Laila I got most of your birthday present but I wont be able to mail them until the 10th...

hey... weight 175.2 yay...

blah

mark started messaging me yesterday... not sure what to think... its been 3 weeks since I had heard from him... I feel like I have shut myself down to him... I am not sure I am willing to open myself up again even though I care about him. Id rather be alone than keep getting hurt because he cant make up his mind... but then what if he has made up his mind and now hes realized it? i dont know... but he has come to a pattern and im tired of it...

I am so tired... I am glad I have not much going on this week... just tuesday, my case worker is taking me grocery shopping...

I just did most of the dishes... I HATE doing dishes... i just have a few pans left... I usually dont let them build up so much...

I am making cheese raviolis tonight... yum...

does anyone have dreams that like continue every night? its really weird for like the last couple weeks I have been having these dreams where I am in some treatment center, but its like an alternate universe and my double is really out of control and I am being punished for it... and then there are ALWAY these bees attacking me... I always wake up shaking my head and stuff... and my sister is very mean in the dreams and I just want to stay in the ed place, even though I am not doing all the rules in regards to the ed treatment... I mean I had all these dead bees all over me and my sister wouldnt let me shower them off and I went walking down the hall and she said 'oh shes going to tell the staff...' so i talked with the staff because my sister was there to take me home and I said send the other me home with her... she thinks im bad all the time and i can stand it... when my sister found that out she started screaming and saying I would never be allowed to talk to the family again, not write letters to my father , NOTHING... When renee wasnt looking I went and tried talking to Kayla... she was mad at me... I tried telling her things were not right anymore, i needed to stay here
then walking outside in the dark with a staff (no idea where we were going) but then my dad started yelling and calling after me... I just sit down and cry... buried my head in my sweater... then when I looked up it was daylight out again and the double me went by this porch and told the bees where I was... for some reason I thought I could fly away from them... but I couldnt there were too many this time, i usually got away from the bees... but i couldnt last night...

I am scared to dream that dream what if i like died from the bees or something...

all that was part of last nights dream... and they like continue everynight... somewhere in the treatment center, like 3 hours away from home... but in an alternate universe? so strange

I dont know
what the heck am i trying to work out...