hmm bored... tired lol
just bpd 3 peanut butter and jam sandwiches, and mashed potatoes and gravy... after purge weight was lower than my morning weight YAY!
i cant eat any more tonight...
yesterday I weighed my purges (easier now that I dont purge in the toilet) and I purged over 14 pounds of food... wow blech disgusting...
I have been having a lot of thoughts lately... frustrating ones... because i know I am so gross and disgusting and bad... I need to be punished... jeez like if i were a little girl again i would expect to be beat.... and I think my feelings of greed? or whatever about christmas is making me feel the need to be punushed even more...
I know its like greedy but its also not about the gifts I got for christmas... it was more about the time and effort my FAMILY put into thinking and getting something (heck making something would have been great) I dont know... I know I shouldnt expect a lot from my family they have usually proven not to be worth expecting stuff from...
but no I am a greedy little twit... thinking about her gifts, ohh please... go ahead i am giving myself permission to grab a board and whack me upside the head.
like just knock the stupid out of me...
this is freaking ridiculus... why was it so wrong to hit me when I was young, i was obviously bad... i know it was wrong but now... hell i expect the same punishments... but its not the same if I beat the crap out of myself with a 2x4... yeah i feel the pain but i dont know...
self injury isnt a punishment for me... i dont want to go back to that either... wether it be just beating myself or cutting/burning
I cant think of the way I need to be punished, it drives me crazy because I dont usually let myself do things that are fun and entertaining...so skipping on them is not the answer...
food heck my ed wont let me try to change anything there... no eating might be a punishment but my ed is so freaking stupid I cant go a day without bping...
ugg im ridiculusly stupid