well um im frustrated...
got up today already upset... ate and got sick... before i did anything else.

I dont know whats wrong but I must have done something wrong with Mark... He came over on tuesday and he stayed for about an hour... I wish he wanted to see me more and not just for a little something... but when i am with him i cant think straight and i want to be with him so telling me not to be with him is like telling someone in a desert to not drink... ha ohh i dont know if that was the right metaphor either... ugg

so I have only heard from Mark once (text) and he never answered... I text him last night to see if he was okay but he never answered... I dont even bother trying to call him he never answers unless he asks to call me.

I dont know I just want to cry... I wish it were easier... heck i must be a baby I always wish for things to be easier... its ridiculous

and im so fat... its gross... you see what i have been eating and my weight is still up, not losing a damn thing... gaining or barely staying the same... I just want to cut all this fat off me... I wish I were a surgeon... then I could do it... ahhh what the heck this is pointless im not a surgeon, im not gonna cut myself up to destroy the fat... its there... its gonna stay there until my body knows what it wants to do... obviously I am just waiting around for this f-in body to realize that fat is bad. I could eat 500 calories a day and my body would still be horrendous and gain... its useless.... when it gets like this and I have NO control I just want to die or go away from my brain... like get so f-ed up that I wont remember shit... I know I dont really want to die but I want to get away from my thoughts and this fat.
I just start thinking about the suicide attempt last year and I know I dont want to die... I dont want to feel like that... not really truly knowing what is after death... is it just nothing... your brain ceases to function and it all just stops... the stopping would be great but there is no coming back... that not so much great...

uggg okay sorry... i should go sleep or something...
<3