Hi,
Laila- responding to your comment: Umm what makes me go purge free... I thought I was just lazy... but I think some of it has to do with this medication I am taking... it is used to fight obsessions and compulsions... I really didn't think it was that though initially... but I found that slowly I was able to not act on my impulse to immediately and slowly putting it off helped build my tolerance.
Am I motivated to get out of my ed? yes... but I don't want to get fatter, I need to find a good middle. If I could be thin- really thin and be okay that would be what I would want but my body does not want that, I want to live as long as possible and I feel that this ed has been taking its time from my life... I dont know if that makes sense.
Am I working on eating and purging less through therapy? yes and no... its not our constant focus but if I am struggling we talk about it... she helped me work on my menu- i otherwise would not have been able to do it, i have panic attacks just trying. typing it up was hard enough.
Am I ready to recover? Gosh yes I certainly think that would be amazing, as long as I dont get fatter...
I am trying this eating better, purging less/none if my body cannot handle it and continues to gain weight I am not sure I can stay on this recovery path, but it would be really nice to not have my life controlled by when i eat, how much i eat, if i can purge etc. and on and on...

hmm well being hard on myself is the easiest thing I do, most natural... not necessarily the best thing though... yeah everyone deserves a snack every once in awhile but if I could stop at just 3 cookies and not 15 or the whole package that would be better but i am not there yet.

thanks for the thoughts about my mom... i hope they can find out what it wrong too... its so hard, i am so worried about her
love you laila! thanks for asking me questions too it feels good to explain it because then im actually making more sense to myself... {{{HUGZ}}}