Ahh Thanks my Lovely Laila, It is good I did get out for a walk.

Today... hmm therapy again, my therapist is not going to be in next week so i saw her again today. Kinda glad too... all this talking with my real mom has got be thinking too much.

I actually called her today... my therapist and case worker thought I should tell her some of the stuff I am thinking... so I did a little... I didnt want to hurt her so I was trying to be nice but also saying some of what I needed.
Basically that I was mad at her... a lot when I was younger, She is still saying she did not know of anything going on, but I know she knew I told her. It is just a matter of her remembering. You know because I was the 'bad' child, I thought there was a way for her to come get me after giving me up. I thought if I was good enough... i never was.

She told me today that I stabbed a cat, and I chased my little brother around with a butcher knife. SERIOUSLY! Would I remember something like that? I cannot picture me doing that.  She said I hid knives by my bed. I can imagine doing that because that is where Michael would hurt me. But I dont remember any of that.

So basically my trying to tell her a little really just made me realize it was really her I was trying to please, trying to get her to love me, trying to get her to take me back... Something to always keep me trying for perfection. Something to make me perfect enough, good enough for my mom.

I dont know i have some more thinking to do... thats it for tonight