Ahh hey Loves...
Laila, yes I do weigh myself at night otherwise I dont see the weight go down.

I walked a little... 8.04 miles...  I overdrafted my bank account... and bought a couple food things... spent 7 dollars...

ate and purged...

getting ready to go to bed...

i have been thinking... what good does that really do for me 'i know' but I was thinking of maybe getting fake nails to see if it would help me decrease my purging.... but then when the other night I purged and got some blood and that didn't stop me from purging then why would fake nails? It would only potentially make it more dangerous.

How do I stop purging?  I know I should eat more... i can't do that without purging.... so there I am stuck

I know logically if I eat 3 times a day... space it out... eat snacks... I wont eat as much at once... how do I get myself to physically put that into action. I try but then cant stick with it.

I dont know... perhaps I am just supposed to be this way... like i was thinking last night how yes I like to walk but I hate my demands on it... my rules... i want it to just be relaxing.

I dont know too much thinking right now...
~Kristi
=^..^=

hey... yeah Laila I have Fat days... to me thats all I have...

I was 156.4 today... but after my walk i was 155.2 BUT now at the end of the day I am 160.2 BLAH!!!!!!!

I walked 7.98 miles... not bad but not good...

i guess this was just a short thing... im heading off to bed... night my loves
~Kristi
=^..^=

uggg blah blah... I am so FAT... Fatty mc fat ass... blah
I was 157.6 this morning BLAH

I got off my arse and walked today... 8.97 miles... uggg should have done more... always should do more.

Whats new... i am hungry... ahh thats not new... no money till friday... trying to keep my mind still with not thinking about the crazy amounts of food i want to buy.

I skipped therapy today... i can do it once in awhile... ugg im tired... time to go

uggg I am such a fat ass... it has been raining all day... i want to walk but not in this.
My scale still says FAT... no weight change UGGG why? I keep in like 500 calories a day maybe. I purged 2 times yesterday... uggg
I almost passed out last night... I got up after laying down for a couple hours. got up and everything moved sideways... i fell to the bed. Then I made it to the bathroom... standing up from using the toilet my legs almost gave out... I grabbed the sink but steadied myself. What the heck? I drank some G2 gatorade yesterday and I dont even do that usually... Maybe it was my meds... I had a HORRIBLE headache last night too so maybe that was it.

alright that is it for tonight, maybe more later

hey... found out that at the candlelight vigil last night i made the newspaper...http://thedailynewsonline.com/articles/2010/04/24//news/orleans_county/6692197.img
http://thedailynewsonline.com/articles/2010/04/24/news/orleans_county/6692197.txt

uggg hey... i noticed just now that when I wrote yesterday i said when i weigh myself i was fat... how could i ever just say WAS fat... I AM FAT , always will be.

I walked for 2 hours... but I am a failure... at least I feel that way because I didnt make it to the same miles as yesterday. 10.45 miles... uggg all at once... but yesterday 2 trips ...

i am so tired... i feel as if all i want to do is walk and sleep... i dont even care to really watch the shows i watch

uggg alright... i dont have much to say sorry
~Kristi

Hey loves... I am confused... I just got back from the candle light vigil for crime victims... its crime victims awareness week... I know why I go, but why do I go to feel so bad? I go to support the cause... but the feelings going leaves me with are not nice. I want to drink or take a bunch of pills to not feel... Of course I have neither that would make me not feel.

I was FAT today when I weighed myself... i am not surprised... 158... BLAH... according to a website http://www.halls.md/body-mass-index/bmi.htm I am in the 36th percentile of americans my height... that means 64 % of women my height weigh more than I do. that kinda makes me feel good... probably mean of me though... If I can get my body back to 135, 90% of people my height would weigh more than me... too bad I couldnt get everyone my height to weigh more than me. then I might be thin enough.

I walked... did well with that. 12.19 miles, 1095 calories burned (by pedometer) heart rate monitor was so far only 1850 calories and 240 grams of fat

I transfer all the change in my savings account to my checking and then returned my soda bottles... got 8 dollars... bought bread, peanut butter and jam... ate a few pieces of bread already...

BLAH okay well I guess that is it... i want to go eat a can of pineapple but i cant... i have a huge canker sore on my tongue and it hurts like hell... pineapple would make it hurt WORSE
HUGZ
~Kristi
=^..^=

have been all tired and worn out today... stupid me...
i had my appointment with my case worker today... went alright...
i went back to bed after...

my sister called asked if the kids could come spend the night... i said yeah... i texted her  an hour or so ago said that i would need them to bring a few things i had no milk, cereal or bread. so she texted me if i needed money then... i said no as long as they can bring a few things... then she said never mind the kids can stay home.
UGGGg i hate that I was ready to watch the kids, no i wasnt asking for money but I want the kids to be able to eat. It is one thing for me to deny myself food but to deny them... sorry that is not me...

uggg she really annoyed me... i texted her a very long text but she hasnt answered. I tried calling twice and tried my nephews phone as well... no answers
alright good night my loves...
~Kristi
=^..^=

uggg yeah fat... im fat... fatter...
I came home tonight... weighed myself... UGGG FAT between yesterday and today I was up A LOT... I was 165.4 YUK I purged and was down to 162.8 yes it is night time so that will be helpful as tomorrow morning I should be lower.

I worked on the cabnet at my sisters all day... no real walking... sanding, scraping, painting and staining... for hours... uggg but it is just about done... have to finish off the hinges and reattach the doors...

alright i will write tomorrow... i am beat... hugs

hey loves... i was down from 160 yesterday to back to 158 today... i cant believe I gained 4 pounds with the meal on sunday.
Today will be just as bad though... at my sisters... went to the mall with my niece... ate at the mall with her and her step sons...

then back at my sisters I ate a little of what they had for dinner (just the potatos)... i want popcorn but I believe I have eaten WAY too much so it will not happen. Going home tomorrow night...

walked before I came to my sisters and then walked at the mall... good day walking wise...10.3 miles burned 867 calories...  heart monitor says for the day I burned 336 Grams of fat and 2593 calories... not horrible but pretty bad for eating what I did today...

Alright thats it... im rather tired and I cannot sleep in tomorrow
HUGZ
~Kristi
=^..^=

hey loves just a short post i know i havnt posted in a few days sorry

I am still huge... still fat... if I didnt eat and purge last night I may have been lower weigh... i was 156.2.... BLAH!!!

I shall most definitely be higher tomorrow... I ate at my sisters... too much, tried to purge but at my sisters there is no lock on the bathroom door...  I am still hungry now... uggg

Alright i gotta go my nephew is spending the night and he is looking tired so I ought to let him sleep... turn off the computer and lights...
HUGZ
~Kristi
=^..^=

uggg my fatness is smothering me... I wish for it to stop consuming my body and get the hell over with it and go after my brain, make it not worry... make it stupid and not care.

I am so tired right now... last night was crap sleeping.. fricken neighbor apartment person Snores so fricken loud I can HEAR it right through my walls... I moved my bed at like1 am hoping it could help me sleep... still heard the f*n neighbor. I hit the walls a couple times but the person did not wake. I do not know if it is a girl or boy, whichever is a HORRID snorer. UGGGGg

I failed to weigh myself today, so afraid to see the over consuming fat in actual numbers. I MUST weigh myself tomorrow though. Enough with the fear of this fat... I need to acknowledge how gross I am... CHANGE it.

I walked... my legs felt like they would fall off... so heavy... but I only did 7.04 miles... Kept my heart rate up the whole time so that was good... but it is still not enough... i drank a iced cappuccino... not worth the calories

uggg i have no idea even how to think appropriately right this second... i am like stupid brained and just plain FAT... uggg CRAP PERSON I AM!

I need to sleep... real sleep... then walk... dont stop... need to stop eating too... I eat and purge, enough though, i cant keep it so cant eat it. i have to stop. I keep so little its not worth it... I must walk more... and more... i am too fat to sit on my ass... but that is what i do... vegetate and get fatter

enough
~Kristi
=^..^=

ugggg ok i might as well write...
I am still the fattest pig in the universe but we knew that already so nothing new there.

I got off my ass today and walked... 9.45 miles... too bad it wasnt 10...

I didnt weigh myself today or yesterday, i really dont want to see the fatness I have become. or the worsening of it.

I have been going a little crazy... my sisters ex (Charlie) I wrote a little about him here and there... well he has been really fixated on Kayla, it is really concerning. Renee moved out of her old house and left Charlie, since then Charlie calls, texts, and tries to see Kayla, NOT NICK at all... JUST KAY

Ok yeah he could just miss her, but he was around Nick for those 3 years too... AND when renee and him were together he was the one always yelling at Kay. Nick never mattered.

Now last week Charlie saw Kay at her dance practice, he gave her a rose. that was weird. I got a knot in my stomach. After dance Renee let Charlie take Kay home... ALONE and guess what Kay had a horrible mood shift again, was misbehaving, not acting well in school and wet the bed again. (after not wetting the bed in a while)

THAT IS NOT A GOOD SIGN

I saw renee last thursday, rode with her to an appointment she had in Greece, Charlie text me asking if renee and I were going back to her house (I didnt tell him I was with her)... I said no, he said ohh I saw you guys out on ridge road (we are on that road but it is a VERY long road). I said yeah

5 minutes later as we Just walked in to the Joann Fabrics store, i got a text saying have fun in Joanns... Okay SERIOUSLY Greece is not a little town! its a fricken 4 lane road, tons of businesses and how the HECK did he know where we were? He MUST have been following us.

I stopped answering him because I was weirded out and nervous. after we got done at the store, he had started texting renee to try to talk to kay, ok renees psychiatrist thinks something is wrong with the way charlie is focusing (almost obsessed) with Kay. Renee was going to let Kay talk to him, I took renees phone and said NO she does NOT need to talk to him, something is going on and it needs to stop. Renee looked at me and said 'oh yeah'

IM SORRY BUT i hate the fact that I was abused when i was little... i am having such a hard time distancing myself. i am picturing what Kay might be going through... I am feeling it all over again. the guilt the shame, thats the worse. I want to disappear from it all but I cant if I want to help Kay

Quite a few people believe that Charlie may have been sexually abusing Kay, if not by touching her but by having her touch him. I AM SO SCARED FOR HER.

I dont want her to have gone through this.

I got renee to admit that she needs to keep Charlie away from Kayla but then today I saw renee and she was talking about letting the kids go see charlie... i flipped on her... i told her she couldnt... if she continues to put kay in situations with charlie and something is happening... she will be arrested. I will turn her in. That is child abuse.

I have been having nightmares... i am freaking out about Kay, I dont know what to do. how do I help her. She wont say if anything is happened but all the signs are there. If it is not sexual abuse it still is emotional, and Charlie may be grooming her to abuse her further.

I cant stand this.
I gotta go... i cant keep writing right now
sorry
~Kristi

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Okay so you can guess how I feel today? I dont even know what to say... love you ladies

hmmm hey loves... little update

I was fat today when I got up (but whats new) 157.0 uggg I had a doctors appointment... I didnt really want to go because I am so fat.

I hate to think what the scale there said.

I walked today, more than yesterday... I left my doctors appointment and started walking... it was pouring rain... nice, but then thundering and lightning. little nervous making. I walked along the canal... I know not safe to walk near water during thunderstorms, but I had to walk my route.

6.30 miles, 548 calories... Heart rate thing info: High HR: 214, AVG HR: 103. 8 Hours: Below target 6 hour 2 min. In target 1 hour 21 min., Above 10 min
1825 calories, 237 G fat burn

I need to keep my heart rate up more

Ironically I have noticed when my heart rate is at its highest is when I am purging... not walking... I think I knew that on some level. But it is kinda scary... I know I have FELT the heart pound but to see the changes of what purging does to my heart rate is astonishing.

alright I really dont have much else to say.. love you ladies
~Kristi
=^..^=

Hey loves... just thought i would drop by and say hi...
I had therapy today... went well.... vented about my crappy easter with family... better now

I walked 9.53 miles... burned 808 calories...

I cant remember if I wrote here or not but I was kinda reckless with my money and bought something I wanted... a heart thing to help see the calories burned and when my heart rate is in a good fat burning level... I am not saying everything in the correct terms... my brain is not working properly... Umm the other day my stats with the heart monitor were : Max heart rate: 183, Average heart rate: 124 For the 10 hours I wore the thing I burned 3343 calories based on heart rate and 434 grams of fat... that sounds like a lot but I doubt it really is...

Today my stats are: Max heart rate: 173, Avg heart rate: 81 for 10 hours I burned 3225 calories, and 418 g of fat.

not horrible...
alright that is it for now...
hugz
~Kristi
=^..^=

Hey loves... gonna try to be a short post... I had already turned the computer off and was laying down... but I got a real bad sunburn today... have a headache and am nauseous. Was looking up the symptoms of sun poisoning. Basically anytime you get a sunburn it is a form of sun poisoning... peoples skin usually does not react well to prolonged exposure . So with the added headache and nauseous feelings its just a little worse...
Yesterday we had record breaking heat... the record was 78 degrees, it got up 86 yesterday. Today the old record was 80 we got up to 87 today... its crazy... i love the heat, not so much how I feel now.
The weather is supposed to drop back to somewhat normal, still a little higher than usual though... mid 60s tomorrow.
Geez March was also a record breaking month here, No MEASURABLE snowfall for the month (we got slammed the last few days of February. Not once in 120 years (since the weather started being recorded) did we never have a no snow march.
What I really dont like right now is the weather is so unpredictable... the month of April usually averages about 4 inches of snow... seriously I do not want to go back to that... going back to the 50s is hard enough.

Ugg I really gotta rap this up my head HURTS... Tomorrow I am going with my parents to my other sisters house (the one that had the baby last October) for DINNER... YAY I am seriously so excited NOT
I was pretty strong with being over at Renees last night... ate out I purged in the bathroom, it was ok because I paid for myself. and I ate a bowl of cereal in the middle of the night and purged (found out the bathroom in my sisters new houses door does not have a lock!) FANTASTIC!
Luckily everyone was sleeping

came home today at like 5 pm... ate and purged 2 times... and i guess now going back to bed... not entirely sure what time my parents are picking me up tomorrow... sometime after the leave church. but before one my guess

Alright i gotta go... take more tylenol and spray stuff on my sunburn
Luvs
~Kristi
=^..^=