New years eve... new year is coming

Hi ladies, its about 9:40 pm new years eve... im sitting here on the computer, listening to my niece, sister, (her boyfriend) and 2 people my sister invited. just siting in front of the tv. I dont know what to do with myself, i feel like dispondent or something. I just want to disappear? Ugggg

I tried making dinner for everyone tonight and I screwed it all up. I CANT even make a stupid DINNER!!!
Chicken, rice, cheese and broccoli. Ugggg how was I to mess that up. I am worthless

I feel like shit, i am disgusted with myself, i am a cow and i cant even lose weight. I SUCK
I am done for tonight, I am going to just go veg for the night
I love you girls,
~Kristi
=^..^=

cough, cough, cough...yep im hacking up a lung

Hi my friends,
I am writing this in bed at my sisters (well where I have been sleeping) I have been sick the past 2 days. I went to bed early on christmas day because I felt so bad. My nephew had the 24 hour flu twice or he just had a day of being better and it wasnt really gone.

Both the kids are coughing, my sister is just feeling better after her nasty cold is leaving, but I believe I have it.
My oldest niece last night and today got the flu my nephew had, I hope I dont get it because I already feel crappy. But on the other hand if I get it I am bound to lose weight. Ehhh. I just want to go home and get back to my regimen and controlled way of life.

I just wanted to say hi, love you guys
HUGZ
~Kristi
=^..^=

}:I

Uggg I feel like crap today, I dont know why... I am totally obsessed with insane thoughts of how fat I have become. I NEED to lose some serious weight. I think I need to stop coming over to my sisters so much. I eat too much here.
I was getting dressed the other day and my pants were really tight, I was freaking out, I had yet to do laundry so I didnt have any others to wear. I dont understand the amount of weight I have gained.

I am not as hungry and I am not purging as much. I think I eat 1-2 meals a day. The caloric content always under 2000 (a normal person needs 3500 extra to gain) so seriously me eating 1500 should not have caused this drastic change.

I need to get back to the lower 130's .

Christmas is close, tomorrow is christmas eve. I wish it would be past already.

I came to my sisters to be around people, I have been alone almost all day. my nephew was around for a few hours but he was busy doing things. I cleaned some, swept, mopped, dishes (even though I HATE), uggg I just want to sleep. Go home and sleep and lose weight.

Night my loves,
~Kristi
=^..^=

Baby its cold outside....

Baby its cold outside... Yeah seriously its really cold. it is 9 degrees out right now and it is 6:35 pm, jeez I dont know how low the temperature will get.
Thankfully I got my HEAP (heating assistance payment) so my electric company got extra money so I dont have to pay as much. When I turn my heat up to like 65 my bill at least doubles.

So I turned up the heat today, from 58 to 65... I am still cold but not as nearly cold as when I went out to get the mail.

I have had a glass of hot chocolate and bowl of soup today to help me stay warm. I have 2 pairs of socks on though and my feet are still cold.

I am going back over to my sisters again tomorrow, take Tiger over, spend the next weekish over there, coming home monday during the day for therapy and tuesday for my case workers.

We put up the christmas tree yesterday at my sisters. I am worried their puppy will try to eat the ornaments or chew on the lights/tree or all of it. I put a lot of the handmade kids ornaments and special baby ornaments up on the top portion of the tree.

I wonder how Tiger will do with it. ohh yeah he will be fine I forgot he was at my sisters last year when I was away in treatment at Centre Syracuse. So he will be fine, I dont have a tree at my apartment, well I do but its a little ceramic light up tree.

Alright I guess this is it for tonight, I really want to go curl up in bed under my electric blanket and cuddle with Tiger. Its now 7 degrees out so time to get warm.
HUGZ
~Kristi
=^..^=

holiday blues

Hey Shannon and Laila,
I dont really know what to say, but I thought I should say hi. I have been spending a bunch of time at my sisters.
As the days are going by christmas is getting closer, the more I want to disappear. I know it should be a fun holiday, but I dread it. I wish it were just another day. I personally dont have a problem with people celebrating the holiday I am not like scrooge or whatever but it is just so depressing inside of me... I dont know.

I want to hide in bed for the next 3 weeks. Like the feeling inside me is almost wanting to cry but no tears or anything. I just want this sadness to be gone.

Last night I laid in bed trying to sleep, thought how I could make myself physically sick like severly dehydrated or something to need to be in the hospital, to be away.
I didnt fall asleep till almost 5am the insomnia is driving me crazy too.

I want to feel different, I want my feelings to go away, I wish I could go away, for awhile at least.

I do love you guys, I am sorry if I am bringing any of your thoughts down, I dont mean to. I just dont know where to get all there feelings out.
HUGZ
~Kristi
=^..^=

circling -round and round

Hi,
Not much to say right now... I am so sick of waking up wet with sweat. I know I keep writing about it but it is very bothersome.
I was 144.8 when I got up.
I ate a can of pineapple and some banana bread (healthier kind I made).

I am hungry right now but I dont wanna eat anything.

I have eaten 5 cans of pineapple in the past 2 days, I love pineapple so very much but the acid is just burning my stomach. I have no more though so my stomach should heal back to its normal eating disordered self.

I have therapy tomorrow, then I am going to get my bloodwork done... I get my money tuesday, I will pay my rent and bills, then go get a few things at the store. Then I am going back over to my sisters to spend a couple days over there.

I wish I didnt have to spend the night everytime I wanna see the kids. but they live too far away for me to walk over or even ride my bike.

hmmm i am bored, i dont know what to do with myself. nothing is fun to do, nothing i really wanna do, i dont even feel like doing much on the computer, its too much work, as is cutting apart the fabric for my quilt, or even just trying to read. Ugggg

I guess this is it for tonight.
HUGZ
~Kristi
=^..^=

Tired

Hey friends,
I am totally disgusted with myself... I am close to 150 lbs. I dont know how this is happening. I am not eat a lot. I was keeping in a little more than I used to but seriously this cannot continue.

Today with my pajamas on I was 146.8 even though last night I was 149. I have no energy though so exercising is almost non-existent.

I am supposed to get lab work done soon, I hope that will explain the excessive sweating and tiredness. I woke up 3 times last night drenched in sweat. I am not even warm, let alone hot. I definately think the waking up drenched so often inhabits my sleep too.

Ohh and I asked my sister if I could get my exercise bike from her basement, she said she didnt think she had it anymore. She thought they either threw it away or gave it away. She didnt know. When I go over tuesday I am going to search the basement to check since my sister was not entirely sure of anything.

I am so tired... uggg alright I will write later,
Luv ya,
HUGZ
~Kristi
=^..^=

See you in a few days

I am going away for a couple of days, I hope you both have a nice holiday. Dont stress over the food too much, I am going to try not to but yeah I know that is unlikely.

I just wanted to let you guys know I will be gone and I love you guys.
HUGZ
~Kristi
=^..^=

Hey my Loves, I am sorry i havnt been around, I have been back and forth from my sisters. I have been spending time with the kids. Out late last wednesday with them, then friday-saturday i spend the night. Came home spent the night, then went back to my sisters sunday-monday. I painted my nieces room today. Ended up doing 2 coats of paint in about 4 1/2 hours. I specifically did it today because the kids still had school and I didnt have any appointments. I think it looks good. Its like a pastel pale pink. She has the Disney Princess's bedspread so it matches nicely.

Umm I am utterly disgusted with my body but I am trying to stay rather distracted with the kids. But I still think too much. I was 145ish yesterday after eating some cereal.

I find I do better with not purging when I am with people, like I did well when I visited Shannon, and I havnt purged at my sisters. I did purge on the night I stayed home. I have been home for about 2 hours now but I havnt purge but i havnt eaten either. I dont think I will tonight its almost 11 pm anyway.

I have 4 appointments tomorrow... therapy at 10, kristina at 11, darcy at 11:40, psychiatrist at 12:15. I also have to get bloodwork done, I may go after my psychiatrist appointment depending on how long I am there.

Alright I guess this is it for tonight, I have to try to sleep, I have such a hard time waking myself for therapy when I dont fall alseep at a reasonable time.
I love you ladies,
HUGZ
~Kristi
=^..^=

ugg, therapy and ick weight

Hey my ladies,
I had therapy today, I dont really know what I talked about... I felt like my therapist was almost putting me down because things are not working out like I planned.

Yes I think I agree with her saying I may 'catastrophize' things, meaning when something doesnt go right I try to replan everything, when everything may not need to be replanned.

I am dreading my doctors appointment tomorrow... ugggg of course when I havnt gone in over a month I gain 10 pounds. I am so disgusted with myself.

I dont really have much else to say. I am just frustrated with myself.
I love you girls,
HUGZ
~Kristi
=^..^=

decisions

Hey my loves,
Sorry I havnt posted in a few days Laila, I was out of town.

I went and looked at the apartment. It was nothing like he was saying. I cant live there, its not safe.

Ive been making phone calls today trying to figure things out so i have a place to stay next month.

I am just so nervous and freaking out inside. I wish things were done.

Whenever something doesnt go as planned I freak out... I am questioning so much right now... the only thing that I have not questioned is do I want to live with Shannon. That much I know for sure.

Everything else... I feel is up in the air. I feel like I cant make a decision... but what about? I am not sure...

I am a fricken fat cow again, I gained yet again. 142 UGGGG I took a few laxies but not a lot of results...

I ate and purged once... I wish I could just NOT eat till I am back into the low 130's

I have a doctors appointment wednesday, they will weigh me, even if I object they will, They are going to see how fat I really am. Its bad that I know my weight, and I am disgusted by it but knowing my doctor and my therapist know it, uggg its horrible.

I HATE my body!

Love you ladies,
HUGZ
~Kristi
=^..^=

Can't sleep

I feel like I am going crazy, Why can't I sleep? I have not had any caffiene. I am tired too. Yesterday (well sunday night to monday morning I didnt fall asleep till almost 7 am) It is 4:30 now.

The sweating, headaches, and this not being able to sleep is literally driving me CRAZY. UGGGG!!
I tried tylenol PM but no help.

If I dont sleep at all tonight or the rest of the morning maybe I will be able to sleep later (tuesday night). I am cleaning for my friend tonight too...
Thats it for now...
HUGZ
~Kristi
=^..^=

Blah

Hmm well, I realize I have been neglecting my blog again. I dont think it was entirely on purpose.
I have not been sick, but I have not been feeling the best.

So, so tired. I hate this darkness... I am so tired but have trouble sleeping... Last night I was dead tired but didnt fall alseep till almost 7am. This is driving me NUTS!

On top of that I think the mess up in my sleep has been giving me headaches. Ohh my gosh do they hurt... I have been inhaling Tylenol to make it through (not inhaling literally). Even more disgusting... I have been sweating like crazy, my body is in overdrive. I dont know what is causing it but it is seriously GROSS. Night sweats- im drenched, day time- the area under my arms disgusting... deoderant is no help, I am using so much... What the heck is going on? Im not hot either! Most of the time I am cold, freezing. Im trying not to cover up a lot even though I want to. But that might make the sweating worse. UGGG. I need to actually wash my blankets, I dont usually wash them much but I think they smell? I change my bed sheets often but havnt done the blankets. Uggg. I hate having to change my pajamas in the middle of the night, and eing able to put my hand in my hair and have it come out wet with sweat. ICK. My body seriously HATES me!

I feel like a disgrace and part of my avoidance of posting is I have gained a little... I know it doesnt matter to you guys, and if it meant I was healthier you would probably think it were good. (I would if my brain let me).

I am so scared about my weight, I know its up so as a kind of mind trick I weigh myself with my pajamas on... even though I know it doesnt fool me I say to myself that ohh i weigh more because of the pajamas... but logically I know pajamas wont make me 136-138 (and once 141, I almost fell over with that one).

I think my eating is different but then again I dont really know for sure... I think I am trying to not purge everything, I feel like I am not purging as much (maybe 1 time a day, maybe?) I dont know I feel very disconnected.

I was really stressing out about Tiger on thursday, my therapist said I was projecting because I dont feel stressed out about moving. I dontknow. I know I am  moving and I just want Tiger to be as comfortable as possible. I know it is going to be stressful for him.

Checking out the new carrier (Voluntarily!!!) Such a pretty boy ehh?

I dont know where they came from but I found 2 fleas on Tiger. he doesnt go outside. I have been combing him to check for more. I hope he doesnt get them again, I dont have the money right now for treatment. and then when I move I will have to make an appointment at a new vet and that will cost more because it will be his first time there. Uggg. Why fleas NOW?

Alright I guess that is it for now... HUGZ my loves
~Kristi
=^..^=

Tiger

Hello my lovely Ladies!!

Umm not doing much... I called and got the medicine for Tiger (something to help him when we move). Valium! Wow! I am nervous about giving him something though... Iknow I have to but I am scared it might hurt him. But its not like I am just giving it to him... I am getting it from the vet.

I dont really know what else... I got the ingredients to make the pumpkin bread. I was going to make it tonight but i dont want to now.

Ummm well thats it for now
HUGZ
~Kristi
=^..^=

cycle needs to stop

Hey my loves,
umm not a lot to say about eating... I ate and purged twice today... but I ate and didnt purge once. and I have yet to take my meds and I dont have any popcorn to take them with so I have to figure something small to eat... great!

I am really tired, I cleaned a bunch today, I was able to vacuum without scaring Tiger to death... I shut him in the bathroom... I swept and moped, cleaned the table, put clothes and blankets in vacuum bags... I am shaky from purging.

I wanna eat to stop the shakiness, but if I eat I will have to purge again... uggg... ohh this cycle NEEDS to STOP!!!

I had a dream last night that this lady I used to work with (a psychiatric nurse practitioner PNP) but she wasnt a PNP in my dream but she came to my house and was talking to me and told me I needed treatment again. She wanted to send me somewhere... I remember telling her that I could only go to either New York Presbyterian or Centre Syracuse... she didnt like either of them. It was very confusing... When she was leaving my apartment she saw all my food wrappers and containers on the counter in the kitchen. (I dont have a huge counter and sometimes I just leave all my containers and stuff overnight). She looked at the containers and wrappers and looked at me and said, "I dont understand, how can you look the way you do and eat all that?"

OH my god! I am a PIG!!!!


I called about another apartment today... I am going to talk to my case worker and give my 30 day notice tomorrow for my apartment.

Alright this is it for tonight... Laila I am so glad to see you back, Love you
Love you too Shannon
HUGZ
~Kristi
=^..^=

ugggg

I am so frustrated, its after 1 and still no money... ugggg

I am so sad and HUNGRY, I was sure I would get my check today... The social security website said it would be put in my bank account today (10-30-09)... and usually it does it early, I have never been up at midnight to check but I always thought thats when it would come. :( :( :(

I guess I am going to try to sleep... I am not tired, I am hungry.
Night
~Kristi
=^..^=

No money yet :(

Uggg Uggg Uggg I am really frustrated... Its like 5 after midnight and my money isnt in my account yet ARRRGGGGG

countdown to midnight...

Hey girls, im waiting around for it to be midnight... I am hungry and I believe my money goes into my bank account at midnight.
I dont really know what I am going to buy... I just keep thinking FOOD, FOOD, FOOD.
I know it will be something I dont have to cook, hmmm something good though. I dont know.

Hey so how do you like Tabitha? (Tab) I can't believe how adorable she is... I love playing the mouse with her... Feel free to play, feed or give her water... if you click on her head area or below her chin, she purrs. I know CUTE huh??

UGGGG I am SOO hungry!!! I ate and purged once today, my weight is still up im 134.6 this morning better than the 136. I still cannot figure out how this happened. I havnt been eating and keeping anything new.

Whatever I buy tonight I will likely purge.
HUGZ
~Kristi
=^..^=

I am seriously CRAZY

OMG ok so I just purged... I know it doesnt help me logically...
I was scared for a few minutes... but not enough to stop. I purged some blood, not a lot but enough for me to notice. This is SO NOT GOOD!!!
But everything must be ok, I dont feel any pain or anything abnormal.

It was a kinda hard purge, and I only got up a little more than 3 lbs... I ate 4.5 lbs.... I made pumpkin biscuits and soup... I didnt drink enough with the biscuits. They werent rough or anything just very pasty coming up.

The pasta from the soup was semi-problematic too... ugggg
Im done tonight
~Kristi
=^..^=

OMG how did this happen?

Hey my beautiful girls!!
I almost never got up and on the computer today I was so disgusted and frustrated with myself somehow from yesterday to todat I gained not 1 or 2 lbs but almost 4!!! What the heck??!! The only thing I kept in yesterday was my FiberOne/peanut butter/brown sugar splenda concoction and popcorn!! UGGG I almost fell off the scale this morning.

I went back to bed and cried and fell asleep and stayed in bed until 5:30 tonight and then the only reason I got up is because I wanted to check on you guys and my foopet...

I am really stupid... I am so frustrated with the weight gain and I just ate, I have to purge. I cant believe myself... uggg

I dont know what the heck happened. I cant believe this it better disappear just as fast as it appeared.
HUGZ my Ladies
~Kristi
=^..^=

Lack of food :(

Hey my loves,
ehh my day has been long, I am having a hard time remembering everything lol

I took a few pictures of my fridge and cupboards... it just shows my frustration... I know I have said this before but it so FRUSTRATES ME... I dont mind when I dont allow myself to eat but when I have no money and not much food it DRIVES ME CRAZY!!

^ Salad dressings, ketchup, mustard, light miracle whip, and jam on door, 2 containers of my favorite Yogurt butter, 1 old ensure (nasty flavor), water, and wine

<-1 pack of chicken, 2 packs of vegetables, 1 frozen pizza (not mine), and ice

<- 9+ boxes of tea, 1 container of coffee, 1 container of cappuccino mix, a box of caffiene shots, and  Truvia (no-calorie sugar)

<- 1 old can of gravy, Fiber One cereal, 2 cans of tomato soup & 1 campbells select soup (not the greatest), box of light popcorn, peanut butter, 1 can tuna, 3 cans of veggies






Uggg okay so typing it all out it seems like a little more than I thought it was... but its not much of what i want to eat.
Ugggg
Alright that is it for now... I have to take care of the pumpkin I am cooking down to make pumpkin bread with next week. (I have to mash it and freeze it).
HUGZ
~Kristi
=^..^=

Medication and I am a horrible person

Okay so I am freaking just a  little... Im not going to take it... no and thats final

my psychiatrist gave me a script for a new medication... I thought it would be for depression since it still hasnt gone away... he doesnt tell me much anyway so I just picked up the med from the pharmacy and I looked at the pamphlet that comes with it... IT DOESNT treat depression it is a fricken ANTIHISTAMINE!!!! One of the uses for the drug is for treatment of Anorexia!!! It will make me hungrier and gain weight (it says it right on the pamphlet!)

I cant do this... I CANNOT let myself be hungrier... It will lead to more purging. I am already hungry so much. I CANT, NO I wont.... I will tell him at the next appointment that I am not going to take it. I am sorry, I know he is trying to help but that wont help... it will make things worse.

Okay so please dont think I am this ugly horrible person... I know I am. But I was so hungry and I dont have any money I stole a granola bar from the pharmacy when I picked up my meds. I know please dont look at me like I am this horrible person. I know it was wrong but I just kinda did it without thinking. I was just hunngry. I dont know... I know I shouldnt have and I ate it before I even got home. I should have just returned it when I really realized what I did. (I was outside getting ready to open it). BUT no me being the selfish person I am I just ate it.

Ugggg
What am I going to do for the rest of the week? I wont have any money till friday. I have popcorn, 2 cans of tuna, wine, and 2 bags of frozen veggies (1 broccoli and 1 green beans), a little Fiber One cereal, peanut butter (no bread or anything of that sort). Yesterday I had green beans, 1 can tuna, and popcorn. Ohh I also took 1 serving of Fiber One and mixed in 1 tbsp of peanut butter and a sprinkle of splenda brown sugar. I was so hungry by then I was just looking for something to eat. It wasnt bad.
My weight was up this morning though... 133.0 UGGGG

I am disgusting! I really HATE this eating disorder and the thoughts that come with it. Maybe if I lose more weight my doctor will send me to NYP... I can be allowed to get better then? I hope I would allow myself... I dont know. My therapist wont really send me now so I dont know. I dont think I am sick enough anyway. Even though I am less than 10 lbs away from where I was last time I was there. I was heavier when I got out of there than I am now.

I dont know, I just dont know what to do. I didnt purge the granola bar, thats good.
Ugggg
Alright if either of you (Shannon or Laila) have any ideas on what I should do, I am all ears.
HUGZ
~Kristi
=^..^=

Emotional? Just a tad...

Hey Girls... is my blog acting up? comments wise?

I hope everything is going alright... I have been a little bit of a mess... just like blah...

I am out of money and food... I hate this...

I have like a major headache too. I did not sleep very well last night too. I slept for 2 hours then was up till 5 and then didnt sleep well... I was awake every hour... I had to be up and out of the house at 9 so not much sleep.
At least not as much as my body normally needs.

Umm my weight? For not very much sleep and getting up early I was 132.6 and with me not having much food and not really having anything to purge I might gain but then again I might lose... who knows?

I just want to sleep .... and sleep ohh and sleep some more.

I cried too much today... I had a crappy psychiatrist appointment but when I talked to my therapist later she said I should have tried to explain myself better to my psychiatrist. Maybe things would change if I told him more... I try talking to him but he just dismisses me. When he changes my meds and I ask him what it does, what are the side effects he tells me to look it up on the internet.

AND my therapist wonders why I find it so hard to talk to him.

On top of that my case manager picked me up from my psychiatrist appointment and earlier this week she said we could go for lunch because she was going to be hungry after her meeting. I planned on eating with her... and without me having much food in the house I was like okay so I will have at least one meal today... cool... BUT then she didn't ask me about eating and she had to stop at the store and said I could stay in the car and relax so I did... She came out with food and finished eating without saying ANYTHING to me... was she trying to be nice to my eating disorder and think I didnt want to eat? Ugggg I didnt have any money anyway so I couldnt get anything... if she was to get something for me she could have used case management money to pay for it.... ehhgg ohh well

it just really annoyed me... I was hungry... I dont like being hungry and not having my control over it.

Uggg I have to stop and get off the computer now... my head is really killing me. Uggggg
HUGZ ladies, luv ya
~Kristi
=^..^=

tired and confused

Ehhhggg Sorry ladies, you dont have to read this... its just complaining

I feel so tired of everything... my therapist said that i have to really want to get better to change something. I thought I wanted to get better but who knows... Maybe my therapist knows me better.
I still act on my thoughts so obviously I am just crazy. I know that it is hurting me in the long run. I am just trying to get by right now though.

I am just not sure if i am gonna be okay... I dont want to be sick... I hate this...
What about moving? I want to move so bad... like now... is it crazy? No I dont think so... I dont know what to do anymore though... There is like nothing out there.... I want things to be right... perfect
are things ever going to be perfect though?

is life ever just the way you want it?

what if things dont happen? Am I getting my hopes up to move? I want to so bad but is it like a sign or something that we can not find a place? does that mean we shouldnt? I hate this... I want to so BAD... maybe I want it more than its logical? does that make sense (no not really to me either)

Nothing is making sense right this second... I need to sleep...
If you did happen to read this... just dismiss it... ignore all my confusing ramblings

Pointless post

Yes girls I am back already... I dont really know what Im writing about though...
I am just like blah, I ate and purged once today... When am I going to be able to stop? Why cant I just not do it? I mean seriously people eat without the need to purge... what the heck?

I am so tired. not just physically but emotionally too.
Alright im sorry ladies I dont know what to write, i dont know how to put into words the feelings i am feeling... This is pointless... sorry
HUGZ
~Kristi
=^..^=

Ick Ick Ick

Hmmm, sorry ladies I havnt posted in a couple days... I dont know... yesterday I was busy but otherwise just been trying to find an apartment. I want to move soon, I am having the darndest time finding a place. UGGG

I woke up last night literally DRENCHED in sweat... I had this huge wet spot on the bed from the head to about the knee area on the bed was wet with sweat... IT WAS SO DISGUSTING!!! UGGGG
I had to change my pajamas and my sheets. I am so frustrated Why does this keep happening?

I was not hot... the only time I can actually relate this to is when I was IP for the ed and was being refed and my metabolism was speading up. I dont think that is happening now but seriously this is NUTS.

I am so tired... uggg I didnt fall asleep till at least 3:45 (the last time I looked at the clock)... and then when I woke up at 7 I had to change everything... Then I went back to sleep for a little while... ugggg then got up and showered and had an appointment with my case manager...

I am hungry now.... but I am disgusting... I was 134.2 today...
EHHHH STOP!
I need to STOP! I am not disgusting. I need to be okay.

Okay so that is it for the moment... HUGZ
~Kristi
=^..^=

Pierce!!

Hey ladies,

Here is a quick post... I went and saw Pierce today... Here are some pictures:

Baby Pierce Spencer Roth

Time to Eat!!!Pierce and Daddy (Keith)

Pierce and Mommy (Mandy)

Pierce and Aunt Kristi

I am unsure about the accuracy of my weight today so I am not posting it. I did not sleep all too much last night.

I asked my father if he would pick me up when I go down to visit Shannon in the beginning of November. He thinks he can. I am excited about going down and staying with her. It will be like when I move only at her dads place lol.

I am so tired, I am going to try to sleep earlier. I ate and purged once. I managed to not have to eat when I was at my parents. They believed me when I said I ate already... lol kinda funny... but if it was true and they didnt believe me I would be pissed... ehhh ohh well.
Night my loves
~Kristi
=^..^=

Frustrated and floored

Hey girls,
I was just writing in a comment for Laila and well now I am thinking... uggg I hate my thoughts...
Why is it that people who find a way to hurt other people can get off easy? Okay yeah that is very vague...

When I was a young child I was sexually abused by my mothers friend... she sent me to live with him when I was 6. I still have memories and flashbacks about certain things that happened. I remember when I had finally gotten the nerve to tell my biological mom about what had happened (I had already been brought back home and told my step-father(mothers boyfriend))... My mothers boyfriend didnt believe me but took advantage of the fact that I was too scared to say anything to my mom. He started abusing me also.

My mother said she believed me but when the truth came out about her boyfriend (my stepfather) she had the charges dropped against the first guy.

Then she punished me.

I found out for sure years later that my mothers boyfriend (stepfather) was never punished AND then my biological mother married him! It turned out the marriage wasnt legal because he was already married.

Then yet again, when I was raped... I filed charges, but the bastard was not endited. How can this be? I was beginning to believe it was truly me. I mean not once, twice but now three times someone has hurt me 'that' way and they were not punished! That to me is saying well it must be you, I must be doing something. I must deserve it (deserved).
Hey guess what the guy who broke into my apartment and beat me up got a worse charge for damaging someones property than for breaking into my apartment and beating the crap out of me. HELLO!!!! I mean come on! Seriously! It must totally be me.

I cannot understand this.
UGGGGGGGGGGGG
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I ate a peanut butter and jam sandwich last night and didnt purge...  I would have sworn that it would have caused me to gain. But CRAP this morning I was 133.8! I was like FLOORED! I didnt believe it.
I have no idea how tomorrow will be... I ate once and purged. But I also kept down another peanut butter and jam sandwich. (light bread, peter pan peanut butter, and smuckers strawberry seedless jam)( a total of about 300 cals).

Ugggg, okay I guess that is it for tonight... it after 11 and im cold and tired.
luv ya ladies
~Kristi
=^..^=

blah

Hey my dears... I am not sure what to write... I am rather blah.
I ate and purged twice... ICK... I want to eat more because I am hungry but I dont have much food or money... I hate this part of my life.

I gained .4 this morning... UGGGG I was so pissed!

I left a message for my case worker yesterday because my therapist told me to talk to her about treatment stuff (NYP). She did call me back at 2 pm but I was not in the apartment (I did 3 loads of laundry today)... So I called her back and left a message. On the message she left me she said she was going to be at work for several more hours and she would be in the office. Well its way past the workday now so I dont know what happened... I guess I will talk to her next week.

Is it worth even trying to go to NYP? I want to be better to move in with Shannon. But I really am not sick enough to need IP... I dont really think Centre Syracuse is the right answer for me.

I sent an application to the 'freed' organization to see if they could help me finachially with a different treatment place... I was hoping something like Sol Stone http://www.solstonecenter.com/

I dont know though... if I want to get better like I think I do why cant I just do it? I still act on my thoughts... or not even thoughts... I just act.

I am just so tired of everything.
HUGZ
~Kristi
=^..^=

Thinking about treatment and the WEATHER!!!!!

Hey my Ladies!! Yeah I think both of you are now co-authors... I wasnt sure how to fix the comment thing so I did that... then fixed the comment thing... I can have you removed if you want let me know. I dont mind having you as co-authors, you wont really write your own stuff here too much but it gives you the option??? If you want it.

Just let me know if you want to be removed from that aspect. Not a problem (unless I cant figure out how to do that lol).

Hmmm well not too much new, I got the application for the apartment, I filled it out, gonna mail it to Shannon tomorrow, then she can mail it to the property owners. (dont worry sending a stamped envelope so you dont have to).

I had therapy today... it went better than tuesday. Last week when I went a little crazy and emailed Centre Syracuse I didnt hear anything back from them till tuesday evening... I thought they wouldnt be able to help so I just was not pressuring it too much. Well I have an evaluation with them on the phone tomorrow. I am almost certain I am not going to go there though. I talked to my therapist about going to New York Presbytarian. She didnt object but didnt see what could really be gained because I have done the program before.

I dont know I feel like I am grabbing at straws... but none of them fit. Is it worth it? Can they help me this time? I wanna stop purging, I am tired of being sick, I dont want to weigh more but I do want to have a life not consumed by my ed.

Does that mean I should try again? Shouldnt I be able to do it myself if I want it? If I cant do it then I obviously dont want to get better bad enough? I dont know. I know I may always have certain feelings about how I look or feel about myself. I may just have to learn to accept them.

My therapist told me to talk to my case manager to see if NY Presbytarian is even an option. If I fit the criteria to even go. I think I do but who knows.

I was 134.0 this morning... not bad but not good... I seriously thought it was going to be like 137 or higher... I can NEVER tell anymore.
I want to get better, especially for when I move... I want to have fun, not be sick.

Its 37 degrees out right now... uggg and its only 4:30 pm its gonna be so COLD tonight... Like a few hours from here they could get a lot of snow tonight... along the NY/PA border area may get 6-9 inches!!! Ohh my I dont like this one bit!!!

 ICK!!! Thankfully I am up in the white area... Shannon I believe is almost inbetween Elmira & Binghamton Which Elmira has a Winter Weather Advisory, and Binghamton has a Winter Storm Watch... Ohh dear is it cold. YUK YUK YUK!!!

Hmmm I wish I lived somewhere in these red areas:
80-90 degrees, SUN hmmm nice!!!
 
Okay so I have rambled on long enough... sorry for the weather obsession today lol.
HUGZ (& hot chocolate)
~Kristi
=^..^=

Why? why? why?

Im eating... Why? Just to purge.
I have been craving ice cream a lot... who knows why... its just one of those things

I am SO cold!!! Its not even 40 degrees! ICK!!!

COLD COLD COLD COLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I gotta go purge... ickkkk
~Kristi
=^..^=

FIXED IT!!!!!

I fixed it!!! Woohoo!!! YAY!!! I don't really know what messed up but I think when I changed my template it was a problem...

All is well now.

I just met with my case worker... told her that I wanted to move. She took it well I think... I am not real sure. She is wierd.

I called about an apartment today. It sounds like it might work. I hope so. I wrote like 6 emails to different apartments all either dont take section 8 or allow cats.

Talk about frustrating. uggg

I have therapy again tomorrow... I dont want to go.
I have group tomorrow again I dont want to go. I am the only one who is going beside the person who runs the group.

I guess thats all for now... ohh yeah I pissed at my body... last night I was 135.4 so I figured I would be less than 135 well for some stupid reason I was 135.0 UGGGG

HUGZ
~Kristi
=^..^=

reply to shannon

Hey girl, i tried to reply to your comment you made to me but i cant so i am replying here... I am extremely glad that we are going to be living together. It means a lot that you are such a great friend. I love you girl!
~Kristi
=^..^=
Laila I love you too!!!

Its hopeless

Does it say a lot about me if my therapist said 'no eating disorder treatment center can help you'? For instance: Im screwed, im hopeless, its worthless to even try, i cant do it anyway. MAN does this help me feel more POSITIVE. But I guess thats what therapy is for.

Okay yes I have in the past misheard my therapist but I am quoting her now. Maybe I am over reacting? Or I am just too crazy to be helped.

Shannon if you are reading this please rethink my moving in with you. I am being selfish for wanting to when I know I wont get better. When my therapist knows I am not able to get better. You will be stuck with me. At least till you get sick of me.

I am sorry, I am just so frustrated.
~Kristi
=^..^=

down little by little (i hope)

Hello my friends...
I didnt keep much in yesterday and today I was 135.2 not good but not as bad as over 137. My BMI is back below 19. I know that doesnt say much because I am so much more fat than muscular.

Today? umm ate and purged twice, kept down salad, and now 2 mugs of hot chocolate. I will have 1 bag of lite popcorn.

This week is not too eventful...
tuesday~ Meet with Kristina (Depaul worker) and then Therapy after that
wednesday~ meet with Darcy (ICM)
thursday ~ therapy
friday~ nothing that I am aware of

My goal this week is to get my weight back down to at least 131. I must lose 4~5 lbs.

Well I guess that is it for tonight
HUGZ
~Kristi
=^..^=

Ohh no, this will NOT work

Hmm well I guess I should do a post i havnt done one in a few days (sorry).

After spending some fun days with Shannon, I have decided to move again. (Now I just have not to back out due to anxiety and fear).
I am moving to Ithaca (NY). I am scared but I think I will be scared of any change.

I thought that after my appointment with my therapist the other day I might be able to try to get better but I dont know right now... I dont want to be sick but I dont want to be fat... I havnt purged as much as I normally would and have gained a bit of weight... last thursday (10-8-09) I was 131 well today (10-11-09) I was 137.2 I DONT THINK SO!!! This CANNOT continue.

I WILL LOSE this gain... it cannot stay!
Thats it for now
~Kristi
=^..^=

Little steps

Hey Ladies,
I just had my therapy appointment... spent the whole time crying. I am just so fed up. I NEED to get better... I need to stop this eating disorder. It would be so much easier if I could just like fast forward myself through a period of time to where I am ed symptom free for a little while so it is easier to continue.

I WILL NOT PURGE TODAY.

That is my goal.
I need to try, I dont know if I can do this but if I dont try again I wont be able to do it at all.

Little steps... no purging today, dont weigh myself today.

Is that too much? Unrealistic? I dont know.

Maybe this isnt just psychocats journey... its my new recovery process? Well see
HUGZ
~Kristi
=^..^=

Contemplations

Okay so its 12:17 and even though I tried to go to bed early I am still up.

I have been thinking, maybe I ought to try treatment again. I think I may be able to get better if I have help in the beginning (like I wanted back in June before everything went to hell).

I dont know though... the only place I can really go to is Centre Syracuse and though the place was good it isnt realistic for long term life skills... for example you eat TV dinners for all meals at the program. No fresh foods... all frozen. I dont know.

I will talk to my therapist about it... I went to the CS website... filled out a form but I have my reservations about if it would be good.

I am aware that I WILL have to gain weight. I DONT LIKE IT but if I truly want to get better, I may have to learn how to deal with it.

I know I cannot go on the way I am. I am tired of it.
I am just so tired of it.
I wanna give up.
but then again I dont, I dont wanna die, but I do want out of my life... if that makes sense.

How do I do this? how do I get better? how do I live with being fat? CAN I live with being fat?
I just dont know
~Kristi

Better??? Nope Sick

Hi Ladies,
Just a short update... Doctors appointment went okay... I wish somehow my doctor could just make me better (or at least make it easier and quicker to get better). I wish all I had to do was snap my fingers and BAM! I would be fine.

Umm I dont feel the greatest right now... I ate and purged but I didnt drink enough while eating and couldnt purge everything. Uggg. I am SO gonna gain like 5 lbs OR MORE. uurrggg Yeah and I was 131 today... NOT ANYMORE

I am thinking about just going to bed early. No snack, just take meds early (with whats left in my stomach).
Alright I'll see you tomorrow Shannon :)
I Love you Laila!!
HUGZ
~Kristi
=^..^=

New Pics and compulsions

Hey Girls (Laila & Shannon)
I added some new pictures... I tried to look presenting but ehh I guess I can only try.

So like every night I think to myself 'ohh I really want to go to ____ in the morning for such and such to eat' I crave it every night. I am somewhat sure if I were to go eat in the morning it wouldnt consume my thoughts at night. But I ALWAYS change my mind in the morning. I dont want to purge when I just wake up.

Its probably for the best anyway, and I can only get the breakfast food I want until 10:30 am anyway.

Its 1 now and I wanna eat... so of course if I do I will HAVE to purge. I have a doctors appointment and I CANNOT weigh more... I HAVE this compulsion that I cant eat or drink if I know I am going to be weighed.

Alright well I just wanted to say hi real quick, I will write if anything I need to after the dr. appointment.
HUGZ
~Kristi
=^..^=

Round and Round I go, Where do I stop? I dont know

Ehhgg... I am soo crappy... Just finished eating and purging... now im eating a salad so i dont get so shaky and eat more bad stuff and then have to purge again.

Uggg I feel like my days are just repeats... everyday the same thing over and over... I dont change things though. Eat, purge, eat, purge, sleep, therapy, eat, purge, ohh and a whole bunch of weighings.

On the plus side I was 131.4 today and I didnt even sleep that much last night... hmmm so if I slept like I wanted I might of been lower.

I forgot that I have a doctors appointment tomorrow... Wednesday is not free, I see my case manager at 11:30 and then have to be at the doctors at 3:45. i have lost like 2-3 lbs since my last appointment... I am not worried... shes not going to do anything, I am fine, Yeah I dont like purging and I get scared about the ed but ehh Im fine.

I was thinking of taking some more pictures of myself... I dont know... sometimes I see something I like but then it just fades into Fat... Ugg so I wish I could just see what I want.

hmm well I dont really have much else to say right now... HUGZ
~Kristi
=^..^=

FOOD ~~WEIGHT

Hmm Yeah Laila it is all about food, food and more food. Definately a waste of time.
FOOD= Frantically Obsessing Over (the) Diabolical
WEIGHT= Wasting 'Eliminating Insight' Gaining Hating Thoughts

Uggg okay so umm not a whole lot to write... I already ate and purged (a meal from McDonalds Yep EWWW)
I got a Mocha coffee too (drank that earlier) I think the coffee was really strong or something... it (or something unknown) has had a laxative type effect (yeah I know EWW again sorry).
I guess I dont mind terribly, its better than taking laxies.

mmm I am bored... I wanna go walk again... my stomach is gurgling... I think it is trying to tell me I am hungry again... UGGG I wish I NEVER felt hunger again. Never craved food again...
Uggg

Alright I am going to go for now... I may write more later
HUGZ
~Kristi
=^..^=

Rambling... blah, blah, blah

Hi guys,
so I am just really blah, in the middle of the night last night I ate... and didnt purge. I was really out of it. My weight paid for it today.
I ate and purged twice today- cereal, then a sweet & sour chicken tv dinner.

I am hungry again, its been 2 hours since I last purged. I dont really have anything I really want to eat... I dont know what I want to eat either. All for the best though. If I knew what I was hungry for I would be more apt to go to the store (even though its dark out).

I know its not smart to walk alone in the dark, even if it is to just go a little ways (the store is less than a block away).

Hmm just writing this is making me think I should go to the store... ehhh I dont really want anything do I? No I would have to purge again. No its not worth it. Pointless.

Alright I really didnt have much to write about anyway... I have therapy tomorrow... my case worker on tuesday morning, my ICM is then taking me to my cardiology appointment tuesday afternoon, wenesday I am free, thursday therapy again... Shannon my friend comes up to visit. Friday- hang out with Shannon.

Ehh okay not as busy as it initially was sounding in my head.
HUGZ
~Kristi
=^..^=

Choices

Hmm, sorry I havnt posted lately. I have been out of sorts I guess.
I got my money yesterday, I bought 6 donuts and ate and purged them... (also bought cereal and milk). I went to my therapy appointment after the b/p with the donuts. I felt sick even with purging there was just SO MUCH sugar.
I ended up b/ping 2 more times... a sub, and a box of cereal.

Today well I have been hungry but I really didnt know what for, so I went to the store in the rain. I bought several different things... I already b/p'd once... Why does everything I buy look better than it tastes? I start eating something and it just makes me nautious? My body knowing I am going to get rid of it anyway? So it makes me nautious? I have no idea.

Yesterday my AM weight was 133.0, today it was 132.2 What the Heck! Why am I still above 130? Its got to be the b/ping. If I didnt b/p (or even just eat and purge) I would so be much heavier because I would eat, at least something.

I am scared, even though I do want to lose weight, I am scared that if I keep trying something bad is going to happen to me. My friend that was my same height passed away when he was 110 lbs. I know people are different and I know I have more fat on me than he did. But with all the crap that has been happening with my heart and since the overdose I just have been more scared.

The overdose really make me realize that I dont want to die. I was so close to dying, I dont want to feel that way. Then when I started having palpatations I became very concerned. I had decided I didnt want to die and then what? my decisions and actions may be jepordizing my health?

I go back to the cardiologist on tuesday, when I was there before there was the notation in the chart for 'mild RVH' I looked it up 2 days after my last appointment and I found that the symptoms that I was experiencing were 'textbook' for that problem. I am hoping that if this 'RVH' thing is the problem that it is not overly serious. Easily dealt with. AND hopefully not caused by myself (ed or overdoses).

Alright I guess thats it... I am just not sure what to do right now... I am worried about my health and I still act on my eating disorder behaviors (purging). I want to say I am crazy but I think its worse than that. I just dont know how to put it into the right words.
~Kristi
=^..^=

Short post

Ehh im just like blahh now, I dont even want to do much for a post... I am watching the Biggest Loser and I just keep thinking how disgustingly fat I am. And then the stupid food commercials are driving me CRAZY. I want to eat so bad but I dont have hardly any food. UUUGGGG Alright I am going to go lay down and watch tv in my room... I hope I am less than 132.4 tomorrow. I am keeping my fingers crossed.
Night
~Kristi
=^..^=

Hungry

Arrrggg, I hate it... why do I have to be hungry? I HATE feeling hungry, and FULL. I have like no real food in the house too... not much to even eat and purge. ARRRRRGGGGG I wish I had money to at least go buy food...

ICK!

Yeah ICK describes how I feel, I dont understand my weight... I was 133.8 last night and I didnt eat anything more than what I posted but I am only 132.4... ICK!! I am SO GROSS!!

On top of that there is this gross smell from the apartment complex because they are putting new carpet in the walkways and whatever they use to put it down really SMELLS EWW! I hope it airs out quick. I am too scared to go out and get the mail because I dont want to open the door to the smell. Even more so with them laying down the carpet they have been scaring Tiger, he has been hiding under the bed and when he does come out his hair is spiked up on his back.
I dont like him being so scared.

My dad is coming over shortly, he wants me to help him fill out a job application (he has a hard time reading, he only got like up to an 8th grade level and with the economy he got laid off and now he is trying to get his GED so he may actually be considered for a job he applys for. He is 67 too, I am proud at how hard he is working).

Okay so I will write more later,
HUGZ
~Kristi
=^..^=

9-28-09 Stats

Hmm well I thought I would make a post everyday stating the stats that I keep track of daily.
AM weight: 132.6
Nutritional Caloric Intake Should be around 1900-2400 cals
Ate (and kept down):
1/2 cup Fiber One Cereal (60 cals)
1/2 cup skim milk (45 cals)
1 small banana (90 cals)
I will eat 1 bag of light popcorn (240 cals)
Total: 435 cals
I ate & purged hot chocolate, some cookies, and a soda
I walked a little more than 3 miles.
I guess I will post my nighttime weights the next day...
guess thats all for now
HUGZ
~Kristi
=^..^=

My 1st Post

Hmm okay so I am giving this a try... Lets see how I do.
A little about me:
I am 27... and well umm I dont know... this blog is going to be a journey, whether it be my trials and triumph with my eating disorder, my problems with being 'crazy' (dealing with multiple psychiatric issues), Family issues, and pretty much anything I want to write about lol.

Okay so that is it for the moment but I will be adding more all the time.
~Kristi
=^..^=