Hey just a little update its late and i want to go to bed...
ummm my appointment with my case worker yesterday she back to her old self... i was really frustrated... she said i have done treatment before and doesn't think a program is the answer... I do agree that I have done treatment before, i have learned A LOT but the structuring is something that i need to get in a routine of eating normally... i can't and havn't been about to do that on my own.

What the heck? why is trying to change something that is bad for you so hard and then on top of it so hard to get help with.

its so pointless... what am i supposed to do magically change myself? How do I just change myself? ARGGG!! Stupid!

I tried looking up some eating disorder statistics on recovery rates but am too tired to look right now... i found a little but it is very basic information... i doubt my case worker would listen. I hate when it comes to this I am not being HEARD.

makes me just want to up and leave... damn all of this... would leaving even help? or yet again i will find someone (therapist or worker) to treat me the same way.  My niece asked me to move down where she lives... i have been wanting to leave here but i have nick and kayla, i told missa i would think about it... its not really that much closer to you shannon though... its Delevan Ny which is in Catturaugus county right near wyoming county

If she has the baby and I keep my fingers crossed that she can keep him safe in her for a lot longer but with the new news yesterday doctors are doubting that she will be able to much longer... her cervix has almost completely opened. she is in very much a shock or denial that anything bad will happen... i am at least glad that she is not overly stressing when she very much has the right to be. she may have to have a surgery to hold her cervix closed on tuesday but if her water breaks that messes everything else up... she can't keep him in long after that.

I would like to perhaps nanny for her and baby Aiden if he I have to say this even though i wish i dont if he survives. he is at such high risk i am so scared that something is going to happen... but i know whats going to happen will happen weather we worry ourselves sick or not.

If I move down there i would really want to be doing better with the eating... but being down there could get me to possibly be close enough to go to the elmira nutrition place but to make my decision on that is ridiculous. And it is still like 2 hours away.

Uggg I am so fat it is disgusting... fat piece of lard... ate and purged 2 times... my eating is growing disgustingly nasty... more like binges now... for sure are binges... the purging i feel is so hard on my body it makes me scared but i still can't stop

Even at my sisters the last 2 days... i usually try really hard to not purge there but there was not even a question in my head if I would purge there i have to now i am so fat, hideously fat. Even thought I purged there I know it was not enough I was up in weight at home 153.8 Disgusting!

I walked today... had to do more because yesterday was slow since at my sisters... alright i guess that is it... i am really tired and the news is almost over anyway... NIGHT!