Hey its monday... weight 163.0 thats down .6

Measurement day...
Hip: 38.5 (39.5)
L R Hip: 33.5 (34)
Waist: 28 (28.5)
Breast: 32 (32.75)
Neck: 12 (12.25)
R Thigh: 21 
L Thigh: 20.5 
R U Arm: 9.75
L U Arm: 10
R Wrist: 5.5 (5.75)
L Wrist: 5.5 (5.75)
R Calf: 13.25 (13.5)
L Calf: 13.25 (13.5)


That is a difference of 4 inches... Since last monday I have lost 4.6 pounds


alright I am going back to bed because i want to eat and its way to early... I dont want a ton of bps today... 


ohh ill do my heart monitor stats from walking...
Max hr: 178
Avg hr: 94
Calories burned: 1172
Fat burned: 152 g
Hr below 96: 1 hour 12 minutes
Hr between 96-124: 19 minutes
Hr above 124: 1 hour 31 minutes

Hey... weight 163.6 down... thats good...
gotta workout today...

i dont really have much to say right now

still have a headache... i had a birthday party i forgot about... i am a wonderful great aunt... stupid me...
I left at 3:30 got back about 8:30...  ate there purged when i got home...
tired as heck right now...
wore the heart monitor over at my sisters (for the birthday party)
here are the stats... no biking...
Max hr: 168
Avg hr: 64
Below 96: 4 hours 33 minutes
Between 96-124: 50 minutes
Above 124: 40 minutes
Calories burned: 1282
Fat burned: 166 g
alright thats it... <3

uggg... bad headache... eyes hurt...
weight uggg 164.4 up .4
i ate a yogurt and 10 crackers last night and didnt purge...

I really wanna bike today but if this headache doesnt go away im going back to bed

Exercise stats:
walking today
Heart rate monitor stats:
Max HR: 176
Avg HR: 134
HR below 96: 2 hours 2 minutes
HR between 96-124: 1 hour 18 minutes
HR above 124: 1 hour 16 minutes
Calories burned: 1310
Fat burned: 170 g 

hmmm sleep is still a problem... i am having the dreams again that continue every night... not the same ones as before though... it is seriously annoying.... they are about my eating disorder and health problems and treatment and sneaking around and being crazy (literally cannot distinguish dreams from reality) ohh you know the same old stuff uggg

weight 164.0 hmm okay thats good but a big drop... and im due to get my period... yuk
but hey that was my goal for the month! get to 164! yay!

ohh gosh... this morning (well when I got up) was ick ... i was getting right ready to go to the store, I had to pick up a couple medications... i also wanted to return soda bottles for a little money so I can buy bread and spaghetti sauce. well I put on my heart monitor... and I was standing at the time and it was reading 140s... i was like wow already... so I sat down to see how low it would drop... it dropped to the 90s... i was like okay... thats better... but I stood back up and just stood still, not moving anything and my heart rate went up to 130-then 140 and then 150 I was like ohh what the ? so I sat down ... brought my heart rate down to 110 and then laid down to see if it would lower normally...
I got it to lower down to 63... but sitting up shot it back up to the 90s, it recovered a little to high 80 for a second but went back up as I put on my pants... I stood up and when walking around my apartment its been in the 140s... I drank a little powerade zero... perhaps dehydrated?
I went to the store and my heart rate got above 175... right now just sitting here typing its 90... usually its lower...

hmmm something to obsess about...

Umm my mom is doing alright right now... she is home and I am going to call her again later tonight...

Mark set up a date to come over tonight (on tuesday) and well he cant now... I CAN SAY I AM NOT SURPRISED
I am not really looking for a relationship anymore...

Hey... weight 165.4 I think im out of my plateau...

uggg having lots of nightmares/dreams... not having good sleep... im so tired

i will write more later
<3

hey...
I still dont know how my mom is yet but I believe she is home from the biopsy... I keep calling and her number is busy...

weight today 166.0 down .6
I have to get to at least 164 before the 1st. that was my goal... 10 pounds lost for the month.

I already exercised today so here are my exercise stats:
Walking stats:
Heart monitor stats
Max hr: 171
Avg hr: 128
Hr below 96: 39 minutes
Hr between 96-124: 37 minutes
Hr above 124: 1 hour 2 minutes
Calories burned: 829
Fat burned: 107 g

I Biked as well
Heart monitor stats:
Max hr: 184
Avg hr: 175
Hr above 124: 26 minutes
Calories burned: 308
Fat burned: 40 g

Bike stats:
25 minutes
9.17 miles
48.7 odometer (I think this is the cumulative mileage on the bike)
Calories burned: 337.1
I tried to keep my speed above 20 miles per hour, by the end I was keeping my speed above 22 miles per hour

exercise: walked...
I wore my heart monitor walking and then for a while after:

Here are the stats:
Max HR: 176
Avg. HR: 86
HR below 96: 3 hours 6 minutes
HR between 96-124: 45 minutes
HR above 124: 1 hour 17 minutes

Calories burned: 1460
Fat burned: 190g

Im really scared right now... Ive know for a while that my mom has been ill, but tomorrow she has to go in for a liver biopsy. There is a risk for bleeding and my moms blood levels are off some... but the doctors know that.
I really hate my feelings... for so long I had harsh feelings for my mom. Putting me up for adoption, not believeing me about the abuse... keeping my brothers... but a lot of those harsh feelings I dont have any longer... I have accepted that if she hadnt given me up for adoption I would not have the family I have now... I still struggle with the fact that she did not believe me about the abuse but this last year we worked on it some, she does not remember me ever telling her (even though it was 3 days before she abandoned me at the police station).
I guess I feel guilty, even though I believe on some level that I do not need to feel guilty, because my mom is so ill, I know it just matters that I am there for her now... but what about all the time I missed with her? BUT then again I didnt give myself up for adoption, I didnt chose to miss that time.
My mom was hospitalized back in the beginning of August, they had no idea what was wrong. She woke up and could not walk correctly, her speech was messed up, shaking(tremors), and she had recently lost a lot of weight...
My mom was transfered to another hospital like 3 weeks later, the hospital she was in messed up with a spinal tap. The new hospital kept her for 2 days and sent her to a rehab facility. She was there for about 2 weeks. When they sent her home they still did not know what was wrong with her. They put in a PIC line and had her doing IV antibiotics at home. She could barely walk around her apartment... the county did not have anything set up for her... she could not go to the grocery store or do laundry until they got her aides...
They finally did that... The hospital said she might have Lyme disease... its been months since they said that and I dont think anyone believes that now.
During one of the tests while she was in the hospital it was noted that she had abnormally high amounts of copper in her blood and urine...
The hospitals did nothing...
Around November a new doctor that my mom was seeing saw the results in some of the hospital files about the copper levels... so he ordered another set of the same tests, and then for her to go to a neurological optometrist. The doctor believe she has Wilsons disease. It is a disease where her body can not get rid of or metabolize copper. So it builds up and damages the liver, the brain, and other body functions.
This disease is ALWAYS fatal, treatment can help for long periods of time... if the treatment is early enough.
But given the fact that my mom has so many problems/symptoms it is unlikely that it is early in the disorder.
There is another test to determine if you have this disease, if you have K-F rings... they are copper deposits in the eyes... And my mom has them.
My mom is only 50... I dont want her to die, I dont want her to be so sick that she is in danger.  My mom has good spirits, she is relying heavily on her faith and the church. BUT my mom DOES NOT ask questions... she prefers to remain oblivious to anything regarding the disease or what may happen.
I cant even go and see her like I want, she is too far away... she is only like 4-5 hours away but she cant drive, i dont drive... bus tickets to there are above $100
I dont want anything to happen to her.
On top of all that this disease is herititary, because my mom has this I have a 25% chance of developing it.
I dont know... Im just really worried right now...

hey... weight 166.6... YIKES sounds ominous but hey its down... as long as nothing evil or whatever doesnt happen I will be happy... (because of the 666)

Im exhausted right now... i had to go to the store... wore my heart rate monitor... it says I burned 500 calories walking in the snow... cool... thankfully it is not as frigid today, its 29 degrees right now...

I bought a couple food items... ravioli and salad and bread and cereal and milk...
I probably could eat everything except for the cereal... lol

alright thats it for now

exercise stats:

heart rate monitor:
Max heart rate: 177
Avg heart rate: 161
Calories burned: 173
Fat burned: 22g

Bike stats:
15 minutes
Distance: 5.13 Miles
Odometer: 39.5
Calories burned: 188.7

hey... weight 167.6... down .4 hopefully I can keep going down

I did not go to therapy this morning... it was -7 degrees out... i was not going to walk...she understood...
at least its now 13 degrees...

well today is measurement monday
here I go... better than last week at least

Hip: 39.5 (40)
L R Hip: 34 (35)
Waist: 28.5 (29)
Breast: 32.75 (33)
Neck: 12.25
R Thigh: 21 (21.5)
L Thigh: 20.5 (21)
R U Arm: 9.75
L U Arm: 10
R Wrist: 5.75
L Wrist: 5.75
R Calf: 13.5
L Calf: 13.5

So thats a decrease in 3.25 inches... weight difference this week... 1 pound lost

definitely better than last week
alright thats enough for now... making dinner... yum

hey... weight 168.0

its so cold here... its -1 right now... and its only 6 pm...

depending on how cold it is in the morning i may not go out, to therapy... or the library... (i dont want to go work at the library anyway)

I just ate 2 steamfresh bags of broccoli and 4 pot pies... purged...

I hate the fact that tomorrow is monday and my weight is still very close to what it was 2 weeks ago... (not even a pound different)

I gotta get back to exercising tomorrow... my back is feeling better... i think i pulled something the other day, I carried all my stuff upstairs at once coming back from my sisters, backpack with scale, computer, books, purse, laundry basket, with clothes in it, a duffle bag thing with towels and sheets, and a plastic case with my pillow and 2 blankets, oh and i had a container of laundry soap... NOT good to carry all at once...
I should have made 2 trips...
not to mention at my sisters when leaving i slipped down the stairs (only 3) with my laundry basket, almost dumped the clothes all over... thankfully just 2 sweaters fell out

but so my back is feeling better so I gotta get off my lazy arse and bike...

i want to take pictures of my books that show all my books and make an inventory of them... hmmm, type all the names and authors... that would be fun...

alright i dont have much to say... later

you are a thinker

Your cautiousness, appreciation of functionality, and imagination  combine to make you a THINKER.

You have a vivid capacity for imagery that allows you to see beyond your present circumstances.

You like to be sure of yourself before voicing your opinion.

A lot of your time is spent at home, or with the people you care about.

Although you may dream often, you're very aware of how things work, and you value things that work well.

You take comfort in the familiar, and value predictability—and others value those things in you.

Accordingly, you prefer a set routine, and although you often imagine how things can be different, you're hesitant to take risks to change things.

Sometimes you doubt whether you have the ability to face certain challenges, but your practical focus helps you solve most problems.

Because of this, you tend to be more reactive than proactive, thinking thoroughly about the challenges that you face.

You have a broad-based, theoretical understanding of the world that allows you to understand its workings.

You're not one to force your positions on a group, and you tend to be fair in evaluating different options.

You're not afraid to let your emotions guide you, and you're generally considerate of others' feelings as well.

You prefer to have time to plan for things, feeling better with a schedule than with keeping plans up in the air until the last minute.

You do your own thing when it comes to clothing, guided more by practical concerns than by other people's notions of style. you are generous Your awareness of those around you, along with your nuanced perceptions of the world at large, makes you the GENEROUS person that you are. You value time to yourself and understand how rich your private world can be—you know that you don't have to go wild to have a good time. You are excited and energized by ideas and often enjoy things more through observation than through experience. This tendency gives you an appreciation for different perspectives and opinions about the world. Being as aware of others as you are doesn't mean you find it easy to trust them immediately—this is something that happens more slowly for you. Despite this, you are aware of the complexities of many situations and are reluctant to pass judgments on others. Although you have fewer friendships than some people, those that you have are meaningful and are important to you. You value spending time alone—it is while reflecting on the world around you that you often learn something new about yourself or begin to understand something that's been bothering you.

haha Laila... hope you are having some fun... your comment made me smile... get a little tipsy... love you too

hmmm well I ate some angel hair pasta with butter and salt and a pack of cinnamon buns... I forgot how hard pasta can be to purge... uggg.... but with rinsing and drinking extra water and sitting I got most out... well all that i  could. I was still 3 pounds up from this morning... but I know it was a good purge though because my kidneys started being hyperactive... i hate when that happens but its like the only time i know rinsing actually works...

im hungry again... not real hungry but some... but its 10 pm so not really a good time to eat... save the food for tomorrow...
i dont have a ton of choices or much money left... no foodstamps... uggg

uggg my weight is still screwy... but it is down from yesterday... no sleep really messed it up yesterday

i was having a lot of like cramps, i thought i might have some crap in me... i havnt gone in almost 2 weeks... so when i was at my sisters i took some miralax (because she has it there) and i felt the gassy moving stuff... but no bm... when i got home i took 1 lax.... didnt feel a thing... i think i need to take 2 but uggg i dont want to rely on stimulant lax for it ... I WISH I COULD GET MY DR TO PRESCRIBE ME MIRALAX its not habit forming... like your body cant get addicted to it... uggg its so expensive on a limited income...
my dr wont prescribe it ive talked to her over and over about it... ugggg

well weight number here it goes. 168.6 BLAH!

I ended up bping 2 times yesterday... non yet today but im hungry and i know i will

alright enough from this fatso

not sure what the hell is going on with my weight...

i slept about an hour... so my weight is not accurate.

this is going to be short because I want to go to bed... sleep

im gonna try to sleep till tomorrow and not eat today... ehh but thats usually not likely to happen...

my sister didnt bring me home when she said she would...i had to wait... she was supposed to bring me home in the morning (like 8) but wha wah... ohh im so tired... im gonna go to the store when i come back i will take you... she gets back at 11:30 and says ohh can missa take you home later... uhh i need to talk to my landlord about the water... Nick said he would take me home when he went to work... at 1 uggg

so its almost 2... getting ready for bed... lol

i bpd before leaving yesterday... and ate dinner at my friends... ate some more at my sisters and purged in the shower (in a bucket)
I couldnt sleep and at 3 i ate a little and purged again.

yesterdays heart monitor stats:
Max heart rate: 165
Avg. Heart rate: 118
Time heart rate below 96: 5 hours, 50 min
Time heart rate between 96-124: 3 hours, 48 min
Time heart rate above 124: 1 hour, 24 min

Calories burned: 2963
Fat burned: 384 g

uggg alright quick post...
weight disgusting

im eating right this second and am gonna have to purge soon... i am going to work for my friend and then go over to my sisters house for the night so I can do laundry...
im bringing my scale, computer... i cant believe my weight... yesterday f*d me up... binging and not being able to drink water like normal... i cant drink the water like normal... im bringing some food over to my sisters to bp tonight (in the middle of the night... my sister is working)

alright gotta go

rearranged my desk, a bookshelf and reorganized most of my books...
pics

uggg so im really frustrated... not with my weight or anything there but with the apartment complex... i dont know what happened but yesterday I noticed in the morning that the water sounded like there was air in the pipes... and when i flushed the toilet it made a weird sound but it flushed. there is this greyish particulate in the water...

I thought it was getting better.... the toilet flushes fine now... but the sinks (bath and kitchen) both smell like a plasticy smell... i cant describe it but its gross... i usually drink warm water to rinse and when binging... i cant manage the water... even though im gonna purge it.

I cant stand to do the dishes in the water, the smell is so ewww, the temperature got REALLY cold monday so I dont know if that messed up anyones pipes in the complex... or what if they were like cleaning out the pipes? and found like a ton of vomit? The manager is in the office friday, I wanna ask about the water but Im nervous what if it had something to do with me?
I didnt file any complaints regarding my toilet... I use it sometimes to purge but I use bags for bulky stuff...

I am very frustrated because I cant bp like I want... I tried bping with hot chocolate but thats not very good...
I dont keep a lot of other liquids around...

weight today 167.2 down a little...
im moving furniture around... not sure about biking...
tomorrow im cleaning for my friend... so no bike tomorrow... and i wont be able to get on in the evening because im going over to my sisters after to do laundry and spend the night... I will be back on friday... I will post before I go tomorrow though... my weight... and I will wear my heart monitor while cleaning and write the stats in a notebook to write here on friday.
<3

hey...
weight 167.6 down 1 pound... maybe yesterday was a fluke.

i feel like a ridiculous piece of lard... why are my legs so sore? I put the seat down one notch on the bike and yesterday when I rode my thighs worked a little more... but seriously it is not a lot of work...

I must be so ridiculously out of shape.... a fat piece of lard... whos hungry

exercise stats
Heart rate monitor:
Max Heart Rate: 177
Avg Heart Rate: 168
Calories burned: 936
Fat burned: 121 g
I cleared the heart monitor after writing the stats earlier... these stats are for the last 2.5 hours (the biking mostly)

Bike stats:
not sure about how far I am actually going... there are 2 different things one says distance and the other say odometer, i thought that may be speed but there is a speed button too... so I wrote the odometer and the distance, its likely im just doing the distance amount... the odometer amount is higher even though I clear the bike every time I use it.
30 minutes
5 tension
distance: 10.39
odometer: 34.4
Calories burned: 381.9

my after purge weight was 170
im freezing now... i need to change my shirt is wet with sweat... ick

a shower would be nice but i hate going to bed with my hair wet...

i just drank half a bottle of powerade zero...

ready to go climb in bed and read...

hey really frustrated today...
weight 168.6... AHHHH FRICK! up .6 what the heck...
my weight was okay going to bed... 169.8... but Tiger woke me up at about midnight (which he does when I try to go to bed early) and I went to the bathroom, and walked out into the kitchen, not really thinking but opened the fridge looked... was like hmmm some peanut butter and jam sounds good... so I made 3 sandwiches and then made the rest of a bag of frozen bean and cheese burritos... FLIPPEN FREAK... I purged... and rinsed... I thought it came up pretty easy... my after purge weight was 170.4... not outrageous for my body... I dont start really worrying until its like 3 pounds different from am to pm weights... because my body is stupid.

but of course I deserve the weight gain... FAT FREAK

of course on a Measurement Monday!
Might as well get this over with... pissed off here too... only .5 an inch change in EVERYTHING!
FAT FREAK
Hip: 40 (40.5)
L R Hip: 35
Waist: 29
Breast: 33
Neck: 12.25
R Thigh: 21.5
L Thigh: 21
R U Arm: 9.75
L U Arm: 10
R Wrist: 5.75
L Wrist: 5.75
R Calf: 13.5
L Calf: 13.5

So that is .5 and inch for the whole week, and the weeks weight difference +.2
I HAVE NOT HAD A GAIN WEEK SINCE CHRISTMAS!!!!

So I got up and went to therapy today... it was so COLD... we had an actual low temperature of -8 today that was not the wind chill... that was the actual temperature... when I got home it was 10 degrees out... I didnt look at what it was when I left but it was hard to breath and my face hurt.

I told my therapist about me not wanting to leave my apartment and she said its normal in the winter... i dont know I know I dont like winter but I dont remember feeling this way about wanting to be safe inside... but oh well...
I told her about going down and seeing Shannon... and how her treatment team sucks ass.... how she was struggling some... my therapist asked some questions and stuff but then only asked one, saying but your still doing alright arnt you? i was like yeah, wasnt looking at her when I answered... but she must be oblivious... ive lost 35 pounds... I have a hard time seeing it but why cant others... I dont really want her to say much but at the same time I want the recognition that she can see Ive lost weight... but I dont want to say anything... sometimes she asks my weight... if she was going to i had already planned on telling her I wasnt technically overweight anymore but still about 170

ugggg I am so FAT

hey... weight 168.0 uggg at least its down but why not .2 more?
I hope I lose a little more by tomorrow... I have only lost about half a pound since last monday... UGGG

my calves are really tight and sore... this is ridiculous... im not even exercising that much
tomorrow is measurement day im gonna freak if my calf muscles are growing

uggg i dont want to go out tomorrow... i cant miss therapy again... its been 3 weeks since i been there (she was on vacation 1 week)
i have to go out... have to stop at the bank... and i want to get a couple things at the store...

Alright Exercise stats...

Heart monitor stats:
Max Heart rate: 182
Avg. Heart rate: 150
Calories burned: 427
Fat burned: 55

Bike stats:
25.3 miles
303.2 calories
25 minutes
5 tension
(I rode faster today)

haha yeah Laila it is but low and behold at 11:30 last night i bpd again... 2 bagels and cereal... blah

weight 168.4 uggg finally back there...

cold...

im just thinking about food.... i want like chips but i dont want to go out of the apartment today... something salty... hmmm i was thinking of making pancakes... been meaning too for days but then when it actually comes to cooking I wait...

blah

Alright... exercise stats

heart monitor stats before biking... (so the walking and the rest of the day)
Max heart rate: 183
Avg heart rate: 146
Calories burned: 1465
Fat burned: 190 g

Heart monitor stats for biking
Max heart rate: 183
Avg heart rate: 163
Calories burned: 330
Fat burned: 43 g

Bike stats
15.8 miles
297.5 calories burned
25 minutes
level 5 tension

I ate and purged one time... 181.4-170.6 yuk big one... a whole pizza, a 2 liter diet soda, and a 24 pack of pb cookies ick

So im like a huge cow right now... eating a pizza...

weight this morning 168.8

im gonna bike after i purge... i wore my heart monitor all day... walking in the snow had my heart going fast... ill write down stats before and after riding

i feel so seclusionary? i just want to shut myself up in my apartment and not leave.... for AWHILE, a LONG while
i didnt even want to go to the store that much but i really wanted pizza

uggg im cold.... its 18 degrees out right now... i wanna turn up the heat but i cant afford it... uggg. I need gloves that i can type in... i havnt found a good pair yet

Alright will write my stats later

uggg so im so frustrated...
i dont understand my weight today... 169.8? wtf!

yesterday I bpd once... but my after purge weight was not off my morning weight by much... I kept in less than 200 calories=2 boiled eggs, and 2 more boiled egg whites it was about 180 calories

I was so frustrated... what the heck... my calf muscles are so tight too... could just the little bit of exercise be throwing my body off?

uggg so i just bpd ... rinsed but I got a major acid attack... i dont know... its usually good to get some acid at the end but omg I got so much yellow acid stuff... im chewing gum right now and I still taste it... I used baking soda, and mouth wash... uggg ick... I didnt even eat anything that was yellow... I ate some microwave sweet and sour chicken dinner, and cinnamon toast crunch cereal... uggg

I was thinking of not biking today... im paranoid that i might be building a little muscle in my legs... i dont want to... i know some is good...

I want to go read but if I go lay down and read I am likely to fall asleep...

Just biked... stats
Heart monitor stats:
Max heart rate: 181
Avg heart rate: 157
Calories burned: 207
Fat burned: 27 g

Bike stats:
7.7 miles
15 minutes
189 calories burned
Level 5 tension

it was a little better today... my butt hurts a lot... lol... seat is nice and big but hard... lungs still hurt... damn bike doesnt feel real stable though... I almost fell off it twice... the base needs to be wider... but ohh well

uggg im cold... almost time for bed... uggg i just drank half a bottle of powerade zero... full belly blah

Aggg weight 168.8 same... ugg
but i bpd 3 times yesterday... so probably good... i know my bedtime weight was 171.6

ugg its snowing... winter weather advisory... got a couple inches since last night... supposed to get a few more inches... blah

Since November 8th I have lost 39 inches... and 35 pounds... I think the inches and yeah i guess the pounds are hard to see gone... i see the difference in the tape measure or the scale but not on the body... hmm
So I just rode my new exercise bike... 10 minutes... blah lol man im out of shape... my lungs hurt right now... I wore my heart monitor... here are my stats...

heart monitor stats- high heart rate 187, avg heart rate 107, Calories burned 163, 21 g of fat.
the bike stats- 2.6 miles, 10 minutes, 96.6 calories, I had it on 8 tension (the highest)
Here is a picture of my measurement card that I just filled up... gotta make a new one for next week...

Laila! Thank you, I got your present in the mail! they are so pretty. Thank you!

Okay so I feel like a total idiot... i didnt do measurements yesterday... i guess just discombobulated from travel and then sleeping all day yesterday... so i will be doing monday measurements on tuesday! lol

todays weight 168.8... not surprised because of such a big drop and using lax. at least i only gained .4

Measurements
Hip: 40.5
L R Hip: 35
Waist: 29 (29.5)
Breasts: 33(35)
Neck: 12.25 (12.5)
R Thigh: 21.5
L Thigh: 21
R U Arm: 9.75 (10)
L U Arm: 10
R Wrist: 5.75
L Wrist: 5.75
R Calf: 13.5
L Calf: 13.5

Thats a difference of 3 inches. Since last monday I lost 5.6 (but that is with todays weight, yesterdays it would have been 6 pounds)

I dont have a lot to say right now...

hey... weight 168.4 :) I used a normal dose of lax so that helped a little... but i had stuff in me... yuk
I am drinking lots of water and it didnt cause diarrhea.

I totally slept almost all day... didnt get up till 4 pm... oops... i called my therapist last night and left her a message... I still didnt want to get up at 4 but I did... i want food sometime tonight and I gotta be up and awake...

haha okay so when I put my quilt on my bed last night... Tiger was a freakazoid lol... jumping from tie string to tie string trying to get them... turning all frisky.... then he runs off the bed and runs around the apartment. comes flying back in the bedroom and jumps on the bed. looking around trying to get the stupid tie strings... I hope he gets used to them.
He slept with me last night so he was able to put the tie strings out of his mind long enough to sleep... lol

it was really funny

alright thats it for now... will write later... thinking about food!

im home... tired as all heck...
i was 170.6 this morning...

hopefully lose some tomorrow... i dont know though... I ate oatmeal and had a cappuccino... the oatmeal is 150 calories but the cappuccino was a medium, with a little chocolate syrup (little squirt) and whipped cream... so probably at least 500 calories...

my bedtime weight was 171.8

I have not decided if I am going to my appointment tomorrow... I am so tired and dont want to leave the house...

OMG i just realized... I didnt purge today... wow... im so tired that im not even gonna eat or anything till tomorrow... wow so 1 day in 3 months... lol crap lol

alright couple pics

And I finished my quilt

hey... im at shannons... CRAPPY bus ride... pretty much almost had a panic attack... stupid driver

i  bought the ticket about 20 minutes before the bus was to arrive... i knew the schedule... the bus ticket that the guy gave me said batavia to syracuse to ithaca... im supposed to be going directly from batavia to ithaca... so i wasnt really sure what the difference was at first... when i finally got on the bus at 10:30 (late) the driver told me I was going to have to transfer buses in rochester... I CHOSE THIS BUS RUN SO I WOULDNT HAVE TO TRANSFER...
so i called the number on the ticket, they said they couldnt help me and gave me another number... a stupid guy who spoke freaking horrible english... told me i would have to wait in rochester till 1:30 to go to syracuse... I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE IN ITHACA AT 12:50...
I was almost crying... my stomach was so nauseous... I couldnt understand the guy so I said whatever and hung up.
We got to rochester, the bus driver told me this is where i wait for the bus to syracuse... I get all my bags... go inside almost hyperventilating... thinking I am going to be stuck in rochester... talked to the guy at the window that sells tickets and he told me i had to go get back on the bus i just got off... and just tell the driver i was going to ithaca and give him all the tickets... I told him he just told me to get off... he said go back...
THANK GOD! he let me back on the bus... as soon as i sat down i called shannon... as I was talking to shannon Homeland security came on the bus and questioned everyone... uggg at least no one was arrested...

I got down to ithaca about 1:30 late but omg I HATE PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION!
AND i have to ride it home on sunday!

Well I thought I would be good down here eating... haha omg thats a thought... not likely... thank GOD shannon understands everything... had 2 bps (well 2 meals/purges)...
I was like going crazy with food thoughts... I was like how am I going to go all weekend? I have not had a purge free day since the beginning of november...
I went to wegmans with shannon... omg if I were not with her... I would have spent the last of my food stamps and totally binged in the parking lot ... crazy...

hopefully tomorrow will be better... i told shannon i will be good around everyone... today it was just me and her... when we visit her mom or see her dad I CANNOT Purge... I say that now but I think but if I eat something I will HAVE to ... SO I have to LIMIT what I eat, when around others.

Alright its late <3

its about 10 to 9... go about 30-40 minutes  till my case worker gets here... i was going to sleep about an hour later than i did but Tiger had other plans and I felt guilty about leaving him so I let him wake me up... we cuddled and I pet him for about 20 minutes... then of course he wanted to be fed lol

I weighed in early... 170.4 Yay so close to the 160s!  I tried on a pair of pajama pants that I wanted to wear down at shannons because they are like my best ones.... but i stopped wearing them because they were getting pretty tight and I like them too much to chance rip them... but they were a lot looser than when I put them up a couple months ago... YAY
I know my jeans that my case worker got me are looser too but I am still to chicken shit to try on my smaller jeans... my next size lower is an 8... and these are 14... thats a big jump

thought i would splurge this morning... im going be up longer today... I made hot chocolate with french vanilla cappuccino in it... Yum... drinking it now... so i will be nice and warm on the bus I hope... Im bringing a small blanket... I remember when I rode down in nov. 2008 it was cold

so the only things i have to do is put my boots, coat on... pack my computer away... and pack my yogurt and powerade zero... all ready otherwise... Shannon I did NOT forget your christmas gift lol

I am bringing my new scale... I took the battery out for the travel... but shannons going to try it out too... give me her opinion on if its accurate...
I think I may be able to weigh smaller things even though the directions said otherwise... Tiger stepped on it and sat on it and he weight 16.2... thats about what I think he weighs... the directions said it wouldnt weigh anything under 35 pounds

alright... my friend has wifi so i can post down there... talk later <3

uggg okay so im glad im going to see shannon but i dont really like the idea of riding the bus down there... I know it should be okay... over 2 hours on the bus isnt what worries me... its the getting stuck, or lost or having homeland security raid the bus again... I havnt rode the bus since that happened over a year ago

I know the route... I know when to get off its not like its a city bus... its a greyhound... it will be okay...

uggg i am taking a sleeping pill tonight... and going to bed early... my case worker should be picking me up ate 9:30 the bus leaves at 10:10... I have to make sure to pack my yogurt in the morning... maybe a powerade zero...

the bus will be okay... the bus will be okay... the bus will be okay

couple pics

hey... weight 171.4
getting ready to go down to shannons... leave tomorrow morning...
gonna bp tonight... gonna try not to purge while down there.... im bringing yogurt and oatmeal

im tired... cold too

i bought mini reese cups to put in brownies tonight... yum will take pictures

Laila, yeah... i probably should... i would have to weigh myself with whatever and then without it because the lowest amount it weighs is 35 pounds... i dont really know what to weigh that I KNOW the exact weight of...
it zeros out everytime i tap it to use it also... but with my old scale messing up a few weeks ago... i dont know I havnt really trusted that one in awhile...

some pictures...
mac and cheese i made with someones recipe from mf... its made with tomato soup ? yeah but it was good... yum!

hey... well no weight change... 172.8
but I got my new scale about half an hour ago and its different... 171.8 YAY
I got my bike too, I have to put it together... but carrying it upstairs was a task... heart pounding and out of breath... lol

Yay new Scale, yay new scale *doing a happy dance*

im tired... im always tired...
the bike is in a small box, im surprised its all in there... I will have to take pictures when its all together

started the day off better... weight 172.8
was feeling okay... but then I got the mail...
crap... somehow and old bill finally caught up with me... I thought it was taken care of... I havnt heard anything about it in 2 years... you see when I lived with my sister we had the electric in my name because she has a back bill and cant get it in her name... she owes over $4,000
my sister never paid me money to put on the electric bill, so the $200 I paid her for rent, I put on the electric bill, well the bill still was very high and not getting paid all the way...
I moved out of my sisters back in july of 2008 and had an electric bill in my name for over $1,000. I tried to get some money from my sister but it was pointless, she wasnt talking to me back then... I thought my dad helped me out and when I moved to the place I am living now in October of 2008 and got the electric turned on, I had no problems...
Low and behold over 2 years later I GET a FRICKING bill... if I dont pay the money within 10 days it will go on my current account, I just got my heap allowance so I do have a positive balance but the old bill will put me in the hole over $600. then I have to try to make payment arrangements to pay that off and my current monthly bill.  I dont get a lot of money each month... a little more than $700 to pay for everything, rent, utilities, food when I run out of food stamps, everything... usually I have about 100-150 for me to buy like clothes or something i really have been wanting... like my exercise bike this month....
so the electric company is going to take more money away... I really am pissed at my sister right now... and she had no problem doing this... she put the electric bill in her kids names and everything... her daughter has high electric bills in her name... its ridiculus... she even lied to the electric company about her daughters age to get the electric on in her daughters name...

so im screwed... money is so fricken tight as it is...
just when i was starting to have an okay day... of course...

hmm bored... tired lol
just bpd 3 peanut butter and jam sandwiches, and mashed potatoes and gravy... after purge weight was lower than my morning weight YAY!
i cant eat any more tonight...
yesterday I weighed my purges (easier now that I dont purge in the toilet) and I purged over 14 pounds of food... wow blech disgusting...
I have been having a lot of thoughts lately... frustrating ones... because i know I am so gross and disgusting and bad... I need to be punished... jeez like if i were a little girl again i would expect to be beat.... and I think my feelings of greed? or whatever about christmas is making me feel the need to be punushed even more...
I know its like greedy but its also not about the gifts I got for christmas... it was more about the time and effort my FAMILY put into thinking and getting something (heck making something would have been great) I dont know... I know I shouldnt expect a lot from my family they have usually proven not to be worth expecting stuff from...
but no I am a greedy little twit... thinking about her gifts, ohh please... go ahead i am giving myself permission to grab a board and whack me upside the head.
like just knock the stupid out of me...
this is freaking ridiculus... why was it so wrong to hit me when I was young, i was obviously bad... i know it was wrong but now... hell i expect the same punishments... but its not the same if I beat the crap out of myself with a 2x4... yeah i feel the pain but i dont know...
self injury isnt a punishment for me... i dont want to go back to that either... wether it be just beating myself or cutting/burning
I cant think of the way I need to be punished, it drives me crazy because I dont usually let myself do things that are fun and entertaining...so skipping on them is not the answer...
food heck my ed wont let me try to change anything there... no eating might be a punishment but my ed is so freaking stupid I cant go a day without bping...
ugg im ridiculusly stupid

ahh its monday... weight 174.4 not bad...

its measurement monday
Hip: 40.5 (41)
LRHip: 35.5 (36)
Waist: 29.5 (30.5)
Breasts: 35
Neck: 12.5
R Thigh: 21.5 (22)
L Thigh: 21 (21.5)
RUArm: 10
LUArm: 10
R Wrist: 5.75
L Wrist: 5.75
R Calf: 13.5 (14)
L Calf: 13.5 (14)

Thats a decrease in 4 inches... weight wise this week I lost 4.8 pounds

Laila I got most of your birthday present but I wont be able to mail them until the 10th...

hey... weight 175.2 yay...

blah

mark started messaging me yesterday... not sure what to think... its been 3 weeks since I had heard from him... I feel like I have shut myself down to him... I am not sure I am willing to open myself up again even though I care about him. Id rather be alone than keep getting hurt because he cant make up his mind... but then what if he has made up his mind and now hes realized it? i dont know... but he has come to a pattern and im tired of it...

I am so tired... I am glad I have not much going on this week... just tuesday, my case worker is taking me grocery shopping...

I just did most of the dishes... I HATE doing dishes... i just have a few pans left... I usually dont let them build up so much...

I am making cheese raviolis tonight... yum...

does anyone have dreams that like continue every night? its really weird for like the last couple weeks I have been having these dreams where I am in some treatment center, but its like an alternate universe and my double is really out of control and I am being punished for it... and then there are ALWAY these bees attacking me... I always wake up shaking my head and stuff... and my sister is very mean in the dreams and I just want to stay in the ed place, even though I am not doing all the rules in regards to the ed treatment... I mean I had all these dead bees all over me and my sister wouldnt let me shower them off and I went walking down the hall and she said 'oh shes going to tell the staff...' so i talked with the staff because my sister was there to take me home and I said send the other me home with her... she thinks im bad all the time and i can stand it... when my sister found that out she started screaming and saying I would never be allowed to talk to the family again, not write letters to my father , NOTHING... When renee wasnt looking I went and tried talking to Kayla... she was mad at me... I tried telling her things were not right anymore, i needed to stay here
then walking outside in the dark with a staff (no idea where we were going) but then my dad started yelling and calling after me... I just sit down and cry... buried my head in my sweater... then when I looked up it was daylight out again and the double me went by this porch and told the bees where I was... for some reason I thought I could fly away from them... but I couldnt there were too many this time, i usually got away from the bees... but i couldnt last night...

I am scared to dream that dream what if i like died from the bees or something...

all that was part of last nights dream... and they like continue everynight... somewhere in the treatment center, like 3 hours away from home... but in an alternate universe? so strange

I dont know
what the heck am i trying to work out...

just got home from our christmas party... it was okay... im tired... I got 2 pillows from my parents... I hate feeling disappointed with my christmas gifts but i do, I should just be happy but I dont know. Im stupid. I feel like a greedy inconsiderate little fatso... uggg
why do I have to deal with rude people and feel like im not worth really getting anything...

ehhhg weight this morning 176.4 alright... still a COW
i ate at the christmas party... couldnt purge till almost 3 hours later... after purging at home I was 176.8 but I think I will be higher tomorrow... I deserve it I am a PIG
I ate some ham, a little cauliflower (1 tbsp), 2tbsp sweet potato, 1/4 cup of scalloped potatoe, a roll, then later 3 small cookies, a cupcake, and a piece of pie... HIDEOUS FAT COW

uggg I HATE me right now
SO FAT