I cant stop thinking... I know the past is the past, it is over it is done with. I can't believe though that I was so bad. How does a child stab a living thing? How does a child threaten harm, severe harm to a sibling?

Was I like this before my mom sent me to live with pat? Why did she send me there? That is what started it all. Pat, and his stupid hands... 6 years old. I dont remember much but I remember 2 incidences. I am sure it happened more than that. I didnt even understand him then... saying things... telling me he wanted to cut some of the dogs hair and put it down there... make it look better... what the heck did that mean? Then I didnt know... I know now, I have for awhile...

If Pat never did what he did, Michael never would have gotten the idea when I told him. Then life wouldnt have changed.

What do I do with my thoughts... I mean part of me is glad what happened happened but only in the sense that I would not be where I am today. I would not have my family I do now. I would not have Nick and Kay.

I dont know what to do right now... I wish my mother never brought all this up. I thought I was okay with all this... it was in the past... I have been okay for awhile now... why destroy things now?

I cant let this ruin me, bring me down, I cant let this trigger the depression. I have to live, I have to survive and move on. Right now though I need to try to just deal with these emotions, heck I dont even know all of what I am feeling, I know confusion, and frustration, mad, and disbelief. I dont know... This is so wrong. How could I ever have been so violent?

Was it not the abuse that made me suicidal at 8 years old? Trying to kill myself, being laughed at. I didnt really understand that you cant really choke yourself with a piece of wood (a small log, that we (my brothers and I ) had to carry up and down the hill in the back yard... a punishment.

Being forced to sleep outside on the porch because I wet the bed. being hit, slapped, spanked with wood the paddle, not being able to eat, when i stole cereal in the middle of the night and Michael found out he hurt me and then in the morning I got a punishment from my mom... she didnt know about the one from Michael... his was 'his' way.

How can I be the person I am today? I am not the violent little girl but how do I deserve what I have? Heck how do I deserve to live. I must have been right, I was not a normal child... I was evil, demon whatever you say. Not good. Bad.

Then I have the very tiny thought, how do I know what my mother said is true. Who is to say I did any of that? Someone who was so mentally ill that was hearing voices, seeing things... was not on meds.
I dont know
I really have to try to sleep... I really want to purge... just eat and purge... and purge and purge and purge
Get all this out of me.
later