Alright weight today 118.2 still fluctuating around there...

Wow! I just found out I won a book giveaway! This is cool! The book is Brave Girl Eating by Harriet Brown

hmm ohh yeah I dont know if that new medication is going to work... my stomach hurt last night and I had this weird feeling in my arms/ legs/buttocks like they had to keep moving... it was like when you get this feeling in your arm and you just try to shake it away but it is still there. and then your arm muscles are just itching to move every second. OMG it is totally INSANE I was not able to fall asleep until almost 5 am.

I was thinking of trying it one more time... if it makes me like that again I will stop and call my dr... but i dont want to take it tonight because if I cant sleep tonight im going to go crazy... i plan on getting up early and going out for a binge breakfast... i get my money tomorrow... so maybe I should try the medication again tomorrow night... I dont know

I had 2 bps again today... I am hungry now but have nothing to really eat... have to wait till morning...

I need to make a list of what I am actually gonna buy tomorrow otherwise I will go crazy and buy too much crap...
I was thinking of ordering take out tomorrow night... but i guess it depends on if my niece and nephew come over... but I asked my sister yesterday and never heard anything so I am not gonna push it if I dont hear anything.

I guess that is it for tonight...

ahhhg  well another day gone...
weight today 118.8 (I think from eating and keeping food yesterday)
Lax kicked in later... didnt do extra lax like I should have for keeping food though

well I met with my case manager... it was pretty close to what I expected... she said that I have been to programs and I should know what to do and I should do it.
It is not that easy I told her but she doesnt really 'get' that.
She did give me a hug (she initiated it) when she left, I am paranoid that she was trying to feel my back and shoulder bones... I dont know, I might just be paranoid....

I got my new medication from the pharmacy... the pamphlet says weight gain in the side effects... im not happy about that... my psychiatrist said it wouldnt cause weight gain. I will try the medication but if I gain (other than my usual fluctuations) I will stop it.

hmmm bp'd 2 times... cant WAIT till friday... I GET MONEY... FOOD

alright that was pretty much all for tonight...

hi... weight today 118.0

had meeting with psychiatrist today... ummm yeah... she says I need to be IP or in a partial program. She gave me a pamphlet for Buffalo Centre (buffalocentre.com) it is highly unlikely that I will go there, I do not drive, and when we tried to get transportation to a place like that before Medicaid (my insurance) doesnt provide transportation in the evening... The program gets out at 6:30pm so yeah I would be stuck in Buffalo... they do not have a place for people to stay either... So yeah not gonna happen

IP well not likely to do much either... the ip program in NY you stay maybe 2 weeks max... but then I would come home to what? the same I left... how would that help? Yeah I dont know

Okay she also put me on a new medication... it is an antipsychotic... lets hope I dont have a reaction to this one... (I have been on 4 others and had reactions to all). This med is supposed to help with obsessive thoughts and thinking... Its called Latuda if anyone wonders...

My friend (Pat) took me to my appointment... She is the one whos son passed away from his ed. She wanted to eat after we were done... I agreed, I didnt purge... I ate kinda normally...

I went to her house... taught her a few things on her computer, cleaned her cats litter box and washed it... She bought me a couple food things for doing that...

I got home about 7 pm finally... ate a bit... not like a lot but because I didnt purge earlier I was so full and my stomach was painfully stretched... I hate when I am that full because I fear my stomach will rupture before my body lets me purge (it takes a few minutes to get my body going more often now)

My pre-purge weight was 129, and get this my after purge weight was 119.6 I DID NOT expect that because I kept in some food today... I expected it to be higher... I plan on taking lax because I am not sure how much I kept in. I know when I purged a little bit ago I got up a bunch of what I ate for lunch (6 hours ago).

So my anxiety is a little high... I have to talk to my case worker tomorrow... NOT looking forward to that. She wont like the fact that my psychiatrist wants me in treatment either. She believes that once you have been in treatment you should be able to do what you have learned, and going back is redundant you already know what they are telling you) That is true to some degree but the structure and support are things that people cant get on their own... the knowledge is often in the background because people with eating disorders are usually highly intelligent and understand the logical aspect of what they 'should' do but the emotional aspect is too much to be able to put it in action.

So yeah I will write tomorrow about how that goes...

That is it for tonight... i am tired and it is only a little after 9 pm
Night

hey... alright... weight today 118.8
I was freaking out last night though... I bp'd right before bed and for some reason my after purge weight was 123, I kept trying to purge more but was just getting bile/acid...
I purged so much it over stimulated my kidneys (happens once in awhile) and was had to go to the bathroom 5 times in the next 2 hours... and trying to go to sleep when having to pee so much is VERY difficult.

Today is monday... measurement day...
Hip: 32.5 (33.75)
LR Hip: 29 (30)
Waist: 22 (22.75)
Breast: 29
Neck: 11.25
R Thigh: 16.25
L Thigh: 15.5 (15.75)
RU Arm: 8
LU Arm: 8
R Wrist: 5.25
L Wrist: 5.25
R Calf: 11.75 (12)
L Calf: 11.75 (12)

That is a difference of 2.75 inches, since last monday my weight is down 1.4 lbs

So tomorrow I have the appointment with my psychiatrist... not really sure how that will go... Today was frustrating with my therapist... She keeps saying she thinks I am going to die.

I feel healthy though... People can be healthy and not weigh a ton.

She said she was looking online at a treatment place and she was going to call them to find more information...

My insurance sucks so Im not that worried. But you know it would be nice to be able to eat normally. That is the big issue for me... but I CANT gain weight. Im healthy anyway I dont really need treatment.




My therapist asked what I can do to change things right now... really there is not much, I lose total control when I have food, I cant regulate myself to eat less and not purge... at least not here in my apartment alone. AND I am not moving to some group home or treatment apartment... anyway the ones around here I have been in before and neither of them help with eating issues. I AM NOT GIVING UP TIGER NOR MY APARTMENT!




I have a lot of mixed feelings... a ginormous part of me just says nothing needs to change I am FINE... But there is a part of me that acknowledges that I dont want to be eating the way I eat for the rest of my life... But Im not willing to gain weight.

got therapy in the morning… my weight is about 1 pound less than last week, (unless its more in the morning)

I am not really looking forward to going… I just keep thinking ‘what does she have up her sleeve talking to my psychiatrist and dr” What is she gonna try to do?

I realized that anytime I feel ‘bad’ or a bad feeling I just tell myself I am fat. That must be the reason why I am feeling bad.

I am having a hard time putting things to words. I dont know I just feel stupid.

I have hardly any food in the house… its driving me mad… I do NOT do well with restricting or fasting… I bp several times a day.

I dont know how I am going to make it till friday to get food.

Hey... ugg weight 119.6 up blahhh but I can feel crap in me, i need to poo took 1 lax last night still waiting for it to work...

So I got woke up today by a phone call from my psychiatrist office... uggg My therapist sent her a letter (along with sending one to my dr) and well my psychiatrist wants to see me this coming week... Great

I was not supposed to see her till the 12th... I dont think she can do anything besides like talk... I dont know... im not as sick as I was the last time I was this weight. I was suicidal at that time and I didnt care if my ed killed me. I do care now, I guess not enough to stop though right now. But I dont know, this is a different psychiatrist than I was seeing back then.

I dont know, i am supposed to see her tuesday, if i can find a ride... i may not be able to though... but she will call people if I dont try.

Alright im just ending a bp and have to go purge... write more later

hey... weight was the same today... sucks because I was so active yesterday... phooey

I got up and went and got food early (left about 9:45) so my weight was an early weight...
I ate and purged... came home re-weighed myself was the same as this morning... went and laid down (after putting the few things i got from the store away)
woke up about 3 hours later... went to the bathroom weighed myself again.. gained 2 lbs while sleeping o.O what the heck?

I forgot to get cheese when I was at the store so im itching to go get it and see if I have enough for a pack of cookies maybe... I want some...

uggg I hope my weight is lower tomorrow...

I have to try on some of my bathing suits... im gonna need 1 to wear on the 3rd of july... my family is having a big party/picnic... I plan on watching the fireworks from my sisters hot tub... yeah im a person who wants to use a hot tub when it is 80-85 degrees lol, but I have like 4-5 bathing suits, i know i am not going to wear the bikini that i have only wore once many years ago... but the rest are tankinis, they cover my fatty stomach, but i need one that covers my fatty thighs... i will wear a cover up when not in the hot tub

hmmm ive been delaying trying the bathing suits on, but i need to know next friday i get paid so god forbid none of the bathing suits fit I might have to get a cheap one from the store... Not wanting to do that though.

Alright... im going to the store... later

alright gonna make this quick... i have to go purge

today has been alright... i got up early and walked down to the food pantry... I walked about 6 miles... man i was exhausted when I got back... then i had my case worker stop by... then i went and worked for my friend... just got home about 45 minutes ago and just ate 3 ramen, 4 hot dogs, a can of beans, and 10 oreos. I also ate dinner with my friend... gonna go purge it all in a few minutes...

my friend and i were talking and she said how she needed to lose 7 pounds this summer, then she asked me if I started maintaining my weight or was I still losing, I said still losing. She asked what I weighed now... i said 118, she said 'wow' is that the lowest you have been? I said yeah pretty much. She said I would not have expected it, i thought you were like 140.

WTF! Do I seriously look 140 to other people too! I know I look disgusting in my eyes but REALLY?

I know my friend did not mean anything negative or whatever but CRAP

alright i need to stop... i hope my weight is down tomorrow... today was a lot of work and walking...
I was 118.6 this morning...
Night

okay sorry i didnt post yesterday
weight today 119.0

i really tired...
i had 1 bp today, i want to eat more but i dont have hardly any food.

i am going to work for my friend tomorrow, i will have $30 then, so I can buy food friday at least a few things.

it is not even 7 pm and im thinking of going to bed

ugggg im hungry... well i dont know maybe not, i know i want to eat but my stomach doesnt feel empty or whatever... i dont know stupid thoughts

Alright so today has been one of those days with a lot of stress... not fun

Weight 120.2
almost at my lw
that kinda scares me

I had my breakfast bp... a bacon, egg and cheese flat bread from subway (footlong) and a bacon, egg and cheese biscuit with hashbrowns and soda from burger king. I ate it all in BK, it was crazy in there though not with a lot of people but they were trying to catch a bird that had gotten into the dining area... The worker got it trapped in the bathroom... they got it out, but then the bathroom was a mess with blood from the bird. I was all worried about not being able to purge in the bathroom because they were still cleaning it when I was done eating... yeah that was my worry, not about the bird, well a little about the bird but my big concern was not being able to purge there.
Thankfully they finished about 2 minutes after I was done eating, I was finishing my drink. Was able to purge. Left there and went to therapy.

Therapy was not very good... 1st of all my heart rate would not slow down... I think from anxiety and bping so early.
My therapist was very focused on my eating and weight today... She asked how much I weighed, i told her 137... later I told the truth... 120... I am not sure the entire reason why I told her but part of it was her concern... she started telling me that she viewed me as more of a daughter than she should, that she had parental feelings for me. She was telling me all the things she would tell her own daughter. I started crying. Feeling very guilty, and with my heart still racing I almost had a panic attack. Was trying to deep breath and gain control of myself. I said I was sorry, then 'i dont' and almost said 'weigh 137' but then I stopped... she said what? I said Im fighting with myself. I have to tell you something but I dont want to. and more crying... then 'i dont weigh 137' she said what are more like in the 120s you look it. I said yeah, actually 120 today.
My heart still racing...
She said that she was going to have to contact my medical doctor and my psychiatrist and my case worker... i told her she didnt have to but she said ethicly she had to but then agreed to not contact my case worker. But she would my drs
She asked if I need ip, i said no... I also said I dont really know if I can stop. That does scare me. I am close to my low weight and my goal weight is 10 pounds away. I am still too fat and 10 pounds is not that much. How is it going to be enough to make me not fat? How much lower can I get without putting my heath in danger?
I dont know

My visit with my friends went alright... we went to tim hortons... Melissa bought me a muffin and drink... and Pat came as well. We talked for a couple hours... Melissa left at 1:30ish and Pat stayed for a bit longer and we talked... talked a bunch... she expressed concern about my weight and I talked a little about my struggling... but not in detail... But it was good to talk to her. All three of us are planning to go to the drive-in next month... hopefully to see Mr. Poppers Penguins.

I am a little less stressed right now but still anxious.

Today was measurement day as well
Hip: 32.75 (33)
LR Hip: 30
Waist: 22.75 (23)
Breast: 29
Neck: 11.25 (11.5)
R Thigh: 16.25 (17)
L Thigh: 15.75 (16.25)
RU Arm: 8
LU Arm: 8
R Wrist: 5.25
L Wrist: 5.25
R Calf: 12
L Calf: 12

Difference this week: 2 inches lost, weight difference since last monday 3.4 pounds
a couple pictures...

hey... weight today 120.8

today was alright... im tired, my legs have been hurting... they were hurting so much last night/this morning that I was having dreams where they were hurting as well. It hurt to stand... still does...

tomorrow i have therapy... I have $10 and I think I am going to get breakfast and purge before therapy...
afterwards a friend of mine text me today wanting to get together... it will be nice but im nervous... she is recovered from an ed and I havnt seen her since I started losing weight err well it might have been december...
I met my friend at a ed recovery group, she is inviting another friend, she set up the group. Her son passed away from his ed. I am worried my weightloss might worry them. I am fine though

I will let you guys know how it goes...

night time for me...

alright quick post... i should have gotten to this before and now i dont have time to post much

weight today 121.4 with lax though

im having a hard time picking an outfit to wear tomorrow... i am going to my poppys (grandpas) birthday party... nothing i have is fitting right... I have this nice dress i got a New York and Co. a couple years ago and the stupid thing doesnt fit right in the chest area... it doesnt line up with my chest (breasts) and i know the dress is a little big but the fact that it is not fitting right makes me feel like i am just Too Fat
I spent about an hour trying clothes on... i really need to go make my poppys card... its after 11pm too uggg stupid me

ive got a headache too

I just ate some peaches (no sugar added canned peaches, less than 125 calories for a whole 15 oz can) I was getting really shaky... i purged dinner about 2 hours ago...

i ate an ice cream today and didnt purge it till hours later... i was with my niece and couldnt... im Fat!
ugg okay i really gotta go make this card...
umm i will try to post tomorrow but i dont know if i will be able to, got the party and might have to stay at my parents till sunday for fathers day...

Alright so I went to my sisters... it was alright for the most part...

Im gonna try to write about it, i am very tired though, only got 1 hour of sleep in over 30 hours...


I ate a few times and couldnt purge right away... i know ive likely gained... i did not weigh in this morning because I didnt sleep.


I had a 'baby' ice cream, then dinner: 2 hamburgers, a pack of steamfresh asparagus, and a bunch of home frozen corn (cooked), I got the kids to shower and finally go to bed, then my sister got up and left for work and then I was 'able' to purge. But I had to eat more first... lol of course...


I ended up making a 6 pack of italian sausage, a 8 pack of hot dogs, a bob evans microwave breakfast bowl... then i purged and then ate 8 stuffed shells I had cooking in the oven... then purged again... Slept for about 30 minutes and at 3 am I ate 4 generic ham and cheese hot pockets, a can of baked beans. Purged...



Alright and for the 'problem' I am going to copy the bit I posted in purple butterfly/mf/facebook group:
I know eating disorders are confusing at times but I usually deal with it alright. Right now seriously I CANNOT make sense of something. I bought my 7 year old (8 in sept) niece a pair of jeans, she is bigger for her age so I got her a size 14 regular. I tried them on the other day and was just flabbergasted that I could put them on and DO them up. I looked disgusting in them and all my fat was coming out the top but I could get them on. Well I gave them to my niece last night and had her try them on... she could not do them up. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THIS, she is clearly smaller than I am. I thought when I tried them on it meant they were made big, they looked big, I dont know now... I am just so confused. I dont know what to think. I wanted to write on mf but cant get on here, but I knew you guys might understand or try to. I HATE feeling so confused. I like things to make sense and have order, well this is just so abstract in my head, i cant follow it. Sorry for the long post


So I am very confused and frustrated with all this... I dont think that it is logical for a 28 year old to be able to wear a smaller size than a 7 year old, and especially if a height of 5'11" is accurate. I although dont really know if that statement really pertains to me, I am 28, I am 5'11" but there MUST be something different with me, I can put on a pair of jeans that do not fit my 7 year old niece BUT I am STILL FAT. SO this statement CANT pertain to me,



I dont know... I DO NOT like not being able to understand this... I really want to talk to my therapist about it but that will NOT happen... I cannot bring this up... god she will freak if she finds out I can wear something Kayla cant... god I cant deal with her freaking out.



Uggg im so tired... i want to eat too... lol story of my life...



Im gonna go lay down... love you guys

hey... weight 122.2 or maybe 122.4 scale was flipping but it was 122.2 4 times and 122.4 twice

so not much going on today, i actually want to go lay down but im thinking of eating again...

alright so my measurements from yesterday
Hip: 33 (33.25)
LR Hip: 30
Waist: 23
Breast: 29
Neck: 11.5
R Thigh: 17
L Thigh: 16.25 (16.5)
RU Arm: 8 (8.25)
LU Arm: 8 (8.5)
R Wrist: 5.25
L Wrist: 5.25
R Calf: 12
L Calf: 12

Difference: 1.25 inches, Weight difference last monday to yesterday: 6/6: 122.6, 6/13 123.6 So up 1 pound.

pictures from yesterday:

So I bought my niece (Kayla) a pair of jeans when I was down visiting my mom. They were only $1, They are a size 14 regulars (kids). Well the other night I was unpacking my suitcase and I took them out and just held them up and looked at them. I was like these look big, so I tried them on. I could get them on! Like holy cow, it took me a couple minutes to do the button though. And they looked nasty on me because all my fat was coming out the top, like a massive muffin top.
here is a picture:

So yeah gross but holy cow, those are supposed to fit my niece. They were too short on me and they will have to be hemmed up a good foot to fit Kayla too but seriously? the waist and legs around how on heck will that fit Kayla? she is bigger for her age but hmmm i dont know. uggg im confused.

Alright i guess that is it for now, im hungry err well I want to eat not really sure if I am hungry...

okay short post i dont really feel good right now

weight today 123.6 got like .8-1 pound to go till im back to my pre-visit weight

ive bp'd 2 times today and ick, im getting really nauseous at the end of the binges... i dont like this.

I also think i am allergic to an ingredient in several varieties of vanilla sandwich cookies, when I eat them it feels like lots of tiny pins poking me in the mouth. But yeah I still eat them, I should try to remember that before I buy them. It really hurts sometimes.

i will post my measurements tomorrow... i did them but i need to go purge and lay down my stomach is icky

weight is down some... got 3 pounds till im back to my pre-going away weight.
125.8

i bp'd once already today, pancakes... they were pretty good
plan on having another bp later... not really sure on what though

here are a couple pictures... me and my mom, my mom and my niece (Angel), my mom and my nephew (JJ, Jason Jr). My moms cat Bella, and my moms dog Hope.

Alright the post I promised...
Damage weight wise- BAD
today I was 129.2

Last night after binging my weight was 139.8 SO CLOSE TO 140! FREAK OUT!!!
After purging 129.6

I just bp'd today- pre purge 134.0, post purge 127.6 (down from this morning, lax are working too)
Yeah I took lax last night 2 doses, I was not able to purge throughly while away.

Okay about my trip:
Tuesday I left at 8:30am on the bus... got down to my moms about 4 pm. I had a layover in buffalo and another in erie. I was going to bp in erie since I was going to be there for more than 2 hours. Only to find out when I got to erie that they didnt have any restaurants or food things in the bus terminal. They had 1 snack vending machine and a soda machine. I got like 4 things from the snack machine, i ate and purged them. It was not satisfying.

The first night down there I ate 1 piece of tilapia fish with 1/2 cup of rice and a special k fruit crisp. It was about 400 cals MAX. I kept it in. Wednesday I was 124.8, I gained with what I ate.

Wednesday I felt like I was going crazy. I wanted to eat so bad. I wanted to binge. and purge, I wanted to lose weight. but I REALLY JUST WANTED TO EAT
Wednesday evening my mom and I went to my nieces birthday party. We got there early and helped set up and stuff... We had food there, bar-b-que chicken, hot dogs and hamburgers, fruit salad, coleslaw, watermelon, chips, cake, ice cream. Yeah I ate... I ate like normal-ish, but then ended up eating a lot, i just kept eating little bits. I purged there. And then continued to eat planning on purging when we got back to my moms. It was a bit later but I still purged at my moms.

my mom makes popcorn almost every night, she does not have a microwave so she makes it on the stove, I was astonished it tasted better than microwave popcorn! I had some popcorn and went to bed. My mom does not put anything besides a little salt on the popcorn. So pretty healthy.

Thursday, weight was 126.something... GROSS my mom and I went out to walmart... Riding the city buses is crazy. AND I am seriously too fat to ride them. the seats are SO HARD, it hurt my butt bones so bad, I feel like I have bruises there. I am so FAT/HEAVY that it hurts to sit on a lot of surfaces. (I know like if I told my sister that she would say i need fat on my butt for it to not hurt, well I NEED to weigh less for it to not hurt so much)
I bought my mom lunch at walmart (they had a mcdonalds inside it)
I bought a few things to eat when I had my 3 and a half hour layover in erie on the way home on friday. Sandwich meat, a pack of flat bread sandwich rolls, a bag of chips.

We made dinner when we got back to my moms, we had a seafood meal, some shrimp, scallops, and fish (she had flounder, i had tilapia), and some mashed sweet potatoes, and strawberries. I purged when I went to take a shower. my weight was 129.6 after purging. We had popcorn again.

I ate breakfast on friday morning... egg whites, 3 bagel thins, and a couple strawberries. My mom and I left for the bus, I got on the greyhound bus to leave at 10 am... I got to erie at 12:30... started eating and ended up purging there. Got on the bus again at 3:20, my butt and back bones were hurting a lot, like the area some people have back dimples, the bones there were hurting. I got to buffalo about 5 pm, ate a hamburger there and 2 things from a snack machine. Got on the bus again and got back to batavia at almost 7pm. my sister picked me up, and i went to her house to wait for my adoptive mom to pick me up to take me home. My adoptive mom took me to Wendys for a dinner, she hadnt eaten in a few hours and I said I hadnt eaten since lunch time in erie and that I just had a sandwich. I finally got home at almost 10pm, I immediately made some rice to eat so I could purge all that I eaten recently (the wendys meal)

I hope I can lose the rest of this weight quickly.  Get back to at least 122 soon... then lower

I feel like a fricken fat blob

I was going to walk down to the strawberry festival that is going on where I live, I havnt been to it in a couple years but I woke up with a headache and decided to just go to the store and get milk... So I can bp on some foods that take milk to make them... I had $12 for the rest of the month, and hopefully I can work for my friend and earn $30 sometime soon... The month is not even half over...

The visit with my mom was really nice, meeting my niece and nephew and sister in law was nice. I was nervous about that but it was okay. I got a few pictures, I have to put them on the computer later... I am thinking about going to lay down, my head is still hurting and I am exhausted still.

So everything is alright besides my weight... im glad things went as well as they did. I keep telling myself that if I didnt purge what I did I would have gained even more so I need to be glad.

ehhh okay I may be back to post later...

Im home!
I will post tomorrow
<3

hey... weight today 122.6
I hope I dont gain when down at my moms.

I dont know how tomorrow is going to go, my friend is gonna be at my place to take me to the bus station at about 7:45ish... bus leaves at 8:30, I ride for 45-50 minutes and then have to wait till almost 10 for the next bus. will be on that bus for about 2 hours. Then I have to get off and wait till almost 2 pm for the next bus, then about 2 hours for the final bus. My mom is meeting me about 4 pm.

Im bringing a book, my dsi and games, and my crocheting... Im bringing my laptop but im not getting it out when I am waiting in any terminals.

I need to try to go to sleep early tonight... but its almost 8 pm now and im not really tired yet...

I need to finish packing...

I did measurements but i dont want to type them all up... the difference from last measurement day is down 2.25 inches and from last monday my weight is down 3 pounds

I will add a body comparison picture... one from may 9th when I was 133, and then todays june 6th at 123 lbs. I do see a bit of difference in the thighs, they still look massive but there is more of a gap.

hey... after almost 2 weeks of my weight staying about 125 I was down this morning
123.6 Yay!

I have therapy tomorrow, who knows what she is going to say about my weight... I will only tell her I lost about a pound no matter what tomorrows weight it (unless it is up, then I will say less)

I told my mom I was nervous about eating down there, she said I didnt need to be. I said that I want to eat 'normal' when im down there but I am not sure I can. She told me to be me, i told her I didnt want to worry or upset her. She said 'things are how they are, i cant change them' (she has gotten into the mindset of leaving things to god since all her medical stuff started happening) So I am glad I told her, I still dont know what I am going to do down there. I am planning on bringing some frozen tilapia, egg whites, and a few servings of white rice (im gonna measure it out before and only take like 3-4 servings, so i cant technically cant over eat)? I dont know...

I need to pack...

My mom told me we will be going to see my brothers kids, my brother left I guess, i dont know much. It is my nieces birthday wednesday. I think she will be 6. I have never met her, or her brother (he is younger). I havnt met their mom either. If things are as they are right now I wont have to see my brother. I definitely dont want to deal with him or his crap. I bought my niece a doll and a little purse with bracelets and necklaces.
I will take pictures.

alright i gotta wrap this up i have to be up early tomorrow... I gotta do measurements in the morning too, didnt do them last week because I was feeling really fat.

well i ordered delivery food, really shouldnt have but oh well too late... already ate and purged it
was bad though... not smart
i ate a sandwich before the food got here
kaiser roll, some ready cooked bacon, cheese and miracle whip
then the take out
1 large pizza
1 doz. mild chicken wings
5 mozzarella sticks
a large sub: ham, turkey, provolone, lettuce and tomato

I was so FULL I had to force the last of the sub down, i wanted to eat it but it was so painful to eat it. But I forced it, i got a 2 liter of soda with the take out but I stopped drinking soda a while ago again and it was hard to drink it while eating... so I only managed about 1/2 of it. but DIDNT drink anything else MISTAKE!!!!

crap i know, i know that is stupid! but i couldnt force any more liquid down if i wanted to. While purging I had to drink like 3 swallows to get the sub softer to get it up. so crappy.,..

I scared myself, i got a little blood, i still cant figure out where it came from. it showed up like 1/3 of the way through purging but by the time I was done there was no more blood. It wasn't very much so it might have been a scratch but i dont think so because the chicken wings were spicy and the spice hurts open wounds (i have a cut on my thumb). ehh oh well
it was a good purge though in the end, a less weight than my last bp, 125.4

but can you believe i just want to eat more... i dont want to bp i just want to eat, i want to enjoy it too, but that doesnt happen anymore, no matter how much i eat, i think it will be different if i eat 'this' but its not... i dont enjoy it I just WANT to eat so bad

Im sorry I dont know how to put that in better words... i dont know if I am making myself clear or even understandable... im confused on how to say it, it seems simple, i bp so i do eat so why do I want to eat so bad, i let myself eat. I cant keep it. That is just not allowed.

hey weight is still fluctuating around 125

had 1 bp today... but the day is not over

i feel like a fat ass... i dont know how i am gonna hold it together eating wise when I go see my mom. I was going to bring a few food items and just eat them, not bp... i dont want to do that around her. but i dont know if i can eat and not purge and I know I dont really have the strength to not eat period. I am taking my scale with me so I can keep an eye on my weight. I am taking my laptop too I dont know if I will have internet access though... I will not have anyone if I cant get online.

my leg muscles are hurting crazy, not like before but like I had some massive workout. my butt muscles too. Laying on my side in bed the muscles just hurt, it wakes me up at night if I roll on my side... I am so confused. I am not working out at all, i have not walked anywhere in a couple days... like when your muscles are so sore just touching them, trying to massage them hurts. its not my calves though just my thighs/back of thighs and butt

I feel like a massive lazy piece of crap...

im hungry

i need to stop eating i feel like a blimp

uggg sorry im such a complainer today...

i am so disgusted with myself right now

i feel like the size of a house or elephant or something equally as huge

I just bp'd again... turkey and cheese sausages, 2 popcans of biscuits, butter, a bowl of potatoes... I just spent 50 minutes purging... i usually only take 20-25 minutes... I had to rinse 4 times and I still feel like there is some stuck in me, but I was purging till I was having a hard time standing, i would get all dizzy when I would go to the sink, i had to stop... im huge... my post purge weight was 127.6, disgusting, it was 125.2 after my last purge.

and you know what I JUST WANT TO GO EAT MORE, like RIGHT now! but I dont have the strength to purge so I CANT. If I ate and took lax I would still gain. I cant do that. I need to just go to sleep, i am so tired anyway.

If I can wait an hour maybe I can get some strength and wont pass out if I eat and purge... I can do this an hour is not that long

dentist appointment was alright... I usually wont eat for hours after a dental cleaning because I like the way my teeth feel so clean. But I was so nervous and anxious because I told them about the ed and was freaked out that they would judge me or something. But I know it was important that they know. My old dentist was a jerk and told me it didnt matter and just blew me off when I mentioned my concerns. This dentist was really nice, he said there was no reason to be nervous and that they are not there to judge me and that everything that is said there was confidential. So being all stressed out I started eating shortly after I left my appointment.

I bought some ACT stuff, its a fluoride mouthwash. The dentist recommended it to help the enamel strengthen, purging causes it to weaken (as well as other things).

hmmm im just thinking about food... ugggg i need to distract my brain. I finished the book I was reading, I have to get another one out... I just want to EAT

maybe I will be able to get more up if I bp again... that has happened before... not very often though... hmmm UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

Laila- I hope the ed unit goes well. It must be scary but think of the good that can happen. If you dont have to deal with mia or any form of ed that would be amazing. Ohh the lax dont work like really good but it gets my body to move a little bit and im not curled up in pain or sitting on the toilet for hours. Hope you are doing alright my love <3

hmmm another one of those days...

im tired... I probably should have tried to not purge today because of going to the dentist tomorrow, but ehh what is done is done... 2 bps... I am tired of it but usually only when Im done... I still want to go eat everything... and I HAVE to purge. I guess it would be better if I were losing weight... but I lose a bit then fluctuated between 3 pounds for a couple weeks... ugggg

my post purge weight just now was 127.0 thats a lot, but yesterday it was horrible, 128.8

and tomorrow will be an early-ish weigh-in...

uggg i guess i dont have much to say im going to bed and read

uggg, okay sorry for not posting yesterday... was running around with my friend and then when I was home i was bping... fun...

I finally got back to 124.8 yesterday morning but guess what? today I am FRICKEN 125.8 UGGGGG SO FAT!!!!!

I am going grocery shopping today... made a list and gonna try to buy smart.

I feel like a huge fat turd...

I took 1 lax last night, i feel so much stuff inside me... that is one thing about losing weight on my stomach I can feel crap in me when it gets to my lower intestines... I cant stand it. I may be taking lax a little more often but I am only taking like 1 pill at a time... do NOT want to get to where Im taking a ton of them

got a dentist appointment tomorrow... havnt gone in like 2 years... this will be fun...

getting excited to go see my mom next week...

alright that is it for right now, i may post again later.