hey... so yesterday i went with my friend to the drive in, we saw Cars 2 and Mr. Poppers Penguins, they were pretty good. I like spending time with friends, I hate how I dont have many and have too much social anxiety to really make new ones. But I like the friends I do have. They are the best.

I spent the night at her house, didnt sleep well but I usually dont at anyone elses houses
we stopped at Tim Hortons this morning... I got a bagel and muffin and ice capp.

I got home and did a couple things on the computer and went to the store and bought a few things and came home and binged... purged, my weight was 120 (not bad for little sleep and after bping) And I kept down light popcorn last night (took my own 200 cal bag with me to the drive in)

I laid down and took about an hour nap, got up went outside for awhile and read. Came in and binged... purged.   sat around using the computer... its about 10 pm now im finishing another bp

I am taking a normal dose of lax tonight, I may be going over to my sisters tomorrow, see the kids and do laundry. May end up spending the night... not sure what my weight is gonna do...

I havnt measured in almost 2 weeks... I feel so fat

My friend said I am very thin, I wish I could understand that. I 'understand' that my weight is lower and technically I am underweight but I still have so much fat on me. Wont it be okay if I just lose that? I dont understand... I know all this is absolutely ridiculous, I know it is the disorder messing with my thinking but uggg I hate not understanding sh*t

alright I gotta go purge and im tired so its bed time

Laila- I hate gaining from bping (well i hate gaining period)... usually my days are not as bad as that... I think partial is a good idea for some people but I dont really think I need it. I feel fine... yeah my eating is not great but who in america is really that healthy of an eater? a high percentage of americans are unhealthy eaters and are subsequently overweight/obese... im just trying to stop myself from being like that... i dont know... that arguement doesnt sound as convincing as it did in my head lol

so thank goodness i did not gain today... still 118.8 THANK GOODNESS
I didnt end up taking lax last night... i said to wait and make sure the mucus stuff stopped... I think I will take them again friday, I really am surprised that I am taking them so often again... I am not taking bunches but I thought I would stick to taking them once every other week but now its several times a week. but I only take 1-2 pills so it shouldnt be messing with my electrolytes or anything...  im kinda just waiting for them to stop working though and then needing to increase them. thats what happened before... when i was bad with them

i bp'd 2 times today... purging was a bit easier the first time... surprised... the second time was not bad but not great... my night weight was 120.4 better than the 122.2 of last night (or the 126.2 after the bad purge yesterday)

I am going to go grab a popsicle... NOT BP

I have been so tired the past week... i tell you last night waking up and going to the bathroom and stuff I felt so drugged (didnt take sleeping pill either) I woke up and fed Tiger this morning and could barely keep my eyes open... then when my case worker called to see me I set my alarm for 12:30 am instead of pm, woke up at 12:55 and could still hardly wake up... case worker showed up at 1:10 (thankfully she was late) I barely looked presentable lol

I ended up taking a nap at 4 i think and slept till 7 but could have slept longer but forced myself to get up and eat (i wanted to eat)... im ready to pass out again... my head is heavy... my eyes are heavy... so im gonna wrap this up, i need to take my meds and just sleep

im gonna go garden for nancy tomorrow and then going out with a friend to the drive in... hopefully  i wont freeze at that (gonna wear pants and bring a sweater, but it is supposed to be in the 70s tomorrow)

alright... i will try to post tomorrow but cant guarantee it <3

ohhh Kayla got her cast re-wrapped for the permanent cast (for the 6 weeks)

ohhh crap... i know i am CRAZY

i went to get a drink to take my meds and lax with... seriously... im crazy... i started eating... wtf... i thought well im gonna take lax so just eat... umm no... i binged again... purged again... got my weight to 130.8 WTF I have not seen that with a binge in a few weeks or more!
But I purged better... maybe because I was just so full? I dont know sometimes I binge again to get up what I couldnt earlier... so I think that was in the back of my head...

well got my weight down 4 more pounds than I could last purge... but im still up about 3 pounds...
im a little nervous about taking lax even though i need to, i didnt take any last night but the night before I did and yesterday i didnt go hardly but i had gas so i know the lax did stimulate my intestines... well today ive had a bit of mucus... ive had that before but usually with bowel movements... maybe i wont take as many as i was going to

uggg i have done too much today... i have sores on my tongue

uggg i feel crazy

I f*d up... had 2 okay bps and went for another... should have stopped while I was ahead...

made some asparagus (was initially thinking of keeping it down) but started eating other stuff... so nope...

well i ate biscuits too... that was it but it was 16 biscuits and a bunch of asparagus... well my body wont give them up... damn it... I keep drinking and purging that but its not bringing it up... I can feel a hard lump where my stomach is... the stupid biscuits must have stuck all together... even though I drank about 50 oz when actually eating them...

I cant keep trying to purge... my kidneys are being hyperactive now... that is usually a sign it has been a 'stressful/successful' purge... i tried to think what changes in my body happen to suddenly cause mass production of urine... but the only possible explanation i can think of is a change in my electrolytes... so i cant purge any more tonight... i am taking 4 times as much lax as i usually use to try to get this crap out of me quick...

I did get rid of 3 pounds purging but I am still 7-8 up from this morning... I have not been this heavy in awhile... and god tomorrow my weight is gonna still be horrifying...

had therapy today... my therapist is trying to get me into a partial program... trying to set up transportation... if she can set it up she is starting the referral process she said. I told her I hope the transportation falls through because I dont need this. I am okay medically and physically and mentally... so why waste anything on me... i dont really need it.

but my therapist said she and my psychiatrist and case worker and doctor wont let me starve myself to death (not what i am doing, i am losing fat, im not gonna die, my health is FINE)

uggg so i gotta go pee again... later <3

hey... weight same as yesterday 119.8 but i cant complain because I was at a picnic/party all day yesterday so I am glad I didnt gain

Yesterday was eventful... bad news first... Kayla broke her leg, she was bike riding a fell somehow, she broke the tibia up near her knee...

She missed the picnic and fireworks but she is doing okay now

At the picnic things were good, my sister Mandy asked me to keep an eye on her little one (Pierce, almost 2 yrs old) and she would pay me... so I kept busy running around with him, and even going in the bounce house jumping with him... Let me tell you Pierce is very active! (what 2 yr old isnt)
So I definitely burned more calories and made $20 doing it.

I purged 2 times at the picnic, (when i was no longer responsible for Pierce), I only ate when i knew i was going to purged. I didnt have anyone give me gripe for my weight or eating (thank goodness). My sisters dads wife asked me some questions, asked if my weightloss was on purpose, kind of odd talking to her because i see her maybe once a year...

Good news... the lax i took the night before worked before the picnic so i was alright
I took lax last night and im not sure how to take this but didnt really make me go just gave me gas... i dont know if that means I purged good and there was nothing in me (a good thought) but that also means the weight being up to 119.8 means real weight gain... Not GOOD

I have therapy tomorrow... not sure what is going to happen... probably not much...

I took a picture of the bathing suit I bought... (I wore it when the fireworks were going off, everyone was watching them and I got in the hot tub) Nice because I had it all to myself.

ohh and the picture of my sunburn... it still gets red at night...

Alright... ive got to get going... binging right now gotta purge soon... had 3 bps today

Alright I gotta make this quick... its late... weight was up today :( 118.2 not sure why... just fluctuating I guess... I will be taking lax tomorrow night... Got a party/picnic tomorrow...

My niece and nephew are sleeping over tonight... ate with them a couple times... was able to purge after (dinner)

Made a crapload of cupcakes... I have to frost them tomorrow but I made the frosting already... i just have to add vanilla flavoring I forgot that... I will take pictures of the cupcakes...

I bought a new bathing suit too... Will take a picture of that too...

I made popcorn on the stove today... it was pretty good but man very oily... not sure if I will continue doing it that way... (my first time was tonight)

I just ate about 12 cookies and some potatoes after the popcorn... gotta go purge in a minute, Kayla is sleeping, nick is getting there... really tired...

Thats why I gotta wrap this up he is sleeping in the living room... so later, I am not sure I will be able to get on at all tomorrow... <3

Laila- I am so glad you are alright and was just on vacation... im trying to be healthy-ish... not acting stupid with my health (well any more stupid than the ed)... I dont know when I will know anything... maybe a little something tuesday but we will see, I will write as soon as I know anything. Love you Laila

hey... weight 117.4

I sunburned my legs... oops... at least its only my legs... i took a picture... lol will post it tomorrow maybe

I had 3 bps today... got money so they were good...
I made fried dough earlier... it was alright at first but after a couple bites I just tasted oil so I ended up throwing the rest out... I couldn't make myself eat it when it turned to oil when I chewed it. I used crescent roll dough so that made it too flaky too... ehh so if I ever try to make it again I will use like biscuit dough... but I dont like using boiling oil on the stove so I may not make it again

uggg i hope my sister doesnt bail on taking me grocery shopping tomorrow... I wouldnt put it past her though

I need to make 3 dozen cupcakes for the party/picnic on sunday

i have this bruise on my right hipbone... i was not sure what caused it but when I went for a walk earlier I noticed it is from my purse... yeah my purse hits my hipbone (or puts enough pressure on it) to cause a bruise... odd

im tired and i guess i dont have as much to write as i thought... will write tomorrow