ahh well another day here...
weight down .6 cool I hate that it only drops .4 or whatever a day... but at least it is going down

Had a psychiatrist appointment today went alright...

gonna try to not b/p, ahh there I put it in writing uh oh lol... tomorrow I have money and I want to get chinese... so that will be a b/p tomorrow...

today I had  yogurt (80) and granola (55)... blah im fat

agg hey... its monday...
weight... same as yesterday... up early so I would have likely lost if no change in my routine

today is measurement monday
Hip 43.5
LR Hip 38 (40)
Waist 32 (33)
Breasts 37 (39)
Neck 13
R Thigh 23 (23.5)
L Thigh 22.5 (23)
R U Arm 11
L U Arm 11 (11.5)
R wrist 6
L wrist 6

Thats 6.5 inches difference WOW... Now there is a difference with the measuring tape but why cant I see a difference uggg

so ive had a yogurt and granola... not hungry now but who knows what the rest of the evening will bring

ahhh finally below 190... 189.8 better stay below it tomorrow...

ate a yogurt and granola.... thinking about making some pasta...

today was a lazy day... slept and read... gotta be up early in the morning...

hmmm i dont have much to say today...
Hugz

Hey...
weight was alright... down 1 pound...

I didnt go with my sister I think she forgot she asked me... and I slept in ...

I had $10 in food stamps... bought a gallon of milk, a box of cereal and 2 packs of cookies on sale...
ate 1 pack of cookies... crappy to purge...

I want like mac and cheese or ramen noodles but I dont really wanna purge right now so I am not gonna eat till I can deal with purging...
I did eat a yogurt with granola... I am out of orange juice

Well positive news I didnt gain this morning! wow...

Today... ate yogurt and granola...
worked for my friend
ate lunch blah at wendys ick... I had a half size chicken bacon cobb salad... I took off the blue cheese crumbles, the bacon and the chicken... used a teaspoon of pomagranet vinagrette dressing, ate 2 bites of the chicken and ate the salad. Had water to drink...
Watch I will gain from that though ugggg

we went shopping... got some christmas shopping done, now I owe her $20 because I over spent... At least I get paid on the 1st

Alright I know its early still but I am massively tired and cold... so I am going to go to bed and read and hopefully sleep

Fat Ass

Yeah quick note... i have more to write tomorrow...

I am a PIG! OINK OINK
UGH
So I used my sisters scale (cant believe she had one, but it was hidden back in the bathroom closet)... I lost .4 by her scale... okay
I ate my normal orange juice, yogurt and granola... at about 9 am... early day yuk

I did pretty well most of the day... then WHAM while making more deviled eggs at 2:30 I ate one... with the Yolk stuff, ugg... and I made peanut butter cookies with chocolate kisses... I made like 3 dozen at least ohh they looked SO GOOD!!! Dinner was delayed some people didnt show up on time I took a cookie and ate it... UGG FAT COW... didnt purge it

we ate at like 4... I ate 2 plates... then 5 cookies lots of diet pepsi and then I purged... good... got that out...

Felt better... at like 7:30 I was up getting a diet soda and saw a couple pieces of yams left in the pan, not enough to save... I took 3 bites... UGGGG and then took a piece of blueberry bread... damn... just the bread itself is like a million calories uggg... fricken food its ridiculous... it just makes me FAT

I am home now... ready for bed... its 9 pm and I have to be up early... YAY lol... have to go to work...

I did well the only thing I brought home in leftovers is a bottle of diet soda... YAY ME!!!
Alright will put up a couple pictures shortly, no food ones though

Ahh hey
didnt reach my goal of 190 by thanksgiving.... 191.6 blah down .8 from yesterday...
I am praying this next week goes by quick without weight gain... *please, please, please*

Almost done packing my stuff for my sisters... ugg I have so much laundry lol... its gonna suck not having the internet there (she doesnt even have tv right now)... I might be able to get on my phone but it really depends on the memory... I am going to write a lot of stuff in a paper journal... then copy it here later...

taking my camera too... not sure if I will get any good shots of me but I will try to get some of the kids and the baby, not to mention a few other people... maybe some food too

uggg i am so tired... i ONLY got 10 hours of sleep lol uggg my head is heavy... my stomach nauseous... yuk

Alright have a happy thanksgiving and I will write when I get home <3

hmm well today was uggg my niece asked me to watch her boyfriends 2 kids because she had to go somewhere and couldnt take them... so I agreed... I had to be up at 8 ugg... at that time my weight was a double ugg... so I had some orange juice and we watched tv...

Man was it HARD to make the kids lunch... I wanted to eat too.. Ugg NO, NO NO cannot eat. I have to go back to bed after they leave and sleep the rest of the time I usually sleep and then weigh myself... then I can eat something. I canceled my appointment with my case worker.

The boys left at about 1, I crashed shortly there after slept for about 5 hours. I got up and weighed myself... ugg made it to my weight i was yesterday... BLAH at least I didnt gain. I would have lost if I didnt mess up my schedule... ugg I SO DO NOT want the next few days to happen... my sleep and eating are gonna be all messed up... my weightloss is going to be so messed up. uggg I swear gaining is going to piss me off, it is so easy for my body to gain and what if I cant purge everything one time or something uggg I am going to try to not eat but that is harder when I am away from home.

I probably wont post here till thursday night or friday or something... friday I have to work for my friend and then we are going christmas shopping. Saturday my sister asked me to go down and see her mother with her... we will see if she still wants me... so my 1st day back to normal is sunday and then WHAM its MONDAY! measurement day and an up early day, and i have to be up early tuesday Damn, this is really frustrating me

Hey, mondays here, thankfully almost over... yay my bed is calling me
umm weight... down .4 darn so that means if I got up at my regular time I might have lost more uggg stupid mondays but at least it is down this monday
I have lost 4 pounds from last monday to today... hmmm thought it was more but no it makes sense on my notepad

Alright monday measurements... not nearly as productive as last week but some loss, so some loss is still good
Hip 43.5 (44)
LR Hip 40
Waist 33 (34)
Breasts 39 (40)
Neck 13
R. Thigh 23.5 (25)
L. Thigh 23 (24)
R. U. Arm 11
L. U. Arm 11.5
R. Wrist 6
L. Wrist 6

Thats a difference of 5 inches total... not horrible...

I drank some orange juice today and told myself I would buy stuff to make tacos if I didnt eat at all the rest of the day... I am so excited to start cooking shortly, I even did the dishes. (and if you know me its my most hated job) I am like shaking between wanting to eat tacos and from being hungry lol... I will purge... I think I will have some carrots later so I do eat something today... dont want to totally stall my weightloss

Alright will write more later <3

so yesterday I ended up eating a yogurt (60) and granola (55), and 3 kiwis (135)

today I was down .6 blah hopefully I can be below 190 before thanksgiving but who know what damage the holiday will do... and sleeping and eating will be thrown off so things may just be nasty

tomorrow is monday measurements... doubt it will be as good as last week...
will be up early so doubtful for weightloss

I dont know this week is not sounding good in my head

Im heading over to my sisters wednesday... i need to do laundry and then i am spending the night to help cook on thursday. hopefully I can go home thursday evening... cross my fingers...

and i dont know if its smart to take my scale to my sisters house... so maybe no weight wednesday night and thursday morning uggg

I was down .8 today... didnt bp yesterday

tried to just eat a little today bp'd ugg

wasnt even really hungry, got rid of 5 pounds purging...

Im down a little more than 10 pounds... in 2 weeks... it takes so long for it to come off... uggg

Mark didnt say much, he said he has been going through a lot... I forced myself to say what I had to but I didnt pressure or force him to say anything so I dont know I didnt get much information from him... hmmm i wish i didnt miss him anymore

today... uggg
I lost a pound...
I ate 6 pieces of candy twice with 150 calories each time.... blah 300 calories right there....

had a yogurt and granola 60 and 55, and just now 4 oz of oj 75
uggg 490

umm today I feel like I am drowning in the past... being bombarded with past shit everytime i think or move or do anything... what the hell.... I want to shut my brain off... I wish I had some Ativan lol

I have slept most of the day but the past has followed me there too... dreams... nightmares.... uggg
alright im done

hey
today is a day i would rather not be a part of... too many feelings... im stuffing myself right now to get them all out shortly

saw my case worker today... talked about mark, that i should call him let him know its hurting me the way hes acting. tell him i care but im not sure if i can keep hurting for a little tiny piece of hope or wish he will come back around

I did text him, asked him to call me when he had time. I didnt bother trying to call him because he would never answer. He text me 2 hours later... said whats up... I asked him to call me when he had time... he called after texting a couple times... I told him that I cared about him a lot and I knew he was going through some stuff right now but I would like to be able to help, I feel like my heart is breaking everytime you talk to me (text) once a week and then dont hear from you in a week or more. I wanted to tell him i love him but i dont know I couldnt give my heart that much out

I feel like crying... I got off the phone with him, grabbed a sweater and put my shoes on and went to the store bought shit and immediately started eating

I called my biological mom while I was eating some snack cakes... only expecting to talk for a few minutes to make sure she got her birthday present in the mail. Well over the summer she was really sick and in the hospital for over a month, thought she had cancer, huntingtons disease, lyme disease... they didnt know what was going on...

Well the doctors told her yesterday that she had Wilsons disease, her body cannot metabolize and excrete copper, it causes liver problems... this disease is fatal if not treated appropriately, it is an ongoing treating disease, she will have it forever.
And now I have to worry too, it is genetic, there is a 25% chance I can have it.

I dont know how to take this, I mean I am pretty okay with my health right now but it can hit you at any time It is a pretty rare disease so that is good but jeez this is crazy

I ate and purged... purged almost 7 pounds of food... I wish I felt that it got rid of my feelings too uggg

hey... so today just started off not good... blah

I kinda figured because of the popcorn last night... I know I should have purged it ... well its my fault

I gained .4 uggg I immediately ate and purged cereal... then went back to bed

I know I keep telling myself its only .4 but whats it gonna be tomorrow... and the next day its gonna start layering back on...

I just ate a slice of turkey lunch meat (20), a yogurt with granola (60,55), and 2 servings of raw carrots (90)

Ugg i am so disgusting so much for hoping for weightloss i just ate a bag of popcorn and took my meds like an hour before. I shouldnt purge. I know its only like 250 calories but uggg i suck

hey im back... gonna go to bed shortly...
little update
spent a few hours over at my sisters and it was nice... my sister is going through a rough time... man problems... her boyfriend moved out last week... already has someone else (the boyfriend before the boyfriend that just left) but he is not committing and she is getting pissed... she hates sleeping alone i dont understand it but i hope she can find someone who is not a user...
I didnt get to see the baby :( Missa and Nick were out and about with him... I was disappointed but I spent a lot of quality one on one time with Kayla...
I love spending time with her when she doesnt have her attitude lol... she got home from school and we worked on homework together... and she is really good and doing homework no complaining (grade 2)...
Then I took measurements of her baby alive doll so I can make it a diaper and some clothes... maybe for christmas... she gave me a list lol... shirt, skirt, pants, slippers, coat, dress hmmm fun I have to find some good fabrics though
we sat on the couch ate a few pieces of her halloween candy, then she brushed my hair, put it up, braided it, you know whatever she wanted....
my sister and her guy friend and kayla ate spam and eggs and i had a package of ramen noodles...
after eating kayla and I colored and drew pictures for each other...

Got home watched some tv, decided to eat some more... made mac and cheese... if I wasnt going to eat anymore today I wasnt going to purge but since I made the mac and cheese i ate like 10 cookies and milk and purged... got rid of 4 pounds while purging... yuk... I Hate/Love to see the difference in the scale before and after a purge

alright gonna go and read for awhile... bed is calling

Hey, weight down a pound from yesterday, .6 from the day before... who knew I just needed to start purging again to jumpstart my weightloss... ahh but I know it will not last...

I am going over to my sisters for a little while... I will be back tonight but not sure if I will post again... probably :) umm just had some orange juice (4 oz) and 1 sf pudding cup 70 cals... Who knows if I will have to eat anything at my sisters... blah... but I cant wait to see the kids and the baby :)

Can you believe he is almost 2 months old now! wow! Kayla called and asked me to come over so I could help her on her 'coins' homework, aww I love helping her... she is my girl...

alright will try to post later, sister will be here shortly
<3

well good news or frustrating news...

frustrating news- I was up 5 hours earlier than normal and had to weigh myself for the day... so not as good.... I weighed myself when I got home but I had the days water and orange juice... not lower than the morning... so maybe tomorrow my weight will cooperate

good news... monday measurements... be warned they are still disgusting!
Surprisingly I lost 6 inches total this week! wow... im stupdified lol dont know how about 8 pounds lost will do that, perhaps its the little bits of exercise
here are my measurements old number if different in parenthesis
Hip-44 (46)
LR Hip- 40
Waist-34 (36)
Breasts-40
Neck-13 (14)
R. Thigh-25
L. Thigh-24
R. Upper arm-11 (11.5)
L. Upper arm 11.5 (12)
R. wrist-6
L. wrist-6

well not really sure whats wrong with me today... was walking home and was thinking about food... blah... stop and bought a few things... not good... im eating some right now... yuk... gonna have to purge ugg

I talked to my therapist today... fun... actually crying... i know the wanting and needing to purge more is a little about wanting to get rid of the hurt feelings over mark... i just wish i knew how to do that and not be detrimental to myself... uggg yeah right...
I guess I have decided to be just friends with mark until or if he ever comes back around, give him the space... let my heart not care so much so it wont hurt so much... I guess im not totally giving up but I know right now things are not working for him, if he would tell he that would make it easier but he wont

Ahhggg i turned my heat on to 65 oh my gosh it feels so good! I will only keep it on for a couple of hours but I just want to keep my hands over the wall register... im still covered in 3 blankets lol

well I ate a slice of ff turkey lunchmeat 20 calories
and about 2 servings baby carrots 75 calories

hmmm i guess not really much else to say just want to keep myself update and in check.

hmmm down 2 more pounds still well into the 190s yuk... I will not consider any weight lost till im in the 180s then i know its a little more likely to stay

I had 2 bowls of cereal... felt like a binge... purged... blah... thats it for today no more purging...
I had some orange juice... not sure about dinner or anything yet

last night I ended up having a yogurt and a plum, talk about greedy...

I have 1 more plum and 3 kiwis I have to eat soon though they are going to go bad, those are good foods I dont want to waste...

I have not exercised yet today... I am not feeling it... I want to go crawl back into bed... I am cold even though it is warmish here... Doesnt help my hair is wet... just showered...

I hate how skuzzy I get at times... okay i dont know if that is a word but it sounds like one to me. lol
I will go days without showering... thankfully most of the time I am not doing much but it is like I disgust myself enough already... why try...
But then if I go out to an appointment I try really hard to look okay, I hope to 'fool' whoever I am seeing that I am not a disgusting fat cow... I dont think I succeed but at least I can tell myself I try

At least if Tiger judges me he doesnt do it to where I know... no telling me I eat too much (quite the opposite he always wants the food lol), no hissing if he sees me in the mirror or when I get dressed... Although he likes to sit on my chest in the middle of the night I dont think it is because it is nice and 'cushioned' its because mommy will always wake up with a 16 pound weight on her chest. He is the loveliest guy I know lol

uggg tomorrow is monday measurements... scared! hope nothing went up... I have to do them first thing in the morning... will post them later, i have an appointment and work at the library...fun

Uggg I am a cow... I ate the pie...

blah... tired now my after purge weight was up .8 from this morning... uggg

I am going to eat some yogurt... or a plum... hmm not sure gotta go look... almost bed time...

I did walk about 20 minutes today, no exercise tape...

I should not have done the pizza yesterday

my weight was good, down 3 pounds but I am craving all sorts of foods...
It was nice weather so I walked to the store... bought a couple of things... mega muffins, french fries, pumpkin pie and cool whip... Already ate the muffins and french fries... trying to wait a little for the pumpkin pie

I forgot how addictive it is to b/p I cant go back to everyday, once in awhile is okay

i was my morning weight after my purge so that was good...

I havnt eaten otherwise meaning to keep in food today, I may yogurt and granola later so I dont b/p after taking my meds.

Bought and ate my pizza today... it was okay, not as great as I wanted but thats what purging does to me now

I was down 4.4 after my purge... we will see what tomorrow brings on that issue, I doubt it be anything good though
I did eat a yogurt with 1/4 serving granola- 60, 55, a bowl of cereal 140, milk 90
then the pizza a lot of cals but purged
so 345 calories I purposely kept in, I know I didnt keep in a lot of the pizza but a little is to be expected.

Exercised for 25 minutes... i know not very much but its something...

Well I made it tonight... I am going to have some light vegetable soup
I dont really have much else to say... I think I am going to go and buy pizza tomorrow... purging once a week or less is not bad

I did not weigh myself this morning... afraid with what I ate yesterday...

I am craving pizza... which sucks because if I buy it and eat it I will have to purge and I dont want to purge... but I Would Have to... Even if I could force myself to eat only one piece... which I doubt... so I think I am going to go hibernate in my room watch tv stay in there till it gets dark out... I wont walk to the store in the dark... about 3 hours...

I suck

I ate cereal and oj... blah... gotta exercise later too blah blah lol

I feel like I am destined to be a cow no matter how little I eat... Blah stupid brain

hey... food was off a little today...
cereal, milk, oj
then i worked for my friend for 2 hours (my exercise) ate dinner with her
chicken wrap, corn, and mac and cheese

weight was up 1.4 today uggg

I joined bloglovin so i think it will be easier for you to follow me Laila

Ate: cereal about 420 calories, milk 90 calories, 2 kiwi 90 calories
Total 600 calories

Getting ready for the biggest loser tonight

edit: just ate some sf jello and cool whip free 30 cals and 20 cals so 50 more
650 for the day

I exercised for 25 minutes... I am out of shape... I did a video of cardio and resistance I need to do this everyday and build it up... hopefully I can get an exercise bike after christmas

added a new page to my blog... keeping track gotta lose some weight

today I ate... 2 bowls of cereal about 400 calories and milk 90 calories, salad 30 calories, salad dressing 75 calories, 2 SF chocolate puddings 140 calories, 2 tbsp cool whip free 20 calories... also had powerade zero but thats 0 calories
Total 755 calories

I am not feeling to great... I am so disgusted by my weight...
Besides not exercising I am not being bad I eat about 1000 calories... sometimes not even, I dont over eat, I am not purging most of the time... so i need to get myself to exercise more... i am going to buy a exercise bike but i wont be able to until january
money is not good this month... and it is only a little more than a week into the month
I had to buy a new winter coat... I havnt gotten it yet but its on its way... i hate being so fat
why cant i eat normal and weigh normal?
I visited MF tonight... it would be so easy to go back there... let myself get in to it... not really sure if it would help me lose weight but heck right now I am so disgusted I am thinking about it
Laila girl you are 100 pounds! wow amazing hope you are staying healthy I am jealous
I am so frustrated and upset about things with mark... i feel like crying, like a tightness in my chest and a knot in my stomach, I text him he doesnt answer for days... I havnt seen him since I told him I didnt want to be just for sex... he was sick for a week... then he said he was sad and couldnt talk about it... about 2 weeks ago he said he was feeling better but I havnt talked to him, ive tried texting he answered and he doesnt explain anything wont say anything
Why did I even bother finding him... I should just let things go and say whatever... i cant change him or anything... i have never pictured myself with anyone besides him... im 28 and i dont know if it will happen... I need to find a nice house with the ability to have more than one cat and ehhh what would be the point... i would never have a family, do you know being with mark has made me realize how much I really do want a family
I dont know this just makes things seem pointless what good is my life i dont know right now

hey...
my sister is doing better... she needed 2 blood transfusions but she is okay and home now...
jessica miscarried, i dont wish a miscarriage on anyone but i think it was for the best, i just hope she doesnt try to get pregnant again

it might snow tonight... blah it has been rainy all day, 36 degrees now I dont want snow... i was gonna turn the heat on because shannon was coming up but she couldnt make it so ill leave the heat off... weatherman says indian summer is coming next week... it might be 65 wednesday

ahhh oh well ... im tired... almost time for bed

test was negative... all good there

bad news my sister is in the hospital... gi bleed... they had to give her a blood transfusion this morning... they did a scope this evening but I dont know anything new... the doctor told her she couldnt leave until the bleeding stopped or they fixed the problem...
She better be okay
she had to be forced to go to the hospital last night... she has no health insurance... but that is her lack of money management... she called me expected sympathy... i told her she needed to see the doctor or the emergency room she said why are you so cold... i said cause you can die... I was too direct and just told her that she should get help and she shouldnt be taking chances with her life like this... if not for herself for her kids, for the little kids

she cant be the mother she expects to be if she cant take care of herself...

I have no way to go see her but if things get any worse I will beg missa to come out and get me
I will say this again so maybe it will be heard by angels or whatever... let her be okay