circling -round and round

Hi,
Not much to say right now... I am so sick of waking up wet with sweat. I know I keep writing about it but it is very bothersome.
I was 144.8 when I got up.
I ate a can of pineapple and some banana bread (healthier kind I made).

I am hungry right now but I dont wanna eat anything.

I have eaten 5 cans of pineapple in the past 2 days, I love pineapple so very much but the acid is just burning my stomach. I have no more though so my stomach should heal back to its normal eating disordered self.

I have therapy tomorrow, then I am going to get my bloodwork done... I get my money tuesday, I will pay my rent and bills, then go get a few things at the store. Then I am going back over to my sisters to spend a couple days over there.

I wish I didnt have to spend the night everytime I wanna see the kids. but they live too far away for me to walk over or even ride my bike.

hmmm i am bored, i dont know what to do with myself. nothing is fun to do, nothing i really wanna do, i dont even feel like doing much on the computer, its too much work, as is cutting apart the fabric for my quilt, or even just trying to read. Ugggg

I guess this is it for tonight.
HUGZ
~Kristi
=^..^=

Tired

Hey friends,
I am totally disgusted with myself... I am close to 150 lbs. I dont know how this is happening. I am not eat a lot. I was keeping in a little more than I used to but seriously this cannot continue.

Today with my pajamas on I was 146.8 even though last night I was 149. I have no energy though so exercising is almost non-existent.

I am supposed to get lab work done soon, I hope that will explain the excessive sweating and tiredness. I woke up 3 times last night drenched in sweat. I am not even warm, let alone hot. I definately think the waking up drenched so often inhabits my sleep too.

Ohh and I asked my sister if I could get my exercise bike from her basement, she said she didnt think she had it anymore. She thought they either threw it away or gave it away. She didnt know. When I go over tuesday I am going to search the basement to check since my sister was not entirely sure of anything.

I am so tired... uggg alright I will write later,
Luv ya,
HUGZ
~Kristi
=^..^=

See you in a few days

I am going away for a couple of days, I hope you both have a nice holiday. Dont stress over the food too much, I am going to try not to but yeah I know that is unlikely.

I just wanted to let you guys know I will be gone and I love you guys.
HUGZ
~Kristi
=^..^=

Hey my Loves, I am sorry i havnt been around, I have been back and forth from my sisters. I have been spending time with the kids. Out late last wednesday with them, then friday-saturday i spend the night. Came home spent the night, then went back to my sisters sunday-monday. I painted my nieces room today. Ended up doing 2 coats of paint in about 4 1/2 hours. I specifically did it today because the kids still had school and I didnt have any appointments. I think it looks good. Its like a pastel pale pink. She has the Disney Princess's bedspread so it matches nicely.

Umm I am utterly disgusted with my body but I am trying to stay rather distracted with the kids. But I still think too much. I was 145ish yesterday after eating some cereal.

I find I do better with not purging when I am with people, like I did well when I visited Shannon, and I havnt purged at my sisters. I did purge on the night I stayed home. I have been home for about 2 hours now but I havnt purge but i havnt eaten either. I dont think I will tonight its almost 11 pm anyway.

I have 4 appointments tomorrow... therapy at 10, kristina at 11, darcy at 11:40, psychiatrist at 12:15. I also have to get bloodwork done, I may go after my psychiatrist appointment depending on how long I am there.

Alright I guess this is it for tonight, I have to try to sleep, I have such a hard time waking myself for therapy when I dont fall alseep at a reasonable time.
I love you ladies,
HUGZ
~Kristi
=^..^=

ugg, therapy and ick weight

Hey my ladies,
I had therapy today, I dont really know what I talked about... I felt like my therapist was almost putting me down because things are not working out like I planned.

Yes I think I agree with her saying I may 'catastrophize' things, meaning when something doesnt go right I try to replan everything, when everything may not need to be replanned.

I am dreading my doctors appointment tomorrow... ugggg of course when I havnt gone in over a month I gain 10 pounds. I am so disgusted with myself.

I dont really have much else to say. I am just frustrated with myself.
I love you girls,
HUGZ
~Kristi
=^..^=

decisions

Hey my loves,
Sorry I havnt posted in a few days Laila, I was out of town.

I went and looked at the apartment. It was nothing like he was saying. I cant live there, its not safe.

Ive been making phone calls today trying to figure things out so i have a place to stay next month.

I am just so nervous and freaking out inside. I wish things were done.

Whenever something doesnt go as planned I freak out... I am questioning so much right now... the only thing that I have not questioned is do I want to live with Shannon. That much I know for sure.

Everything else... I feel is up in the air. I feel like I cant make a decision... but what about? I am not sure...

I am a fricken fat cow again, I gained yet again. 142 UGGGG I took a few laxies but not a lot of results...

I ate and purged once... I wish I could just NOT eat till I am back into the low 130's

I have a doctors appointment wednesday, they will weigh me, even if I object they will, They are going to see how fat I really am. Its bad that I know my weight, and I am disgusted by it but knowing my doctor and my therapist know it, uggg its horrible.

I HATE my body!

Love you ladies,
HUGZ
~Kristi
=^..^=

Can't sleep

I feel like I am going crazy, Why can't I sleep? I have not had any caffiene. I am tired too. Yesterday (well sunday night to monday morning I didnt fall asleep till almost 7 am) It is 4:30 now.

The sweating, headaches, and this not being able to sleep is literally driving me CRAZY. UGGGG!!
I tried tylenol PM but no help.

If I dont sleep at all tonight or the rest of the morning maybe I will be able to sleep later (tuesday night). I am cleaning for my friend tonight too...
Thats it for now...
HUGZ
~Kristi
=^..^=

Blah

Hmm well, I realize I have been neglecting my blog again. I dont think it was entirely on purpose.
I have not been sick, but I have not been feeling the best.

So, so tired. I hate this darkness... I am so tired but have trouble sleeping... Last night I was dead tired but didnt fall alseep till almost 7am. This is driving me NUTS!

On top of that I think the mess up in my sleep has been giving me headaches. Ohh my gosh do they hurt... I have been inhaling Tylenol to make it through (not inhaling literally). Even more disgusting... I have been sweating like crazy, my body is in overdrive. I dont know what is causing it but it is seriously GROSS. Night sweats- im drenched, day time- the area under my arms disgusting... deoderant is no help, I am using so much... What the heck is going on? Im not hot either! Most of the time I am cold, freezing. Im trying not to cover up a lot even though I want to. But that might make the sweating worse. UGGG. I need to actually wash my blankets, I dont usually wash them much but I think they smell? I change my bed sheets often but havnt done the blankets. Uggg. I hate having to change my pajamas in the middle of the night, and eing able to put my hand in my hair and have it come out wet with sweat. ICK. My body seriously HATES me!

I feel like a disgrace and part of my avoidance of posting is I have gained a little... I know it doesnt matter to you guys, and if it meant I was healthier you would probably think it were good. (I would if my brain let me).

I am so scared about my weight, I know its up so as a kind of mind trick I weigh myself with my pajamas on... even though I know it doesnt fool me I say to myself that ohh i weigh more because of the pajamas... but logically I know pajamas wont make me 136-138 (and once 141, I almost fell over with that one).

I think my eating is different but then again I dont really know for sure... I think I am trying to not purge everything, I feel like I am not purging as much (maybe 1 time a day, maybe?) I dont know I feel very disconnected.

I was really stressing out about Tiger on thursday, my therapist said I was projecting because I dont feel stressed out about moving. I dontknow. I know I am  moving and I just want Tiger to be as comfortable as possible. I know it is going to be stressful for him.

Checking out the new carrier (Voluntarily!!!) Such a pretty boy ehh?

I dont know where they came from but I found 2 fleas on Tiger. he doesnt go outside. I have been combing him to check for more. I hope he doesnt get them again, I dont have the money right now for treatment. and then when I move I will have to make an appointment at a new vet and that will cost more because it will be his first time there. Uggg. Why fleas NOW?

Alright I guess that is it for now... HUGZ my loves
~Kristi
=^..^=

Tiger

Hello my lovely Ladies!!

Umm not doing much... I called and got the medicine for Tiger (something to help him when we move). Valium! Wow! I am nervous about giving him something though... Iknow I have to but I am scared it might hurt him. But its not like I am just giving it to him... I am getting it from the vet.

I dont really know what else... I got the ingredients to make the pumpkin bread. I was going to make it tonight but i dont want to now.

Ummm well thats it for now
HUGZ
~Kristi
=^..^=

cycle needs to stop

Hey my loves,
umm not a lot to say about eating... I ate and purged twice today... but I ate and didnt purge once. and I have yet to take my meds and I dont have any popcorn to take them with so I have to figure something small to eat... great!

I am really tired, I cleaned a bunch today, I was able to vacuum without scaring Tiger to death... I shut him in the bathroom... I swept and moped, cleaned the table, put clothes and blankets in vacuum bags... I am shaky from purging.

I wanna eat to stop the shakiness, but if I eat I will have to purge again... uggg... ohh this cycle NEEDS to STOP!!!

I had a dream last night that this lady I used to work with (a psychiatric nurse practitioner PNP) but she wasnt a PNP in my dream but she came to my house and was talking to me and told me I needed treatment again. She wanted to send me somewhere... I remember telling her that I could only go to either New York Presbyterian or Centre Syracuse... she didnt like either of them. It was very confusing... When she was leaving my apartment she saw all my food wrappers and containers on the counter in the kitchen. (I dont have a huge counter and sometimes I just leave all my containers and stuff overnight). She looked at the containers and wrappers and looked at me and said, "I dont understand, how can you look the way you do and eat all that?"

OH my god! I am a PIG!!!!


I called about another apartment today... I am going to talk to my case worker and give my 30 day notice tomorrow for my apartment.

Alright this is it for tonight... Laila I am so glad to see you back, Love you
Love you too Shannon
HUGZ
~Kristi
=^..^=