I thought I would let you guys know I accomplished my goal! I was thrilled when I figured it out... Are you ready for the numbers? *starts drum roll* lol

I did 222.09 miles in May! Wow I can't believe it either... well my legs can lol... I should not really be surprised that is just over 7 miles a day... 

 had some nice warm weather here... kinda humid too so I have been having to walk later in the day... that kinda messes up the time frame available to walk but I don't walk after dark either... But it is healthier than getting stuck out walking and passing out or something. I bring water or an electrolyte beverage.  I have been getting dizzy at times so yeah I have got to be careful. 

ive got therapy tomorrow lets see what kind of crap is going to happen 

<3

uggg hey im just saying hi... long day... had my adoptive mothers birthday party/picnic today went alright... i had to purge there thankfully it was not hard or anything... just had to make sure no one knew...

so then at the picnic thing my sister mandy was there with pierce (the baby) and something was different with her today, normally she doesn't come to things that my other sister Renee is at... my mom usually doesn't invite them both. she didn't this time my dad did.

Mandy let me hold pierce and i gave him a little of his food, and swung on a swing with him on my lap. it was nice. He is so big too... i mean yeah he has always been big but being able to hold him a little you know you really feel how big he is... i would say he is at least 25 pounds... he is almost 9 months old... he wears 18 month old clothes. Top 100 percentile for his height and weight...

Nick and Kayla were there too... Kayla is such a little 'want to be mommy' she was like glued to pierce it was cute... kept asking to hold him and just being very motherly it was so adorable.

I ended up eating and purging again my sister wanted to go out to eat later... we had chinese... me chicken, my favorite sweet and sour chicken...

Purged as soon as I got home.... had 25 minutes with the chinese in me... felt like i was going to die or burst.

alright i gotta go... i need sleep lol
<3

Hey just a little update its late and i want to go to bed...
ummm my appointment with my case worker yesterday she back to her old self... i was really frustrated... she said i have done treatment before and doesn't think a program is the answer... I do agree that I have done treatment before, i have learned A LOT but the structuring is something that i need to get in a routine of eating normally... i can't and havn't been about to do that on my own.

What the heck? why is trying to change something that is bad for you so hard and then on top of it so hard to get help with.

its so pointless... what am i supposed to do magically change myself? How do I just change myself? ARGGG!! Stupid!

I tried looking up some eating disorder statistics on recovery rates but am too tired to look right now... i found a little but it is very basic information... i doubt my case worker would listen. I hate when it comes to this I am not being HEARD.

makes me just want to up and leave... damn all of this... would leaving even help? or yet again i will find someone (therapist or worker) to treat me the same way.  My niece asked me to move down where she lives... i have been wanting to leave here but i have nick and kayla, i told missa i would think about it... its not really that much closer to you shannon though... its Delevan Ny which is in Catturaugus county right near wyoming county

If she has the baby and I keep my fingers crossed that she can keep him safe in her for a lot longer but with the new news yesterday doctors are doubting that she will be able to much longer... her cervix has almost completely opened. she is in very much a shock or denial that anything bad will happen... i am at least glad that she is not overly stressing when she very much has the right to be. she may have to have a surgery to hold her cervix closed on tuesday but if her water breaks that messes everything else up... she can't keep him in long after that.

I would like to perhaps nanny for her and baby Aiden if he I have to say this even though i wish i dont if he survives. he is at such high risk i am so scared that something is going to happen... but i know whats going to happen will happen weather we worry ourselves sick or not.

If I move down there i would really want to be doing better with the eating... but being down there could get me to possibly be close enough to go to the elmira nutrition place but to make my decision on that is ridiculous. And it is still like 2 hours away.

Uggg I am so fat it is disgusting... fat piece of lard... ate and purged 2 times... my eating is growing disgustingly nasty... more like binges now... for sure are binges... the purging i feel is so hard on my body it makes me scared but i still can't stop

Even at my sisters the last 2 days... i usually try really hard to not purge there but there was not even a question in my head if I would purge there i have to now i am so fat, hideously fat. Even thought I purged there I know it was not enough I was up in weight at home 153.8 Disgusting!

I walked today... had to do more because yesterday was slow since at my sisters... alright i guess that is it... i am really tired and the news is almost over anyway... NIGHT!

Hey... weight was up from the bad purge yesterday... 153.6 only about 1.5 pounds... not as bad as i thought it would be... but still not good...

for like the last week i have been having trouble purging... something is off... i dont know... maybe it is my body's way of telling me to stop... haha yeah probably

I walked today... my appointment was cancelled... my worker couldn't make it... figures... I have therapy tomorrow... early... uggg have to be there at 9...

I guess i will talk to her about what i should do now... the nutritionist didn't work out... gonna bring my food journal not sure if I am going to share it but i will tell her about the amount of purging...  im not mentioning the lax because it isnt really that big of a problem... i have been very bad with lax before... right now i have only used it like 3-4 times in a month or two... not great but not bad.

i am really tired so this is going to be it... i went to work for my friend didnt get home till after 9... i did 9 miles today... <3 i will write tomorrow

Hi just thought i would stop by... kinda pissed at myself... i ate earlier and for some reason i couldn't purge all... i drank extra water 2 times... waited 20 minutes retried... cannot eat muffin mix made into cake like thing ever again. I was down to 152 this morning too... not now... i took lax i know it doesn't really help but i had to do something
I am going to work for my friend tomorrow... a little money will last me a day or 2... but it is something...

I put kaylas dance recital on here, i am sure you saw it because it is right up top there... I know neither of you can really know which person is kayla sorry i didnt figure out how to say her name where she was dancing... but there are a couple still pictures in the movie... She was Awesome... So proud of her.

Alright just wanted to post a little.... thats it... i need to head to bed... i want to get myself out of bed earlier... go walking before my appointment at 1 and then work for Nancy at 3:30 or so...
<3
~Kristi
=^..^=

hey... i thought i would say hi... not much to say though... my referral for the nutritionist was denied... I am very frustrated... how is it when I need some help... not need it severely but need it none the less... can insurance deny. This is ridiculous. My brain is telling me i am not really that bad, sick, you know enough... I am not emaciated so I do not deserve the assistance. I should just accept that this is my life, i should just deal with it. this is how i am supposed to be, deserve to be.
Disgustingly fat and unable to control myself around food. or money to buy food.

DISGUSTINGLY FAT!

I dont know... i got these kind of nice texts from my case worker... I am shocked... I told her I was really frustrated with my insurance denying me... she said 'try to stay positive that the new medication will work and we will continue exploring other options.' 'i know u r frustrated but sometimes certain things dont work out for a reason. You never know what good things r in store for you! then 'i have faith in you. believe in yourself talk to your mirror like i taught you!!'
I could not believe the texts when i read them... things used to be so messed up with her. I lost trust in her when she didn't believe me about something really important... did not stand up for my rights when it is her job as my case manager. But now since we started working together again (last fall) she is different... I think because she had kids she changed some... I dont know...

I dont know...so tomorrow is Kaylas dance recital... i am going to try to tape it... maybe i can put it on the computer somehow... we will see... Alright this is it for tonight... love you guys

What Tiger does to me:
I would go crazy (well crazier) without Tiger. He doesn't really know what he means to me, heck I can't even put into words the love I have for him... The end of a day, laying in bed... he comes up, I have to lay on my left side... he curls up from my chin to my stomach... When his little motor starts I feel like I could burst with love, I am smiling inside. He does that to me... And I LOVE HIM so much.

my day was alright... I was not entirely smart but what is new lol. It was warm today and I wore my Keen Flip Flops... they are really comfortable and they are special made because I had a really bad bunion (I had surgery on it last year). Well I *Forgot that feet have to get used to shoes before long walks... by fall I will be able to wear the shoes and not have a problem but today my punishment was 3 blisters... uggg big ones... how very smart of me lol. I even walked barefoot for awhile... so 9.22 miles... wanted to do more but couldnt... my feet were objecting. Ahhh but all is good... they will heal and I will not walk in my flip flops for awhile.

I talked to my psychiatrist today was alright... talked about my obsessive problems with walking and eating... she knew most of it but didnt realize it was still bothering me so much. She is trying a very small dose of a medication... I am rather nervous about it, but I am at a point where I know I don't want to be so controlled by my thoughts. So 2 weeks... I have 2 weeks to try this medication Then I go back and see if it is doing what she hopes.

Alright I guess this is it for tonight... <3

hey my loves,
im really tired so this will be short... I walked A LOT today... my legs felt like they were going to fall off. I didnt plan on walking so much but I went out to the school to see Kayla do her practice dance recital... I had already walked... so I ended up doing 14.25 miles... im not complaining, perhaps it will help my weight

Ate and purged 2 times... but no binge, just ate a couple cookies the first time and a regular ice cream the second time.

I am still feeling a little off... I wish anxiety didnt effect me physically. The palpitations, and slight chest pains are concerning... I guess I could almost 95% of it could be anxiety but there is still the 5% of me that says well I do purge, and use lax that could hurt me. So I have that in the back of my head. But I am not going to make a doctors appointment only to be told its anxiety... how frustrating is that.

I am still waiting for referral information to the nutrition clinic... it has been like 3 weeks... I might call again tomorrow...
I am tired... ugg alright love you guys

Alright thought I would drop by real quick, I am off to my room for the night... tv, maybe read, and bed
My weight is still disgusting... but getting back down to where it was a week or more ago... 153.6 now when i get back to 151.8 it will have been almost 2 weeks... pretty much disgusting.. not keeping much in... last sunday was mothers day and I ate then but used lax... uggg
Walked a little...
ate and purged 2 times...
alright im tired so thats it for tonight

hey, thanks so much my beautiful, lovely Laila.

I am doing a little better today... Tired though... Fell asleep around 4 in the morning... woke up at 6 from a nightmare and dripping in sweat. Tiger cuddled with me a little after I changed.

I walked... not a lot but I still got out there and walked... I think I have been having some anxiety issues... at least I hope so. I had a couple palpitations... and extreme fatigue... I think it is stress on my body from all that has gone on this week... not to mention the purging and I have used lax a couple times... i am trying not to use it much because that is what really hurts my body.

I dont know... i am really tired so I guess this is a short post tonight... better than last nights long one.
Luv you so much Laila, I am so glad to have you as a friend. <3 <3
~Kristi
=^..^=

I cant stop thinking... I know the past is the past, it is over it is done with. I can't believe though that I was so bad. How does a child stab a living thing? How does a child threaten harm, severe harm to a sibling?

Was I like this before my mom sent me to live with pat? Why did she send me there? That is what started it all. Pat, and his stupid hands... 6 years old. I dont remember much but I remember 2 incidences. I am sure it happened more than that. I didnt even understand him then... saying things... telling me he wanted to cut some of the dogs hair and put it down there... make it look better... what the heck did that mean? Then I didnt know... I know now, I have for awhile...

If Pat never did what he did, Michael never would have gotten the idea when I told him. Then life wouldnt have changed.

What do I do with my thoughts... I mean part of me is glad what happened happened but only in the sense that I would not be where I am today. I would not have my family I do now. I would not have Nick and Kay.

I dont know what to do right now... I wish my mother never brought all this up. I thought I was okay with all this... it was in the past... I have been okay for awhile now... why destroy things now?

I cant let this ruin me, bring me down, I cant let this trigger the depression. I have to live, I have to survive and move on. Right now though I need to try to just deal with these emotions, heck I dont even know all of what I am feeling, I know confusion, and frustration, mad, and disbelief. I dont know... This is so wrong. How could I ever have been so violent?

Was it not the abuse that made me suicidal at 8 years old? Trying to kill myself, being laughed at. I didnt really understand that you cant really choke yourself with a piece of wood (a small log, that we (my brothers and I ) had to carry up and down the hill in the back yard... a punishment.

Being forced to sleep outside on the porch because I wet the bed. being hit, slapped, spanked with wood the paddle, not being able to eat, when i stole cereal in the middle of the night and Michael found out he hurt me and then in the morning I got a punishment from my mom... she didnt know about the one from Michael... his was 'his' way.

How can I be the person I am today? I am not the violent little girl but how do I deserve what I have? Heck how do I deserve to live. I must have been right, I was not a normal child... I was evil, demon whatever you say. Not good. Bad.

Then I have the very tiny thought, how do I know what my mother said is true. Who is to say I did any of that? Someone who was so mentally ill that was hearing voices, seeing things... was not on meds.
I dont know
I really have to try to sleep... I really want to purge... just eat and purge... and purge and purge and purge
Get all this out of me.
later

Ahh Thanks my Lovely Laila, It is good I did get out for a walk.

Today... hmm therapy again, my therapist is not going to be in next week so i saw her again today. Kinda glad too... all this talking with my real mom has got be thinking too much.

I actually called her today... my therapist and case worker thought I should tell her some of the stuff I am thinking... so I did a little... I didnt want to hurt her so I was trying to be nice but also saying some of what I needed.
Basically that I was mad at her... a lot when I was younger, She is still saying she did not know of anything going on, but I know she knew I told her. It is just a matter of her remembering. You know because I was the 'bad' child, I thought there was a way for her to come get me after giving me up. I thought if I was good enough... i never was.

She told me today that I stabbed a cat, and I chased my little brother around with a butcher knife. SERIOUSLY! Would I remember something like that? I cannot picture me doing that.  She said I hid knives by my bed. I can imagine doing that because that is where Michael would hurt me. But I dont remember any of that.

So basically my trying to tell her a little really just made me realize it was really her I was trying to please, trying to get her to love me, trying to get her to take me back... Something to always keep me trying for perfection. Something to make me perfect enough, good enough for my mom.

I dont know i have some more thinking to do... thats it for tonight

I was doing some calculations... lol my obsessive compulsiveness was taking over... I am alittle more than a third way to my goal of 185 miles this month. To finish with exactly 185 I need to continue to do at least 6.12 miles a day...

I almost did not walk today. I went out at around noon and it was rainy and cold... about 40 degrees... I usually walk around 1-2 in the afternoon... but was not up to it at that time... too cold. so I took the garbage out at 7 pm and noticed the weather was warmer... the sun was out... so i went back inside and put on my sneakers and said 'time for a quick walk' I knew I did not have time for my regular walk because I CANNOT walk outside after dark.

So I did 68 minutes... did 7.2 miles... I feel better knowing that I got out...  I have a couple appointments tomorrow... and walking to one of them. 

Getting ready for bed now... my snack... popcorn and bed... be up early. 

hey... my mom (bio) called again today... she tried talking to Travis... about the stuff that happened when we were young... My mom said he didnt know what I was talking about. Did he block it out? Why did he say basically it didnt happen? Am I overthinking all this?
I seriously have been going crazy with all this... I know memories can be real... but I also know that memories can be changed when you believe the lie too much it no longer becomes a lie. I am questioning my memories. I know things happened. I KNOW that. but what is the truth. my mother said i misbehaved... i had a lot of problems. something was wrong with me. I stole food, which is the only 'bad' thing I really  remember. I dont know what 'bad' things i did when i was young. Why my mom took me to that police station and left me there.
I always believed it was because of the abuse.. because I was a girl. she kept my brothers... Why was I so bad? What was wrong with me? Am I still that way because I dont know how I was... am i bad?

I dont understand it... I could NEVER give my child up because they 'misbehaved' what COULD a child do to ever make me give them up? I do not believe I could ever do that. so something is different with me... was i not like another child. something worse? heck i dont know what could be that? a demon? an evil presence?

I dont know...

hmmm havnt posted in a few days sorry... needless to say I am a cow... wait.. no im not I am a cow, pig and elephant all in one... uggg I have felt this way for a couple days now... GROSS

I didnt walk as much friday, saturday and sunday so my grossness is overwhelming... the weather has been crazy... i know it is not a reason I did not walk it is an Excuse... but seriously... severe thunderstorms... extreme winds (60+ miles an hour) and then on sunday snow... uggg... i havnt wanted to step out of the house.

I had mothers day brunch with my mom (adopted mom) and was an outcast... or so I feel... I hate family things... I called my biological mom too... had some crazy information given to me... I do not even know how to process it.
Okay I will tell some of it... In my biological family I have 2 brothers, one younger (Jason) and one older (Travis) and my mom (Brenda)
Well I was talking to my mom and she had moved down to live with Jason last year... she noticed a lot of 'disturbing' things... Jason was verbally abusive and at times physically... My mom ended up moving out of Jasons place because she couldnt handle the way he was acting... Well now I guess Jason is acting abusive towards his kids. Ever since he had his second child... a boy... it triggered something in him.
I found out yesterday that Jason was arrested when he was 16 for molesting 2 boys. My mother believes he is abusing the children. She called CPS... but I just am in disbelief I guess

I know what we went through as kids... the abuse... I know that changes people but I dont understand how you can turn around and do that to someone else. I do know that is what happens a LOT of the time though... i just dont understand it. I could NEVER do something like that...

My mother called me today and asked me 'what happened' when we were young, why did I misbehave so much. If it had anything to do with Jason. I told her it wasnt just Jason, it was with Travis and my stepfather. And it didnt start with Jason or Travis... it was started my Michael (stepfather) he included J and Travis... touched them, made them touch me and me touch them.
My mom started crying... I am dumbfounded
She said she didnt know... she didnt understand why i was so bad.
But I told her... at least in my head I remember telling her... she was so mad... she punished me and then 3 days later she took me to the police station and left me there.
I was 8 years old...

I dont know... how do I understand all this... I know it all happened and I guess I thought I put it behind me... but I dont know... How do I not think of Jason as bad... right now thats all I see when i talk about him. He is an abuser.
I dont understand how he could do that.
I dont know...
I am so utterly confused.

Uggg so I didnt lose any of this weight from my sisters... YUK... still 157... what the heck

I walked... 10.64 miles... It was hard to keep my heart rate up... odd...

I ate and purged 2 times... it would have only been once but my dad called and asked me to lunch.

It was chilly here today... ugg and its supposed to get chillier ... yuk...

I have been kind of discontent today... like not sure what to do with myself...ehh oh well
~Kristi
=^..^=

FAT today... just being at my sisters yesterday and eating what I ate I was up 6 pounds! From zucchini, summer squash and 2 turkey burgers. I ate zucchini bread but purged it.

I hope it is just a temporary thing... I walked 11.17 miles... I had to do more...  I should have done more than that too

Ate purged 2 times today... im ready for bed now... i slept like 4 hours ... never went to sleep at my sisters came home when she went to work at 6 am... fell asleep at 6:30... slept for a little while... got up weighed myself was so disgusted and then went walking.

I need to be back down to 151

Hey my loves...
at my sisters... doing laundry and finishing the rest of the cabinet. Got new hinges and did a clear polyurethane coat to protect it.

I ate a little more today... because I am at my sisters... 2 turkey burgers, 1/2 cup steamed zucchini and squash.
She made zucchini bread the other day... uggg i hate when she has home made breads in the house... I am totally addicted to them, banana bread, zucchini bread, pumpkin bread.... ahhhh!

I was 151.8 today... but now real walking ... I have done 4 loads of laundry so that is a little workout... nowhere near enough...

Alright that is it for the night... really short post... sorry...

hey loves...
152.4 down a tiny bit...
I walked 10.74 miles... made up for some of yesterdays i didnt do.

my therapist appointment went ok.. she thought it would be a good idea to see the nutritionist. now i have to wait for the referral from my doctor

uggg i am so tired right now... blah!
ate and purged 2 times today and i still want to eat. YUK

hmmm well i guess that is it...
ohh laila no none of my medications are stimulants that could make my heart race like that. I hadnt any caffiene either. so I do think it was the stress of purging... and possibly dehydration

love you ladies
~Kristi
=^..^=

hey... uggg ok umm not bad weight wise... down a little... 152.8
I just ate and purged... blah

while purging and a little after while washing I got my heart rate going to the 180s, I would take breaths and stop and just hang my head over the sink but my heart rate wouldnt go down.

so after washing I went to the bathroom... got my heart rate down to the 140s... but immediately getting up and doing my final weigh in after purging and my heart rate went back up to the high 170s... went and got a small drink of G2 gatorade... heart rate still going fast...

usually my sitting heart rate is 65-75 right now just sitting at the couch it is 107... and I am shaky as all hell...

I have been so blah and tired today... Went to the store 2 times... first time I was really good not buying a lot of crap...  but then i went to the cheaper store and bought crap, 5 hours later... blah

I have therapy tomorrow... and an appointment with Kristina...

I was a lazy fat cow today...only walked 2.68 miles... my legs are so weak from the biking yesterday... I havnt biked in AGES! COW COW COW....

uggg alright I am going to go... i think i need to lay down my heart is still going pretty fast...
Luvs
~Kristi
=^..^=

Hey...
The kids have gone home... I took them swimming but of course the information they had on the school website was not updated and swimming times were changed. The kids were upset so I ended up taking them to the park... it started sprinkling so they got a little wet too! lol

I spent the money that I was going to use for swimming and bought the kids ice cream.

my apartment is a MESS... i have to seriously clean tomorrow... the kids do not pick up after themselves very well.

Kayla has her training wheels off her bike... We were leaving the ice cream place (Renee their mom) was taking Nick and Kay was going to ride her bike back to my place. Renee was pulling out of the driveway and was also trying to watch Kayla ride her bike and Renee hit the curb and popped her tire. Right in the middle of town... infront of burger king, tim hortons... family dollar... and subway... not a good place to get a flat tire. So Kayla and I went over and I watched Renee change a tire... Nick and Kayla 'helped' as much as they could.... The police came to see if we needed help but then he just stood there as Renee was trying to take the flat tire off the car... struggling... not helping... stupid Albion police lol

Ummm so I wasnt going to walk because I bike rode and was going to swim... but the kids ended up leaving at like 6 pm... after about 20 minutes I was like I NEED to go walk... so I did... a different way because I was afraid to go too far and get stuck walking in the dark. I did 5.73 miles... not great but it is something and I did bike ride so that was exercise too My heart rate monitor says I burned over 3000 calories already...

Ummm ate and purged once... I should have purged 2 times though... I was going to purge the ice cream but when I was on the way home that is when Renee got the flat tire so by the time I got home it was about an hour and a half later...
Before my walk I ate... leftover homemade pizza (stuffed crust!) and some cookies.... that is what I purged...

I kept getting light headed and dizzy walking so on my way back I bought some G2 gatorade... perhaps I need the electrolytes... cant hurt...

I am getting ready to head off to my room and get comfy in bed... perhaps read or play my DSi... Make some popcorn...
Alright Loves! Night!
~Kristi
=^..^=

Hey sorry i havnt posted in a few days...
I have Nick and Kayla over... they spent the night... I am taking them to the school to go swimming today. It is almost 80 degrees and its not even 11 am. It might rain later...

So today is the first... I added up my walking last night. I made the 150 miles... I actually did 161.67 miles... almost 30 miles more than last month. I burned with the pedometer 13,892 calories... that is with the pedometer measuring just the walking... with the heart rate monitor... during the times I wore it... 52,964 and 6436 fat burned.

i should look up more about fat burned... see how much energy it takes to burn it

I was 154.6 today... not sure how that happen but i am not complaining

I dont really get to walk today because I have the kids but perhaps I will burn calories swimming... I dont do laps or anything just gonna play with the kids...

Ate and purged 2 times yesterday... only kept some grapes... Didnt even eat POPCORN! wow a first in awhile.

hmmm not sure what else right now... gotta go get dressed and what not to play with the kids.
HUGZ
~Kristi
=^..^=