hmmm havnt posted in a few days sorry... needless to say I am a cow... wait.. no im not I am a cow, pig and elephant all in one... uggg I have felt this way for a couple days now... GROSS

I didnt walk as much friday, saturday and sunday so my grossness is overwhelming... the weather has been crazy... i know it is not a reason I did not walk it is an Excuse... but seriously... severe thunderstorms... extreme winds (60+ miles an hour) and then on sunday snow... uggg... i havnt wanted to step out of the house.

I had mothers day brunch with my mom (adopted mom) and was an outcast... or so I feel... I hate family things... I called my biological mom too... had some crazy information given to me... I do not even know how to process it.
Okay I will tell some of it... In my biological family I have 2 brothers, one younger (Jason) and one older (Travis) and my mom (Brenda)
Well I was talking to my mom and she had moved down to live with Jason last year... she noticed a lot of 'disturbing' things... Jason was verbally abusive and at times physically... My mom ended up moving out of Jasons place because she couldnt handle the way he was acting... Well now I guess Jason is acting abusive towards his kids. Ever since he had his second child... a boy... it triggered something in him.
I found out yesterday that Jason was arrested when he was 16 for molesting 2 boys. My mother believes he is abusing the children. She called CPS... but I just am in disbelief I guess

I know what we went through as kids... the abuse... I know that changes people but I dont understand how you can turn around and do that to someone else. I do know that is what happens a LOT of the time though... i just dont understand it. I could NEVER do something like that...

My mother called me today and asked me 'what happened' when we were young, why did I misbehave so much. If it had anything to do with Jason. I told her it wasnt just Jason, it was with Travis and my stepfather. And it didnt start with Jason or Travis... it was started my Michael (stepfather) he included J and Travis... touched them, made them touch me and me touch them.
My mom started crying... I am dumbfounded
She said she didnt know... she didnt understand why i was so bad.
But I told her... at least in my head I remember telling her... she was so mad... she punished me and then 3 days later she took me to the police station and left me there.
I was 8 years old...

I dont know... how do I understand all this... I know it all happened and I guess I thought I put it behind me... but I dont know... How do I not think of Jason as bad... right now thats all I see when i talk about him. He is an abuser.
I dont understand how he could do that.
I dont know...
I am so utterly confused.