hmmm today has been a day of bp
weight today 132.8 (i think it would have been lower but i got up early and bp'd)
I got up at 9 am and walked to mcdonalds... ate over 2300 calories 3 bacon, egg and cheese biscuits, 3 hashbrowns, and 3 orange juices.
Stopped at the store on the way home, got lunchmeat and cheese, i forgot that yesterday
Got home purged... pre-purge 138.0, post purge 132.8
laid down and went back to sleep
got up, weighed again 132.8
went outside and sat in the sun for awhile, read.
put a vegetable lasagna in the oven... it had to cook for 2 hours
after about an hour i just had to eat... so i ate 4 bagels and cream cheese... purged... i had to make room for the lasagna.
The lasagna was done... YUM I ate all 12 servings...
pre-purge 143.8 post purge 133.2
so I added up most of the calories I had today, it was over 8000 Yikes!
my arm muscles and my neck muscle are really sore from carrying the heavy bags yesterday...
im like nauseous hungry blah I cant afford to eat again tonight... Im tired anyway
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Friday, April 29, 2011
hey, weight today 133.0
im really tired today... I got up around 11:30... did a few things around my place... then went to the bank to get money... got 2 subs from subway (to take home for later), and then 2 orders of sweet and sour chicken.
Went to the store... bought somethings I know I will bp on...
Got this frozen strawberry lemonade from mcdonalds... it was not as good as it looked
went home, carrying 3 big bags of stuff from the store, and the bag of take out foods (subs and chinese)
I felt like I was dying, my legs are so messed up
I ate the chinese, lots of water... purged... pre-purge 139.8, post purge 133.8
i laid down for awhile...
just ate the subs and 2 bagels with cream cheese... water... purged... pre-purge 139.0, post purge 133.6
i want to eat more but i need to wait till tomorrow... I might get a dill pickle
i guess that is it... im still very tired so I am likely to go to bed early (its already 9 pm so not long now)
im really tired today... I got up around 11:30... did a few things around my place... then went to the bank to get money... got 2 subs from subway (to take home for later), and then 2 orders of sweet and sour chicken.
Went to the store... bought somethings I know I will bp on...
Got this frozen strawberry lemonade from mcdonalds... it was not as good as it looked
went home, carrying 3 big bags of stuff from the store, and the bag of take out foods (subs and chinese)
I felt like I was dying, my legs are so messed up
I ate the chinese, lots of water... purged... pre-purge 139.8, post purge 133.8
i laid down for awhile...
just ate the subs and 2 bagels with cream cheese... water... purged... pre-purge 139.0, post purge 133.6
i want to eat more but i need to wait till tomorrow... I might get a dill pickle
i guess that is it... im still very tired so I am likely to go to bed early (its already 9 pm so not long now)
Thursday, April 28, 2011
hey...
weight 134.0 back down
well i dont know about this not binging... i binged again today... and kind of want to again... I am going to try to delay it perhaps not do it...
I didnt binge till painfully full but I still ate a lot
2 turkey burgers on bread and ketchup
3 ham and cheese sandwiches
1 cheese sandwich
a bowl of salad with dressing
3/4 bag of baby carrots with dressing/dip
water
pre-purge 144.0, post purge 136.6 (thats up a lot because I ate watermelon earlier today I think)
Im tired, which is stupid because ive only been up for like 7 hours.
Finished the sleeve of the shirt I am crocheting... I got to make another sleeve now... then just the trim and putting it together. I need another ball of crochet thread though
i dont know i guess i dont have much to say today
my case worker was here today... we talked a bit... mentioned how my dr thinks maybe the leg pains might be lack of nutrients or something, i also said I eat pretty healthy so if nutrients are missing then what do i need to eat fast food all the time?
She asked if I have been purging at all, or more. I said I have been better and i have been worse, it is true, i dont think she really knows i have binged though... thats good because she would be disgusted. I am disgusting.
She asked how my weight was, where abouts it was. I said 140s (thats what my dr and therapist think)
She said okay, then something about getting to 100 or 99 and I really dont know what she said about it because I heard the numbers and I was like does she think I can get that low?
but she didnt focus or continue talking about it.
alright i guess thats it
weight 134.0 back down
well i dont know about this not binging... i binged again today... and kind of want to again... I am going to try to delay it perhaps not do it...
I didnt binge till painfully full but I still ate a lot
2 turkey burgers on bread and ketchup
3 ham and cheese sandwiches
1 cheese sandwich
a bowl of salad with dressing
3/4 bag of baby carrots with dressing/dip
water
pre-purge 144.0, post purge 136.6 (thats up a lot because I ate watermelon earlier today I think)
Im tired, which is stupid because ive only been up for like 7 hours.
Finished the sleeve of the shirt I am crocheting... I got to make another sleeve now... then just the trim and putting it together. I need another ball of crochet thread though
i dont know i guess i dont have much to say today
my case worker was here today... we talked a bit... mentioned how my dr thinks maybe the leg pains might be lack of nutrients or something, i also said I eat pretty healthy so if nutrients are missing then what do i need to eat fast food all the time?
She asked if I have been purging at all, or more. I said I have been better and i have been worse, it is true, i dont think she really knows i have binged though... thats good because she would be disgusted. I am disgusting.
She asked how my weight was, where abouts it was. I said 140s (thats what my dr and therapist think)
She said okay, then something about getting to 100 or 99 and I really dont know what she said about it because I heard the numbers and I was like does she think I can get that low?
but she didnt focus or continue talking about it.
alright i guess thats it
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
hey... weight 134.4 (WTF? up .4)
today was alright not real good with not binging though... ehh tomorrow i will try to be better.
I went to the store... I was being really good there, bought salad, rice cakes, ham, cheese, bread, watermelon and then a 4 pack of muffins (not good).
I had $3 left over and I walk right by a little hot dog/hamburger stand to the store and back. So I bought a cheeseburger. Ate that walking home. Got home ate the muffins and 2 sandwiches. Purged.
Ate 1 rice cake.
It was really nice here for part of the day. It got up to almost 80. I sat outside and crocheted for about 45 minutes. Then the firewhistle was going off and it was really windy and I just kept thinking I wonder how they would warn people here about tornados when they are not that common. So I went inside and got on the computer. ONLY to see A TORNADO WATCH for all of western ny. SO SCARY... I live upstairs... it is not good to be upstairs if there is a tornado. I was thinking okay what would I do? I would grab tiger and put him in his carrier, and go downstairs in the hallway.
ehh so its almost 9 pm now and the tornado watch is over at 10 pm... thankfully nothing happened... some bad rain and thunder but its okay
i just bp'd... I didnt really think about it too much... I just was like I want mashed potatoes, but its silly to make one serving... and im hungry... so I made 6 (usually i make 12), and gravy, and 2 turkey burgers on bread, 5 slices of bread and butter, 32 oz water, 1/8 of a watermelon, a ham and cheese sandwich.
Pre purge- 144.4, post purge 135.4
I just ate 2 dill pickle spears. getting ready to go to bed shortly...
today was alright not real good with not binging though... ehh tomorrow i will try to be better.
I went to the store... I was being really good there, bought salad, rice cakes, ham, cheese, bread, watermelon and then a 4 pack of muffins (not good).
I had $3 left over and I walk right by a little hot dog/hamburger stand to the store and back. So I bought a cheeseburger. Ate that walking home. Got home ate the muffins and 2 sandwiches. Purged.
Ate 1 rice cake.
It was really nice here for part of the day. It got up to almost 80. I sat outside and crocheted for about 45 minutes. Then the firewhistle was going off and it was really windy and I just kept thinking I wonder how they would warn people here about tornados when they are not that common. So I went inside and got on the computer. ONLY to see A TORNADO WATCH for all of western ny. SO SCARY... I live upstairs... it is not good to be upstairs if there is a tornado. I was thinking okay what would I do? I would grab tiger and put him in his carrier, and go downstairs in the hallway.
ehh so its almost 9 pm now and the tornado watch is over at 10 pm... thankfully nothing happened... some bad rain and thunder but its okay
i just bp'd... I didnt really think about it too much... I just was like I want mashed potatoes, but its silly to make one serving... and im hungry... so I made 6 (usually i make 12), and gravy, and 2 turkey burgers on bread, 5 slices of bread and butter, 32 oz water, 1/8 of a watermelon, a ham and cheese sandwich.
Pre purge- 144.4, post purge 135.4
I just ate 2 dill pickle spears. getting ready to go to bed shortly...
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
hey... weight 134.0 (i think, i weighed myself, turned on the computer, took my meds, ate a fruit cup, then got ready to write my weight on my log (on the computer) and I couldnt remember the exact weight I know it was down but I even wrote 144 though... I noticed it later)
So I didnt want to weigh myself again after I drank and ate a fruit cup.
I was trying not to binge... I think this is going to be a long process... I purposely kept in the fruit cup (70 cals) at 9:20 am and then 10 baby carrots at 2:30 pm
I tried cooking a piece of fish (tilapia) at 5:45 pm but as i was getting it out of the freezer I saw 1/2 bag of french fries, I grabbed them. grabbed 4 pieces of fish.
Turned on the oven, got the pan for the fish, put the fries in the oven, cooked the fish... looked in the cupboard for more food. Grabbed a box of tuna helper. got stuff to make that... started cooking that...finished the fish... ate it... finished the fries, finished the tuna helper, ate the fries, 20 oz water, then ate the tuna helper...
I could have eaten more but I stopped...
I actually stopped.
went and purged... pre purge 143.8, post purge 135.0
so of course im mad at myself for binging... I tried to do just a piece of fish... it was low cal, i should have been okay... but i just went crazy. is this what it is going to be like?
I know I am not going to stop myself from binging all the time but I would like to have some control over it.
Like I KNOW I am going to binge on friday and I have given myself the okay
I am going to the store tomorrow... gonna try to get some ham and cheese and bread. I want to try to have a toasted ham and cheese sandwich or 2 (because some people can eat 2 sandwiches and not have it be a binge- normal people) but I will purge it... so does that really make it a binge then?
I dont know im all confused on this reducing binging thing
plus side- i didnt get my period this month.... (I am on the pill too) but I got it last month but not the month before that... I wonder if I will get it next month... i can hope not lol
i am trying not to binge again tonight. I think I am hungry though... i dont know... I might allow 1 teaspoon sunflower seeds (15). Or 5 almonds (35 cals) I dont know
So I didnt want to weigh myself again after I drank and ate a fruit cup.
I was trying not to binge... I think this is going to be a long process... I purposely kept in the fruit cup (70 cals) at 9:20 am and then 10 baby carrots at 2:30 pm
I tried cooking a piece of fish (tilapia) at 5:45 pm but as i was getting it out of the freezer I saw 1/2 bag of french fries, I grabbed them. grabbed 4 pieces of fish.
Turned on the oven, got the pan for the fish, put the fries in the oven, cooked the fish... looked in the cupboard for more food. Grabbed a box of tuna helper. got stuff to make that... started cooking that...finished the fish... ate it... finished the fries, finished the tuna helper, ate the fries, 20 oz water, then ate the tuna helper...
I could have eaten more but I stopped...
I actually stopped.
went and purged... pre purge 143.8, post purge 135.0
so of course im mad at myself for binging... I tried to do just a piece of fish... it was low cal, i should have been okay... but i just went crazy. is this what it is going to be like?
I know I am not going to stop myself from binging all the time but I would like to have some control over it.
Like I KNOW I am going to binge on friday and I have given myself the okay
I am going to the store tomorrow... gonna try to get some ham and cheese and bread. I want to try to have a toasted ham and cheese sandwich or 2 (because some people can eat 2 sandwiches and not have it be a binge- normal people) but I will purge it... so does that really make it a binge then?
I dont know im all confused on this reducing binging thing
plus side- i didnt get my period this month.... (I am on the pill too) but I got it last month but not the month before that... I wonder if I will get it next month... i can hope not lol
i am trying not to binge again tonight. I think I am hungry though... i dont know... I might allow 1 teaspoon sunflower seeds (15). Or 5 almonds (35 cals) I dont know
Monday, April 25, 2011
Alright... hey... yesterdays weight 135.0
Todays weight 134.4 Not bad because there was the chance of gaining with eating yesterday
Well yesterday was alright... long... I got there at about 2 pm... we ate at about 3... I ate normalish (for normal people), ham, potatoes, scalloped corn (weird lol), sweet potatoes, 2 deviled eggs. I got seconds of ham and potatoes. Drank diet pepsi. After eating I loitered around the kitchen area... ate 4 cookies (white chocolate macadamia), then someone cut a pie so I got dessert, a piece of banana cream pie and boston cream pie. ate another cookie, a bunch of water and purged. Was not bad, the amount of time I was actually eating was about 70 minutes. So not unlike binges at home, (except I wasnt really full).
After all that I went downstairs (my sisters house is huge, their own design, you know what a wealthy husband really helps with lol) They have an actual movie theater room in their house. You know like a tv screen the size of a wall, 8 super plush recliners or maybe it was 10, yeah i think 10. They have 4 bedrooms, at least 4 bathrooms, the downstairs has a handmade bar, like 2 flat screens and mirrors and enough liqour for a massive party. They have 4 of those old arcade games, like the big box joystick ones, and a japanese slot machine, pool table, workout room... you know pretty much everything.
I ate a couple cookies and a couple pieces of ham right before we left... I got really nauseous and I thought I was going to get sick in the car on the way home. But I didnt. I got home purged... I was going to eat my leftovers and purge but my stomach was not feeling good... I laid down for awhile... around 10:30 pm I ate my leftovers... purged... went to bed.
Today I got woke up by my lovely kitty at 6:30 and I couldnt fall back asleep. So I got up and got ready for my therapy appointment... I had $15 so I went to subway for a double bacon, egg, and cheese flatbread... it was buy a 6in get a 6in free. Pretty good (like I want to go there every monday before therapy kind of good, but that would mean purging before therapy 10 am) dont really like to purge that early in the day... but you know that was so good it might be worth it.
Therapy was alright... actually possibly productive... I told her I want to stop binging. Which I do, it really is scaring me how much I am able to eat and purge. I dont want to cut down on purging or not eating... I just dont want to binge like I have been. I was okay talking about it for a little bit but when we were actually talking about trying to eat more so I wont feel the need to binge, and then talking about if it starts to make me hungry (but not like the hunger I have now, but one i feel I cant control) and I dont ever really feel full, I can get the full sense physically like painful full but I still want to eat then, so not really an emotional full? I got really anxious and by the end of the conversation I was willing to say screw it, im not going to gain and be hungry and eat all the time... I have to just do what I do now... keep maybe a dill pickle a day and have a bp
I dont know... I do want to cut down on the binging. I dont want to gain, or be eating all the time... I dont like purging multiple times a day (like everytime I would eat) but I dont know... maybe that would be better right now.
ahh today is also measurement monday
Hips: 34.5 (35)
LR Hip: 32
Waist: 24 (24.5)
Breast: 30 (30.5)
Neck: 11.5
R Thigh: 18.25 (18.5)
L Thigh: 17.5 (17.75)
RU Arm: 9
LU Arm: 9
R Wrist: 5.25 (5.5)
L Wrist: 5.25 (5.5)
R Calf: 12.5
L Calf: 12.25
That is down 2.5 inches, since last monday I lost 2.6 pounds
Todays weight 134.4 Not bad because there was the chance of gaining with eating yesterday
Well yesterday was alright... long... I got there at about 2 pm... we ate at about 3... I ate normalish (for normal people), ham, potatoes, scalloped corn (weird lol), sweet potatoes, 2 deviled eggs. I got seconds of ham and potatoes. Drank diet pepsi. After eating I loitered around the kitchen area... ate 4 cookies (white chocolate macadamia), then someone cut a pie so I got dessert, a piece of banana cream pie and boston cream pie. ate another cookie, a bunch of water and purged. Was not bad, the amount of time I was actually eating was about 70 minutes. So not unlike binges at home, (except I wasnt really full).
After all that I went downstairs (my sisters house is huge, their own design, you know what a wealthy husband really helps with lol) They have an actual movie theater room in their house. You know like a tv screen the size of a wall, 8 super plush recliners or maybe it was 10, yeah i think 10. They have 4 bedrooms, at least 4 bathrooms, the downstairs has a handmade bar, like 2 flat screens and mirrors and enough liqour for a massive party. They have 4 of those old arcade games, like the big box joystick ones, and a japanese slot machine, pool table, workout room... you know pretty much everything.
I ate a couple cookies and a couple pieces of ham right before we left... I got really nauseous and I thought I was going to get sick in the car on the way home. But I didnt. I got home purged... I was going to eat my leftovers and purge but my stomach was not feeling good... I laid down for awhile... around 10:30 pm I ate my leftovers... purged... went to bed.
Today I got woke up by my lovely kitty at 6:30 and I couldnt fall back asleep. So I got up and got ready for my therapy appointment... I had $15 so I went to subway for a double bacon, egg, and cheese flatbread... it was buy a 6in get a 6in free. Pretty good (like I want to go there every monday before therapy kind of good, but that would mean purging before therapy 10 am) dont really like to purge that early in the day... but you know that was so good it might be worth it.
Therapy was alright... actually possibly productive... I told her I want to stop binging. Which I do, it really is scaring me how much I am able to eat and purge. I dont want to cut down on purging or not eating... I just dont want to binge like I have been. I was okay talking about it for a little bit but when we were actually talking about trying to eat more so I wont feel the need to binge, and then talking about if it starts to make me hungry (but not like the hunger I have now, but one i feel I cant control) and I dont ever really feel full, I can get the full sense physically like painful full but I still want to eat then, so not really an emotional full? I got really anxious and by the end of the conversation I was willing to say screw it, im not going to gain and be hungry and eat all the time... I have to just do what I do now... keep maybe a dill pickle a day and have a bp
I dont know... I do want to cut down on the binging. I dont want to gain, or be eating all the time... I dont like purging multiple times a day (like everytime I would eat) but I dont know... maybe that would be better right now.
ahh today is also measurement monday
Hips: 34.5 (35)
LR Hip: 32
Waist: 24 (24.5)
Breast: 30 (30.5)
Neck: 11.5
R Thigh: 18.25 (18.5)
L Thigh: 17.5 (17.75)
RU Arm: 9
LU Arm: 9
R Wrist: 5.25 (5.5)
L Wrist: 5.25 (5.5)
R Calf: 12.5
L Calf: 12.25
That is down 2.5 inches, since last monday I lost 2.6 pounds
Saturday, April 23, 2011
weight 135.4
I know I weigh in the 130s but whenever I weigh myself I think in my head 155? And I really think I am that heavy but I DO know how to read numbers and I KNOW it says 135... but I still think I am like 20 pounds heavier. Heck sometimes I think I see 185... 135 is not real to me... but if it were anything higher I think I would freak.
It was nice today... 65-70 degrees but very windy... I sat outside for a little while... a couple people in the complex kept coming to talk to me... UGGG Iritating. I DONT LIKE TALKING TO PEOPLE
going with my parents over to my other sister Mandys house tomorrow... a dinner.... fun... Gonna have to purge there because we will be there quite awhile... uggg I KNOW if I dont eat a fuss will be made, and I dont think I could stop myself from eating anyway... I JUST CANT BINGE... I dont think I will... its not like me to binge in front of people.
im gonna go get ready for bed... its calling my name
ohh and 2 bps today... end weight 136.0... so It might be down tomorrow... but then tomorrow might make me gain.
I know my goal this month was to lose 7 pounds, I thought I would drop it from 10 pounds because my weightloss is going to be harder the lower it gets. Well If I get to 134.? by the 26th I will have lost 10 pounds this month anyway :)
alright night
<3
I know I weigh in the 130s but whenever I weigh myself I think in my head 155? And I really think I am that heavy but I DO know how to read numbers and I KNOW it says 135... but I still think I am like 20 pounds heavier. Heck sometimes I think I see 185... 135 is not real to me... but if it were anything higher I think I would freak.
It was nice today... 65-70 degrees but very windy... I sat outside for a little while... a couple people in the complex kept coming to talk to me... UGGG Iritating. I DONT LIKE TALKING TO PEOPLE
going with my parents over to my other sister Mandys house tomorrow... a dinner.... fun... Gonna have to purge there because we will be there quite awhile... uggg I KNOW if I dont eat a fuss will be made, and I dont think I could stop myself from eating anyway... I JUST CANT BINGE... I dont think I will... its not like me to binge in front of people.
im gonna go get ready for bed... its calling my name
ohh and 2 bps today... end weight 136.0... so It might be down tomorrow... but then tomorrow might make me gain.
I know my goal this month was to lose 7 pounds, I thought I would drop it from 10 pounds because my weightloss is going to be harder the lower it gets. Well If I get to 134.? by the 26th I will have lost 10 pounds this month anyway :)
alright night
<3
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