so im freaking out right now... i want to bp, i have like no food... I just want to sleep

the eval at the partial was well i dont know the right word to describe it
They think I may be too underweight to go, meaning I may have to go inpatient first.

I was really not happy about that.... but then they said my insurance is being very strict with people now adays because of budget cuts and I will only be allowed 25 days at the partial. that is 5 weeks. they think I will do better ip then go to the partial, i will be able to get more from the partial.

so the freaking out tonight is i really thought I was fine but im not. my potassium is low, and i still bpd today and took lax. I dont want to be hurting myself. my legs are hurting a lot tonight. I didnt think I was hurting myself but I am, i dont want to die from this. I want to be okay.

I called my therapist and told her that I think I want to be put on a psych unit until I can get to the eating disorder hospital. I dont want to be home and deal with the feelings of binging and purging. I cant deal with all that I am feeling right now. I just want to go back to feeling like everything is okay, but actually have me being okay.

I have been crying for the last hour or so... I have to get up early and go get bloodwork tomorrow... im scared my potassium has not righted itself.

What other damage have I done to myself? I cant deal with this.
I am going to bp... i have some broccoli in the freezer and some fish... i know its not much but maybe it will exhaust myself enough to pass out or sleep.

Today went okay i guess, im still freaking out a little though but I will get to that in a minute

I weighed in at 113.0 today, so I lost 4.8 pounds last week... cool

Therapy was ehh, my therapist actually was trying to do something productive (rather talk about my eating and weight over and over), we talked about my thoughts and me trying to figure out if they are true or false (sick thoughts)

I met with my friend we had lunch, I had this really good chicken caberra wrap thing, and my friend had lobster mac and cheese. I didnt know this place in town but yeah I am definitely going again sometime, just have to find someone to go with.

I worked for my friend for 2 hours... then she dropped me off at my dr appointment. While waiting to be seen I went and purged a little of my lunch... I know it wasnt all of it let alone half but it helped my thoughts a little

They did my height and weight... I am actually 5'11.25" so I am actually a quarter of an inch taller than I thought. I was not able to see my weight though. So I dont know what they think my weight is.

They did 2 ekgs, after the 1st one the nurse checked all the leads but they were all connected (I thought something was wrong for a minute) but nothing was said about it by my doctor.
My potassium is a little low though, not good... but my dr said I could fix it with eating or drinking gatorade so it is not that bad. I bought a bottle of G2, and I have to get repeat bloodwork on wednesday. She said I was dehydrated a little too. But I have been drinking all day so I dont know

I made $30 working for my friend, I was supposed to give $20 to someone for something but when I went to the store to buy the G2 I kind of lost my head, I bought what I could and spent all the money plus 31 cents from my bank account that has like 40 cents left in it.

I started eating as soon as I got home... now what Im freaking about still... I should have weighed myself before I started eating because after I was all done purging my weight is still 3 pounds up from this morning... I dont know how much of the lunch is still in my body but damn i dont want it in there...  I want to take lax but I  dont know if I should, well I know I probably shouldnt until I get my bloodwork done and make sure my potassium is better. But crap the food is turning to fat and im gonna gain more weight... uggg I am so frustrated... im mad too I just want to eat more and more... I am seriously just wanting to eat everything.

My bp was 11 pounds and I was not even full when I purged... but like my skin was all tight whereas when I have not binged my stomach skin hangs... but it looked like the skin of a pregnant lady all stretched...

I am so tired too but I want to bp again but I KNOW I dont have the energy to purge so I cant eat... uggg

tomorrow is the eval with the buffalo centre I will write about how it goes... but im gonna try to go to bed... hopefully sleep, then maybe I can get away from my thoughts for a little while.

I did drink 8 oz of G2 gatorade... so im trying to be okay.

Alright hi, I am so tired, I got like 3.5-4 hours of sleep, didnt fall asleep till almost 7:30 am... uggg I thought my weight would be crap because it usually is if I dont sleep well. But hey IM down! 113.6! I dont know how I am losing so fast right now. I am not doing anything differently. But hey I am not complaining

I am bping right now... 5 peanut butter and jam sandwiches and 2 turkey burgers, a chicken breast, and 2 cups of rice. I would eat more but I dont have much else to choose from.

I am worried about tomorrow... I know my therapist is going to ask me my weight I dont want to tell her but my doctor will find out tomorrow too. I was thinking of water loading or something but there is a part of me that doesnt want to. I am basically already going to treatment so they know I dont weigh as much as I should. I might be having lunch before the dr appointment.
my day is looking like get up and ready...
be at the lab by 8:45-9
go to therapy 10
go home 11 or meet friend then or 12
lunch with friend
work for friend
dr appointment 3:15
I would like to go home first but that is unlikely because I work for my friend for 2 hours usually
my case worker wants to meet me at the drs office and be there

uggg tomorrow is not looking fun although I do want to spend time with my friend.

Laila-yeah our frenemy (friend/enemy) ed is causing problems... ugg I have been taking the zyprexa for a couple days I havnt noticed anything yet so I hope all side effects stay away. Love you dear <3

so I didnt post yesterday... sorry i find it hard to post sometimes... yesterdays weight was 114.7 I am so glad I broke through this plateau I hope I can get to 110 before treatment but that is a lot to lose still.

I have a doctors appointment monday... the dr office messaged the lab and I have to go get a bunch of bloodwork done monday morning before therapy. I wont be able to eat anything after 8 pm tomorrow... I HATE when I have restrictions on when I can eat (when I dont make the restrictions)

Today my weight was up to 114.9 stupid fat me...

I bpd a little while ago got my weight up to 125.4, after purging I was 114.7, I like never get to my morning weight after a bp let alone lower ... I am glad its down, I hope tomorrow it is lower

Ive been kind of antsy and wanna do something but not sure what nor do I have the energy to do much. I wanna do some craft or something but I just keep looking through what I have not really finding anything to do, I have a crap load of stuff too ehh oh well

alright I guess that is it for tonight... <3

Hey Im sorry for not posting for a couple days. I have been extremely tired... its just too much energy to do much... Thinking to write a post is hard lol

well today my weight was 116.8 and 116.6 (I use 2 scales) I am surprised I am down, last night I ate 5 nutty buddy bars, 3 little debbie cakes and didnt purge right away because I had taken my meds right before I lost it and binged... I waited about 2 hours... then ate more and was like okay its been long enough my meds should be absorbed some and purged... I could still taste my meds though (ICK) I even took 2 lax before I purged... the meds must have got in my system because the lax worked even though I purged it.

so my appointment on tuesday with my psychiatrist went as I expected. She asked my case worker to sit in the meeting, she said that she will not see me any longer until after I get more treatment. I either had to get into the partial program with in the next 2 weeks or possibly be hospitalized. She gave me a new med to try... it causes weight gain (zyprexa) but she said it is a very low dose so it shouldnt, but that is what she said about the risperdal. I just picked the medication up from the pharmacy today so I am supposed to take it tonight.

I am trying to get my head wrapped around the thought of treatment... and gaining weight.

I am so tired I am not sure what else to write... I have a bowl of rice on the counter I want to eat but I dont have the energy to purge it so I cant eat it.

I had that almost pass out feeling last night (where i cant see/everything turns black), I walked from my room to the kitchen with it, I felt like my blood sugar was bottoming out, I had just purged... that is when I binged on the little debbie crap. I have not had that feeling in awhile.

I fricken bit my lip earlier and while walking back from the pharmacy I am spitting blood every few steps, it was gross but I couldnt swallow it. Then when binging earlier I bit it again... FRICKEN thing hurts and is swollen so its easier to bite. uggg

I accidentally over drew my bank account... CRAP I called my parents to see if I could borrow $20 to cover the negative so they dont charge me $35 for a $17 over draft. FRICKEN STUPID MONEY PROBLEMS

I have an evaluation with the eating disorder partial on tuesday. I dont know what to really think... ohh and my case worker called my doctors office and got me in there on monday... (surprised because my drs office called and moved my appointment to the beginning of august a week or 2 ago) So yeah I am thrilled about that... not really

im tired, im gonna go lay down
ohh look at my new mug, plate and spoon set

hey... weight 118.0 and 117.8 so 118.0

I am feeling very frustrated. I had therapy this morning... My therapist is at the point where she wants me in the hospital.
No one really seems to care that I feel fine.

My therapist says my judgement  doesnt not matter right now, my cognitive functions are decreased (yet I can still read and do other activities alright) I dont know

I like the sound of not bping and eating normally but as soon as I remember I will gain weight it is like a giant red stop sign in my head, saying STOP! YOU CANT GAIN WEIGHT! If I could get around that it would be better but right now that is enough to keep me from eating or keeping food down.

I feel really stuck. If I dont go to the partial I am going to be put in-patient but will the partial be helpful if I am not totally in for recovery? If I am only half way?

I was hoping transportation was not going to work out for me to go to the partial but a couple hours ago my case worker called and she told me they were able to figure it out. So the option for the partial is positively there.

I really dont know what to think, I was told to do some thinking but my thoughts just keep going in a circle
Its pointless

uggg... I think I am at a plateau weight wise... I have been stuck at 118-119 (plus or minus a pound) since the 21st of last month, alright enough is enough lets get this weight moving down again

I went over to my sisters for a little while yesterday, did laundry and hung around with Kayla. I brought some beads over and we decorated her crutches a little... and she made a bracelet and necklace.

At one point Kayla was beading and I was sitting next to her helping and her mom was making Kayla a hot dog and Kayla started telling her mom to make one for me, that I wanted one... I said no its okay... Kayla had already eaten one and she said I want only half, will you have the other half? I agreed... It was very strange for Kayla to be so adamant that I eat, I worry that I am scaring/worrying her with my weight loss. Maybe it was nothing but it was very strange.

I did alright today... I made it to 6 pm before I ate, I was thinking of fasting but then after taking a nap I just started eating... ehh oh well I dont really do fasting well anyway.

I have therapy tomorrow... I havnt heard anything from her or my case worker regarding treatment so we will see what she has to say tomorrow... I have my psychiatrist on tuesday...
My therapist should not complain I havnt lost any weight in the last few weeks... (which SUCKS)

I dont know... hey here are my guys... I love them SO MUCH!!!

hey... so yesterday i went with my friend to the drive in, we saw Cars 2 and Mr. Poppers Penguins, they were pretty good. I like spending time with friends, I hate how I dont have many and have too much social anxiety to really make new ones. But I like the friends I do have. They are the best.

I spent the night at her house, didnt sleep well but I usually dont at anyone elses houses
we stopped at Tim Hortons this morning... I got a bagel and muffin and ice capp.

I got home and did a couple things on the computer and went to the store and bought a few things and came home and binged... purged, my weight was 120 (not bad for little sleep and after bping) And I kept down light popcorn last night (took my own 200 cal bag with me to the drive in)

I laid down and took about an hour nap, got up went outside for awhile and read. Came in and binged... purged.   sat around using the computer... its about 10 pm now im finishing another bp

I am taking a normal dose of lax tonight, I may be going over to my sisters tomorrow, see the kids and do laundry. May end up spending the night... not sure what my weight is gonna do...

I havnt measured in almost 2 weeks... I feel so fat

My friend said I am very thin, I wish I could understand that. I 'understand' that my weight is lower and technically I am underweight but I still have so much fat on me. Wont it be okay if I just lose that? I dont understand... I know all this is absolutely ridiculous, I know it is the disorder messing with my thinking but uggg I hate not understanding sh*t

alright I gotta go purge and im tired so its bed time

Laila- I hate gaining from bping (well i hate gaining period)... usually my days are not as bad as that... I think partial is a good idea for some people but I dont really think I need it. I feel fine... yeah my eating is not great but who in america is really that healthy of an eater? a high percentage of americans are unhealthy eaters and are subsequently overweight/obese... im just trying to stop myself from being like that... i dont know... that arguement doesnt sound as convincing as it did in my head lol

so thank goodness i did not gain today... still 118.8 THANK GOODNESS
I didnt end up taking lax last night... i said to wait and make sure the mucus stuff stopped... I think I will take them again friday, I really am surprised that I am taking them so often again... I am not taking bunches but I thought I would stick to taking them once every other week but now its several times a week. but I only take 1-2 pills so it shouldnt be messing with my electrolytes or anything...  im kinda just waiting for them to stop working though and then needing to increase them. thats what happened before... when i was bad with them

i bp'd 2 times today... purging was a bit easier the first time... surprised... the second time was not bad but not great... my night weight was 120.4 better than the 122.2 of last night (or the 126.2 after the bad purge yesterday)

I am going to go grab a popsicle... NOT BP

I have been so tired the past week... i tell you last night waking up and going to the bathroom and stuff I felt so drugged (didnt take sleeping pill either) I woke up and fed Tiger this morning and could barely keep my eyes open... then when my case worker called to see me I set my alarm for 12:30 am instead of pm, woke up at 12:55 and could still hardly wake up... case worker showed up at 1:10 (thankfully she was late) I barely looked presentable lol

I ended up taking a nap at 4 i think and slept till 7 but could have slept longer but forced myself to get up and eat (i wanted to eat)... im ready to pass out again... my head is heavy... my eyes are heavy... so im gonna wrap this up, i need to take my meds and just sleep

im gonna go garden for nancy tomorrow and then going out with a friend to the drive in... hopefully  i wont freeze at that (gonna wear pants and bring a sweater, but it is supposed to be in the 70s tomorrow)

alright... i will try to post tomorrow but cant guarantee it <3

ohhh Kayla got her cast re-wrapped for the permanent cast (for the 6 weeks)

ohhh crap... i know i am CRAZY

i went to get a drink to take my meds and lax with... seriously... im crazy... i started eating... wtf... i thought well im gonna take lax so just eat... umm no... i binged again... purged again... got my weight to 130.8 WTF I have not seen that with a binge in a few weeks or more!
But I purged better... maybe because I was just so full? I dont know sometimes I binge again to get up what I couldnt earlier... so I think that was in the back of my head...

well got my weight down 4 more pounds than I could last purge... but im still up about 3 pounds...
im a little nervous about taking lax even though i need to, i didnt take any last night but the night before I did and yesterday i didnt go hardly but i had gas so i know the lax did stimulate my intestines... well today ive had a bit of mucus... ive had that before but usually with bowel movements... maybe i wont take as many as i was going to

uggg i have done too much today... i have sores on my tongue

uggg i feel crazy

I f*d up... had 2 okay bps and went for another... should have stopped while I was ahead...

made some asparagus (was initially thinking of keeping it down) but started eating other stuff... so nope...

well i ate biscuits too... that was it but it was 16 biscuits and a bunch of asparagus... well my body wont give them up... damn it... I keep drinking and purging that but its not bringing it up... I can feel a hard lump where my stomach is... the stupid biscuits must have stuck all together... even though I drank about 50 oz when actually eating them...

I cant keep trying to purge... my kidneys are being hyperactive now... that is usually a sign it has been a 'stressful/successful' purge... i tried to think what changes in my body happen to suddenly cause mass production of urine... but the only possible explanation i can think of is a change in my electrolytes... so i cant purge any more tonight... i am taking 4 times as much lax as i usually use to try to get this crap out of me quick...

I did get rid of 3 pounds purging but I am still 7-8 up from this morning... I have not been this heavy in awhile... and god tomorrow my weight is gonna still be horrifying...

had therapy today... my therapist is trying to get me into a partial program... trying to set up transportation... if she can set it up she is starting the referral process she said. I told her I hope the transportation falls through because I dont need this. I am okay medically and physically and mentally... so why waste anything on me... i dont really need it.

but my therapist said she and my psychiatrist and case worker and doctor wont let me starve myself to death (not what i am doing, i am losing fat, im not gonna die, my health is FINE)

uggg so i gotta go pee again... later <3

hey... weight same as yesterday 119.8 but i cant complain because I was at a picnic/party all day yesterday so I am glad I didnt gain

Yesterday was eventful... bad news first... Kayla broke her leg, she was bike riding a fell somehow, she broke the tibia up near her knee...

She missed the picnic and fireworks but she is doing okay now

At the picnic things were good, my sister Mandy asked me to keep an eye on her little one (Pierce, almost 2 yrs old) and she would pay me... so I kept busy running around with him, and even going in the bounce house jumping with him... Let me tell you Pierce is very active! (what 2 yr old isnt)
So I definitely burned more calories and made $20 doing it.

I purged 2 times at the picnic, (when i was no longer responsible for Pierce), I only ate when i knew i was going to purged. I didnt have anyone give me gripe for my weight or eating (thank goodness). My sisters dads wife asked me some questions, asked if my weightloss was on purpose, kind of odd talking to her because i see her maybe once a year...

Good news... the lax i took the night before worked before the picnic so i was alright
I took lax last night and im not sure how to take this but didnt really make me go just gave me gas... i dont know if that means I purged good and there was nothing in me (a good thought) but that also means the weight being up to 119.8 means real weight gain... Not GOOD

I have therapy tomorrow... not sure what is going to happen... probably not much...

I took a picture of the bathing suit I bought... (I wore it when the fireworks were going off, everyone was watching them and I got in the hot tub) Nice because I had it all to myself.

ohh and the picture of my sunburn... it still gets red at night...

Alright... ive got to get going... binging right now gotta purge soon... had 3 bps today

Alright I gotta make this quick... its late... weight was up today :( 118.2 not sure why... just fluctuating I guess... I will be taking lax tomorrow night... Got a party/picnic tomorrow...

My niece and nephew are sleeping over tonight... ate with them a couple times... was able to purge after (dinner)

Made a crapload of cupcakes... I have to frost them tomorrow but I made the frosting already... i just have to add vanilla flavoring I forgot that... I will take pictures of the cupcakes...

I bought a new bathing suit too... Will take a picture of that too...

I made popcorn on the stove today... it was pretty good but man very oily... not sure if I will continue doing it that way... (my first time was tonight)

I just ate about 12 cookies and some potatoes after the popcorn... gotta go purge in a minute, Kayla is sleeping, nick is getting there... really tired...

Thats why I gotta wrap this up he is sleeping in the living room... so later, I am not sure I will be able to get on at all tomorrow... <3

Laila- I am so glad you are alright and was just on vacation... im trying to be healthy-ish... not acting stupid with my health (well any more stupid than the ed)... I dont know when I will know anything... maybe a little something tuesday but we will see, I will write as soon as I know anything. Love you Laila

hey... weight 117.4

I sunburned my legs... oops... at least its only my legs... i took a picture... lol will post it tomorrow maybe

I had 3 bps today... got money so they were good...
I made fried dough earlier... it was alright at first but after a couple bites I just tasted oil so I ended up throwing the rest out... I couldn't make myself eat it when it turned to oil when I chewed it. I used crescent roll dough so that made it too flaky too... ehh so if I ever try to make it again I will use like biscuit dough... but I dont like using boiling oil on the stove so I may not make it again

uggg i hope my sister doesnt bail on taking me grocery shopping tomorrow... I wouldnt put it past her though

I need to make 3 dozen cupcakes for the party/picnic on sunday

i have this bruise on my right hipbone... i was not sure what caused it but when I went for a walk earlier I noticed it is from my purse... yeah my purse hits my hipbone (or puts enough pressure on it) to cause a bruise... odd

im tired and i guess i dont have as much to write as i thought... will write tomorrow