hey... uggg another difficult night... it feels like every muscle fiber in my leg is contracting at just a little bit different time... HURTS... i just want to cry...
I had to walk to therapy this morning and man now, uggg, i laid down for a little while after getting home but I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO.... I am going crazy

my weight 152.4 (would have been lower but it was an early morning)

Measurements:
Hip: 38
L R Hip: 33 (33.5)
Waist: 26.75 (27)
Breast: 32
Neck: 12
R Thigh: 20
L Thigh: 19.25 (19.5)
R U Arm: 9.5
L U Arm: 9.75
R Wrist: 5.5
L Wrist: 5.5
R Calf: 13
L Calf: 12.75 (13)

That is down 1.25 inches... this week I lost 4.6 pounds but last monday was a high weight with the bad purge

so... i went to therapy today... yeah i decided it was best just to tell Brenda what was going on before my Dr told her... it would not be long before she started asking questions if I keep loosing weight...

so I told her i didnt want to tell her... i was telling her because i HAD to... I didnt feel like it was a problem right now.  I told her that I realized that this all about started when Mark started pulling shit and not seeing me, not talking... I didnt realize how hurt I was from it until recently...

so Brenda is trying to make me change my thinking (she wouldnt be a good therapist if she didnt) but i am very frustrated with this because I dont want to change right now... I WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT... she said i am at a healthy weight.... i dont need to lose anymore... i said but i look disgusting, she said in your eyes its the disorder... I said but if i have to wear these 14 for the rest of time I HAVE TO LOSE WEIGHT, my 10s dont fit right (not the jeans havnt tried them yet) She said you cant be a 10, I said I want to be a 6 or i dont know
I said I dont have a goal weight... I am focused on bones right now... She said you need to change that... you were accepting of your weight being in the 150s before you can do it again, I said BUT I DONT WANT TO RIGHT NOW...

I told her evidence that eating 1000-1200 calories a day will make me gain because back in sept-oct i was doing that and i was still gaining weight.

Purging and not eating is what works for me

I told her I stopped the Risperdal...
She said NOW you can eat healthy and not gain weight...

She told me I needed to eat around 1000-1200 cals a day and no binge and purge for the next week... I was thinking as she was telling me I CANT, i dont want to...

tuesday i get money... chinese= binge purge...

I cant just eat anyway I WILL GAIN.
I cant exercise right now either...

I feel like a big disappointment to her... She has been telling me for a few months how well I am doing and how happy she is about that... IM a BIG FAT SCREW UP

That is when I cried- when I talked about how i let her down and she is one of the only people who tell me I am doing well, and I ruined it, i made her a liar