im really frustrated with myself or everything right now... I have been wearing these 3 pairs of jeans, they are getting big, they have been about 10-15 pounda ago, but they might just be biggish because im so fat i stretched them out... they are 14s... I have smaller pants in my closet but I am scared to try them on... I talked with my friend about it and because I have not really seen a big difference in my size I was going to wait till I was in the 150s to finally try on my smaller jeans (10s and 8s) but im still too fat and im just about in the 150s... so I told my friend i was gonna wait till I was in the 140s but she told me not too... it would be too much... So maybe 155? but im still fat...
im gonna put on a pair of 10s and rip them up the middle or something... Im scared
and its really frustrating that i can even allow myself a little to eat and keep in. I mean i dont really need it but I hate when I go and eat 2 dill pickles (10 calories) and I freak out... a banana and applesauce, or you know the binge foods... but those are definitley not to be kept in...
i just realized my frustration last night... i got up at the 2 dill pickles and 3 spoons of applesauce... and went and laid back down... after about 5 minutes i was like i cant do this... i weighed myself.. i was up, so i got cereal and ate 4 bowls of cereal with lots of milk... and purged... i bpd 3 times yesterday... just because i try to eat a little and keep it in and freak... i eat more and purge... I am so stupid