Weight sucks today, i gained what i didnt yesterday 142.8 uggg

SO GLAD it wasnt above that, if it were 143 I would have freaked.

so i just was getting dressed... i have like very limited clothes right now because I have not been to my sisters to do laundry in over a month so I looked in my closet for the next biggest pair of pants I have... I have worn all the one I usually wear... and most of them multiple times. So I grabbed a pair of 8s, I dont think they are true 8s because they used to be big on me when other 8s were just right. but yeah I put them on... crap, something is wrong, im not supposed to fit into them but i do. I am too fat to fit into them but I fit into them. God does this mean i might fit into the other 2 pairs that are 8s but definitely made smaller (different brand) uggg I should wait till I reach my next BMI goal, 136.0 Then hopefully they wont be skin tight and push my fat out at the top and make a muffin top. Disgusting!

I took 2 pictures... sorry about my belly showing its gross

well I found out there is going to an inspection at my apartment complex... (they do them 2 times a year) and well I will just say it, i am messy... I have a LOT of stuff, my apartment is very cluttered... last year when they did the inspection (last october) I got a citation, it was too messy... ugggg

So I spent a few hours cleaning today and well it still looks cluttered just not quite as messy. I havnt been over to my sisters to do laundry in over a month so I have 2 baskets and a laundry bag full, and my old mattress is still in my bedroom... I cleaned so much but im afraid im gonna get another citation.

If you get too many citations you can be evicted. uggg

My apartment stinks now... i used some carpet cleaner... ick... and its really cold out and i dont want to open the window but like my nose and back of throat almost kinda burn from the carpet cleaner...

I wanna eat too but ick it stinks so much

Just keep thinking FRIDAY FRIDAY FRIDAY MONEY MONEY MONEY

alright i guess thats it

Well I guess my freak out last night was not really needed weight today 142.2

today and tomorrow... then I GET MONEY !!! YAY!!!

ive been dreaming about what i want
coupon for subway- buy one get one (meatball pepperoni) sub free
sweet and sour chicken
stuff for grilled ham and cheese sandwiches
cookies
muffins
chips?
mmm i know i will get a bunch more...

I am SO HUNGRY

alright thats it for now

ohh crap... im freaking a little... i know its not a big deal but im still freaking...
Im on online with shannon but i dont want to bother her with constantly saying the same thing...

I made spaghetti... it was spaghetti i got from  the food pantry, i usually prefer angel hair its easier somewhat to purge... but i ate it... crap it was evil to purge...

I feel like i got it all up, and when rinsing I was only coming up with water... but damn it all my weight is up 2.6 pounds

Tomorrow im gonna gain! What if im above my bmi goal... then ive failed

crap crap crap crap
ohh man i hate my head

Hey... weight today 142.6

I think I dont believe my therapist can put me in the hospital when I am in the 130s... that is not dangerous to my health... If I get to 110 she might be able to but not 130s... so I dont care... Im fat I need to lose weight

I saw my psychiatrist today... told her about stopping the risperdal... she asked my why i didnt tell her... i told her because i felt like I didnt want anyone to know I was losing weight... I was supposed to be doing the right thing...
I talked to her about my muscle pains and bruising... (because with my bloodwork okay, it could be from one of my psych meds) and she was like ohh decrease this, it should help with the bruising... I said what about the muscle pains? that is what is important to me, i could careless about the bruises. she said ohh maybe the topamax, stop that and it might help (she already told me to stop it because i was taking it to counteract the risperdal weight gain) I feel like she didnt really get what I was saying... ugg

Im like so hungry right now... i dont have much food and i dont know what to eat... guurrrg

Hey... well I made my BMI goal... 143.0= BMI of 19.9 YAY!!!

SO therapy was FUN today... NOT...

Basically my therapist said if I get my weight into the 130s she and my doctor will put me into the hospital. WHAT the FRICK! 130s is NOT bad... ugggg

I need to be like 110, I think that would be okay... I really didnt have a end goal... but 110 can be it... I can be okay there.

I talked about how I felt like a disappointment with my therapist today... she said she is not disappointed, she is just frustrated.

She says if I decide to keep losing weight I am suicidal... I think that is crap, I am nowhere near dying and I had lab work done and my bloodwork is all fine... I AM OKAY!!!

She says because I dont look at her when we talk about the eating disorder and my weight and thoughts about it I am ashamed... I think I am, but not in the sense that I want to stop but in the sense that I feel bad that I am not doing what others want me to do... I used to be a people pleaser to the max, always doing what others wanted, trying to make others feel better at the expense of my feelings or physical safety or anything. Well I am doing what I WANT now... But I shouldnt... because this is a BAD thing...

She says I am addicted to it... probably I am, but right now I dont care... I AM FAT and I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT... I told her I hear what she is saying but it is all like a whisper... I know it is true for the most part but the words in my head are yelling I AM FAT and I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT

she keeps telling me... that is old stuff. you are not... remind yourself... but I AM

Uggg I have a migraine today....stupid head

I have to go see my psychiatrist tomorrow... I got the appointment moved up... I have to tell her I stopped the 1 med that caused the weight gain. I have to tell her I stopped it in november... I have to tell her about my weight and thoughts... URRGGG my therapist is going to talk to her too sometime later...
I will NOT take any new medications if they might cause weight gain. I will not fall for her saying it wont again.

Today was measurement day:
Hips: 36 (36.5)
LR Hip: 32 (32.5)
Waist: 25 (25.5)
Breast: 31
Neck: 11.75 (12)
R Thigh: 19 (19.25)
L Thigh: 18.5 (18.75)
RU Arm: 9 (9.25)
LU Arm: 9.25 (9.5)
R Wrist: 5.5
L Wrist: 5.5
R Calf: 12.5 (12.75)
L Calf: 12.5 (12.75)

Inches Lost 3.25, Weight lost since last monday 2.2 pounds.

I posted this one even tho its not great... because look at my wrists! They look small!

Hey... not much going on today... kinda blah... I wish I had money... i am so crazy for food... I am going to be insane by friday morning...

Todays weight 143.8... .8 to go to my BMI goal... YAY!

Ive been watching Make It or Break It, I dont know why I never watched it before... Ive always liked gymnastics... I am almost done with season one... i have season 2 to watch and then the new season starts on the 28th...

I found this weight calculator... i took a screen shot of it with my stats... I put the url in the picture so if you want to use it just copy it.

Well I dont know how I did it but I did it!

Weight 144.4- today is the 26th! 1 month YAY

im trying to do leg lifts in the morning and at night... in bed... im trying to make it a pattern i keep forgetting the morning but Im trying... maybe it will help make my thighs not as fat. I dont do very many yet but I will work it up.

I went to the store to pick up 2 of my meds... walking was sore on my legs... ugg... stupid legs

I just ate 4 turkey burgers, 6 pieces of bread (as rolls), 1/2 bag french fries, and 8 reese cups. Still hungry but dont really have too many food choices or amount of food to eat more to last till friday.

I guess thats it for right now

hey... so last night i binged on the last of my lunch meat (turkey) and cheese and only have like 4 slices of bread left... I decided I would call my dad and see if he could take me to community action food pantry and get some food.

I used to have an aversion to getting food from there especially if it was for my eating disorder (bping), but I was going crazy last night and I just decided I would do it.

So I called my dad today and he took me at 10 this morning... got a few things... should last me till next friday... i will likely be going crazy by then but it will be more manageable till then.

I had most of the ingredients for chili already so i stuffed that in the crockpot... I didnt add any turkey burger though... so it was like vegetarian chili.

weight today was 146.2 okay finally going down a little...

i ate 4 bowls of chili... and tried making biscuits from scratch... i dont have ingredients for good biscuits so they were not that good but i ate them...
Pre-purge was 155.0 and post purge was 146.2
I was surprised that my post purge weight was my morning weight... I like that... now as long as i dont eat and keep anything I should lose tomorrow

hey... still feeling pretty crappy

I found the piece online for Tigers water fountain... $20 not including shipping...

saw my case worker today.... told her my bad mood was because of the leg pains and tigers fountain breaking and feeling frustrated about feeling like a lazy turd... my legs hurt too much to go walking, or bike... im a fricken lazy ass

I am not going to reach my goal of reaching 144.whatever by the 26th... I am a failure... I know I should take into account that as I weigh less it makes it harder to lose as much in the same amount of time.
So should I make it my goal to lose at least 8 pounds in a month? It would have to be an AT LEAST though

i want to feel better... i hate my mood like this

Thanks Laila, usually I gain if I dont bp... fasting just halts my body and i gain... well right now my body is just pissing me off

im in a bad mood... I had to clean Tigers water fountain... well I unplugged it and took it apart and washed it... filled it back up and now the stupid thing wont work! I tried another outlet, I dumped it out again checked the motor... uggg now i have to try to find a replacement or buy a new cat fountain (this one cost $60)

I like just want to cry or tear something apart throw something and make my brain disappear so i stop thinking.

and watch im gonna gain again watch me... if i do i seriously need to punish myself

i know why my legs couldnt stand me up yesterday, its because im so fat! Im a fat piece of lard... so gross to even imagine

wtf my weight in 146.4? last night it wasnt bad going to bed... WHY am I gaining... the only thing I kept in was about 1/8 cup of applesauce with my meds. Im a fricken fat cow, the size of a house

AND we have a fricken BLIZZARD right now... I can barely see across the street from my window
I HATE YOU SNOW! GO AWAY! ITS SPRING NOW

sorry guys im in a bad mood... really pissed at my weight...

Hey... weight today... uggg 146.0 I gained .8 WTF I kinda figured it would happen but I STILL DIDNT WANT IT TO

I went to the store, bought some things to last me till i get money on the 1st...

After I was done shopping I was sitting on a bench outside the store, drinking a sobe water, when I was done I tried to get up, I was able to lift myself about 1 inch and couldnt stand up?? what was that? I actually had to sit back down (the inch i got up) and use my arms to push me up... It was like my leg muscles couldnt stand me up on their own? So weird

im really sore from working yesterday too... my muscles are crap

alright i will be back later

hey... weight today 145.2... okay... not sure if i believe it... i think i need 2 scales... to make sure im getting correct readings... hopefully next month i can buy another one...

the numbers on the scale say im losing weight kinda fast right this second but i dont see a single thing...

my measurements are:
Hip: 36.5 (37)
L R Hip: 32.5 (33)
Waist: 25.5 (26)
Breast: 31
Neck: 12
R Thigh: 19.25 (19.75)
L Thigh: 18.75 (19)
RU Arm: 9.25 (9.5)
LU Arm: 9.5
R Wrist: 5.5
L Wrist: 5.5
R Calf: 12.75
L Calf: 12.75

Inches lost 2.5 this week, weight lost since last monday 4.2 pounds

getting ready to go purge right now
bp=
2 serving oatmeal
2 glasses milk
1 bag of broccoli
3 pieces tilapia
3 peanut butter and jam on lite wheat bread

pre-purge 155.8, post purge 147.0

Hey... weight today 146.8 not sure if it will stay... losing more than a half a pound usually means gain

I took a regular dose of lax friday night... it did nothing yesterday... blah... so I took another regular dose last night... finally about an hour ago I went some... not a lot for not going in 2 weeks... but I had just got done bping as well.
my bp was 3 large pancakes...
pre-purge 154.0 and I should have weighed myself before going to the bathroom but I didnt but my weight after the lax kicked in and purging was 145.8

I dont know how I feel about it... I like that it is down but I think it means Im gonna gain. And that is the WORST

Tomorrow is measurement and picture progress day... uggg better be something good

hey... okay i dont think you guys are lying, I just feel like the weightloss is slow... i dont know... but i guess it could definitely be slower so I shouldnt complain.
Todays weight 147.8 okay... at least 3 pounds to lose before the 26th... then i will have met my 10 pound loss for a month.

I am tired... its sunny out but the temperature is back down to freezing... blah...
Im kinda hungry too...

i guess i dont have much to say...

hey...
i went down to the store to pick up my medication... one of the medications my doctor wanted me to take is not covered by my insurance and it costs $50, so I cant take it... I dont have that kind of money. I left a message for my doctor... oh well

I was supposed to pick up a can of tuna when I was there but i slipped my mind, ugg I bought 4 SoBe lifewaters... I got home and remembered the damn tuna... i was going to make pasta salad... I had already cooked a whole box of macaroni... uggg so yeah what did I do? I heated up the macaroni and put butter and salt on it and ate it ALL, a WHOLE box worth lol uggg

weight today was 148.4 down .2 really? ugg at least it was down not up... I have 8 days to lose at least 4 pounds... I dont know... my body is so slow losing...

crap... what the frick... i thought my legs were getting better, ugg i just want to cut off my leg right now... crap... im gonna take a muscle relaxant but its gonna make me tired... and i want to eat... so i have to eat first so i can purge... ugg i am so stupid

i wore layers to my doctors appointment... 2 pairs of thermal pants, a pair of like yoga-ish pants and then jeans, and then a shirt and sweater,... and OF COURSE they didnt weigh me LOL

My dr is ordering more blood tests... gotta get them done tomorrow

she looked at my bruises I was able to pull my pants down without her really noticing the multiple layers

ugg im gonna cook something

well i wasnt sure if i was going to write or not but here i am... i am just finishing eating so i will make this short... ive got 8 grilled cheese and a can of tomato soup in my belly iching to get out.
ive got my follow up appointment tomorrow with my doctor... thankfully my legs are doing quite a bit better, still some cramps and pain but nowhere near as bad as it was. I am going to mention the 13+ bruises on my legs...
I am planning on layering my clothes so they cant tell ive lost almost 10 pounds since being there... i have jeans that are large enough to put pants on underneath. but do you think that would be bad because i am going to tell her about the bruises on my legs? I dont know if she will want to see them... and if I have to take my pants down she will notice the layering... ehhh i dont know
i guess thats it i gotta go purge...

hey...well i made it! 149.4! Yay!
Its about darn time! And it better stay below 150!

well today is monday...
measurements
not a lot of changes :(
Hip: 37
L R Hip: 33
Waist: 26
Breast: 31 (32)
Neck: 12
R Thigh: 19.75 (20)
L Thigh: 19 (19.25)
R U Arm: 9.5
L U Arm: 9.5 (9.75)
R Wrist: 5.5
L Wrist: 5.5
R Calf: 12.75 (13)
L Calf: 12.75

That is a difference of 2 inches lost and since last monday I have lost 2.8 pounds

Therapy was frustrating today... did you know binging and purging is a massive waste of food and money? well that is what my therapist said... hmmm something about that sounds familiar, my bank account and kitchen cupboards know that too. uggg
She was okay with my 'fake' food list... i wrote that i binged some (wrote small binges) and she wanted to know what I think about when I binge... I said just food, i think about food all the time... when i actually binge its just i cant stop. I dont want to stop.
My therapist thinks I lost 2 pounds eating what I wrote on the fake food list... (she thinks Im 154) and she said if you(me) can eat throughout the day and just not binge/purge i will still lose weight. Not that I should lose any more weight. My goal should be to maintain. I said no that is your goal. She then said wow yeah that is, she said she and my dr just feel helpless with trying to help me when i am not making the right decisions. I told her i feel like I have a wall up in my head and i dont how or if i even want to work past it right now, I NEED to lose weight.

She said you look good right now, I said I look disgusting, She said no. I said you dont see me naked. She said no one sees you naked that shouldnt matter. I said but I do. The she said but you didnt like yourself when you were 130 what are you going to do then? I said go lower. Then she said "WHY DID YOU SAY THAT? Why did you say that?" I said because it is in my head. she said no you cant, You dont look good there.

What the frick... I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT

hey sorry i didnt write yesterday, wasnt feeling well

weight 150.0... WTF! come on now couldnt give me .2 more?

im eating right now...
3 sandwiches:
6 pieces lite wheat bread
2 ham
1 turkey
2 slices provolone cheese
3 slices colby jack cheese
light miracle whip
vanilla cookies (like generic vanilla oreos)
3 cans of vegetable soup (2 servings per can)


i dont know what else
im not really looking forward to therapy tomorrow
i have to finish writing up my 'fake' eatings... im not telling her what im actually eating anymore

alright i guess thats it <3

hey...
im kinda just blah today... my neighbors were buttheads last night... yelling and making loud noises from 2:45- 6 am...
weight 150.8
uggg...

i tried making cherry crisp but it doesnt really look that good... but im gonna try to eat it anyway...

i just had a bp-
3/4 loaf of italian bread (stupid bread was stalish and i bought it yesterday, so i ate all of the inside and a little bit of the outside)
1 pkg of cheese raviolis
sauce
butter on the bread
--still hungry
2 sandwiches
4 slices lite wheat bread
turkey
provolone cheese
colby-jack cheese
miracle whip lite

Pre-purge- 161, post purge 152.6 (but im gonna bp again so that is not going to be my night weight, its too high)

i have been crocheting... i should take some pictures... its going to be a shirt... if i do it right lol

uggg most of the snow here has melted (except big piles that were plowed high) and now its snowing... uggg

I think yesterdays weight was a fluke... i went from 152.2 to 150.8... well today i am 151.4 so yeah yesterday was not really accurate i think

I wish my couch was more cushiony... my butt hurts...

i want to eat... then i got to shower soon... i just ate a bag of salad...

hmmm i guess i dont have a lot to say right now... my mind is on food lol

uggg hey... today has been okay... didnt do much

yesterday i didnt take a muscle relaxer all day until bedtime because i dont have a lot of them (dr gave me 10 day supply) but when i laid down, i had just taken my meds... ohh man my legs hurt... i just wanted to cry. thankfully it didnt take a very long time for the medication to get into my bloodstream...

i bpd like 3 times yesterday... oops lol

i thought i might gain weight but my weight was down this morning
150.8

we shall see if it stays there or if it was a fluke

today... ummm yeah i ate half a banana... about an hour before a bp
had some oj about an hour before another bp
so i might of kept in them...
but 2 bps
1st consisted of 4 lean pockets (ham and cheese)
2 bowls of cereal
milk
2nd bp ordered out
Chicken finger dinner (4 chicken fingers, and crispy fries)
5 mozzarella sticks
1 order fried dough
1 ham and cheese sub
I AM SUCH A PIG!!!!

after purging like crazy for the 2nd bp i got really shaky and i took my blood sugar (with a glucometer) and it was 43... that is not good... so i drank some powerade zero, ate 1/8 cup applesauce, then still shaky 1 piece of candy (white chocolate truffle thingy)

i want some popcorn... i might make it eat it... purge some of it try to keep some of it so i dont have to eat with my meds

im tired and sore...

hey...
ive been at a loss for words...

i had therapy today... i didnt do what my therapist asked me to do last week... she asked me to go a week without binging and purging, eating 1000-1200 calories a day and  not weigh myself everyday. I thought I did a little bit okay because i purposely kept in a few food items during the week... it was not very much but it was something... i gained weight with it too so i stopped...

today, she made a meal plan thing... i have to try... i told her i will try halfway... i am not gonna tell myself i cant purge if i freak. she said i just had to write down my feelings and what i ate...

she asked me what i ate yesterday... i told her i didnt keep anything specific in, oh then yes i did i said 3 slices of pineapple. I said but i did binge, she asked what i ate for the binge... i was reluctant to tell her but i did. 6 turkey/cheese sausages, 2 popcans of biscuits, and a bag of salad.

she then said wow, that is enough for 4 people.

I couldnt look at her through the whole session

i feel disgusting

i look disgusting

i am disgusting

part of me wants to start to just tell her i am doing the meal plan, and stopping purging... just lie to her... i dont know

i JUST NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT

hey...
I got some sleep last night... i still woke up a bunch but i slept...  my legs are hurting still though...

uggg today is supposed to be a lax day, i was leery of taking them when Shannon is visiting but i have to tonight... its been almost 2 weeks...

weight... uggg crap... my routines are thrown off... and i kept down about 500 calories yesterday... i think

hey... sorry i havnt written... getting very little sleep makes one go a little crazy...

i FINALLY got the muscle relaxer medication... today, i took it earlier, i havnt noticed anything yet but i was able to sleep for about an hour and a half... last night i only got about 2 hours

I was getting very confused and fuzzy headed... very hard to think...

weight sucked today... not enough sleep and A LOT of  medications in my system and last night i ate 2 slices of cheese, a couple slices of turkey lunchmeat, and 4 spoons of applesauce. Probably about 250 calories.
weight 152.2

Shannon is up visiting... Love her, I wish i felt better to hang out more...

im eating... raviolis, italian bread... gonna have to purge soon...

hey...
i took a dose of percoset today... was sweating and shaky from it... ???? dont know why... I WISH MY DR WOULD GET OFF HER BUTT AND CALL IN THE PRESCRIPTION

I am so tired... i want to sleep but i havnt been sleeping too good... i just want to feel better... uggg

ignore my whiny-ness

i got some aleve- it acts like ibuprofen... but i cant take ibuprofen because it messes up my stomach... well since taking the aleve my stomach is all ick, i dont think i can take this either... it can cause gastric bleeding in some people, especially if ibuprofen causes it with you... uggg

weight today 151.4... down .2 but i didnt sleep good... so i dont know... uggg

UGgg I just want to like cut the muscles out of my legs... or amputate my legs temporary... uggg
my dr said she would prescribe a muscle relaxant but when i got to the pharmacy she hadnt called it in yet. ARRRGGG so ANOTHER hard night tonight

Weight 151.6

I had to walk to the bank, got my chinese, went to the store to get my meds... got home a little bit ago, just finished eating my chinese, gonna purge shortly

i am so tired, not sleeping good...

sorry you guys can just forget this whiny post... thats all im posting lately... its hard to think of much else...