hey...
bought a test... will do it in the morning... i dont know why i wasted my money it will be negative... but i am only 99% sure of that...
gotta do a few things tomorrow... therapy, library... have to get a paper notorized... post office... bank... store... pay my rent . then i can go home and take a nap
hmmm will write tomorrow

hmm hey just another day here...

found out last night that my niece jess was so messed up when missa had the baby that she went off her birth control and NOW she is PREGNANT... I am not sure if she even knows who the father is... she says some druggie that beat her not that she has said anything about that before.
She is so irresponsible...
I hope she can find a place to live, and support herself and a child now...
Oh and she crashed her car- she was fine... but now she has no way to get to work...
I dont trust her to watch her nick and kayla... and they are older... when she does watch them she just sleeps... they have to make their own food and take care of themselves...

I dont know I should be more understanding... but there is one thing to get pregnant on accident but to intentionally do it because your sister has all the attention from the new baby now, jess believes she was supposed to have a kid first she is mad at missa for having Aiden
I dont know i think she needs to grow up and fast, her life is not going to be just her own anymore, she is responsible for another life now

in a kind of weird coincidence my case worker asked me if i was pregnant... i was dumbfounded... but i have not been feeling well and have been nauseous for almost 2 weeks... mark and i havnt been together in almost 2 months and he is super cautious... and im on birth control... but yeah since my case worker brought it up ive thought about it... if mark and i were not so careful i think it would explain my symptoms... but we are careful... super careful

ahhggg women... babies... life

I am so tired of not feeling good...
Still nauseous... hopefully that will go away soon...
did not weigh myself today... i did eat and purge a little... havnt purged in a couple weeks but i didnt eat a ton so i didnt purge everything...

ready for bed again... blah

Hey... feeling a little bit better today...
actually went out and got the mail today...

the pressure in my head is getting better... i still shake sometimes and have headaches and my ears hurt

if im sick i just want to get better... if its from the medication I want my body to get used to it NOW

I havnt really eaten much... some cereal, yogurt... and some bad cookies...
Been nauseous ... not fun

I have a dr appointment friday... my yearly girly appointment but am gonna talk about how im feeling
luv yous<3

hey...
im at my sisters... kayla has a cheerleading competition tomorrow...
im really tired right now but just started this...
got to see Nick, Kay and the baby today... and you know miss, renee and rick... blah he was annoying... wants people to feel sorry for him...
blah my head hurts... tired...

hey... went worked for my friend today... got home about 45 minutes ago... getting ready for bed soon...
ate at my friends... had scallops... weird... but not bad... fishy but sweet... weird

i am thinking those feelings with my head and eyes are not from that medication... I met with my case worker today and she had all the same symptoms i think the medication made them worse with the drowsy drugged feeling...
so I think it might be the weather? I dont know... its not all better yet so i dont know... its a little better

hmmm tigers fine... resting next to me on the couch... if i move to get up or anything he will be at his bowl waiting for dinner...

dont got to do anything tomorrow really just make one phone call... and i can sleep... i just need to wake up call the dr office at 9-10 then i can go back to bed.... YAY! lol Im so tired right now anyway, maybe I will be asleep before midnight tonight... one can hope

alright my loves... i bore you with pictures tonight... but i kinda like posting something random but meaningful... so I might start doing that more... <3 love yous!

Ahh hi...
still feeling off... went to the library today... good for me... thought about not going...
went over to my sisters for a few hours and was a baby hog... had dinner too...

weight was disgusting this morning... but at least it wasnt up any

i know these are blurry but here is a couple pictures <3

why cant my body match my face? my face doesnt look horribly fat its definitely fatter but not horribly so... uggg

hey... talked to my psych dr today... she said to stop the topamax for 3 days see if the side effects improve.
I made turkey chili today... yum...
didnt weigh myself today will tomorrow...
i get to go see the baby tomorrow as long as plans dont change.

watching the biggest loser right now... missed it last week...

im hungry but i dont really know what for... cookies... ahh but i have none.. good for me.. i go to the library tomorrow also... have to call my mom too

i might make some popcorn... wont really satisfy the sweet craving but oh well... tigers hungry again... lol... when is he not lol... i tell you i should wake him up as much as he wakes me... that would be funny....

me and my boy :)

and here is me looking disheveled in my pajamas

today was Pierces' birthday party... it was nice... he was very good... did very well, got through almost all his presents before getting tired and cake was fun

i ate too much... purged there... not good... they have a weird toilet too... wouldnt flush everything... it was gross
but i figured it out

blah im so tired... i hate get togethers... there were 30 plus people at the party... uggg alright im going to bed. <3

hmm hey guys...
doing alright... got a birthday party tomorrow... Pierce is 1... wow already...

Started the Topamax, i have taken it 2 times now and I dont know if I am having a reaction or am just feeling very off... my head is like a lot of pressure (like sinus but all over) and my eyes are super heavy, my ears, the muscles in my neck and head... all are feeling off... the first day I took the topamax I barely was up for more than a couple hours
its like a fog, i cant think clearly and its heavy? does that make any sense... well i figured i would give it till tuesday and if the symptoms are still here to call my psych and she what says

hmmm well i dont know... im tired... <3

agg today has been a day... yesterday I had to stay at my parents... we had a small get together for my sister mandys birthday... but they didnt want to take me home so I had to spend the night ... I hate sleeping over places... unless it is really something I want to do.

so i didnt sleep well... i got home at 8:30 this morning went to bed was going to get up at 11 and go to work at the library... well by 10:30 i got up was feeling like crap... ate some cereal... turned off my alarm and went back to bed. I didnt call and tell the lady at the library I was not coming... I will call tomorrow and tell her I didnt have the number and was at a family emergency. I cant just say oh i didnt feel like coming in...

I dont know I slept till 5:30 feel like crap still.... want to eat but and kinda nauseous...

I went to the store to pick up my meds and low and behold one of my meds was not there (well 2 but one they said i never dropped the paper off) uggg so I have to call my doctor in the morning they take copies of the scripts they write so I need to see if I actually got one.

ugg so im just having one of those days...
luv yas <3

Hey Laila, of course you can ask me anything... the med that is making me gain is called Risperdone, but I take a bunch of other meds too.
here is a list... in the morning I take 6 pills, 1 calcium, 1 Luvox (for ocd and depression), 2 Lexapro (depression), 1 Multivitamin, and 1 acid reducer.
at night I take either 8 or 9 pills... 1 calcium, 1 luvox, 1 lamictal (mood stabalizer), 1 acid reducer, 2 hydroxyzine (anti anxiety and also a sedative), 1 verapamil (migraines), loestrin (birth control), and sometimes Lunesta to help sleep... OH and the problem medication at night Risperdone. so thats 9 or 10 at night

Just went to the psychiatrist today, she added another medication, topomax it is supposed to counteract the risperdones weight gain effect. but im only on a small dose... I am not sure how long to give it till it starts working, i cant start it till tomorrow. thankfully my psych is working well with me... i see her in 3 weeks... i hope to gosh i dont gain anymore weight
today i was 194
BLAH
<3 write more later

hmm hey girls...
struggling some today... ate and purged 2 times... How can I go weeks and then bam... there it is again...

My weight is so utterly disgusting I want to puke it all away... but that doesnt happen...
I have been eating about 1200 calories a day, doing pretty good not purging... but my weight is still going up... I am technically OVERWEIGHT now. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow if she wont do anything i am stopping the medication that is causing the weight gain.
There is NO reason, NO logical reason for the weight gain, I am active, I eat healthy, I am 'regular' in the bathroom without lax, I do not binge ever without purging and purging has dropped significantly

I dont know... how do I lose this weight? I have 3 pairs of pant I can wear... only 3 and none of them are jeans... I have 10-12 other pairs of pants in my closet... cant wear a single pair... Too Damn Fat

Bought a pair of jeans at the store the other day and didnt try them on... should have... got home and they didnt fit... and they were bigger than all my other jeans... I just want to get back to my size 8 jeans and thats not even small... heck a size 4 would be heaven right now... climbing into fricken plus size clothes messes with my head, i cant buy them... i will stay home never leave till i lose weight and not have to put myself in the place to ever buy or wear plus size jeans again... So I have to return the jeans I got the other day and if I cant find another style in normal sizes I will not get any. I DO NOT need to buy something that will not last... I will NOT stay fat... I CANT

Im done... <3