hey im back... just a quick note
i ate dinner with my friend, lasagna, salad, and a roll

got home... ate potato salad, pizza and a couple hard boiled eggs
Pre-purge 145.2, post purge 134.4

we will see how tomorrow goes... not going to say im not going to binge but im not going to say i will

i didnt hear back from my drs office... maybe tomorrow...
alright night guys

hey...
weight 133.2

my stomach has been acting up... like really bad heartburn... doesnt make sense... im on so much prilosec. I feel like I am getting gastritis again. I called the dr and asked if they would prescribe me the karafate without seeing me. I have to wait for a call back. I hope I dont have to go back in. This has been a problem in the past so I hope she will understand.

well my plan to not binge today kinda went out the window... I ate some fruit because my stomach was hurting... but I put a little chocolate syrup on some strawberries... then ate the last of the ice cream in the freezer. I was planning on purging. So I then mashed up a little of the potatoes I just cooked for potato salad. Probably like 3 servings of potatoes I ate, and then 2 egg whites (from boiled eggs). So it was like a binge but it wasnt a lot like my binges.

I am going over to my friends house to work soon... I will try to post when I get back

just bp'd
getting ready to go lay down, i only got 2-3 hours of sleep last night (well like 6-9 this morning)

2 sandwiches- bread, ham, cheese- toasted
3 packs of popcan biscuits
butter
10 pieces of shrimp
pre-purge 145.8 post purge 136.0 Uhh ohh I am not liking these numbers so high

I purged until I just got acid

my stomach acid has been nastier lately, its odd too because I take a maximum dose of prilosec a day to keep my acid levels low.

Last night (2 am) when I ate and purged the acid combination with my meds from 5 hours before was enough to make me vomit uncontrolled. Not something I particularly like. Dill pickle, meds, and acid = AWFUL combination. ohh and the broccoli from earlier was an added nastiness

I did not binge yesterday. During the day, I kinda did at the 2 am but technically that was today. So I CAN SAY I DIDNT BINGE ON MAY 3rd. Even eating out at the chinese buffet, 3 plates may seem like a binge but not too many people I know wont eat that much at a buffet or more. I was not even full when we left. So I do not classify that as a binge.

alright im gonna try to sneak a nap in... later <3

hey... weight 134.0 down from 135.2 yesterday... still gross though

went grocery shopping... i am so SCREWED financially I spent all my foodstamps and I have about $20 left in the bank. I havnt even sent several things I need to mail... one food swap thing to the uk and my mothers gift for mothers day.

I would REALLY like to go see my mom but how can I do that without money. ugggg a round trip ticket costs over $150.

I want to binge to get rid of the old foods that i cant keep in, but im not really hungry and i dont want to binge at the same time. I bought a bunch of good stuff grocery shopping... tried to plan things that i might be able to keep in. Things I might not be as prone to binge on.

my case worker started asking a lot of questions... she said I look very thin, she hoped I was not getting to where I was several years ago, I know what I need to be doing, Ive been in treatment several times, and even outpatient (for ed) is not going to help. I know what I am supposed to be doing.
I dont need ed treatment but just her saying that was pissing me off, people with eds can be in treatment for years and in and out of different treatment centers.  But because I have been IP in one place and in 4 partials (3 different ones). I should just be able to be 'normal'?

Whatever

the sun is shining today but its not even 50 degrees... uggg i want it WARM and SUNNY

okay maybe i am hungry... to binge or not? I think i want to ... and tomorrow I can plan a good day. I am going to work for my friend and i usually have dinner there. (I wish i was getting paid but she paid me last week for working this week)

BLAH I hate money problems!

hey...
weight is f*ed up... I purged for an hour last night and still could not get 3 bagels up (got everything else though), Stupid body
I took 4 lax, I am so glad that is 'a lot' for me... but man so much more painful than 1

I had therapy today... very frustrated with this 'I eat 1000-1200 calories a day to stay my weight, my itty bitty weight' MY THERAPIST SAID THAT

she thinks 114 is itty bitty, I am MASSIVE UGGGGG

I ate 2 pineapple rings at 2:30, went out with a friend for chinese (did not binge). Lax were still working (still are lol) so going to the store with her after I had to go to the bathroom. I wanted to purge but I told myself I wouldnt with her, i could when i got home. She knows about my ed and she sees the same therapist as me. I had to go to the bathroom again at the next store... She looked at me weird when i came out. I told her some foods with grease bother me since i had my gallbladder out. She said that sucks... so I hope she believed me. I really didnt purge.

i got home a little while ago... drank some water, purged... weight is still crap even though the lax are working.

I just made some broccoli... im keeping it in.

got some more crochet thread, one purple to finish the shirt i am making and then 4 pink for a different top.
we went to target because my friend wanted to get a couple tops. I tried on a pair of jeans and jean knee length shorts... I dont know what I was thinking... I tried 5s... but like my hip bones are too big... I KNOW I am fat but my hip bones are there, you can feel them, not much around them but that just means im big. I wore today a pair of junior 7s and they were a little loose. I dont know... i was going to try some on tomorrow at walmart but i dont know im so fat

uggg alright i guess that is it for tonight... my legs are hurting a lot and im tired

I go grocery shopping tomorrow with my case worker... I need to buy smart... i only have about $100 in food stamps

I am so frustrated and pissed at myself… I took 2 sleeping pills last night because I was not falling asleep… well I think I ate (well I know I ate) but I dont remember it. I have figured out what is missing and its a lot… 3 bagels, cream cheese, 4 eggs, 1/4 brick of cheese and some ham. I dont think I purged because my weight today is up to 134.2, yesterday it was 132.8

WTF I have eaten and not remembered it since I was on ambien, im so disgusting

blah weight 132.8 no change... ugg

tomorrow is the last day for the weightloss competition... I was hoping to get a little lower.

today i had 2 bps... rather large ones too... last bp pre-purge 144.4 and post purge 134.2

im tired... i dont have therapy tomorrow... i have it on tuesday instead...

so much for my thoughts last week on stopping bping... didnt make it 1 day... but at least i had a couple moments of strength. not eating to the fullest, stopping myself early... but i should have done more...
the last couple days i have had no resisting bp blah im fat

i really hate when the inside of your nose smells like vomit. ive changed, i washed, but the smell is still there. I wish I could wash the inside of my nose

i hate feeling fat... blah...