Frustrated and floored

Hey girls,
I was just writing in a comment for Laila and well now I am thinking... uggg I hate my thoughts...
Why is it that people who find a way to hurt other people can get off easy? Okay yeah that is very vague...

When I was a young child I was sexually abused by my mothers friend... she sent me to live with him when I was 6. I still have memories and flashbacks about certain things that happened. I remember when I had finally gotten the nerve to tell my biological mom about what had happened (I had already been brought back home and told my step-father(mothers boyfriend))... My mothers boyfriend didnt believe me but took advantage of the fact that I was too scared to say anything to my mom. He started abusing me also.

My mother said she believed me but when the truth came out about her boyfriend (my stepfather) she had the charges dropped against the first guy.

Then she punished me.

I found out for sure years later that my mothers boyfriend (stepfather) was never punished AND then my biological mother married him! It turned out the marriage wasnt legal because he was already married.

Then yet again, when I was raped... I filed charges, but the bastard was not endited. How can this be? I was beginning to believe it was truly me. I mean not once, twice but now three times someone has hurt me 'that' way and they were not punished! That to me is saying well it must be you, I must be doing something. I must deserve it (deserved).
Hey guess what the guy who broke into my apartment and beat me up got a worse charge for damaging someones property than for breaking into my apartment and beating the crap out of me. HELLO!!!! I mean come on! Seriously! It must totally be me.

I cannot understand this.
UGGGGGGGGGGGG
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I ate a peanut butter and jam sandwich last night and didnt purge...  I would have sworn that it would have caused me to gain. But CRAP this morning I was 133.8! I was like FLOORED! I didnt believe it.
I have no idea how tomorrow will be... I ate once and purged. But I also kept down another peanut butter and jam sandwich. (light bread, peter pan peanut butter, and smuckers strawberry seedless jam)( a total of about 300 cals).

Ugggg, okay I guess that is it for tonight... it after 11 and im cold and tired.
luv ya ladies
~Kristi
=^..^=