Hmm, sorry I havnt posted lately. I have been out of sorts I guess.
I got my money yesterday, I bought 6 donuts and ate and purged them... (also bought cereal and milk). I went to my therapy appointment after the b/p with the donuts. I felt sick even with purging there was just SO MUCH sugar.
I ended up b/ping 2 more times... a sub, and a box of cereal.
Today well I have been hungry but I really didnt know what for, so I went to the store in the rain. I bought several different things... I already b/p'd once... Why does everything I buy look better than it tastes? I start eating something and it just makes me nautious? My body knowing I am going to get rid of it anyway? So it makes me nautious? I have no idea.
Yesterday my AM weight was 133.0, today it was 132.2 What the Heck! Why am I still above 130? Its got to be the b/ping. If I didnt b/p (or even just eat and purge) I would so be much heavier because I would eat, at least something.
I am scared, even though I do want to lose weight, I am scared that if I keep trying something bad is going to happen to me. My friend that was my same height passed away when he was 110 lbs. I know people are different and I know I have more fat on me than he did. But with all the crap that has been happening with my heart and since the overdose I just have been more scared.
The overdose really make me realize that I dont want to die. I was so close to dying, I dont want to feel that way. Then when I started having palpatations I became very concerned. I had decided I didnt want to die and then what? my decisions and actions may be jepordizing my health?
I go back to the cardiologist on tuesday, when I was there before there was the notation in the chart for 'mild RVH' I looked it up 2 days after my last appointment and I found that the symptoms that I was experiencing were 'textbook' for that problem. I am hoping that if this 'RVH' thing is the problem that it is not overly serious. Easily dealt with. AND hopefully not caused by myself (ed or overdoses).
Alright I guess thats it... I am just not sure what to do right now... I am worried about my health and I still act on my eating disorder behaviors (purging). I want to say I am crazy but I think its worse than that. I just dont know how to put it into the right words.
~Kristi
=^..^=
1 comment:
hey hun.
typicalto buy everything when you have money, but when you start to eat it's not as yummys you thought i would be...
according to your weight its caused by the bp'ing...you usually gain a bit, but its all water usually tho..
sorry to hear how your feeling lately..we know he harm our bodies, but still we keep on doing this to ourselves..but then again, its not easy just quit doing the habbits we do..
but i really hope things will act up for you ASAP.
thinking about you my dear.
lots of love <3
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