hi... weight today 118.0

had meeting with psychiatrist today... ummm yeah... she says I need to be IP or in a partial program. She gave me a pamphlet for Buffalo Centre (buffalocentre.com) it is highly unlikely that I will go there, I do not drive, and when we tried to get transportation to a place like that before Medicaid (my insurance) doesnt provide transportation in the evening... The program gets out at 6:30pm so yeah I would be stuck in Buffalo... they do not have a place for people to stay either... So yeah not gonna happen

IP well not likely to do much either... the ip program in NY you stay maybe 2 weeks max... but then I would come home to what? the same I left... how would that help? Yeah I dont know

Okay she also put me on a new medication... it is an antipsychotic... lets hope I dont have a reaction to this one... (I have been on 4 others and had reactions to all). This med is supposed to help with obsessive thoughts and thinking... Its called Latuda if anyone wonders...

My friend (Pat) took me to my appointment... She is the one whos son passed away from his ed. She wanted to eat after we were done... I agreed, I didnt purge... I ate kinda normally...

I went to her house... taught her a few things on her computer, cleaned her cats litter box and washed it... She bought me a couple food things for doing that...

I got home about 7 pm finally... ate a bit... not like a lot but because I didnt purge earlier I was so full and my stomach was painfully stretched... I hate when I am that full because I fear my stomach will rupture before my body lets me purge (it takes a few minutes to get my body going more often now)

My pre-purge weight was 129, and get this my after purge weight was 119.6 I DID NOT expect that because I kept in some food today... I expected it to be higher... I plan on taking lax because I am not sure how much I kept in. I know when I purged a little bit ago I got up a bunch of what I ate for lunch (6 hours ago).

So my anxiety is a little high... I have to talk to my case worker tomorrow... NOT looking forward to that. She wont like the fact that my psychiatrist wants me in treatment either. She believes that once you have been in treatment you should be able to do what you have learned, and going back is redundant you already know what they are telling you) That is true to some degree but the structure and support are things that people cant get on their own... the knowledge is often in the background because people with eating disorders are usually highly intelligent and understand the logical aspect of what they 'should' do but the emotional aspect is too much to be able to put it in action.

So yeah I will write tomorrow about how that goes...

That is it for tonight... i am tired and it is only a little after 9 pm
Night