright enough is enough lets get this weight moving down again

I went over to my sisters for a little while yesterday, did laundry and hung around with Kayla. I brought some beads over and we decorated her crutches a little... and she made a bracelet and necklace.

At one point Kayla was beading and I was sitting next to her helping and her mom was making Kayla a hot dog and Kayla started telling her mom to make one for me, that I wanted one... I said no its okay... Kayla had already eaten one and she said I want only half, will you have the other half? I agreed... It was very strange for Kayla to be so adamant that I eat, I worry that I am scaring/worrying her with my weight loss. Maybe it was nothing but it was very strange.

I did alright today... I made it to 6 pm before I ate, I was thinking of fasting but then after taking a nap I just started eating... ehh oh well I dont really do fasting well anyway.

I have therapy tomorrow... I havnt heard anything from her or my case worker regarding treatment so we will see what she has to say tomorrow... I have my psychiatrist on tuesday...
My therapist should not complain I havnt lost any weight in the last few weeks... (which SUCKS)

I dont know... hey here are my guys... I love them SO MUCH!!!