????....Pregnant niece!....uggg??????

Alright it is a little late, I got home from my sisters a little while ago (well like and hour and a half ago)... I am eating... planning to purge... I need to go to bed then, I have therapy in the morning... I am tired anyway... I was up at 9 this morning...

it is warmer than yesterday at this time... its 21 degrees YAY a little warmer... but it is still FREEZING!

I found out my niece is pregnant (hence the baby things on my blog) I am glad it is now rather than years ago, heck even 2 years ago, I am glad it is with who she is with now and not her old boyfriend. She is 19 but I believe she has a good head on her shoulders... one thing she has to do is stop smoking.

I feel like agitated or something... I have this NEED to purge or something... I am not full yet so I dont know

Uggg ok I dont have anything to write about... I gotta go finish eating so i can purge and go to bed.
<3
~Kristi
=^..^=

changing, freezing, weighing...

uggg okay let me try this again... my computer just shut me out I had to restart the whole stupid thing and lost what I had already typed.

I just finished moving my living room around, I kept getting out of breath, how frustrating. I hope with the living room changed it will be warmer, I have the 2 wall heaters completely free, nothing in front of them. I hope the heat will disperse better. But as of right now I am still freezing. ugggg

Okay so yeah freezing, I just looked at the temperature... its -3 degrees, Yes that is the actual air temperature a fricken negative 3. Wait ohh and the wind chill is -14. Can I say I HATE WINTER!!!!!

I actually weighed myself today, 155.6 not bad considering I thought I was 165-170, I could have sworn I gained A LOT. I feel like it.

Ohh oh good news for me... I got my check today it was direct deposited, I was surprised because I wasn't supposed to get it till Monday. Can you believe I withheld myself from going to the store? It is a miracle lol. But yeah I am definitely going to the store tomorrow. I am excited... why because I get to buy food? Yep but do I even know what kind of food I want? NOPE!

Uggg I need a shower my hair feels gross.... I will get one in the morning... my fingers are so cold...
Alright thats it for tonight.
~Kristi
=^..^=

what a day, what a day, what a day

Today has been one of those days... uggg

I go up in the morning and went to the bank, pharmacy and store. It was freezing... uggg

I got home was on the computer for a little while, after a few hours I went and took a nap. I had eaten and purged before taking the nap.
Since being up I have eaten and purged 3 more times... the $12 worth of food I bought is just about gone... a box of cereal, milk, cookie mix and 4 muffins.... Yes all carbs

uggg i dont even dare weigh myself... I am scared to.

The 1 lax I took last night did not progress much besides air... so 2 tonight... I always crave the feeling of the empty but when the lax are actually working I HATE it. I always forget how much... tell myself i will never do it again.... I forget though... Like I can say all this but it doesnt make me 'remember' the actual pain?
I dont know how to describe it.

Uggg at the end of my second purge today I had MAJOR acid... it is really wierd, I take a maximum dose of acid reducer medication and usually dont have a lot of acid problems... but ohh my gosh i threw up like 1/2 cup straight acid... ohhh not fun or nice

its just about 11 pm... i am ready to go crawl in my bed and get warm...

I am thinking of moving my living room around... maybe tomorrow... we'll see
alright I guess that is all for tonight...
~Kristi
=^..^=

busy day, work, tomorrow, cold

Hey lovely ladies,
Its been a long day, I had to get up early because I had a psychiatrist appointment... It went ok. On the way there riding with my case manager the roads were bad... we started sliding, almost slid into another car. I was so scared. Uggg

After I got home from my appointment, I used the computer a bit and made some crap food, purged.

I went and worked for my friend, I got $30, I have to put at least $15 in the bank tomorrow to cover my overdraft before they charge me extra.

I have to go to the pharmacy also... it is supposed to be cold... but friday it is supposed to not even be 15 degrees... we may be getting 7-10 inches of snow tomorrow with winds near 30 miles per hour... I just want to HIBERNATE

I wish winter was over. I HATE being cold.

I am still a cow, I have purged twice today but didnt get everything up the first time, I kept drinking water and purging but it wouldnt come up, I took one laxative... not a lot but hopefully it will stimulate my body to go to the bathroom. If it dont I shall take 2 tomorrow.

There is a show on next it is 'I am pregnant and...' This episode will be ...have and eating disorder...

ok i guess this is all for tonight I am really cold and tired
HUGZ
~Kristi
=^..^=

therapy? whats the point

Hey my loves...
I saw my therapist today... a lot of good that did. I was stressing over the no real food and wanting to purge.
I vented some and then she went on some tangent telling me how i need to do this and this and this. How she has told me over and over again and I am just not listening.

I do listen to her... I know I should eat more than I do, I know if I eat several times a day it will help my metabolism, I know it is not good to purge, I know these things.

I try them, I try days of trying to eat several times a day. I cant take the weight gain. Yes she has told me that I will in the long run likely lose weight. I try over and over... I give up though, I cant stick with it. The no desire to eat during the day (like forcing myself to eat) doesnt suit well, and then my desires to purge. I know purging is not good, if I weighed less I might be more inclined to stop but right now... I cant stop I am already a cow.

I dont know... I am so frustrated. I gained also... what the frick!!!! I am going to start purging EVERYTHING!!! if that dont work, rinsing too. UGGGGGGG I will start walking too... I plan on that anyway.
Uggg

I lost power 5 times last night... 4 times in a row like 5 minutes apart. stupid answering machine kept beeping... scared Tiger... The I lost power again and it stayed off for i think an hour...

Tomorrow I am taking back my soda bottles maybe I will get a dollar something... *fingers crossed*
Well thats it for tonight...
Love you ladies
~Kristi
=^..^=

withdrawal, medication, food, friends

Ok short post (ha thats what I said last night)

Ummm well I think I figured out the headaches and extreme sleepiness, yet not being able to sleep. I think I was going through withdrawal from 1 of my medications... I had planned to go to the pharmacy days ago but kept putting it off. 'too tired'

So I forced myself to go today... with the intention to go back to bed when I got back. I was a little overcome when I was at the pharmacy... I took a few things... and was trying to buy some things (food) I took a few things incase my bank card wouldnt work. It worked.... I spent $10.

I have eaten almost all of it... I am trying to save the last for tomorrow.... uggg

I am so ready for bed now.... I stayed up, my headache has gone for now... it is almost 11 pm now...

I need to seriously start working out... I think that is the big thing with my stalled weightloss... and the fact that I cant stick to low carb. but I used to lose weight on what I eat now... so it must be the exercise right now... metabolism has slowed even more?

Shannon if you are reading this. Please take care, I am worried about you. Please please take care of yourself. I love you
Love you guys
~Kristi
=^..^=

foodfoodfoodfoodfoodfoodfoodfoodfoodfoodfoodfoodfood

Hey my  loves... I am just doing a short post... my weight has not changed, for which i am actually glad because I had been sure it had gone up... Last night i went a little more crazy... at like 12:30 am I had 'had it' my mind was totally consummed... I was was frantic.. I was hungry, if I had money it would have been a binge... I found an old cookbook... nothing stood out. I dont really have much persay to make stuff either... some baking ingredients... eggs, butter, some frozen veggies, turkey burgers, tuna, chicken ohh and cheese... thats pretty much what I have...

I got online for a few minutes... I found a recipe site that you put in the ingredients you have and dont have and they give you ideas... i put in flour, eggs, and no milk.... it came up with some cookie recipes... I was DONE... I made some cinnamon/sugar cookies... only it would have taken too long to make them all into little cookies so I spread it out on the pan like cake batter... thats what it turned out as.

I ate a bunch of it last night so i purged but i know i didnt get it all... took a little lax... not a lot. so that maybe the only reason i didnt gain.

I have had a headache all day.  Uggg I was to go to the pharmacy today but because of the headache I did not move to go. I shall try to go tomorrow.

I had asked my sister earlier this week about going over for the weekend. I had began to change my mind... I heard a lot of fighting over there from my father... I dont want to be around that... and I wouldnt just be able to leave if I was tired of it. My sister had to work all weekend. so yeah... I hadnt talked to my sister but she never called or anything anyway so she must have forgot about me wanting to come over... All is ok though... Last night I was like I should go over... they have food! Uggg how rude of me!

I dont know... uggg my head is really hurting so I am going to go... Love you ladies
~Kristi
=^..^=

uggg... sleep... wake... weight... eat?

Uggg I did not feel very well today... massive headache... so TIRED! I am so cold also... I just want to stay in my bed all warm.
OMG when I was sleeping last night twice, I had these electrical pulses through my back. OMG I woke up grabbing my back. seriously I think I cried out. Tiger came running in the room one time... AND give you he NEVER comes running... he likes to meander in when he pleases. Not likely when he is called. So I must have made some noise that scared him as well

my body is sooooo tired I cannot explain it. I am glad I dont have any real obligations for going anywhere most of the day... if I did I surely would miss a lot.

My weight was down 1.5 lbs... YAY!!! I have yet to eat anything today but I know I will... who know what though... i dont have a lot of choices...

Alright I guess this is it for tonight...
HUGZ
~Kristi
=^..^=

sleep...eat...purge...eat...sleep

I have been stuck... whats new...  I didnt eat anything yesterday till 8pm I wasnt going to eat then but I found myself just eating. I slept. and slept... I read for 2 hours last night and went back to bed. I am so tired lately. I had another nightmare about Tiger. I wish those would stop.

So I figured since I slept quite a bit yesterday, I would get up earlier today... I woke up at 7 am because of Tiger but laid back down, but then I was stuck, I just couldnt get out of bed. My father called at 4 pm and wanted to come over because he left for class too early and didnt want to drive back home. So I was up then... I ate and purged once, I am hungry but dont have a lot of choices for food...

I did eat and keep 2 turkey burgers with a little ketchup.
My weight has been stuck  for awhile now.still 156

Ifound a cheap treadmill online... 150 yeah its cheap it is manual too so I can really work myself to work it. Maybe next month... I dont have the money but I can take it out of my food budget. I dont want to eat all that much anyway. I wish my sister never got rid of my exercise bike... that cost 90 jeez she didnt even ask. just gave it away or threw it out, she doesnt remember.

I am so tired... what the heck am I supposed to do? I keep maybe 400 calories aday in... what? I purge anything too caloric. Even if I ate nothing I doubt I would lose weight. It is really pissing me off. I am TOO FAT!!!

I need to lose 25 lbs like now!
Night ladies
~Kristi
=^..^=

parents, dinner, purge, store, eat, purge and eat and purge and eat and purge

Uggg yeah ok i totally suck... i was doing okay when i got up today, but at 5 pm my parents called wanted me to go out with them for dinner. Uggg okay not to sound nasty but seriously they would do everything to not have me around when I was younger but now I am annoyed that they want to be around me. I find it very frustrating, I dont know if they are truly wanting to be around me or are they trying to get information or dirt or whatever on me or my sister or the kids. Ok yeah i sound paranoid sorry

So Yeah i went out to eat with my parents, ate carbs... (are you surprised), I had broiled chicken parmesean. Good... Once I got home I purged it all... and then after being home for half an hour I got up put heavier pants on and went to the store. I Never go to the store when it is really dark out. But I had it in my head I already blew the day by eating the dinner... So I bought junk... ate and purged twice... uggg

I will likely purge once more before bed.

Thank you Laila, I got your letter earlier today... it was a nice surprise. I didnt think you had mailed it yet. It wasnt a book but I liked the length... I know mine is shorter, I have a hard time just writing... I want to write something meaningful but I dont really have much of that.

Well thats it for now... its late and I need to finish eating so i can purge...
Love you,
HUGZ
~Kristi
=^..^=

ugggg

Well, here I am another day. It is supposedly warmer but I am still freezing. I am so sick of the cold.
Less than an hour ago I was ready to just go back to bed, I was just so cold.

I have had all three of my workers (therapist, case manager and depaul worker) ask me this week about purging. Is it obvious? I havnt only lost like 5 lbs. so its not that, hell they dont notice when I lost 10 unless I am wearing something slimming.

I floored Brenda once when she asked what I was weighing, I had told her and she was like but thats like 10 lbs less than the last time I knew (she knew). I was pissed because well how can you not see a 10 pound difference? I see the 5 pound difference.

I need to get a hold of myself though, I need to stop with the ridiculous carb addiction. Do either one of you know what the average carbohydrate consumption should be? I know it should be 40% of your diet right?
So me doing the 20 net carbs is that too little to start with when my brain is so addicted?

I need to lose this weight but I am too LAZY to do like a exercise video. I wish my sister didnt get rid of my exercise bike. Heck, I want a treadmill. Shannon watch out! lol ehh its too heavy and too far away to borrow. uggggg

I could walk and watch tv, listen to music, even use my laptop with this table that i have. uggg i would never have enough money for one anyway so why wish.

I am so tired. I am ready for bed. I sat straight up from a nightmare last night. My heart was racing and I was sitting right up. It took me 2 hours to fall back asleep,  I dont even remember what the nightmare was.

Alright this is it for tonight.
Love you girls,
~Kristi
=^..^=

sadness... failure... and cold

I dont know what I am doing, I was looking through a blog, just then was thinking about my old friend Brent. I found his video again. It makes me so sad but I feel compelled to watch it over and over. I know I didnt know him as well as other people have but for people to understand what he meant/means to me is pretty much impossible.

I feel like crap, His parents were/are so nice to me, I shut them out. I need to talk to her (his mom) Let her know I still am around, that she still matters.

I went all day yesterday doing well, today yeah not so much. I ate and purged twice but I think I will again. I just broke in with the carbs today.

I made it yesterday with 12 net carbs which is good but it was close to 1000 calories. Which was DISGUSTING. But I went from 161 to 157.8? ?? Not sure if it is real or not. I shall do the low carb thing again tomorrow. Try for at least 2 days this time, I did make it 1 full day. I read that if you can go 3 days without a lot of carbs you wont crave them as much, I think if that is true it is logically for all physiological cravings, not the emotional.

Alright I need to go get warm again, it is 3.8 degrees here, the wind chill is a -8 degrees
I love you girls
~Kristi
=^..^=

low-carb... weight... purging... norway... freezing... YEP NOTHING NEW

Hey ladies,
I am thinking of doing the low carb/ atkins thing. I am so disgusted with myself and my body. I weigh as much now as when I got out of treatment last january. It is disgusting. Why the heck has this happened? I dont think I am binging I eat once a day, but I stopped purging for a few weeks. I just purged tonight though. I wasnt going to but I wanted to finish the higher carb things in the apartment so when I start my new diet I wont have the easy access to fail.

But purging tonight was good for a little bit but then my muscles in my legs wouldnt stop shaking, I thought maybe my bloodsugar had dropped, I was lightheaded and shaky and nautious. So I got some light and fit yogurt and ate a couple of spoonfuls of it my legs just shaking away while I was standing. I thought I was going to fall over lol.

The severe shaking has stopped. I really need to not purge. I am not sure how long to give the atkins diet though... they say you lose in the first 2 weeks generally but if I start to gain I cant continue. I have gained enough already. I think my body is revenging me (umm like punishing me?)

I was searching online for airfare to Norway and I found a cheaper on for $534 I thought okay I could try to save that, then I clicked on it for more information and the Taxes and fees cost another $433 Jeez! uggggg stupid MONEY!!!!!!

Alright I am freezing, I am going to go hibernate in bed. and TRY to get warm.
HUGZ
~Kristi
=^..^=

>:-(SNOW!!! }:-(

Oh My God, I am seriously considering moving to the southern united states... I HAVE to get away from the snow.... we have almost 3 feet and I was just watching the news and the meteorologist  said to expect to double what we have gotten in the next 3 to 5 days. I had to walk to therapy today I tried to stay on somewhat cleared sidewalks but I would have to go through foot deep snow... It would be cleared again and a couple hours later another few inches on top. UGGG I HATE SNOW!!
It is so depressing, I am ready to close myself off from the outside. Close the curtains, stop leaving the apartment for any reason until spring. I know the degree of isolation is not entirely possible, i still have to go to the grocery store at times and then therapy. Otherwise I can stay inside, I didnt even check the mail, I dont wanna go out.

It is 18 degrees right now but the wind chill is 9 degrees, its not as cold as it was a few days ago. We have a Lake snow warning also.
Uggggggg This stupid weather is so distracting also, I keep thinking about it, my brain is not letting it go. UGGG

Stay warm my loves,
~Kristi
=^..^=

... ... ...

Hi ladies, I am sitting here after a sucky day... I feel like crap I am going home sunday... I cant believe how much that has depressed me. I thought I was wanting to go home and I think I do want to go home on some level but I dont want to be alone.

I am sick of this weather too... I need to move somewhere where the climate is more consistant.

I feel broken inside... I dont know how to explain it.

Laila, I am glad to hear a letter is in the works... When I get home I plan on mailing you something.
I love you girls
~Kristi
=^..^=