Hey loves,
you would never believe what I did today... oh my gosh I can't believe I actually did it. Especially for me never having guts or the nerve to do something anxiety provoking.

So I have been thinking about Mark for awhile now... (I dated him in 2008, about 6 months) Well I wrote him a letter not sure if I would ever find him or his phone number or anything... I searched online but I was not sure how to spell his last name. I have been to his house once. I went with my sister today for a drive and I went and found his house!
Okay yes this can be creepy or stalker-ish  so we pulled up to the house, I debated a minute with my sister if I was going to go to the door or if I would stick the letter in the mailbox. I CHOSE the door, lol yeah seriously, but he wasnt home :(
His mom answered, she was watching his son. (At least it wasn't a wife or girlfriend) And I asked her to give Mark the letter when he came home. she agreed.

After getting back to my sisters house like 25 minutes later, his mom called me and said that Mark would call me when he got home from work. He was excited to hear from me. (WOW)
He called me about 5:15 talked for 45 minutes and I called him at 7 and talked for an hour, and now he is texting me... its so nice Just listening to him with his son playing legos and building trucks... He is 4 now... so big!

I dont know, i am just like crazy giddy right now... lol its crazy, I am crazy lol okay thats it for tonight <3

Hey guys... getting ready for bed... got therapy tomorrow... i didnt go last week... so it will be good.

went to my sisters yesterday spent the night, my older niece is bugging the crap out of me... but what is new.

I dont know... getting ready for camping next weekend, we are hoping for nicer weather... hopefully I find out tomorrow if my mom is coming, it would be really nice.

uggg I purged yesterday evening after eating at my sisters... dinner and zucchinini bread... I didn't purge right away but when I did I threw up about a cup of green beans I had the day before... over 24 hours before.... AND people wonder why I dont like putting things into my body and not being able to take it out... it just sits there and makes me uncomfortable and sometimes painful. it wasn't like it was just one or two green beans... it was a bunch in my stomach and I had eaten no wonder my belly hurt there was so much stuff in it. it was disgusting, I am disgusting.

Camping is going to be hard not purging.... I may get away with it once but I can't push my luck. I have to try not to eat much... haha yeah isn't that a realistic thought... ugggg I hate my lack of willpower in resisting foods.

alright I guess this is it for tonight... love yous

Hey girls... doctors appointment today... talked again about my ed... she thinks i am doing better... i think i am some... i weighed myself today... not good... 167... what the heck... i dont purge for a day or two and i gain 4 pounds. uggg

i ate and purged 2 times today, not great, not good either... blah

talked to my dr about my bio mom and the possible breast cancer... she and i talked about the possibility of genetic testing if my mom does have cancer. if she gets the test and is positive then my doctor would say do it right away. I havn't talked to my mom about it though, i don't want to upset her, she is very upset already with the tumors. (not that i wouldnt be)

I was supposed to be seeing her the end of the month, its been 5 years since i have seen her... going camping next weekend and my mom is supposed to come up and go with my sister and the kids.

ugg ok i guess that is it... im tired

Hey... doing alright... havnt checked my weight in a few days... will tomorrow... i have a doctors appointment so I gotta know...

Still am fat but whats  new... didn't purge today... days just about over and i am making some popcorn

i was so tired after the baby shower... i slept almost all day yesterday... was okay today still tired but not to where I couldn't move.

i ate yogurt, cool whip free, bread. sf popsicles, and zucchini... and soon popcorn... could be worse alright night

Arrg... my laptop computer died today... this really sucks... at least I have my old computer even though it is so old it is pathetic. I need to buy a computer... damn I wish I had the money... but dont we all

wow i was watching the news today and a psychiatric patient was being transferred by ambulance to another hospital and was able to unhook himself and jumped out of a moving ambulance on the 590... he hasn't died but his injuries are grave so he may die... I can't believe he was able to get unhooked in the ambulance and jump before the ambulance could stop. I have thought of jumping from a moving vehicle before... so glad I never did... not only dangerous for the jumper but for the other drivers on the road.

I found out today that my real mom might have cancer... well she is not sure but she had a mammogram a few weeks ago and they called her back and she had to have another one and then an ultrasound... she has about 5 masses.
My grandmother (moms mom) died of breast cancer when she was 42. This is not good. I think I have a higher risk of breast cancer too.

ugg sorry,... it is so hot today... 90 degrees right now... sweating like a pig.
got my staples out today... sore but definitely better...

alright i gotta go to the store... <3

hey... am feeling super disgusting... my weight is so gross... I have purged a little more... I thought I would stop... or try... sunday night I was 168... that is so bad...

I look ridiculous... so fat

I go back to the doctor thursday... get my staples out... they itch so bad...  one fell out the other day... but it was not in very well and it did not cause the cut to open up... my stomach is still bruised... gross and fat

alright sorry this is just complaining but that is it for tonight <3

sorry i havn't written on here in a while...
i am nervous right now... i have my surgery tomorrow... I had a nightmare this morning... did not sleep well last night... taking a sleeping pill tonight... I have to be at the hospital at 6:30 am... the surgery is scheduled for 8 am...
less than 12 hours away...

I have been purging a little less... my weight has shown that I should not stop purging... I am up to 161... I WILL NOT let it stay this high... I doubt I will be purging much after the surgery but I will have to be very strict on what I eat then.

alright i love you laila... shannon if you read this i love you too <3