hey... weight today 122.6
I hope I dont gain when down at my moms.

I dont know how tomorrow is going to go, my friend is gonna be at my place to take me to the bus station at about 7:45ish... bus leaves at 8:30, I ride for 45-50 minutes and then have to wait till almost 10 for the next bus. will be on that bus for about 2 hours. Then I have to get off and wait till almost 2 pm for the next bus, then about 2 hours for the final bus. My mom is meeting me about 4 pm.

Im bringing a book, my dsi and games, and my crocheting... Im bringing my laptop but im not getting it out when I am waiting in any terminals.

I need to try to go to sleep early tonight... but its almost 8 pm now and im not really tired yet...

I need to finish packing...

I did measurements but i dont want to type them all up... the difference from last measurement day is down 2.25 inches and from last monday my weight is down 3 pounds

I will add a body comparison picture... one from may 9th when I was 133, and then todays june 6th at 123 lbs. I do see a bit of difference in the thighs, they still look massive but there is more of a gap.

hey... after almost 2 weeks of my weight staying about 125 I was down this morning
123.6 Yay!

I have therapy tomorrow, who knows what she is going to say about my weight... I will only tell her I lost about a pound no matter what tomorrows weight it (unless it is up, then I will say less)

I told my mom I was nervous about eating down there, she said I didnt need to be. I said that I want to eat 'normal' when im down there but I am not sure I can. She told me to be me, i told her I didnt want to worry or upset her. She said 'things are how they are, i cant change them' (she has gotten into the mindset of leaving things to god since all her medical stuff started happening) So I am glad I told her, I still dont know what I am going to do down there. I am planning on bringing some frozen tilapia, egg whites, and a few servings of white rice (im gonna measure it out before and only take like 3-4 servings, so i cant technically cant over eat)? I dont know...

I need to pack...

My mom told me we will be going to see my brothers kids, my brother left I guess, i dont know much. It is my nieces birthday wednesday. I think she will be 6. I have never met her, or her brother (he is younger). I havnt met their mom either. If things are as they are right now I wont have to see my brother. I definitely dont want to deal with him or his crap. I bought my niece a doll and a little purse with bracelets and necklaces.
I will take pictures.

alright i gotta wrap this up i have to be up early tomorrow... I gotta do measurements in the morning too, didnt do them last week because I was feeling really fat.

well i ordered delivery food, really shouldnt have but oh well too late... already ate and purged it
was bad though... not smart
i ate a sandwich before the food got here
kaiser roll, some ready cooked bacon, cheese and miracle whip
then the take out
1 large pizza
1 doz. mild chicken wings
5 mozzarella sticks
a large sub: ham, turkey, provolone, lettuce and tomato

I was so FULL I had to force the last of the sub down, i wanted to eat it but it was so painful to eat it. But I forced it, i got a 2 liter of soda with the take out but I stopped drinking soda a while ago again and it was hard to drink it while eating... so I only managed about 1/2 of it. but DIDNT drink anything else MISTAKE!!!!

crap i know, i know that is stupid! but i couldnt force any more liquid down if i wanted to. While purging I had to drink like 3 swallows to get the sub softer to get it up. so crappy.,..

I scared myself, i got a little blood, i still cant figure out where it came from. it showed up like 1/3 of the way through purging but by the time I was done there was no more blood. It wasn't very much so it might have been a scratch but i dont think so because the chicken wings were spicy and the spice hurts open wounds (i have a cut on my thumb). ehh oh well
it was a good purge though in the end, a less weight than my last bp, 125.4

but can you believe i just want to eat more... i dont want to bp i just want to eat, i want to enjoy it too, but that doesnt happen anymore, no matter how much i eat, i think it will be different if i eat 'this' but its not... i dont enjoy it I just WANT to eat so bad

Im sorry I dont know how to put that in better words... i dont know if I am making myself clear or even understandable... im confused on how to say it, it seems simple, i bp so i do eat so why do I want to eat so bad, i let myself eat. I cant keep it. That is just not allowed.

hey weight is still fluctuating around 125

had 1 bp today... but the day is not over

i feel like a fat ass... i dont know how i am gonna hold it together eating wise when I go see my mom. I was going to bring a few food items and just eat them, not bp... i dont want to do that around her. but i dont know if i can eat and not purge and I know I dont really have the strength to not eat period. I am taking my scale with me so I can keep an eye on my weight. I am taking my laptop too I dont know if I will have internet access though... I will not have anyone if I cant get online.

my leg muscles are hurting crazy, not like before but like I had some massive workout. my butt muscles too. Laying on my side in bed the muscles just hurt, it wakes me up at night if I roll on my side... I am so confused. I am not working out at all, i have not walked anywhere in a couple days... like when your muscles are so sore just touching them, trying to massage them hurts. its not my calves though just my thighs/back of thighs and butt

I feel like a massive lazy piece of crap...

im hungry

i need to stop eating i feel like a blimp

uggg sorry im such a complainer today...

i am so disgusted with myself right now

i feel like the size of a house or elephant or something equally as huge

I just bp'd again... turkey and cheese sausages, 2 popcans of biscuits, butter, a bowl of potatoes... I just spent 50 minutes purging... i usually only take 20-25 minutes... I had to rinse 4 times and I still feel like there is some stuck in me, but I was purging till I was having a hard time standing, i would get all dizzy when I would go to the sink, i had to stop... im huge... my post purge weight was 127.6, disgusting, it was 125.2 after my last purge.

and you know what I JUST WANT TO GO EAT MORE, like RIGHT now! but I dont have the strength to purge so I CANT. If I ate and took lax I would still gain. I cant do that. I need to just go to sleep, i am so tired anyway.

If I can wait an hour maybe I can get some strength and wont pass out if I eat and purge... I can do this an hour is not that long

dentist appointment was alright... I usually wont eat for hours after a dental cleaning because I like the way my teeth feel so clean. But I was so nervous and anxious because I told them about the ed and was freaked out that they would judge me or something. But I know it was important that they know. My old dentist was a jerk and told me it didnt matter and just blew me off when I mentioned my concerns. This dentist was really nice, he said there was no reason to be nervous and that they are not there to judge me and that everything that is said there was confidential. So being all stressed out I started eating shortly after I left my appointment.

I bought some ACT stuff, its a fluoride mouthwash. The dentist recommended it to help the enamel strengthen, purging causes it to weaken (as well as other things).

hmmm im just thinking about food... ugggg i need to distract my brain. I finished the book I was reading, I have to get another one out... I just want to EAT

maybe I will be able to get more up if I bp again... that has happened before... not very often though... hmmm UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

Laila- I hope the ed unit goes well. It must be scary but think of the good that can happen. If you dont have to deal with mia or any form of ed that would be amazing. Ohh the lax dont work like really good but it gets my body to move a little bit and im not curled up in pain or sitting on the toilet for hours. Hope you are doing alright my love <3

hmmm another one of those days...

im tired... I probably should have tried to not purge today because of going to the dentist tomorrow, but ehh what is done is done... 2 bps... I am tired of it but usually only when Im done... I still want to go eat everything... and I HAVE to purge. I guess it would be better if I were losing weight... but I lose a bit then fluctuated between 3 pounds for a couple weeks... ugggg

my post purge weight just now was 127.0 thats a lot, but yesterday it was horrible, 128.8

and tomorrow will be an early-ish weigh-in...

uggg i guess i dont have much to say im going to bed and read

uggg, okay sorry for not posting yesterday... was running around with my friend and then when I was home i was bping... fun...

I finally got back to 124.8 yesterday morning but guess what? today I am FRICKEN 125.8 UGGGGG SO FAT!!!!!

I am going grocery shopping today... made a list and gonna try to buy smart.

I feel like a huge fat turd...

I took 1 lax last night, i feel so much stuff inside me... that is one thing about losing weight on my stomach I can feel crap in me when it gets to my lower intestines... I cant stand it. I may be taking lax a little more often but I am only taking like 1 pill at a time... do NOT want to get to where Im taking a ton of them

got a dentist appointment tomorrow... havnt gone in like 2 years... this will be fun...

getting excited to go see my mom next week...

alright that is it for right now, i may post again later.