hmm hey... its almost 9pm on new years eve... not doing anything special tonight... gonna watch some tv and read... go to bed...
I was really worried about having to clean my apartment but my friend cant make it... hopefully next weekend
I didnt lose weight today... blah... i ate a little at my sisters so I think that and not much sleep messed with my weight...
my after purge weight a little while ago was 177.2 so thats not bad... im tired... and cold which is stupid because its like almost 50 degrees here
I have my holiday party at my parents house tomorrow... fun it wont start until 3 in the afternoon but my mom said my dad will come and get me around 1
I have to go to bed soon then... gotta have some weight loss
Geez I was hoping to get to 175 soon... like tomorrow... for the 1st of the year... its taking me almost a month to lose 10 pounds... whats going on... it took me a month to lose 20 before...uggg

well i think i need to buy a cushion pad thing for the bed, it is a LOT firmer than my old one... back hurt all night

weight: 177.0  that down 1 pound... below pre christmas weight

my niece called a little bit ago... she wants me to come over tonight watch the kids tomorrow... her boyfriends kids... im going to but this stinks im not gonna sleep well tonight

I have to come home as soon as she gets back tomorrow... i have to clean... my apartment is a mess and I have a friend coming up on saturday

im eating right now... i will be able to tomorrow evening but while my friend is up i have to be good, no bping

 So I picked out the scale and the exercise bike I am buying when I get my money...

I think this next one would be cool but its pretty expensive

another day is here... weight 178.0 so close to before christmas weight... but its down .6 from yesterday... need to lose .2 to get to pre christmas weight...
I almost freaked last night... I was laying down, feeling my fat... pressing on fat, in my stomach... feeling the grossness... then i could feel my intestines on the left side,,, all hard... they were full of CRAP! from christmas! EWWWW UGGG
I pressed and pushed and pinched and everything till i was hurting... I couldnt make it move much... so I took a regular dose of lax... just 2 pills...
i didnt feel anything, no cramps no nothing... and man i barely went, nothing like going with lax, was all hard... part of me wants to take enough lax to make sure im empty... CANT have this in me...
its okay when I dont eat enough to poo but seriously I FELT it, I know I got rid of some of it but uggg
i DONT want to get back to lax, they are a problem... i just dont want all the crap in me

my friend is coming today... we are exchanging gifts... and getting coffee...

my niece got a bigger bed and she let me have her full bed... yay! I can lay diagonally and not have my feet hang off! WOOHOO! (AND it gives tiger more room, he is a bed hog, i usually have about a foot of the end of the bed on the left side... all the rest is his...lol)

alright gotta see about getting ready

hey... weight 178.6... down .6 I was going to not drink and go back to bed after my appointment... check my weight after that... but my case worker took me out to eat... and was asking about eating stuff... how ive been doing... how long its been since ive purged (i said like 6 weeks, to keep up with the fasade that im still doing well)... as of yesterday I was still in the overweight range, so I told my case worker I wanted to be out of that... I told her I wanted an exercise bike, but wanting and getting are two different things (I AM GETTING one though)...
so I got back from being with my case worker purged... uggg now my weight is up and its too late to go back to bed...
I just have .8 to lose then I am back to before christmas weight... so maybe tomorrow or the next day...

I thought about walking down to the store but I only have a little money...and I dont know what I really want to eat right now anyway...

So another day is here... had counseling today... was good...
weight 179.2 uggg at least it is down...

Today is measurement monday...
Hip: 41 (41.5)
LRHip: 36 (37)
Waist: 30.5
Breasts: 35
Neck: 12.5
R Thigh: 22 
L Thigh: 21.5 
RUArm: 10
LUArm: 10 (10.75)
R Wrist: 5.75
L Wrist: 5.75


The weight loss for this week was not weight loss :( I gained .2 UGGG Measurements down 2.25 inches


My counselor told me last week on the phone that she had a gift card for me... so I was hoping it was for walmart so I could buy some food... but got the card today and its for peebles... a clothing store... darn... it was nice to get though... but now im disappointed I only have like $15 for food and IM HUNGRY! lol


alright I will write more if I think of more to say... 

So the damage to the weight was some but not severe... today I was 179.6 - over 179 UGGG

I could still be in bed right now Im so tired but I need to sleep tonight....

okay so christmas... well christmas eve first... I went over to my sisters like planned... then my dad calls me and asks are you coming over for dinner? I was like Huh? when? right now? ummm Im at Renees... (not doing anything)
YOU SEE my mother told me we were not having a christmas dinner and were not giving gifts until january... but she is telling my dad like usual... ohh i told her... So I end up going over to my parents for a little while... ate dinner... my other sister gave out presents... I felt like a JACKASS because I didnt have theirs. She said she understood though... uggg
I got out of going to church with them and my dad took me back over to Renees... I purged there...

and then we cleaned like for hours... then finally around midnight we brought the presents out... I went and laid down in my sisters bed (she was working) around 1:15... she had this space/ electric heater thing in her room that would turn off and on... it scared me so I turned it off after I woke up thinking my blankets were on fire because when it turned back on the room glowed orange...  so I fell back asleep for a little bit and woke up again sweating and FREEZING scared... so I got my blanket and went out to the living room... checked the wood stove... (UGGG HATE THEM) but I warmed up in front of it for a while... I am so scared that they are going to start a fire in the house...... my sister is heating her house by the woodstove (which mostly heats the kitchen and living room... then all the bedrooms have space heaters... Ugg MAJOR FREAKOUT... so risky for fire... especially for the kids to have in their bedrooms... their rooms are a mess... and they dont notice if things get close to the space heaters...
ugg so I got 1 hour of sleep total that night... I was to scared/nervous about a fire happening

3 of the 4 kids were up before 6:30... my sister was on her way home from work... went to pick up the kids dad...
I made 2 different kinds of monkey bread...... they turned out really good... everyone liked them... I made a lot so at the end of the day there was only a little that got thrown out...

I was Santa this year... I got to pass out the presents... it was fun...
the kids were fun to watch and then after we were almost done we noticed one kid only got a couple gifts... Santa (not me this time) left a bag in the closet where they were stored... OOPs

Kayla liked her baby doll clothes... I sat with her and she opened those special with me... so I made sure I saw her open them...

I got 3 gifts... a pair of pajamas... a sample thing of perfume from Kayla, and a little relaxing fountain thing... its cute, tiger might use it to drink out of lol

I cooked dinner (well helped) did pretty good not eating much while cooking my only downfall is drinking there... I always bring water but with their woodstove I get super thirsty so I run out of water... and I wont drink their water because it tastes funny... so they had juice in the fridge I was drinking that... yeah a calorie beverage... uggg
Ate dinner... didnt massively pig out (a lot of other people ate more than I did)... 1 plate and 2 rolls... I purged....

I am eating leftovers that I brought home right now... just cookies and mashed potatoes lol, I brought a pack of rolls but I am not cooking them...
I have to go through and add my pictures to my computer... then I will add some to share... my sister took pictures of the presents opening, there is only 1 picture of me and it is not a good one... uggg ohh well

Alright I will post when I have the pictures ready...

okay well really short, i will write tomorrow... i am really tired... I got 1 hour of sleep last night...
didnt get to weigh in this morning my sisters scale is broke >:( I purged 2 times... once friday once today...

My GOAL... LOSE WHATEVER WEIGHT I GAINED IN LESS THAN A WEEK

I will write all about christmas and christmas eve tomorrow... time for cuddling with Tiger and putting sheets on my bed and going to sleep!
NIGHT!

Alright I am posting a goodbye I will be back late tomorrow night, not sure if I will get on the computer tomorrow but I will try if its not too late and Im not too tired
so

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!

Have some cake!

Tiger opened his present tonight since I wont be home tomorrow night or christmas morning... here is a picture :)

uggg so I ate about 200 calories last night after taking my meds and didnt purge... I SUCK not to mention what it was... eww (actually it wasnt bad tasting)... 5 crackers- 70 calories, 1 tsp cheese spread 25 calories, 1tsp peanut butter 50 calories, 1/4 chocolate bar 50 calories...

I should have purged... my weight only down a little... glad it wasnt a gain... 177.8

I slept horrible last night... I am so fed up with my neighbor... I was going to file a complaint yesterday with the manager about noise late at night but I thought its almost Christmas be nice... WELL last night HE was VACUUMING at 1 in the MORNING!  I wanted to go over there and rip the plug out of the wall and beat him with it...  finally fell asleep and around 7:30 someone was pounding over there, woke me up... at first I thought someone was at my door... but it continued... I could not fall back asleep till after 10 am... OH gosh I was miserable... my head was hurting.. I finally got up at 2. I SHOULD HAVE FILED THAT COMPLAINT

So I had to hurry up and get to the store and get my meds that were ready... I picked up some more crackers and cookie mix (for a bp today)

I am getting worried... my toilet is acting up... I have never had problems with it... but I guess so much bping is taking its toll... but stupidly going to the bathroom (a BM) has a harder time going down the toilet than my purges... I thought about cleaning the bathroom really good and listing something with maintenance  saying when I use the toilet for other than urinating it has a hard time flushing everything, then after when just urinating it wont even get the toilet paper down. I have to plunge it. (I made a point in saying using the toilet other than urinating so he may just think you know BMs but I know its purges too... and cat poop)

I might look in the store when I go grocery shopping at the beginning of the month, but sure what they might sell that could help

I guess thats all for now <3

ehhh well i spent most of my day watching youtube... it is addicting... you finish one video then see another think ooh that might be interesting... uggg im so ready for bed... so I didnt forget about writing I just got lost in the youtube universe but I will write tomorrow... <3

Laila- Yeah I kinda figured you would open them then but I wanted to make sure you knew to tell me about them after you open them <3

hmmm after a night were I thought I might end up gaining today... my weight last night after purging was still really high... but today i lost weight .6 YAY 178.0

getting ready to head out to the store with my case worker... gotta get a few food things for christmas to bring over to my sisters... will write more later

uggg... i cant get on MF... i was able to earlier for a little bit... tried posting got almost done and the site shut down... havnt been able to get on since...

I feel like a disgusting fat cow... worked for my friend for 2 hours... worked hard... sweating a lot... hopefully it will help with weightloss...
with jeans, 2 pairs of thermal pants, a shirt, a sweater, underclothes, and sneakers I weighed 185 on my friends scale... YUK
ate dinner there... blah... they had like this barbeque pulled pork stuff, egg rolls, and salad... I had about 1 tbsp of the bbq pork stuff (YUK) and salad... I would have turned down the pork stuff too but Nancy is concerned about me eating when I clean for her... I told her I would try it even though I really dont like bbq sauce...

got home a little bit ago... made some ramen noodles... purged... its been over an hour since I ate with Nancy... but i think i still got a lot of it... the salad was obvious but the pork stuff I am concerned about...
my after purge weight was 179.8  NOT GOOD

im hungry... so many times today while cleaning I felt like I just needed to sit or I was gonna pass out... I didnt but uggg... sweating so much my hair was nasty wet...
I am a PIG

*Laila let me know when you open your gifts... I hope you like them <3

okay... weight on my messed up scale... 179.0 uggg well at least I made it to goal one...
its measurement monday... not a lot of changes... uggg
Hip: 41.5 (42)
LRHip: 37
Waist: 30.5
Breasts: 35
Neck: 12.5
R Thigh: 22 (22.5)
L Thigh: 21.5 (22)
RUArm: 10
LUArm: 10.75
R Wrist: 5.75(5.875)
L Wrist: 5.75

I lost a little more than an inch and a half... uggg In the last week I lost 3 pounds (going by my scale now)...

My sister has a scale at her house... at least I can see what that says christmas eve and christmas... hopefully something good

I just ate a yogurt... uggg... I am going to clean for my friend... probably dinner with her too uggg.... I will purge when I get home but it will be a little while...

I SUCK!
I am blah today.... uggg

OMG FREAKING OUT!!!!
I have the scale from HELL!
I am shaking, my stomach muscles are tight as a rock, I almost passed out in the shower because of my scale. I HAVE TO GET A NEW ONE!
Okay beginning... I got up... went to the bathroom... weighed myself... damn it was 178.6... okay yesterday might have been a fluke... so I stepped on the scale again... 177.2 OHHKAY I will take that... When I have varying numbers I take the most numbers in a row... usually 5 times... but it doesnt happen very often
I got on the scale another 3 times... got 177.2 I was okay... then all of a sudden it jumped to 178.4 ummm... okay picked up the scale nothing under it, wiped any lose dust... put it back in its spot, lined up with the lines it HAS to be lined up with... then I got 178.4 three times... then 179.2 !! WHAT FRICK! okay moved the scale... different spot same number... I was shaking so bad... I couldnt get the number to go back down
I got in the shower... I had the 179.2 five times in a row... I DONT WANT TO COUNT THAT FOR MY WEIGHT!
I think I was almost hyperventilating... everything was like graying... thankfully the showers where I live have safety handles... I ended up sitting.. EWW I got back up washed my hair and barely had the energy... my stomach muscles are so tight its like all my energy has gone there... my leg muscles literally jumping...
OMG I cant be that big....
I weighed myself after the shower... you know wet... I have long hair so when its wet it definitely adds weight... but the scale said 179.2 !
What am I going to do without a scale? OMG I need one... THIS IS WHY FOR YEARS I ALWAYS HAD MORE THAN ONE SCALE!!
CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP
I cant buy a scale at walmart when my case worker takes me... she will ask... she will have a problem with it... uggg I cant get to walmart now in the winter... NEEDLESS to say I have no money until the 31st

Maybe its because it was steamy in the bathroom... maybe i should try the scale after the steam goes away... I KNOW I wont be able to go without weighing myself even if it is torture...
I need to calm down... I DONT KNOW WHAT I WEIGH!!!!
my weight journal is going to be messed up... it needs to have all the nice numbers going down... OMG this is horrible

hey... weight- good news... down... 177.6 wow... I almost dont believe it... I am not sure I trust it... usually I drop like half a pound here, half a pound there, maybe a pound every once in awhile... but not really over 2 pounds... and have it stay... so i dont know...im not dehydrated... ive peed, ive been drinking water...

so i am mixed on this weight I want to be really happy but what if that means tomorrow it wont be that low?
AHh screw it JUST be happy!

Hey Lovely Laila! Thanks... Lunch was good... ehh i am okay with bping right now... but thanks... lunch... i was surprised my friend brought another friend of mine... cool... I felt guilty though knowing I was going to purge because this other friend is the mother of a friend of mine who died from his ed. It was hard to lie to them... but I couldn't let them know I was struggling at all... they have to think I got better for Brent... I look better anyway... so it wasn't that hard...
I dont know... guilty feelings... i want to go to the store... buy stuff... I have 35 dollars in foodstamps... i wasn't full from lunch... but it was good... a ham and cheddar panini... if I go to the store it should be soon... we shall see... I know me I probably will
Did you get your gift yet Laila? I hope so its been over a week since I sent it... :\

Okay had to make a quick post, its early for me...
I got up a little bit ago... got lunch with a friend shortly... so I am up early for my weigh in usually not good... well I weighed in 179.8 YAY... I mean I still have .8 to go for my goal but I AM OUT OF THE 180s today! Lets hope it stays that way!
Hey I have hope today I might be able to get to 175 for christmas... it will be tough though... heck even if it is 175.? I will take it... lol but on monday i have to be up early and I think I will be working for my friend that evening (which means dinner at her house)... then going to my sisters thursday I believe... staying till saturday evening.... hmmm those will be the difficult days

Ahhg so I am really confused... exhausted too
I just bpd... pancakes... mmmm 4 plate size pancakes (largest batch size on box), lots of my favorite yogurt butter, and drowned in syrup... mmmmm
drank some soda... then lots of water... was gonna burst.... literally I think Weighed myself before purging... 190.2 BLECH
Purged after purge weight... 180.4 WHat? cool! but wow I dont think I have binged 10 pounds in a long time...
but the pancakes were good
it stopped snowing for now... we might get a little bit tonight (like a dusting)
tomorrow my friend is coming out as long as the weather permits... and we are doing lunch... :/
she usually doesnt stay long after bringing me back to my place... so I will purge as soon as she leaves...

uggg so I am confused and pissed. last night I was 180.8 after purging...and usually it drops a little bit more... now I ate a 6oz yogurt and granola 135 calories... nothing else... water.... around 8 in the morning i had 4 oz of orange juice because i took a sleeping pill last night and the orange juice is supposed to help with the metal taste in the mouth the pill causes. that was 55 calories... I drank some water, took my morning meds went back to sleep...
just got up... a little earlier than I wanted but my case worker comes over today... weighed myself after using the bathroom I gained? WHAT THE FRICK! 181.2 THAT DOES NOT MAKE SENSE TO ME

HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO BE 175 FOR CHRISTMAS IF MY BODY WONT COOPERATE!!!!

I dont know I am just so frustrated right now... I want to go back to bed and sleep until it changes lower...

Laila did you get your package yet?

after 3 days of weighing 182 I am down a pound... thank god I was going to scream this morning if I was the same... 181... at least 2 pounds to go...

I feel asleep last night at about 3 ... stupid me slept till almost 3 in the afternoon... tonights sleep will be fun...
I like to have 12 hours of sleep, weighing in without it I have a harder time trusting the numbers

still snowing here, we have a lake effect snow advisory... at least its not the warning anymore... I did not venture outside today, Screw the mail...

I am thinking about food but im not really hungry yet... hmmm what to eat tonight...
well thats it right now... hugz

its still snowing... schools were closed up here... havnt gone outside to see how much we have but I have to get the mail sometime and I Should take out the garbage...but its REALLY cold out, I will write if i decide to venture out

my weight... I dont know what the frick is going on... im stalled... 182 AGAIN... uggg I HAVE to lose at LEAST 3 more pounds by christmas... if not 7... uggg

I ate some oatmeal a little while ago... hopefully it will keep me full a little bit so i dont have a day like yesterday... I ended up bping 4 times... Yikes!

I was up at 8:30 yesterday morning and didnt sleep at all during the day and I STILL could not fall asleep until almost 3 this morning... I was so frustrated... I HATE my sleep pattern right now...

uggg I have been thinking about food... A LOT... like almost more than usual... ick... pancakes... pizza... burritos (bean and cheese)... bagels with cream cheese... popcorn.... mashed potatoes and gravy... ice cream... ramen noodles... vegetable soup.... ummmm alll Binge foods...

what the heck is going on with me... cant handle the food stuff... cant start to bp more... 1 time a day is more than enough...

ahhh while i laid in bed trying to sleep last night i thought of something else to make kaylas doll... I can crochet her a hat, mittens and scarf! I gave her doll back but it should be relatively easy I think... hmmm I think I have some pink yarn Kayla will love... gotta find my crochet hooks... gosh if you saw my apartment you would know what a task that is

Ohh- yesterday... my case worker nor my therapist said anything of smells... so I dont think I smelled like vomit or too strong perfume... yay or they were just being nice and not saying about the perfume

alright thats it for right now...

The Snow

Laila did you get the card and the package? or just the card?

ahhhg its snowing up a snowstorm... we had very little on the ground yesterday, because we had sorta nice weather saturday and sunday both days over 35 degrees... this morning we had about 1/2 inch... about 3 hours later we have about 3 inches... and its coming down harder...
1 good thing where i live is not in the area that is going to get the worst of it... YAY... some places are looking to get over 2 feet... we might get 8-12 inches...uggg Right now it is 12 degrees with a wind chill of -3 YUK
took pictures will take more later

Well I am annoyed... not bping yesterday did nothing for my weight... I am the same... uggg so what did I do this morning? BP going to therapy shortly geez this is wonderful... I NEVER bp before meeting with my therapist or case worker in case I smell like vomit... because I may wash well but I may be immune to some of the smell who knows?

Uggg so my case worker is coming to pick me up because the wind chill is 2 degrees and I am not walking in that. So I get to be around my case worker and my therapist this morning. WHY didnt I stop and think... oh well  perfume it is yuk

alright monday measurements
Hip 42 (42.5)
L R Hip 37(38)
Waist 30.5 (31)
Breasts 35 (36.5)
Neck 12.5(13)
R Thigh 22.5
L Thigh 22
R U Arm 10 (10.5)
L U Arm 10.75 (11)
R Wrist 5.875(6)
L Wrist 5.75(6)

Total inches lost 5.125 weightloss since last monday 4.4 pounds hmmm
alright I gotta finish getting ready... write more later

ahh i guess the oatmeal was a good choice today... didnt eat anything else or bp today

Shannon- well I am just about done with my quilt.... all I have left to do is the edges... but i am afraid to do it, so it sits undone, wow your mom is busy busy, love you

Laila- love you

so yeah another day...
down .4 today... 182.0 alright

did something different i will see if i will regret it... i made oatmeal... 150 calories with a little spenda brown sugar 15 calories
about 30 more calories than the yogurt and granola...

im massively tired, i took a sleeping pill last night and still didnt fall asleep till after 2...  I just want to sleep but then I wont sleep tonight again... uggg

I have not decided my bp today... not hungry now since i just had the oatmeal... dont really care... hmm wouldnt it be nice if the feeling stayed all night

hmm today was alright... last night was crap... It is not logical to sleep all day and then expect to sleep at night as well... I was miserable last night couldnt sleep... and I was tired...

i was 182.4 today... thats down .4 hmmm

I think my body is starting to tell me finally that its actually working with the little I give it in food... fatigue, muscle cramps, stomach pain, heck my arms feel tired putting away a couple things on shelves... going inside from getting my mail and coming up my stairs... my hearts beating fast, legs hurting... just want to sit not even caring when I am... getting up from bed or the couch... yeah my heart goes fast... i get shaky...

Part of me feels like I should try to keep in more... but I KNOW I will gain... I vary from not keeping anything in (besides residual from bps) but my weights are not very different after bps... and then other days I keep in yogurt and granola... about 135 calories... thats it

I also have been having the hyperactive kidneys after bping again... uggg it is seriously annoying... like i just got done purging about 25 minutes ago.. went to the bathroom after... i already feel like I need to go again... uggg

I made Kaylas doll a nightgown... which kinda looks like a dress... and a black jacket that looks like a tuxedo jacket...

time for bed... didnt do much today... slept a lot...
kept nothing in, had 1 bp

i realized that its getting harder to bp... well bp the amounts i usually do... they are smaller... i want to keep eating but i cant... and i dont like to eat again after purging... I will destroy the food first...

alright lets hope for weightloss tomorrow...

uggg okay ... last night not good... after posting goodnight I subsequently started eating and bp'd at 11:30 at night... I was PISSED at myself...

then I couldnt fall asleep... didnt until almost 4... and my kidneys were hyperactive... sometimes that happens after purging... i will have to pee , then less than an hour later i have a full bladder again... its weird

so I decided to sleep as long as possible today ... stay in my room...hopefully not eat... but we will see how that goes...

but geez... i weighed myself... even though i didnt want to, i had to incase i ate anything today or had a bp i HAVE to weigh myself then... but cant if I didnt in the morning... and weighing in the evening is silly if not in the morning too

OMG with bping last night I STILL lost a pound! holy cow... I was down right stupdified... i thought no way... i weighed myself 6 times... all the same... ok its real
182.8
hmmm when I get to 179 I will no longer be classified as 'overweight' but you know I will always be overweight in my eyes...

ahh im home now... tired... gonna go to bed shortly...
did well they had cookies and punch I didnt have any

went to the store with my niece... bought some binge stuff for tomorrow and whenever else they last...
alright just wanted to update a little time for bed <3

hey... weight down .6 184.6
hmmm
made some clothes for my nieces doll... not only a dress, hoodie, pair of pants and slippers... 3 diapers too
I am not sure what else to make right now...

i ate a yogurt and granola... had a small bp... eggo waffles with hot chocolate... easy purge too... after purge weight was 184.8... not bad...

hmmm im tired... got my case worker coming tomorrow... my apartment is a mess... oh well i dont care... let her say whatever she wants...
alright i guess thats it for tonight

shannon.. nobody got voted off... its americas vote... we wont know till the finale... its between Aida and Elizabeth... Aida only lost 12 pounds, she struggled but she set a record for the marathon... beat taras time... elizabeth lost 15, frado lost 27 and patrick lost 35

talk to you tomorrow <3

Shannon... the weather this weekend... you would likely need to leave early sunday... its gonna get bad in the evening...

	Friday Flurries, High 34°, Low 29° Gray skies with occasional light snow. Winds: S 10-20 mph
	Saturday Mostly Cloudy, High 38°, Low 29° Mostly cloudy with a few snow flurries. Winds: S 10-25 mph
	Sunday Rain and Snow Mixed, High 37°, Low 24° A mix of rain and snow develops. Heavy snow possible late. Winds: S/NE 15-25 mph I will post about the biggest loser later <3

Laila if you want to read on mf thats fine, i will still post here for my other friend <3
hmmm weight was alright today... down... 185.2 so I was trying to get to 179 for christmas but maybe 175 now...
I have yet to eat today yet but I am planning to make some mashed potatoes and gravy... easy to purge... easy to make sure i get it all up...
I am absolutely FREEZING! It is 25 degrees out and I just walked to the store to get a medication... uggg, it is so hard to breath in the cold... and MAN my legs got some workout yesterday, they are really sore... I didnt buy A LOT of junk at the store... just 2 small things of cookies (8 cookies in each) and a box of eggo waffles... tomorrow bp i think... we will see
my hand are shaking so much... i wish my electric heat was not so expensive... I like bundling up but this is ridiculus, i cant type well with gloves on
I have my nieces baby alive doll I am supposed to be making some clothes for it... I got part way done with making a diaper (it pees) but I dont want to get out the sewing machine right now.... I have to do it soon... Kayla wants a bunch of clothes ... lol they will be basic, simple clothes... the patterns I have are not the right ones so I am doing it by my imagination... I KNOW WONDERFUL! she will love them anyway, she is happy with an outfit that my mom made her with a sock... cut a couple holes in it... and wham there you have a shirt...

going to bed now... my evening weight is the same as my morning weight... so maybe I will be back down tomorrow

*COLD*
its about 10 to 7

I have a headache...
ate the yogurt and granola

I feel like crap... im going to bed... gotta wake up and call my friend at 8:30
I BETTER LOSE WEIGHT TOMORROW

I like hate myself so much when I dont that i want to punish myself but I dont si anymore and i dont know what else to do besides not eat...

we are supposed to double the amount of snow we already have in the next 2 days... ugg
 and a storm is coming this weekend... it has 2 directions it might come... snow will come with both but if we get the 2nd track its gonna be a lot of widespread blowing and drifting snow... YUK

Laila! you dont need to spend your money on me, if you are determined to send me a gift make something, you are very good at that! I love you! (and dont listen to me if i offend you). Sorry mia is bad for you, it sucks hugs

yeah so i am so disgusting i should not show my face in public, but i still went to therapy, no work at the library though... paid my water bill
I gained again... WHAT THE FRICK!!! .6 this is unbearable
I lost weight before my period, i though usually you gain and then lose... well my body is f*cked up

today is monday measurements
Hip 42.5 (43.5)
LRHip 38
Waist 31 (32)
Breasts 36.5 (37)
Neck 13
R Thigh 22.5 (23)
L Thigh 22 (22.5)
R U Arm 10.5 (11)
L U Arm 11
R Wrist 6
L Wrist 6

Thats down 4 inches...

I added up the inches I lost since I started this new weightloss journey... 21.5 inches (that will be a month in 4 days)

while walking home today some shithead sped up while passing me and splashed the left side of my jeans all up with slush... ohh man was I PISSED... at least it was on the way home but stupid shit head...

my therapist thinks I am doing very well... even talked about moving our appointments to every other week... i dont like that but i dont know maybe...
she doesnt know I been doing more ed stuff... but i dont want her to know... she will when i get back to about 150... she will start asking questions...
she hasnt asked any even though I have lost almost 20 pounds... part of me wants to feel validated and have her ask me so I know it looks like I am losing weight, but it would not be good for her to be pestering me about the ed stuff when I NEED to lose weight...

Because I gained again no bp today... I had orange juice with my meds this morning... and I will allow a yogurt with granola... that will be a MAX 250 calories... (110 from the juice) I should go for less but I think that would set me up for a bp, I can have tea also... no calories

ugg alright i am going to take a nap... climb in my nice warm bed... got my electric blanket set to 8... its 21 degrees out... and we are supposed to get about 2-4 more inches of blowing snow... YUK

Thanks Laila... woo I hate having my period... I know its unhealthy to not have it but i wish I didnt...

I feel like crap... yeah... i dont know its the weather... we have a lake snow warning till tuesday morning... ICK

took a couple pictures... walking was not horrible but we got like 1/2 an inch while I was out... (about 45 min)

I have yet to make my tacos... debating... I am so fat do I really need them...

we will see... I have to decide soon... bed early tonight, up early tomorrow... yucky day tomorrow, lots of running around and its going to be nasty out... now this is when I wish I had a chauffeur... and no not even now do i want to drive
so if I can make it out of my apartment tomorrow I am supposed to go to therapy, then pay my water bill, go to the post office, go to the library to work... then hopefully go home after a couple hours there. I DONT WANT TO DO ANY OF IT, well maybe therapy sometimes that helps. AND I HAVE to pay my water bill otherwise I will be evicted from my apartment in like 3 weeks

I WANT TO STAY IN MY BED WITH MY ELECTRIC BLANKET ON HIGH

I seriously felt like I almost put myself into a sugar coma earlier... I bp'd on sugar covered donuts, (8), 3 peppermint fat boy Ice cream sticks things, and orange juice... IT WAS NASTY but ick too much SUGAR

I dont understand... I CRAVE so much sugar but when I bp on it, it makes me so nauseous and just ICK... I dont know...

I felt so bad (physically and mentally) that I just wanted to go to bed... Thankfully I didnt... I sat and wrapped all my presents... but i didnt really enjoy it... I am still very blah and ick... maybe the tacos will help... but then again maybe i will feel worse... uggg

I dont know I dont know I dont know I dont know

I am a FAT HIDEOUS BEAST!
For some ungodly reason I gained .4
Probably has something to do with my lovely period... I HATE IT...

IT BETTER BE GONE QUICK! I WILL NOT TOLERATE GAINING

Tacos later... hmmm

its snowing like the dickens... lake snow advisory... so much for walking to the store... BLAH  I should go anyway its good exercise

I have to get at least 2 gifts ready for mailing tomorrow... ugg love wrapping but I worry about mailing stuff sometimes...

Agg had the most horrible migraine today... took a hydrocodone from my surgery over the summer... it helped but i felt like it was too much for my body... not used to it... but then I could finally sleep

SCREW IT... I am piling on as much clothes as possible and going to the store... I will look like a ball of fabric... by the time I get home I will look like a snow ball... lol

DAMN PERIOD CRAVINGS

alright... i think the days of quick weightloss are over... down .6 blah 185.4

nothing to eat to keep in but i did bp... blah

tired... worked on christmas cards...

i dont know not much to say today
will write tomorrow

well last night was a screw up... what else is new with me...
after my bp yesterday I was below my morning weight which like NEVER happens so I should have not eaten anything ELSE ... AT ALL... but I went shopping yesterday... it is extremely hard to resist when you have new foods you just picked out... uggg

so I bp'd again... 2 bagels with cream cheese and popcorn... not a lot... but damn it all... I was up a whole pound from my morning weight after purging... and rinsing... and purging again... it wouldnt go back down. FRICK! Just my LUCK.

I AM A FAT HORRENDOUS, HIDEOUS, FREAK... SO FRICKEN HUGE ITS DISGUSTING

FAT FAT FAT FAT!!!!!
COW COW COW!!!!!

 Okay that was last nights crap...
today... regular day for me... got up... weighed myself... down 1.2 pounds again! Wow whats going on? Hey Im not complaining, I am not doing anything different... so hmmm... 186 today... 2 more pounds and I will have lost 20 pounds since going back to MiaFriends YAY!!!

Talked to good friend today... I wish YOU well Shannon!

Went to the store picked up my medications and a couple food things I forgot... I am not sure what I am making for dinner tonight... pizza, tacos, or mashed potatoes and gravy... (dinner is my bp) I also have scones (because the store didnt have my blueberry muffins that I love... and some donuts that were on sale...)

Bought some Powerade Zero, I kept forgetting ... its a good thing to have when purging... and because it has no calories I drink that instead of G2 now

I had a yogurt and granola today...

man oh man... am shaky as all heck... ate cookies till i was nauseous from the sugar, and purged... and rinsed... and purged... still too much sugar in my system... UGGGG

Ummm weight... even though I was up early I was down 1.2 pounds YAY... 187.2, but hey after my purge I was 187... I RARELY ever get lower than my morning weight ever in the day...

went christmas shopping... got it almost done... got like 2 people left... not bad... but I have to mail 2 packages... and a bunch of christmas cards...

I am going to wrap some presents in a little bit ... I love wrapping... its relaxing... except when Tiger tries to help lol...

I will take pictures if he decides to join me... he is sleeping on my bed right now... he loves my electric blanket as much as I do

ahhh tomorrow is a day off... yay...

Mark text me today... said he was dying... he got sick overnight... hmmm... he called last night... said his ex wife leaving him this time of year ruins this time of year for him... his doctors told him to take an anti depressant and he said no... being depressed is who he is, he doesnt want to change it... every year he breaks down about his ex wife... mourns her... its been 4 years... I dont want my relationship with him to be measuring up to his ex wife... I want to change his view of this time of year... make it something he wants to be apart of... but if he wont let me in, wont let me care... I dont know

alright.. <3

ahhg so my body is a fat fricken blob
Went all day yesterday with less than 150 calories... didnt lose even a pound... BLAH
188.4

Well I got up... was getting ready to go to the bank (in Nasty weather) and Missa called me... she was in town and didn't want to drive home in the bad weather... so she took me to the bank... i was frustrated because that messed up my plan to buy chinese
Missa took me to the store to drop of my medication scripts... then we went to walmart... bought a few christmas gifts for the baby and her 2 step kids.

Bought a pizza to cook for dinner, a pack of burritos, and a box of cookies.

Missa stayed till almost 4 and I had the nerve to ask her to take me to pick up chinese... I couldnt go without and I could only get it if she was leaving...

So I got my sweet and sour chicken... ate that, drank soda and ate the cookies... purged...
197.8 to 189 ugg up a little from this morning...

No yogurt or granola today... I am going to try not to bp again... but I kinda want the burritos... but they might be hard to purge

okay here is my latest conversation with Mark... hmmm frustrating

Mark: u must have changed ur number
Me: Why would you think that?
Mark: Ive been trying 2 txt u 4 like 8 days
Me: Oh i know you text the other night but I was busy we talked on thanksgiving its not been that long
Mark: Ok lol all weekend then
Me: Yeah whats up?
Mark: I can leave you alone
Me: Did I say that? Whats up?
Mark: U just seem mad
Me: No its just hard to let myself feel the way i do for you and then i dont hear back from you so i was backing off, protecting my heart it was hurting
Mark: Its hard 4 me 2 im scard 2. i push u away cause i dont want 2 lose u again but im doin it any way idk i suck at talkin bout feelings
Me: See why cant we just be together then, we both want it but i dont want to sit around wondering, i want to  be apart of your life too

AND NOW OF COURSE HE HAS STOPPED ANSWERING AGAIN!!!!!!
I hate this... why do I keep trying... i try not talking to him but then I feel guilty that I might be making him feel bad... I DO want to talk to him... I want to see him.. WHY is he being so DIFFICULT! He either needs to tell me if we are in a relationship or not... I have been sitting around for over 2 months now... have not EVEN SEEN him I am tired of this

Now see if I did not talk or text him tonight I would be fine but now I just want to cry and yell... arrggg

Alright later,
here is a picture of our first measurable snowfall

ahh well another day here...
weight down .6 cool I hate that it only drops .4 or whatever a day... but at least it is going down

Had a psychiatrist appointment today went alright...

gonna try to not b/p, ahh there I put it in writing uh oh lol... tomorrow I have money and I want to get chinese... so that will be a b/p tomorrow...

today I had  yogurt (80) and granola (55)... blah im fat

agg hey... its monday...
weight... same as yesterday... up early so I would have likely lost if no change in my routine

today is measurement monday
Hip 43.5
LR Hip 38 (40)
Waist 32 (33)
Breasts 37 (39)
Neck 13
R Thigh 23 (23.5)
L Thigh 22.5 (23)
R U Arm 11
L U Arm 11 (11.5)
R wrist 6
L wrist 6

Thats 6.5 inches difference WOW... Now there is a difference with the measuring tape but why cant I see a difference uggg

so ive had a yogurt and granola... not hungry now but who knows what the rest of the evening will bring

ahhh finally below 190... 189.8 better stay below it tomorrow...

ate a yogurt and granola.... thinking about making some pasta...

today was a lazy day... slept and read... gotta be up early in the morning...

hmmm i dont have much to say today...
Hugz

Hey...
weight was alright... down 1 pound...

I didnt go with my sister I think she forgot she asked me... and I slept in ...

I had $10 in food stamps... bought a gallon of milk, a box of cereal and 2 packs of cookies on sale...
ate 1 pack of cookies... crappy to purge...

I want like mac and cheese or ramen noodles but I dont really wanna purge right now so I am not gonna eat till I can deal with purging...
I did eat a yogurt with granola... I am out of orange juice

Well positive news I didnt gain this morning! wow...

Today... ate yogurt and granola...
worked for my friend
ate lunch blah at wendys ick... I had a half size chicken bacon cobb salad... I took off the blue cheese crumbles, the bacon and the chicken... used a teaspoon of pomagranet vinagrette dressing, ate 2 bites of the chicken and ate the salad. Had water to drink...
Watch I will gain from that though ugggg

we went shopping... got some christmas shopping done, now I owe her $20 because I over spent... At least I get paid on the 1st

Alright I know its early still but I am massively tired and cold... so I am going to go to bed and read and hopefully sleep

Fat Ass

Yeah quick note... i have more to write tomorrow...

I am a PIG! OINK OINK
UGH
So I used my sisters scale (cant believe she had one, but it was hidden back in the bathroom closet)... I lost .4 by her scale... okay
I ate my normal orange juice, yogurt and granola... at about 9 am... early day yuk

I did pretty well most of the day... then WHAM while making more deviled eggs at 2:30 I ate one... with the Yolk stuff, ugg... and I made peanut butter cookies with chocolate kisses... I made like 3 dozen at least ohh they looked SO GOOD!!! Dinner was delayed some people didnt show up on time I took a cookie and ate it... UGG FAT COW... didnt purge it

we ate at like 4... I ate 2 plates... then 5 cookies lots of diet pepsi and then I purged... good... got that out...

Felt better... at like 7:30 I was up getting a diet soda and saw a couple pieces of yams left in the pan, not enough to save... I took 3 bites... UGGGG and then took a piece of blueberry bread... damn... just the bread itself is like a million calories uggg... fricken food its ridiculous... it just makes me FAT

I am home now... ready for bed... its 9 pm and I have to be up early... YAY lol... have to go to work...

I did well the only thing I brought home in leftovers is a bottle of diet soda... YAY ME!!!
Alright will put up a couple pictures shortly, no food ones though

Ahh hey
didnt reach my goal of 190 by thanksgiving.... 191.6 blah down .8 from yesterday...
I am praying this next week goes by quick without weight gain... *please, please, please*

Almost done packing my stuff for my sisters... ugg I have so much laundry lol... its gonna suck not having the internet there (she doesnt even have tv right now)... I might be able to get on my phone but it really depends on the memory... I am going to write a lot of stuff in a paper journal... then copy it here later...

taking my camera too... not sure if I will get any good shots of me but I will try to get some of the kids and the baby, not to mention a few other people... maybe some food too

uggg i am so tired... i ONLY got 10 hours of sleep lol uggg my head is heavy... my stomach nauseous... yuk

Alright have a happy thanksgiving and I will write when I get home <3

hmm well today was uggg my niece asked me to watch her boyfriends 2 kids because she had to go somewhere and couldnt take them... so I agreed... I had to be up at 8 ugg... at that time my weight was a double ugg... so I had some orange juice and we watched tv...

Man was it HARD to make the kids lunch... I wanted to eat too.. Ugg NO, NO NO cannot eat. I have to go back to bed after they leave and sleep the rest of the time I usually sleep and then weigh myself... then I can eat something. I canceled my appointment with my case worker.

The boys left at about 1, I crashed shortly there after slept for about 5 hours. I got up and weighed myself... ugg made it to my weight i was yesterday... BLAH at least I didnt gain. I would have lost if I didnt mess up my schedule... ugg I SO DO NOT want the next few days to happen... my sleep and eating are gonna be all messed up... my weightloss is going to be so messed up. uggg I swear gaining is going to piss me off, it is so easy for my body to gain and what if I cant purge everything one time or something uggg I am going to try to not eat but that is harder when I am away from home.

I probably wont post here till thursday night or friday or something... friday I have to work for my friend and then we are going christmas shopping. Saturday my sister asked me to go down and see her mother with her... we will see if she still wants me... so my 1st day back to normal is sunday and then WHAM its MONDAY! measurement day and an up early day, and i have to be up early tuesday Damn, this is really frustrating me

Hey, mondays here, thankfully almost over... yay my bed is calling me
umm weight... down .4 darn so that means if I got up at my regular time I might have lost more uggg stupid mondays but at least it is down this monday
I have lost 4 pounds from last monday to today... hmmm thought it was more but no it makes sense on my notepad

Alright monday measurements... not nearly as productive as last week but some loss, so some loss is still good
Hip 43.5 (44)
LR Hip 40
Waist 33 (34)
Breasts 39 (40)
Neck 13
R. Thigh 23.5 (25)
L. Thigh 23 (24)
R. U. Arm 11
L. U. Arm 11.5
R. Wrist 6
L. Wrist 6

Thats a difference of 5 inches total... not horrible...

I drank some orange juice today and told myself I would buy stuff to make tacos if I didnt eat at all the rest of the day... I am so excited to start cooking shortly, I even did the dishes. (and if you know me its my most hated job) I am like shaking between wanting to eat tacos and from being hungry lol... I will purge... I think I will have some carrots later so I do eat something today... dont want to totally stall my weightloss

Alright will write more later <3

so yesterday I ended up eating a yogurt (60) and granola (55), and 3 kiwis (135)

today I was down .6 blah hopefully I can be below 190 before thanksgiving but who know what damage the holiday will do... and sleeping and eating will be thrown off so things may just be nasty

tomorrow is monday measurements... doubt it will be as good as last week...
will be up early so doubtful for weightloss

I dont know this week is not sounding good in my head

Im heading over to my sisters wednesday... i need to do laundry and then i am spending the night to help cook on thursday. hopefully I can go home thursday evening... cross my fingers...

and i dont know if its smart to take my scale to my sisters house... so maybe no weight wednesday night and thursday morning uggg

I was down .8 today... didnt bp yesterday

tried to just eat a little today bp'd ugg

wasnt even really hungry, got rid of 5 pounds purging...

Im down a little more than 10 pounds... in 2 weeks... it takes so long for it to come off... uggg

Mark didnt say much, he said he has been going through a lot... I forced myself to say what I had to but I didnt pressure or force him to say anything so I dont know I didnt get much information from him... hmmm i wish i didnt miss him anymore

today... uggg
I lost a pound...
I ate 6 pieces of candy twice with 150 calories each time.... blah 300 calories right there....

had a yogurt and granola 60 and 55, and just now 4 oz of oj 75
uggg 490

umm today I feel like I am drowning in the past... being bombarded with past shit everytime i think or move or do anything... what the hell.... I want to shut my brain off... I wish I had some Ativan lol

I have slept most of the day but the past has followed me there too... dreams... nightmares.... uggg
alright im done

hey
today is a day i would rather not be a part of... too many feelings... im stuffing myself right now to get them all out shortly

saw my case worker today... talked about mark, that i should call him let him know its hurting me the way hes acting. tell him i care but im not sure if i can keep hurting for a little tiny piece of hope or wish he will come back around

I did text him, asked him to call me when he had time. I didnt bother trying to call him because he would never answer. He text me 2 hours later... said whats up... I asked him to call me when he had time... he called after texting a couple times... I told him that I cared about him a lot and I knew he was going through some stuff right now but I would like to be able to help, I feel like my heart is breaking everytime you talk to me (text) once a week and then dont hear from you in a week or more. I wanted to tell him i love him but i dont know I couldnt give my heart that much out

I feel like crying... I got off the phone with him, grabbed a sweater and put my shoes on and went to the store bought shit and immediately started eating

I called my biological mom while I was eating some snack cakes... only expecting to talk for a few minutes to make sure she got her birthday present in the mail. Well over the summer she was really sick and in the hospital for over a month, thought she had cancer, huntingtons disease, lyme disease... they didnt know what was going on...

Well the doctors told her yesterday that she had Wilsons disease, her body cannot metabolize and excrete copper, it causes liver problems... this disease is fatal if not treated appropriately, it is an ongoing treating disease, she will have it forever.
And now I have to worry too, it is genetic, there is a 25% chance I can have it.

I dont know how to take this, I mean I am pretty okay with my health right now but it can hit you at any time It is a pretty rare disease so that is good but jeez this is crazy

I ate and purged... purged almost 7 pounds of food... I wish I felt that it got rid of my feelings too uggg

hey... so today just started off not good... blah

I kinda figured because of the popcorn last night... I know I should have purged it ... well its my fault

I gained .4 uggg I immediately ate and purged cereal... then went back to bed

I know I keep telling myself its only .4 but whats it gonna be tomorrow... and the next day its gonna start layering back on...

I just ate a slice of turkey lunch meat (20), a yogurt with granola (60,55), and 2 servings of raw carrots (90)

Ugg i am so disgusting so much for hoping for weightloss i just ate a bag of popcorn and took my meds like an hour before. I shouldnt purge. I know its only like 250 calories but uggg i suck

hey im back... gonna go to bed shortly...
little update
spent a few hours over at my sisters and it was nice... my sister is going through a rough time... man problems... her boyfriend moved out last week... already has someone else (the boyfriend before the boyfriend that just left) but he is not committing and she is getting pissed... she hates sleeping alone i dont understand it but i hope she can find someone who is not a user...
I didnt get to see the baby :( Missa and Nick were out and about with him... I was disappointed but I spent a lot of quality one on one time with Kayla...
I love spending time with her when she doesnt have her attitude lol... she got home from school and we worked on homework together... and she is really good and doing homework no complaining (grade 2)...
Then I took measurements of her baby alive doll so I can make it a diaper and some clothes... maybe for christmas... she gave me a list lol... shirt, skirt, pants, slippers, coat, dress hmmm fun I have to find some good fabrics though
we sat on the couch ate a few pieces of her halloween candy, then she brushed my hair, put it up, braided it, you know whatever she wanted....
my sister and her guy friend and kayla ate spam and eggs and i had a package of ramen noodles...
after eating kayla and I colored and drew pictures for each other...

Got home watched some tv, decided to eat some more... made mac and cheese... if I wasnt going to eat anymore today I wasnt going to purge but since I made the mac and cheese i ate like 10 cookies and milk and purged... got rid of 4 pounds while purging... yuk... I Hate/Love to see the difference in the scale before and after a purge

alright gonna go and read for awhile... bed is calling

Hey, weight down a pound from yesterday, .6 from the day before... who knew I just needed to start purging again to jumpstart my weightloss... ahh but I know it will not last...

I am going over to my sisters for a little while... I will be back tonight but not sure if I will post again... probably :) umm just had some orange juice (4 oz) and 1 sf pudding cup 70 cals... Who knows if I will have to eat anything at my sisters... blah... but I cant wait to see the kids and the baby :)

Can you believe he is almost 2 months old now! wow! Kayla called and asked me to come over so I could help her on her 'coins' homework, aww I love helping her... she is my girl...

alright will try to post later, sister will be here shortly
<3