hey... uggg another difficult night... it feels like every muscle fiber in my leg is contracting at just a little bit different time... HURTS... i just want to cry...
I had to walk to therapy this morning and man now, uggg, i laid down for a little while after getting home but I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO.... I am going crazy

my weight 152.4 (would have been lower but it was an early morning)

Measurements:
Hip: 38
L R Hip: 33 (33.5)
Waist: 26.75 (27)
Breast: 32
Neck: 12
R Thigh: 20
L Thigh: 19.25 (19.5)
R U Arm: 9.5
L U Arm: 9.75
R Wrist: 5.5
L Wrist: 5.5
R Calf: 13
L Calf: 12.75 (13)

That is down 1.25 inches... this week I lost 4.6 pounds but last monday was a high weight with the bad purge

so... i went to therapy today... yeah i decided it was best just to tell Brenda what was going on before my Dr told her... it would not be long before she started asking questions if I keep loosing weight...

so I told her i didnt want to tell her... i was telling her because i HAD to... I didnt feel like it was a problem right now.  I told her that I realized that this all about started when Mark started pulling shit and not seeing me, not talking... I didnt realize how hurt I was from it until recently...

so Brenda is trying to make me change my thinking (she wouldnt be a good therapist if she didnt) but i am very frustrated with this because I dont want to change right now... I WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT... she said i am at a healthy weight.... i dont need to lose anymore... i said but i look disgusting, she said in your eyes its the disorder... I said but if i have to wear these 14 for the rest of time I HAVE TO LOSE WEIGHT, my 10s dont fit right (not the jeans havnt tried them yet) She said you cant be a 10, I said I want to be a 6 or i dont know
I said I dont have a goal weight... I am focused on bones right now... She said you need to change that... you were accepting of your weight being in the 150s before you can do it again, I said BUT I DONT WANT TO RIGHT NOW...

I told her evidence that eating 1000-1200 calories a day will make me gain because back in sept-oct i was doing that and i was still gaining weight.

Purging and not eating is what works for me

I told her I stopped the Risperdal...
She said NOW you can eat healthy and not gain weight...

She told me I needed to eat around 1000-1200 cals a day and no binge and purge for the next week... I was thinking as she was telling me I CANT, i dont want to...

tuesday i get money... chinese= binge purge...

I cant just eat anyway I WILL GAIN.
I cant exercise right now either...

I feel like a big disappointment to her... She has been telling me for a few months how well I am doing and how happy she is about that... IM a BIG FAT SCREW UP

That is when I cried- when I talked about how i let her down and she is one of the only people who tell me I am doing well, and I ruined it, i made her a liar

Laila- I dont know... I thought maybe 119 again but i didnt like that when i was there before... i wasnt thin enough in my eyes... I dont have a real goal... just lose weight till im bony

Weight today 152.8 was NOT expecting that...

last night was horrible... my left leg was hurting so bad... it was contracting so much i lay there i thought for a second it was my heart beat, I felt my pulse and that was much slower...  My leg muscles were contracting like 180 times a minute...  Pain from the bottom of my foot to the back of my thigh up near my butt... uggg

and I was thinking yesterday that I was just being ridiculous about this stupid muscle pain... and was just being lazy
I ended up taking a hydrocodone left over from my surgery over the summer... it worked for awhile... i was able to sleep for a little while...

I cant wait till I get paid... tuesday I believe... it will be chinese for bp night... YUM

I have therapy tomorrow... im gonna talk to Brenda about this crap... not looking forward to it...

Hey...
weight 154.2 wow was not expecting that... cool

i was going to sit down and try to fix my heart monitor... havnt done it yet though...

i didnt sleep well last night...still not sleeping by 3 am i took a sleeping pill.... and if i dont fall asleep with it soon i usually do stuff without really thinking... well I cleaned some of my closet out... Not a bad thing to do when your not really thinking... At least I didnt eat or si... that has happened in the past when sleeping pills fail to put me to sleep

i finally fell asleep by 6 am...

hmmm im hungry but not ready to eat yet...

uggg i am so tired...

weight 155.4

doctors appointment today...
got called to come in early 3:30 instead of 4
got there at 3:20... was not seen/put in a room till 4:30
i was so frustrated...
nurse has to re-weigh me because they didnt write it down wednesday
about 4:45 my doc comes in
i tell her a bit about my muscles and side pain...
she said my potassium is okay, my magnesium is a little low...
she had no real idea about the side pain and kind of let it go asking about lax use and purging...
i said i used lax like 1 time a month... okay i use it like 2-3 times a month, regular doses too
i told her purging was alright, not excessive, she said how much is that, i said maybe once a day (really 2-3 times a day)
She asked if my therapist knew my eating disorder is not as quiet as it was... i said no, i dont want to disappoint anyone, everyone thinks i am doing so well... and really my mood and anxiety is okay... why complain. AND seriously I dont want to seem noncompliant or not willing to work but right now i dont want to change my eating... i dont want to eat 1000 calories a day, I WILL gain weight. To be honest I still want to lose weight.
She said well I dont want you to lose anymore, I said I know that is when this gets tough... I still feel like I am 200 pounds... She said you havnt been able to recognize the weightloss? I said no, i see it in numbers but not on me.

so i told her i dont want her to tell anybody anything... she said she would give me a little time to talk to my therapist but I had to. If she did not hear from my therapist within a week she would call her.

DAMN IT ALL!!!!

im gonna eat and purge in a few minutes...

i hope the electric stays on... the weather is bad and the electric keeps flickering... uggg the doctors office lost power 2 times while I was there.... and the store when i went to get meds, lost power once... and my apartment clocks are off so i lost power... uggg
if i lose power i wont be able to cook, or use my heat uggg (yeah right now my first thought is cooking)
I GOTTA GO EAT SOMETHING AND PURGE

Ahh yes I went back and looked, The message was there, i just overlooked it. Did the batteries work for your scale? I LOVE peanut M&Ms. The one packs of hot chocolate have awesome colored marshmallows! They are cool...

well... i got up early and went and got my bloodwork done... came back home and went back to bed. I am so grateful I have good veins...

I am nervous about my appointment tomorrow but at the same time I dont know, I am pretty sure Im gonna tell her a bit about whats going on eating wise... because I AM trying to lose weight not trying to kill myself first.

Im tired... i slept for awhile today after the bloodwork...

weight today 156.4 just about where i was before that bad day binge that i couldnt get up... I am supposed to be down to 154 by the 28th... for my goal of 10 pounds lost this month... I dont know if it will happen... I HOPE SO

i had 1 bp
6 peanut butter and jam sandwiches
2 cans of soup
1/2 cake i baked

pre-purge 166.2, post purge 157.2

alright thats it for tonight i think

Laila did you get your gift?

alright, alright
todays appointment was a bust.... somehow a mistake was made and even though they said I was seeing my doctor they tried to make me see some guy, i refused. They gave me a bloodwork paper and told me to come back friday. At least they gave me the paper for bloodwork...

The nurse who weighed me was not very smart... she must not realize that blind weights mean patients not supposed to know weight... I got on like I was supposed to and she weighed me (On a DIFFERENT scale) and left the weight on the scale... I looked as i grabbed my shoes off the floor... 158... I was 159 at home with clothes on so I am glad they were pretty close.

had 1 bp
4 muffins
chips
tuna helper
pre-purge 165.8, post purge 157.2

Yay low post purge weight, thats what I was this morning

I just ate 2 hard boiled eggs, im going to bed real soon too so hopefully no more bps tonight
ive been up since 8:30 this morning... i dont do this much time awake lol

so the size 10s i tried on, disgusting, look at that muffin top!

measurements I didnt type up yesterday
Hip: 38(38.5)
L R Hip: 33.5
Waist: 27 (27.5)
Breast: 32
Neck: 12
R Thigh: 20 (20.5)
L Thigh: 19.5(20)
R U Arm: 9.5(9.75)
L U Arm: 9.75(10)
R Wrist: 5.5
L Wrist: 5.5
R Calf: 13(13.25)
L Calf: 13(13.25)
That is 3 inches down total
Yesterdays heart monitor stats
Max hr: 204
Avg hr: 93
Calories burned: 2140
Fat burned: 277g
Hr below 96: 10 hours
Hr between 96-124: 2 hours 10 minutes
Hr above 124: 12 minutes
for some reason todaywhen i put my heart monitor on it was not reading so i took it off, i will try again later
weight today 157.2, probably would have been lower but i am up early watching my niece and great nephews... tired...

ugg okay... i bpd... didnt really think it through as in weighing... i weighed not good...

maybe i should have weighed this morning...
3 steamfresh bags of broccoli
1/2 bag french fries
5 chicken patties

pre-purge 167.6, post purge 161.2

i still feel full, but not in my stomach down lower in my lower intestines, even though those are empty now

i hate feeling full

so im thinking about talking to my psychiatrist about my topamax tomorrow
topamax can be used in the treatment of bulimia bulimia topamax trial
but i dont know... she probably wont consider increasing it because i deal with bulimia because i wont eat, more anorexic tendencies. i dont know if i really want anyone to know anyway

hey Laila... i didnt write on here but did on mf, that last night was bad...  i bpd but the burritos that i usually eat for some reason were not coming up... my after purge weight was 161

so today is monday... i did not weigh in, i am not doing measurements... i will do them tomorrow... i will still be up in weight tomorrow but probably better than today.

i took 2 lax last night... not really gone too much but i used the lax last week...

i dont really want to bp today but i dont really think i can go a day without

i dont know i guess thats it for now

hey... today is a lazy day...
weight 156.6 BLAH!!!! uggg stupid weight

tomorrow is measurement day and picture day... uggg

im losing time for my 10 pound loss this month... my body needs to get into gear. 2.6 pounds need to be lost! NOW!

had a bp... i know that helps my weight *soo* much...
3 sandwiches
3 rolls
1 ham, cheese, miracle whip light
2 turkey, cheese, miracle whip light, turkey bacon
1/3 box of pasta
butter/salt
turkey bacon (ugg didnt grab the low sodium one and man was this massively salty! will not happen again)
pre-purge 167.4 post purge 157.6

no heart monitor stats... couldnt reset it yesterday for some reason, figured it out today so i will wear it tomorrow

Hey... sorry i didnt get to post yesterday busy day

I went to work for my friend... finally have my laptop paid off, yay!
Working was difficult, I clean for her but my legs were not as bad but as i worked especially vacuuming and sweeping my legs were bad again, like just about the worst. uggg

the muscles are not as tight as they have been, which is good, hopefully its passing but even just laying down my muscles still hurt. my sister said my muscles hurt because im lazy... she doesnt know crap

ive been having pain in the upper left quadrant of my abdomen... not sure what thats about... stupid

yesterday i ate
1/8 c. raisins
not purged
dinner:
sub from subway, turkey,provolone, on italian bread, lettuce, tomato
at sisters, left over tuna helper, 1 cereal bowl of chips, salad and dressing.
purged dont have weights
later, left over spaghetti/1 meatball, 2 slices bologna, 1 can of spaghetti os, 1 can mini beef raviolis, 3 slices of bread purged

heart monitor stats from yesterday
Max hr: 219
Avg. hr: 72
Calories burned: 3830
Fat burned: 497g
Hr below 96: 9 hour 55 minutes
Hr between 96-124: 2 hours 22 minutes
Hr above 124: 2 hours 59 minutes

weight today was messed up because i only got 3 hours of sleep, but it was 156.8

i had 1 bp today
sandwiches...
2 rolls
ham, cheese, light miracle whip,
turkey, cheese light miracle whip
salad
salad dressing
1 more sandwich
1 roll
ham, cheese, light miracle whip
5 granola bars
pre-purge 167.8, post purge 157.6

okay heart monitor stats
Max hr: 161
Avg hr: 73
Calories burned: 1814
Fat burned:235g
Hr below 96: 5 hours 37 minutes
Hr between 96-124: 1 hour 15 minutes
Hr above 124: 1 hour 6 minutes

new day...
weight 156.2 thats down but I used 1 lax last night
I was supposed to use it this saturday but im not going to be home

ugg i really freaked myself out last night... i should have never wrote or thought about the potassium thing, i thought my chest was tight and kept thinking if my muscles are tight like this (not just my legs, but those are worst) than is my heart like tight? its a muscle...  and the night before last night i had a dream that triggered palpitations... only lasted about 20 seconds but scary...
I kept thinking my heart was tight and beating a little funny last night, twice i thought i stopped breathing.

then this morning i dreamed that i took too many meds on accident. (last night i filled my med box) I thought i just dumped the days worth into my little cup to take, but like normal the morning wasnt already missing. and i wasnt paying attention... THIS DREAM was SO REAL i ACTUALLY thought when i went to the bathroom i shouldnt take my meds this morning because the effects might be too soon. AND I thought it explained the feelings last night with my heart and the feeling like i stopped breathing...

But then i actually looked at my med box, i didnt do that. I didnt accidentally take too many meds... im glad but part of me is disappointed because now how do i explain all those feelings from last night?

I think about going to the doctor and asking for bloodwork, but if i do that then she will know i am doing ok... so i have to be okay. My doctor has authority to talk to my therapist and she does and will totally tell if she knows im back into my ed.

there are other signs in into it anyway... not just the weightloss... my eyes especially... i dont know i wish you could ask for bloodwork and not explain a lot

but i feel off... i hate this

ugg okay time to get ready for bed... so i will post real quick

my legs are still hurting... its like if i sit at all they just ball right up so when i go to stand its back to square one in trying to walk, feeling like my calfs are going to pop out of my skin. and the lower back of my upper thighs.

I did not ride, i suck... heck i dont know how i even deal with the pain when i purge, it feels like my legs are not getting oxygen or whatever and the muscle burns and is so tight...

I wonder if my potassium is off? i had a couple bananas a couple weeks ago. I drink powerade zero every other dayish.

im afraid that im not gonna be able to walk one of these times... im gonna go to stand up and the muscle is just gonna go...

well today was a task...
2 bps... what i got at the store

1st bp
tomato soup
8 grilled cheese sandwiches (HOW THE FRICK I ATE THAT MANY I DONT KNOW, BUT WHAT GETS ME IS I WAS NOT REALLY FULL WITH THIS BP)
Pre-purge 166.6, post purge 158.6 :(

2nd bp
raviolis
sauce
italian bread/ butter
Pre-purge 167.0, post purge 158.8 uggg :(

okay heart monitor stats
Max hr: 177
Avg. hr: 133
Calories burned: 2566
Fat burned: 333g
Hr below 96: 3 hours 42 minutes
Hr between 96-124: 1 hour 38 minutes
Hr above 124: 3 hours 11 minutes

ugg okay i thought my leg muscles were a little bit better but i went to the store and walking i felt like they were just gonna pop off my legs... uggg i HAVE to bike today, i dont have to do 25 minutes but i have to do some

weight well down a tiny bit 157.0 but at least it not the same AGAIN...

im freezing.. why i dont know we are having a small heat wave... its 41 degrees out lol... actually we might hit 55 friday!

I used a little money I shouldnt have... about $10 worth... uhh ohh bought stuff for raviolis and toasted cheese and tomato soup... i plan on having both tonight... but it would be smart to save one meal for another night.... but i dont know

ohh i had another bp after getting off the computer last night
pancakes
4 of them and butter and syrup
(my pancakes are plate size so they are big)
pre-purge weight 166.0, post purge weight 158.0

alright will write later

uggg my weight is not moving... 157.4 again... what the frick!

today is supposed to be a bike day but i have been in pain all night and i cant figure out why... my muscles are hurting... it hurts to even stand. I just want to lay in bed but even that is not comfortable...

i dont know, i should exercise to lose weight but i hurt so much...

well today was a day ugg

i had a bp earlier...
consisted of:
2 bowls of cereal
1/2 bag of chips
1/2 pint of ice cream

Pre-purge weight 167, post purge 158.8

another bp just now
2 bags of steamfresh green beans
3 hard boiled eggs
3 packs of ramen noodles

Pre-purge weight 166.6, post purge 159.6

That is pretty high, so im drinking more water and gonna purge that in a little bit

exercise stats:
Max hr: 210
Avg hr: 78
Calories burned: 2889
Fat burned: 375
Hr below 96: 8 hour 33 minutes
Hr between 96-124: 2 hours 16 minutes
Hr above 124: 2 hours 2 minutes

COW!!! i am a cow

uggg frustrated... today was an early day and sleep was not good last night... my weight sucks...
same again 157.4
I thought for sure I would be lower... i probably would have if i slept good, i only had one bp yesterday and my stomach was growling most of the night.

Monday measurements
Hip: 38.5
L R Hip: 33.5
Waist: 27.5
Breast: 32
Neck: 12
R Thigh: 20.5
L Thigh: 20
R U Arm: 9.75
L U Arm: 10
R Wrist: 5.5
L Wrist: 5.5
R Calf: 13.25
L Calf: 13.25

No changes... im disgusted... i could almost lose 1/2 inch in my waist

im a horrible fat cow

hey after getting off the computer i had another bp
heres the info

5 peanut butter and jam sandwiches
1 bag of salad, with dressing
2 bags light popcorn

Pre-purge weight 167.0, post purge weight 159.6

today weight same :( 157.4 but to be honest 2 pounds in 2 days is fast and it could lead to putting weight back on

tomorrow is monday... measurement day and picture day... uggg i hope there has been some change

so my info for tonight…

my bp consisted of:

2 sandwiches
(2 kaiser rolls, ham, colby jack cheese, miracle whip light, turkey, provolone, miracle whip light)
1 pint ice cream
1/2 bag chips
1 box poptarts (4 packs, 8 poptarts)

Pre-purge weight: 168.6
Post purge weight: 159

Heart rate monitor stats:
Max hr: 167
Avg hr: 81
Calories burned: 1601
Fat burned: 208 g
Hr below 96: 5 hours 13 minutes
Hr between 96-124: 1 hour 9 minutes
Hr above 124: 1 hour 3 minutes

uggg i hate when my hands are so cold they hurt...

weight 157.4 alright... lets keep it going down before another plateau hits

Ive decided to log all my binge foods and then my pre and post purge weights... I dont know why but I feel like I need to.

I also need to start riding my bike at least every other day... get up off my fat ass and do it! Its cardio it will help burn fat...

alright will write more later... exercise stats and bp stuff

exercise stats for today
Heart monitor stats:
Max hr: 189
Avg hr: 81
Calories burned: 1594
Fat burned: 207 g
Hr below 96: 3 hours 13 minutes
Hr between 96-124: 57 minutes
Hr above 124: 1 hour 25 minutes

the exercise was walking today

hey... weight 158.4

i went to the store... even though it was really cold still... wind chill was 6 degrees... i HATE winter... spring equinox is still another 35-40 days away :(

I am really cold I *wish* I could turn up the heat... stupid heat costs too much :(

i forgot to write my exercise stats here yesterday so here they are, they are not great
Max hr: 157
Avg hr: 100
Calories burned: 1604
Fat burned: 208 g
Hr below 96: 6 hours 46 minutes
Hr between 96-124: 1 hour 6 minutes
Hr above 124: 33 minutes

i will have todays later

so i wanted to go to the store today... but its colder today that it was yesterday... ugggg

my weight 159.6 okay finally... but im not happy

im actually wearing my heart monitor... i havnt worn it the past couple days...

i am so cold...

uggg im frustrated... my weight 1st time today was 159.8 I was like what? thats it? so I picked up Tiger and weighed myself with him... 174.8... then I weighed myself again and now its 160.0 every time I weigh myself... I weighed myself with Tiger again and after Im still 160.0 I SUCK

im hungry too... i want to go to the store and get like sub stuff but im not going... its so windy out and cold I would not make it... i swear i would have hypothermia... the wind is almost 20 miles per hour... and its not even 20 degrees out... I went out to get the mail and was like NOPE not going to the store... if I had money in my wallet I would order out and have it delivered but i dont think i have enough... errrgggg

im really frustrated with myself or everything right now... I have been wearing these 3 pairs of jeans, they are getting big, they have been about 10-15 pounda ago, but they might just be biggish because im so fat i stretched them out... they are 14s... I have smaller pants in my closet but I am scared to try them on... I talked with my friend about it and because I have not really seen a big difference in my size I was going to wait till I was in the 150s to finally try on my smaller jeans (10s and 8s) but im still too fat and im just about in the 150s... so I told my friend i was gonna wait till I was in the 140s but she told me not too... it would be too much... So maybe 155? but im still fat...
im gonna put on a pair of 10s and rip them up the middle or something... Im scared
and its really frustrating that i can even allow myself a little to eat and keep in. I mean i dont really need it but I hate when I go and eat 2 dill pickles (10 calories) and I freak out... a banana and applesauce, or you know the binge foods... but those are definitley not to be kept in...
i just realized my frustration last night... i got up at the 2 dill pickles and 3 spoons of applesauce... and went and laid back down... after about 5 minutes i was like i cant do this... i weighed myself.. i was up, so i got cereal and ate 4 bowls of cereal with lots of milk... and purged... i bpd 3 times yesterday... just because i try to eat a little and keep it in and freak... i eat more and purge... I am so stupid

I am sorry for not writing yesterday... I was frustrated i didnt have any weight loss and was in a funk
so yesterday was monday... here are the measurements
Measurement day...
Hip: 38.5 
L R Hip: 33.5
Waist: 27.5 (28)
Breast: 32 
Neck: 12 
R Thigh: 20.5 (21) 
L Thigh: 20 (20.5) 
R U Arm: 9.75
L U Arm: 10
R Wrist: 5.5 
L Wrist: 5.5 
R Calf: 13.25
L Calf: 13.25 

there is a difference of 1.5 inches and I lost 2 pounds last week


exercise stats from yesterday:
Max hr: 176
Avg hr: 72
Hr below 96: 8 hours 6 minutes
Hr between 96-124: 1 hour 31 minutes
Hr above 124: 1 hour 52 minutes
Calories burned: 2505
Fat burned: 325 g

today... my weight is 160.0 damn it all so close to the 150s....  why not just .2 more!

its really cold here... wind chill of 4 degrees... uggg....

i got 3 of the books i ordered... yay more books to read... gotta finish the one im reading now but its not got me as hooked...

exercise stats:
exercise… i biked…
Bike stats:
25 minutes
level 5 resistance
9.16 miles
57.9 odometer
Calories burned: 337

Heart monitor stats:
Max hr: 179
Avg hr: 166
Calories burned: 1266
Fat burned: 164 g
Hr below 96: 58 minutes
Hr between 96-124: 1 hour 13 minutes
Hr above 124: 1 hour 22 minutes 

hey... still not feeling the best but ohh well...
weight 161.0 down a tiny bit... wish it were lower... I just want it in the 150s

I did some dishes...  uggg i HATE dishes... but they are piling up... im making a cake... yum...

I am so cold....

I think my weight might of been lower this morning but last night i ate 4 teaspoons of plain unsweetened applesauce, 2 dill pickle spears and 1 medium banana so that is just about maybe 130 calories but it was something in my stomach...

blah

uggg my lower left flank hurts… i think i pulled a muscle the other day when carrying in my groceries… turning wrong, bending over uggg…. just hurts… stupid muscles…

im gonna take my heart monitor off… so here are the stats from walking and just sitting here….
Max hr: 187
Avg. hr: 95
Calories burned: 1397
Fat burned: 181 g
Hr below 96: 2 hours 1 minutes
Hr between 96-124: 1 hour 2 minutes
Hr above 124: 1 hour 21 minutes

hey im not feeling great... i dont know what the heck is wrong with me... my muscles are sore and my stomach is nauseous... I feel like a fat turd

my weight 161.6 blah

i had to go to the store today to get my meds... uuggg its snowing a lot... got a couple things too but i dont want to eat yet...

im cold

im supposed to bike today... i wish i felt better

i want my weight to go lower...

its almost monday

Thank you Laila, I do well most of the time taking care of myself... yesterday was just particularly bad...

well i didnt go back to bed right away... i suck... i just bpd... but my after purge weight was only up .4 from this morning...

I think its about time for 1 lax... it will be 2 weeks tomorrow since going... but no cramps or anything this time... hmmm but i will just take 1 pill... it will take forever to work and wont make it like laxative diarrhea

i will take that tonight so hopefully by sunday i will have gone a little... i know i get little bits in there... and it gross's me out... gotta get it out

Well its after 4 in the afternoon, im still in bed... so tired...
i did gain... only .2 but i was up purging till 2

I got so freaked I started pulling some hairs with tweezers (you know down there bikini area) i do that sometimes but i spent 30 minutes and was being really compulsive...

I also bit the inside of my cheek some.... so nice swollen sore spot... dur stupid me

im not going to the store, im gonna try to go back to sleep so i wont eat...

okay seriously this night is shit too...
I ate some cereal with A LOT of milk and went and purged again... no more weighing today/night,,, uhh got up some little stuff from before (that made me gain) but i dont know what i am going to see on the scale tomorrow

and to really help things i took a sleeping pill... wasnt working so i took another... yuuuug Do you think on hypnotics you can hallucinate? well i was laying in bed trying to sleep and id open my eyes close them open... my sheets on my bed are bright pink/orange/purple stripes... its really pretty and soft... well i was looking at the other pillow it was close to my face and it looked like it was moving... i moved my head again and it looked like a row of spiders were walking down my pillowcase so i sat straight up and it looked like running water.... i felt it it was normal. I checked the bed no spiders... So i took the pillow case an just looked at it and it started like moving in the lines... I dont know how to describe it...
SOOO I just change my sheets to a pure white set

well damn it i never had 2 lunesta in one night... but seriously it is supposed to help you sleep within half an hour
grrrrrrr

i am disgusting, my evening weight is the highest its been in days. Im gonna gain tomorrow i know it, i rinsed and rinsed, im so shaky i cant rinse anymore. This hardly ever happens. Im 165.6 i got rid of 7 pounds but omg im not gonna be back to 161 im not gonna reach 150s im gonna be fat forever uggg i want to sleep for days. Lose the weight and be ok. But i have to go to the store tomorrow. And i cant fast, im fricken sucky at that. Uggggg alright im done gonna take a sleeping pill and sleep

exercise... heart monitor stats:
Max hr: 213 Yikes!
Avg. hr: 78
Calories burned: 2802
Fat burned: 363 g
Hr below 96: 5 hours 25 minutes
Hr between 96-124: 1 hour 47 minutes
Hr above 124: 2 hours 55 minutes 

I KNOW i dont have to Laila, but I WANTED to... i love you! What kind of battery does your scale take? if you can find the specific number for it... like mine is a CR2032 it looks like a silver coin, i might be able to get it for you and send it in your birthday gift.

hey just wanted to write somewhere... this AMAZING sandwich i just made... just finish while typing the above....
it started with an ordinary day... lol actually i wasnt feeling well and wasnt going to eat today... but my dad called and asked me to dinner with him... so i did... I ate with him... heck i ate so I came home figured I would eat more because I already ate and am going to have to purge. So I made some turkey bacon... on my george forman grill... made a blt... ehhh wasnt that good... i was rather disappointed... and then after eating a turkey sub and deciding not to cook the rest of the turkey bacon, but I had 5 pieces left cooked... so I...
Okay im gonna layer it like I ate it

roll
miracle whip light
lettuce
turkey bacon
ham
tomato
provolone
turkey
lettuce
chedder
turkey
lettuce
provolone
tomato
ham
turkey bacon
lettuce
miracle whip light
and bottom roll

OMG I just want to eat like a hundred of those.... !!!!!!! ahhh so good but im fulll........
guess what im eating TOMORROW!!!!!!
OMG i WANT IT

Laila, I am finally gonna be able to mail your birthday present... monday... <3 sorry its so late.

ugg im not feeling well today... my stomach is all gross...

I went grocery shopping... usually i like it because i think about binging... uk i was so nauseous still am

I am supposed to go work for my friend today but i dont know i dont feel good enough...

umm didnt post yesterday sorry... i wrote down my heart monitor stats on paper...
but didnt exercise

today... weight 161.8 thats down...  will have heart monitor stats later

hey... weight 163.0 same... blah... i had 200 calories last night that I did not purge... probably the cause of staying the same...

im freezing... i ate and purged... my after purge weight was 163.0 yay thats good...

i walked a bit today... had to go to the bank and i got chinese for dinner and went to the store...
had a horrible headache this morning...

heart monitor stats:
Max hr: 183
Avg. hr: 84
Calories burned: 1943
Fat burned: 252
Hr below 96: 1 hour 9 minutes
Hr between 96-124: 1 hour 16 minutes
Hr above 124: 2 hours 17 minutes