I have been trying to add pictures for half an hour... so here is the one i can do im not gonna spend all night with the website screwing up

alright this is the only one i have to post right now but that is Missa and Aiden!

Baby Aiden Kyler has been born!

September 24th 2010, 5:02 pm 6 pounds 4 ounces 19 inches long...

i will post pictures as soon as i have some for the computer

Missa has gone to the hospital to be induced... we will likely have a baby tomorrow!

well um im frustrated...
got up today already upset... ate and got sick... before i did anything else.

I dont know whats wrong but I must have done something wrong with Mark... He came over on tuesday and he stayed for about an hour... I wish he wanted to see me more and not just for a little something... but when i am with him i cant think straight and i want to be with him so telling me not to be with him is like telling someone in a desert to not drink... ha ohh i dont know if that was the right metaphor either... ugg

so I have only heard from Mark once (text) and he never answered... I text him last night to see if he was okay but he never answered... I dont even bother trying to call him he never answers unless he asks to call me.

I dont know I just want to cry... I wish it were easier... heck i must be a baby I always wish for things to be easier... its ridiculous

and im so fat... its gross... you see what i have been eating and my weight is still up, not losing a damn thing... gaining or barely staying the same... I just want to cut all this fat off me... I wish I were a surgeon... then I could do it... ahhh what the heck this is pointless im not a surgeon, im not gonna cut myself up to destroy the fat... its there... its gonna stay there until my body knows what it wants to do... obviously I am just waiting around for this f-in body to realize that fat is bad. I could eat 500 calories a day and my body would still be horrendous and gain... its useless.... when it gets like this and I have NO control I just want to die or go away from my brain... like get so f-ed up that I wont remember shit... I know I dont really want to die but I want to get away from my thoughts and this fat.
I just start thinking about the suicide attempt last year and I know I dont want to die... I dont want to feel like that... not really truly knowing what is after death... is it just nothing... your brain ceases to function and it all just stops... the stopping would be great but there is no coming back... that not so much great...

uggg okay sorry... i should go sleep or something...
<3

Blahh fat fat fat today...

there was a fire in the building next to mine at my complex, it was not bad but I thought it was a drill and left Tiger inside... I am a horrible mother... I CANNOT leave him in the house if there is ever another fire alarm...

I ate and got sick 2 times... what the heck it is so easy to get into these routines... I am so hungry today and I just want to keep eating... I have already kept in more than usual... uggg

New day here, well almost over now...
only got sick once today... here is my food

So yeah I am not eating a ton but its a lot in some eyes,
I have yet to eat my popcorn tonight, but that will add about 180 calories

love you guys

I had a so-so day...  saw mark... was nice... wish I could spend more time with him... not just an hour here or there.

I had cereal 2 times today... purged it both times but did eat some and keep in:

I think I am going to try to stick with my daily plate for awhile... its not too hard I already keep records in a journal...

hey... just an update real quick im heading for bed

weekend was crazy... nick got hurt in his football game on saturday, spent 5 hours in the emergency room with him... he didnt break his leg but messed up his knee. He has to see a sports injury specialist.
We had Kaylas birthday party on sunday... was nice it was her first one with friends from school... she was so hyper. lol

ummm ed front? confused... I weighed myself and the scale is up yet again... I told my therapist today that I was think I have to go back to the ed if I dont want to keep gaining weight... she suggested I call my psychiatrist and see if she will alter some of my meds because she believes it is the med that is making me gain. I have been eating alright, not over eating... and the weight is still adding... something needs to change.

I purged today and have only eaten some cereal and milk (only 1 bowl) and kept that in...

I really suck with getting better... Alright gotta go... Mark wants to come over in the morning... but can only stay and hour :(
<3

I have been putting off writing... Ive messed up... whats new... 3 bad days... I need to get back on track.
I weighed myself the other day and it is up... What the heck... why does trying to eat better mean weight gain?

I hate this... why is getting better so hard... being sick was so easy for so long, i mean yeah there were times when it was difficult but it was just easier to let myself be sick.

I dont know I just wish it was easier... if eating better and not purging is whats best then why is it so hard...

in other news, my mom is out of the hospital, she got out Wednesday night. She has to do her own IV antibiotics... but she is walking somewhat better and is using a walker to get around.

alright gotta get back on track.. night

Hi,
Laila- responding to your comment: Umm what makes me go purge free... I thought I was just lazy... but I think some of it has to do with this medication I am taking... it is used to fight obsessions and compulsions... I really didn't think it was that though initially... but I found that slowly I was able to not act on my impulse to immediately and slowly putting it off helped build my tolerance.
Am I motivated to get out of my ed? yes... but I don't want to get fatter, I need to find a good middle. If I could be thin- really thin and be okay that would be what I would want but my body does not want that, I want to live as long as possible and I feel that this ed has been taking its time from my life... I dont know if that makes sense.
Am I working on eating and purging less through therapy? yes and no... its not our constant focus but if I am struggling we talk about it... she helped me work on my menu- i otherwise would not have been able to do it, i have panic attacks just trying. typing it up was hard enough.
Am I ready to recover? Gosh yes I certainly think that would be amazing, as long as I dont get fatter...
I am trying this eating better, purging less/none if my body cannot handle it and continues to gain weight I am not sure I can stay on this recovery path, but it would be really nice to not have my life controlled by when i eat, how much i eat, if i can purge etc. and on and on...

hmm well being hard on myself is the easiest thing I do, most natural... not necessarily the best thing though... yeah everyone deserves a snack every once in awhile but if I could stop at just 3 cookies and not 15 or the whole package that would be better but i am not there yet.

thanks for the thoughts about my mom... i hope they can find out what it wrong too... its so hard, i am so worried about her
love you laila! thanks for asking me questions too it feels good to explain it because then im actually making more sense to myself... {{{HUGZ}}}

hey... going grocery shopping tomorrow... i did well in preparing... (1st time for everything lol)

I made a menu for a week, and will continue it after the week is over... 3 meals, 3 snacks...

healthy... hopefully I can eat a little more regularly and get my metabolism going... I am disgusting... I am weighing myself tomorrow also... starting a new month... better foods, little to no purging... I almost purged today... its been like 2-3 weeks? its been awhile.. I was going to take myself out to eat and just purge but i chose to go to the store and get a small sub, i was not entirely strong but I didnt let myself purge... I bought some cookies that I wanted to purge... but i didnt eat the whole package. I dont know I feel kind of glad that I didnt but knowing that I still broke down and bought some crap foods is something I need to work on.

in other news... my mom was being transfered to another hospital this afternoon... now they are not sure what is wrong again... they thought it was lyme disease but they ran 2 tests and one was positive and the other negative...  and now she is having severe headaches since the spinal tap... it can be caused by the spinal tap but it should be getting better. the spinal tap was monday. I have not heard from my mom or the new hospital.  I hope I hear from them tomorrow... I am not even sure what hospital they transferred her to.

hmmm uggg alright thats it for tonight... luv ya ladies