Hey... well I made my BMI goal... 143.0= BMI of 19.9 YAY!!!

SO therapy was FUN today... NOT...

Basically my therapist said if I get my weight into the 130s she and my doctor will put me into the hospital. WHAT the FRICK! 130s is NOT bad... ugggg

I need to be like 110, I think that would be okay... I really didnt have a end goal... but 110 can be it... I can be okay there.

I talked about how I felt like a disappointment with my therapist today... she said she is not disappointed, she is just frustrated.

She says if I decide to keep losing weight I am suicidal... I think that is crap, I am nowhere near dying and I had lab work done and my bloodwork is all fine... I AM OKAY!!!

She says because I dont look at her when we talk about the eating disorder and my weight and thoughts about it I am ashamed... I think I am, but not in the sense that I want to stop but in the sense that I feel bad that I am not doing what others want me to do... I used to be a people pleaser to the max, always doing what others wanted, trying to make others feel better at the expense of my feelings or physical safety or anything. Well I am doing what I WANT now... But I shouldnt... because this is a BAD thing...

She says I am addicted to it... probably I am, but right now I dont care... I AM FAT and I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT... I told her I hear what she is saying but it is all like a whisper... I know it is true for the most part but the words in my head are yelling I AM FAT and I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT

she keeps telling me... that is old stuff. you are not... remind yourself... but I AM

Uggg I have a migraine today....stupid head

I have to go see my psychiatrist tomorrow... I got the appointment moved up... I have to tell her I stopped the 1 med that caused the weight gain. I have to tell her I stopped it in november... I have to tell her about my weight and thoughts... URRGGG my therapist is going to talk to her too sometime later...
I will NOT take any new medications if they might cause weight gain. I will not fall for her saying it wont again.

Today was measurement day:
Hips: 36 (36.5)
LR Hip: 32 (32.5)
Waist: 25 (25.5)
Breast: 31
Neck: 11.75 (12)
R Thigh: 19 (19.25)
L Thigh: 18.5 (18.75)
RU Arm: 9 (9.25)
LU Arm: 9.25 (9.5)
R Wrist: 5.5
L Wrist: 5.5
R Calf: 12.5 (12.75)
L Calf: 12.5 (12.75)

Inches Lost 3.25, Weight lost since last monday 2.2 pounds.

I posted this one even tho its not great... because look at my wrists! They look small!