so im freaking out right now... i want to bp, i have like no food... I just want to sleep

the eval at the partial was well i dont know the right word to describe it
They think I may be too underweight to go, meaning I may have to go inpatient first.

I was really not happy about that.... but then they said my insurance is being very strict with people now adays because of budget cuts and I will only be allowed 25 days at the partial. that is 5 weeks. they think I will do better ip then go to the partial, i will be able to get more from the partial.

so the freaking out tonight is i really thought I was fine but im not. my potassium is low, and i still bpd today and took lax. I dont want to be hurting myself. my legs are hurting a lot tonight. I didnt think I was hurting myself but I am, i dont want to die from this. I want to be okay.

I called my therapist and told her that I think I want to be put on a psych unit until I can get to the eating disorder hospital. I dont want to be home and deal with the feelings of binging and purging. I cant deal with all that I am feeling right now. I just want to go back to feeling like everything is okay, but actually have me being okay.

I have been crying for the last hour or so... I have to get up early and go get bloodwork tomorrow... im scared my potassium has not righted itself.

What other damage have I done to myself? I cant deal with this.
I am going to bp... i have some broccoli in the freezer and some fish... i know its not much but maybe it will exhaust myself enough to pass out or sleep.

Today went okay i guess, im still freaking out a little though but I will get to that in a minute

I weighed in at 113.0 today, so I lost 4.8 pounds last week... cool

Therapy was ehh, my therapist actually was trying to do something productive (rather talk about my eating and weight over and over), we talked about my thoughts and me trying to figure out if they are true or false (sick thoughts)

I met with my friend we had lunch, I had this really good chicken caberra wrap thing, and my friend had lobster mac and cheese. I didnt know this place in town but yeah I am definitely going again sometime, just have to find someone to go with.

I worked for my friend for 2 hours... then she dropped me off at my dr appointment. While waiting to be seen I went and purged a little of my lunch... I know it wasnt all of it let alone half but it helped my thoughts a little

They did my height and weight... I am actually 5'11.25" so I am actually a quarter of an inch taller than I thought. I was not able to see my weight though. So I dont know what they think my weight is.

They did 2 ekgs, after the 1st one the nurse checked all the leads but they were all connected (I thought something was wrong for a minute) but nothing was said about it by my doctor.
My potassium is a little low though, not good... but my dr said I could fix it with eating or drinking gatorade so it is not that bad. I bought a bottle of G2, and I have to get repeat bloodwork on wednesday. She said I was dehydrated a little too. But I have been drinking all day so I dont know

I made $30 working for my friend, I was supposed to give $20 to someone for something but when I went to the store to buy the G2 I kind of lost my head, I bought what I could and spent all the money plus 31 cents from my bank account that has like 40 cents left in it.

I started eating as soon as I got home... now what Im freaking about still... I should have weighed myself before I started eating because after I was all done purging my weight is still 3 pounds up from this morning... I dont know how much of the lunch is still in my body but damn i dont want it in there...  I want to take lax but I  dont know if I should, well I know I probably shouldnt until I get my bloodwork done and make sure my potassium is better. But crap the food is turning to fat and im gonna gain more weight... uggg I am so frustrated... im mad too I just want to eat more and more... I am seriously just wanting to eat everything.

My bp was 11 pounds and I was not even full when I purged... but like my skin was all tight whereas when I have not binged my stomach skin hangs... but it looked like the skin of a pregnant lady all stretched...

I am so tired too but I want to bp again but I KNOW I dont have the energy to purge so I cant eat... uggg

tomorrow is the eval with the buffalo centre I will write about how it goes... but im gonna try to go to bed... hopefully sleep, then maybe I can get away from my thoughts for a little while.

I did drink 8 oz of G2 gatorade... so im trying to be okay.

Alright hi, I am so tired, I got like 3.5-4 hours of sleep, didnt fall asleep till almost 7:30 am... uggg I thought my weight would be crap because it usually is if I dont sleep well. But hey IM down! 113.6! I dont know how I am losing so fast right now. I am not doing anything differently. But hey I am not complaining

I am bping right now... 5 peanut butter and jam sandwiches and 2 turkey burgers, a chicken breast, and 2 cups of rice. I would eat more but I dont have much else to choose from.

I am worried about tomorrow... I know my therapist is going to ask me my weight I dont want to tell her but my doctor will find out tomorrow too. I was thinking of water loading or something but there is a part of me that doesnt want to. I am basically already going to treatment so they know I dont weigh as much as I should. I might be having lunch before the dr appointment.
my day is looking like get up and ready...
be at the lab by 8:45-9
go to therapy 10
go home 11 or meet friend then or 12
lunch with friend
work for friend
dr appointment 3:15
I would like to go home first but that is unlikely because I work for my friend for 2 hours usually
my case worker wants to meet me at the drs office and be there

uggg tomorrow is not looking fun although I do want to spend time with my friend.

Laila-yeah our frenemy (friend/enemy) ed is causing problems... ugg I have been taking the zyprexa for a couple days I havnt noticed anything yet so I hope all side effects stay away. Love you dear <3

so I didnt post yesterday... sorry i find it hard to post sometimes... yesterdays weight was 114.7 I am so glad I broke through this plateau I hope I can get to 110 before treatment but that is a lot to lose still.

I have a doctors appointment monday... the dr office messaged the lab and I have to go get a bunch of bloodwork done monday morning before therapy. I wont be able to eat anything after 8 pm tomorrow... I HATE when I have restrictions on when I can eat (when I dont make the restrictions)

Today my weight was up to 114.9 stupid fat me...

I bpd a little while ago got my weight up to 125.4, after purging I was 114.7, I like never get to my morning weight after a bp let alone lower ... I am glad its down, I hope tomorrow it is lower

Ive been kind of antsy and wanna do something but not sure what nor do I have the energy to do much. I wanna do some craft or something but I just keep looking through what I have not really finding anything to do, I have a crap load of stuff too ehh oh well

alright I guess that is it for tonight... <3

Hey Im sorry for not posting for a couple days. I have been extremely tired... its just too much energy to do much... Thinking to write a post is hard lol

well today my weight was 116.8 and 116.6 (I use 2 scales) I am surprised I am down, last night I ate 5 nutty buddy bars, 3 little debbie cakes and didnt purge right away because I had taken my meds right before I lost it and binged... I waited about 2 hours... then ate more and was like okay its been long enough my meds should be absorbed some and purged... I could still taste my meds though (ICK) I even took 2 lax before I purged... the meds must have got in my system because the lax worked even though I purged it.

so my appointment on tuesday with my psychiatrist went as I expected. She asked my case worker to sit in the meeting, she said that she will not see me any longer until after I get more treatment. I either had to get into the partial program with in the next 2 weeks or possibly be hospitalized. She gave me a new med to try... it causes weight gain (zyprexa) but she said it is a very low dose so it shouldnt, but that is what she said about the risperdal. I just picked the medication up from the pharmacy today so I am supposed to take it tonight.

I am trying to get my head wrapped around the thought of treatment... and gaining weight.

I am so tired I am not sure what else to write... I have a bowl of rice on the counter I want to eat but I dont have the energy to purge it so I cant eat it.

I had that almost pass out feeling last night (where i cant see/everything turns black), I walked from my room to the kitchen with it, I felt like my blood sugar was bottoming out, I had just purged... that is when I binged on the little debbie crap. I have not had that feeling in awhile.

I fricken bit my lip earlier and while walking back from the pharmacy I am spitting blood every few steps, it was gross but I couldnt swallow it. Then when binging earlier I bit it again... FRICKEN thing hurts and is swollen so its easier to bite. uggg

I accidentally over drew my bank account... CRAP I called my parents to see if I could borrow $20 to cover the negative so they dont charge me $35 for a $17 over draft. FRICKEN STUPID MONEY PROBLEMS

I have an evaluation with the eating disorder partial on tuesday. I dont know what to really think... ohh and my case worker called my doctors office and got me in there on monday... (surprised because my drs office called and moved my appointment to the beginning of august a week or 2 ago) So yeah I am thrilled about that... not really

im tired, im gonna go lay down
ohh look at my new mug, plate and spoon set

hey... weight 118.0 and 117.8 so 118.0

I am feeling very frustrated. I had therapy this morning... My therapist is at the point where she wants me in the hospital.
No one really seems to care that I feel fine.

My therapist says my judgement  doesnt not matter right now, my cognitive functions are decreased (yet I can still read and do other activities alright) I dont know

I like the sound of not bping and eating normally but as soon as I remember I will gain weight it is like a giant red stop sign in my head, saying STOP! YOU CANT GAIN WEIGHT! If I could get around that it would be better but right now that is enough to keep me from eating or keeping food down.

I feel really stuck. If I dont go to the partial I am going to be put in-patient but will the partial be helpful if I am not totally in for recovery? If I am only half way?

I was hoping transportation was not going to work out for me to go to the partial but a couple hours ago my case worker called and she told me they were able to figure it out. So the option for the partial is positively there.

I really dont know what to think, I was told to do some thinking but my thoughts just keep going in a circle
Its pointless

uggg... I think I am at a plateau weight wise... I have been stuck at 118-119 (plus or minus a pound) since the 21st of last month, alright enough is enough lets get this weight moving down again

I went over to my sisters for a little while yesterday, did laundry and hung around with Kayla. I brought some beads over and we decorated her crutches a little... and she made a bracelet and necklace.

At one point Kayla was beading and I was sitting next to her helping and her mom was making Kayla a hot dog and Kayla started telling her mom to make one for me, that I wanted one... I said no its okay... Kayla had already eaten one and she said I want only half, will you have the other half? I agreed... It was very strange for Kayla to be so adamant that I eat, I worry that I am scaring/worrying her with my weight loss. Maybe it was nothing but it was very strange.

I did alright today... I made it to 6 pm before I ate, I was thinking of fasting but then after taking a nap I just started eating... ehh oh well I dont really do fasting well anyway.

I have therapy tomorrow... I havnt heard anything from her or my case worker regarding treatment so we will see what she has to say tomorrow... I have my psychiatrist on tuesday...
My therapist should not complain I havnt lost any weight in the last few weeks... (which SUCKS)

I dont know... hey here are my guys... I love them SO MUCH!!!

hey... so yesterday i went with my friend to the drive in, we saw Cars 2 and Mr. Poppers Penguins, they were pretty good. I like spending time with friends, I hate how I dont have many and have too much social anxiety to really make new ones. But I like the friends I do have. They are the best.

I spent the night at her house, didnt sleep well but I usually dont at anyone elses houses
we stopped at Tim Hortons this morning... I got a bagel and muffin and ice capp.

I got home and did a couple things on the computer and went to the store and bought a few things and came home and binged... purged, my weight was 120 (not bad for little sleep and after bping) And I kept down light popcorn last night (took my own 200 cal bag with me to the drive in)

I laid down and took about an hour nap, got up went outside for awhile and read. Came in and binged... purged.   sat around using the computer... its about 10 pm now im finishing another bp

I am taking a normal dose of lax tonight, I may be going over to my sisters tomorrow, see the kids and do laundry. May end up spending the night... not sure what my weight is gonna do...

I havnt measured in almost 2 weeks... I feel so fat

My friend said I am very thin, I wish I could understand that. I 'understand' that my weight is lower and technically I am underweight but I still have so much fat on me. Wont it be okay if I just lose that? I dont understand... I know all this is absolutely ridiculous, I know it is the disorder messing with my thinking but uggg I hate not understanding sh*t

alright I gotta go purge and im tired so its bed time

Laila- I hate gaining from bping (well i hate gaining period)... usually my days are not as bad as that... I think partial is a good idea for some people but I dont really think I need it. I feel fine... yeah my eating is not great but who in america is really that healthy of an eater? a high percentage of americans are unhealthy eaters and are subsequently overweight/obese... im just trying to stop myself from being like that... i dont know... that arguement doesnt sound as convincing as it did in my head lol

so thank goodness i did not gain today... still 118.8 THANK GOODNESS
I didnt end up taking lax last night... i said to wait and make sure the mucus stuff stopped... I think I will take them again friday, I really am surprised that I am taking them so often again... I am not taking bunches but I thought I would stick to taking them once every other week but now its several times a week. but I only take 1-2 pills so it shouldnt be messing with my electrolytes or anything...  im kinda just waiting for them to stop working though and then needing to increase them. thats what happened before... when i was bad with them

i bp'd 2 times today... purging was a bit easier the first time... surprised... the second time was not bad but not great... my night weight was 120.4 better than the 122.2 of last night (or the 126.2 after the bad purge yesterday)

I am going to go grab a popsicle... NOT BP

I have been so tired the past week... i tell you last night waking up and going to the bathroom and stuff I felt so drugged (didnt take sleeping pill either) I woke up and fed Tiger this morning and could barely keep my eyes open... then when my case worker called to see me I set my alarm for 12:30 am instead of pm, woke up at 12:55 and could still hardly wake up... case worker showed up at 1:10 (thankfully she was late) I barely looked presentable lol

I ended up taking a nap at 4 i think and slept till 7 but could have slept longer but forced myself to get up and eat (i wanted to eat)... im ready to pass out again... my head is heavy... my eyes are heavy... so im gonna wrap this up, i need to take my meds and just sleep

im gonna go garden for nancy tomorrow and then going out with a friend to the drive in... hopefully  i wont freeze at that (gonna wear pants and bring a sweater, but it is supposed to be in the 70s tomorrow)

alright... i will try to post tomorrow but cant guarantee it <3

ohhh Kayla got her cast re-wrapped for the permanent cast (for the 6 weeks)

ohhh crap... i know i am CRAZY

i went to get a drink to take my meds and lax with... seriously... im crazy... i started eating... wtf... i thought well im gonna take lax so just eat... umm no... i binged again... purged again... got my weight to 130.8 WTF I have not seen that with a binge in a few weeks or more!
But I purged better... maybe because I was just so full? I dont know sometimes I binge again to get up what I couldnt earlier... so I think that was in the back of my head...

well got my weight down 4 more pounds than I could last purge... but im still up about 3 pounds...
im a little nervous about taking lax even though i need to, i didnt take any last night but the night before I did and yesterday i didnt go hardly but i had gas so i know the lax did stimulate my intestines... well today ive had a bit of mucus... ive had that before but usually with bowel movements... maybe i wont take as many as i was going to

uggg i have done too much today... i have sores on my tongue

uggg i feel crazy

I f*d up... had 2 okay bps and went for another... should have stopped while I was ahead...

made some asparagus (was initially thinking of keeping it down) but started eating other stuff... so nope...

well i ate biscuits too... that was it but it was 16 biscuits and a bunch of asparagus... well my body wont give them up... damn it... I keep drinking and purging that but its not bringing it up... I can feel a hard lump where my stomach is... the stupid biscuits must have stuck all together... even though I drank about 50 oz when actually eating them...

I cant keep trying to purge... my kidneys are being hyperactive now... that is usually a sign it has been a 'stressful/successful' purge... i tried to think what changes in my body happen to suddenly cause mass production of urine... but the only possible explanation i can think of is a change in my electrolytes... so i cant purge any more tonight... i am taking 4 times as much lax as i usually use to try to get this crap out of me quick...

I did get rid of 3 pounds purging but I am still 7-8 up from this morning... I have not been this heavy in awhile... and god tomorrow my weight is gonna still be horrifying...

had therapy today... my therapist is trying to get me into a partial program... trying to set up transportation... if she can set it up she is starting the referral process she said. I told her I hope the transportation falls through because I dont need this. I am okay medically and physically and mentally... so why waste anything on me... i dont really need it.

but my therapist said she and my psychiatrist and case worker and doctor wont let me starve myself to death (not what i am doing, i am losing fat, im not gonna die, my health is FINE)

uggg so i gotta go pee again... later <3

hey... weight same as yesterday 119.8 but i cant complain because I was at a picnic/party all day yesterday so I am glad I didnt gain

Yesterday was eventful... bad news first... Kayla broke her leg, she was bike riding a fell somehow, she broke the tibia up near her knee...

She missed the picnic and fireworks but she is doing okay now

At the picnic things were good, my sister Mandy asked me to keep an eye on her little one (Pierce, almost 2 yrs old) and she would pay me... so I kept busy running around with him, and even going in the bounce house jumping with him... Let me tell you Pierce is very active! (what 2 yr old isnt)
So I definitely burned more calories and made $20 doing it.

I purged 2 times at the picnic, (when i was no longer responsible for Pierce), I only ate when i knew i was going to purged. I didnt have anyone give me gripe for my weight or eating (thank goodness). My sisters dads wife asked me some questions, asked if my weightloss was on purpose, kind of odd talking to her because i see her maybe once a year...

Good news... the lax i took the night before worked before the picnic so i was alright
I took lax last night and im not sure how to take this but didnt really make me go just gave me gas... i dont know if that means I purged good and there was nothing in me (a good thought) but that also means the weight being up to 119.8 means real weight gain... Not GOOD

I have therapy tomorrow... not sure what is going to happen... probably not much...

I took a picture of the bathing suit I bought... (I wore it when the fireworks were going off, everyone was watching them and I got in the hot tub) Nice because I had it all to myself.

ohh and the picture of my sunburn... it still gets red at night...

Alright... ive got to get going... binging right now gotta purge soon... had 3 bps today

Alright I gotta make this quick... its late... weight was up today :( 118.2 not sure why... just fluctuating I guess... I will be taking lax tomorrow night... Got a party/picnic tomorrow...

My niece and nephew are sleeping over tonight... ate with them a couple times... was able to purge after (dinner)

Made a crapload of cupcakes... I have to frost them tomorrow but I made the frosting already... i just have to add vanilla flavoring I forgot that... I will take pictures of the cupcakes...

I bought a new bathing suit too... Will take a picture of that too...

I made popcorn on the stove today... it was pretty good but man very oily... not sure if I will continue doing it that way... (my first time was tonight)

I just ate about 12 cookies and some potatoes after the popcorn... gotta go purge in a minute, Kayla is sleeping, nick is getting there... really tired...

Thats why I gotta wrap this up he is sleeping in the living room... so later, I am not sure I will be able to get on at all tomorrow... <3

Laila- I am so glad you are alright and was just on vacation... im trying to be healthy-ish... not acting stupid with my health (well any more stupid than the ed)... I dont know when I will know anything... maybe a little something tuesday but we will see, I will write as soon as I know anything. Love you Laila

hey... weight 117.4

I sunburned my legs... oops... at least its only my legs... i took a picture... lol will post it tomorrow maybe

I had 3 bps today... got money so they were good...
I made fried dough earlier... it was alright at first but after a couple bites I just tasted oil so I ended up throwing the rest out... I couldn't make myself eat it when it turned to oil when I chewed it. I used crescent roll dough so that made it too flaky too... ehh so if I ever try to make it again I will use like biscuit dough... but I dont like using boiling oil on the stove so I may not make it again

uggg i hope my sister doesnt bail on taking me grocery shopping tomorrow... I wouldnt put it past her though

I need to make 3 dozen cupcakes for the party/picnic on sunday

i have this bruise on my right hipbone... i was not sure what caused it but when I went for a walk earlier I noticed it is from my purse... yeah my purse hits my hipbone (or puts enough pressure on it) to cause a bruise... odd

im tired and i guess i dont have as much to write as i thought... will write tomorrow

Alright weight today 118.2 still fluctuating around there...

Wow! I just found out I won a book giveaway! This is cool! The book is Brave Girl Eating by Harriet Brown

hmm ohh yeah I dont know if that new medication is going to work... my stomach hurt last night and I had this weird feeling in my arms/ legs/buttocks like they had to keep moving... it was like when you get this feeling in your arm and you just try to shake it away but it is still there. and then your arm muscles are just itching to move every second. OMG it is totally INSANE I was not able to fall asleep until almost 5 am.

I was thinking of trying it one more time... if it makes me like that again I will stop and call my dr... but i dont want to take it tonight because if I cant sleep tonight im going to go crazy... i plan on getting up early and going out for a binge breakfast... i get my money tomorrow... so maybe I should try the medication again tomorrow night... I dont know

I had 2 bps again today... I am hungry now but have nothing to really eat... have to wait till morning...

I need to make a list of what I am actually gonna buy tomorrow otherwise I will go crazy and buy too much crap...
I was thinking of ordering take out tomorrow night... but i guess it depends on if my niece and nephew come over... but I asked my sister yesterday and never heard anything so I am not gonna push it if I dont hear anything.

I guess that is it for tonight...

ahhhg  well another day gone...
weight today 118.8 (I think from eating and keeping food yesterday)
Lax kicked in later... didnt do extra lax like I should have for keeping food though

well I met with my case manager... it was pretty close to what I expected... she said that I have been to programs and I should know what to do and I should do it.
It is not that easy I told her but she doesnt really 'get' that.
She did give me a hug (she initiated it) when she left, I am paranoid that she was trying to feel my back and shoulder bones... I dont know, I might just be paranoid....

I got my new medication from the pharmacy... the pamphlet says weight gain in the side effects... im not happy about that... my psychiatrist said it wouldnt cause weight gain. I will try the medication but if I gain (other than my usual fluctuations) I will stop it.

hmmm bp'd 2 times... cant WAIT till friday... I GET MONEY... FOOD

alright that was pretty much all for tonight...

hi... weight today 118.0

had meeting with psychiatrist today... ummm yeah... she says I need to be IP or in a partial program. She gave me a pamphlet for Buffalo Centre (buffalocentre.com) it is highly unlikely that I will go there, I do not drive, and when we tried to get transportation to a place like that before Medicaid (my insurance) doesnt provide transportation in the evening... The program gets out at 6:30pm so yeah I would be stuck in Buffalo... they do not have a place for people to stay either... So yeah not gonna happen

IP well not likely to do much either... the ip program in NY you stay maybe 2 weeks max... but then I would come home to what? the same I left... how would that help? Yeah I dont know

Okay she also put me on a new medication... it is an antipsychotic... lets hope I dont have a reaction to this one... (I have been on 4 others and had reactions to all). This med is supposed to help with obsessive thoughts and thinking... Its called Latuda if anyone wonders...

My friend (Pat) took me to my appointment... She is the one whos son passed away from his ed. She wanted to eat after we were done... I agreed, I didnt purge... I ate kinda normally...

I went to her house... taught her a few things on her computer, cleaned her cats litter box and washed it... She bought me a couple food things for doing that...

I got home about 7 pm finally... ate a bit... not like a lot but because I didnt purge earlier I was so full and my stomach was painfully stretched... I hate when I am that full because I fear my stomach will rupture before my body lets me purge (it takes a few minutes to get my body going more often now)

My pre-purge weight was 129, and get this my after purge weight was 119.6 I DID NOT expect that because I kept in some food today... I expected it to be higher... I plan on taking lax because I am not sure how much I kept in. I know when I purged a little bit ago I got up a bunch of what I ate for lunch (6 hours ago).

So my anxiety is a little high... I have to talk to my case worker tomorrow... NOT looking forward to that. She wont like the fact that my psychiatrist wants me in treatment either. She believes that once you have been in treatment you should be able to do what you have learned, and going back is redundant you already know what they are telling you) That is true to some degree but the structure and support are things that people cant get on their own... the knowledge is often in the background because people with eating disorders are usually highly intelligent and understand the logical aspect of what they 'should' do but the emotional aspect is too much to be able to put it in action.

So yeah I will write tomorrow about how that goes...

That is it for tonight... i am tired and it is only a little after 9 pm
Night

hey... alright... weight today 118.8
I was freaking out last night though... I bp'd right before bed and for some reason my after purge weight was 123, I kept trying to purge more but was just getting bile/acid...
I purged so much it over stimulated my kidneys (happens once in awhile) and was had to go to the bathroom 5 times in the next 2 hours... and trying to go to sleep when having to pee so much is VERY difficult.

Today is monday... measurement day...
Hip: 32.5 (33.75)
LR Hip: 29 (30)
Waist: 22 (22.75)
Breast: 29
Neck: 11.25
R Thigh: 16.25
L Thigh: 15.5 (15.75)
RU Arm: 8
LU Arm: 8
R Wrist: 5.25
L Wrist: 5.25
R Calf: 11.75 (12)
L Calf: 11.75 (12)

That is a difference of 2.75 inches, since last monday my weight is down 1.4 lbs

So tomorrow I have the appointment with my psychiatrist... not really sure how that will go... Today was frustrating with my therapist... She keeps saying she thinks I am going to die.

I feel healthy though... People can be healthy and not weigh a ton.

She said she was looking online at a treatment place and she was going to call them to find more information...

My insurance sucks so Im not that worried. But you know it would be nice to be able to eat normally. That is the big issue for me... but I CANT gain weight. Im healthy anyway I dont really need treatment.




My therapist asked what I can do to change things right now... really there is not much, I lose total control when I have food, I cant regulate myself to eat less and not purge... at least not here in my apartment alone. AND I am not moving to some group home or treatment apartment... anyway the ones around here I have been in before and neither of them help with eating issues. I AM NOT GIVING UP TIGER NOR MY APARTMENT!




I have a lot of mixed feelings... a ginormous part of me just says nothing needs to change I am FINE... But there is a part of me that acknowledges that I dont want to be eating the way I eat for the rest of my life... But Im not willing to gain weight.

got therapy in the morning… my weight is about 1 pound less than last week, (unless its more in the morning)

I am not really looking forward to going… I just keep thinking ‘what does she have up her sleeve talking to my psychiatrist and dr” What is she gonna try to do?

I realized that anytime I feel ‘bad’ or a bad feeling I just tell myself I am fat. That must be the reason why I am feeling bad.

I am having a hard time putting things to words. I dont know I just feel stupid.

I have hardly any food in the house… its driving me mad… I do NOT do well with restricting or fasting… I bp several times a day.

I dont know how I am going to make it till friday to get food.

Hey... ugg weight 119.6 up blahhh but I can feel crap in me, i need to poo took 1 lax last night still waiting for it to work...

So I got woke up today by a phone call from my psychiatrist office... uggg My therapist sent her a letter (along with sending one to my dr) and well my psychiatrist wants to see me this coming week... Great

I was not supposed to see her till the 12th... I dont think she can do anything besides like talk... I dont know... im not as sick as I was the last time I was this weight. I was suicidal at that time and I didnt care if my ed killed me. I do care now, I guess not enough to stop though right now. But I dont know, this is a different psychiatrist than I was seeing back then.

I dont know, i am supposed to see her tuesday, if i can find a ride... i may not be able to though... but she will call people if I dont try.

Alright im just ending a bp and have to go purge... write more later

hey... weight was the same today... sucks because I was so active yesterday... phooey

I got up and went and got food early (left about 9:45) so my weight was an early weight...
I ate and purged... came home re-weighed myself was the same as this morning... went and laid down (after putting the few things i got from the store away)
woke up about 3 hours later... went to the bathroom weighed myself again.. gained 2 lbs while sleeping o.O what the heck?

I forgot to get cheese when I was at the store so im itching to go get it and see if I have enough for a pack of cookies maybe... I want some...

uggg I hope my weight is lower tomorrow...

I have to try on some of my bathing suits... im gonna need 1 to wear on the 3rd of july... my family is having a big party/picnic... I plan on watching the fireworks from my sisters hot tub... yeah im a person who wants to use a hot tub when it is 80-85 degrees lol, but I have like 4-5 bathing suits, i know i am not going to wear the bikini that i have only wore once many years ago... but the rest are tankinis, they cover my fatty stomach, but i need one that covers my fatty thighs... i will wear a cover up when not in the hot tub

hmmm ive been delaying trying the bathing suits on, but i need to know next friday i get paid so god forbid none of the bathing suits fit I might have to get a cheap one from the store... Not wanting to do that though.

Alright... im going to the store... later

alright gonna make this quick... i have to go purge

today has been alright... i got up early and walked down to the food pantry... I walked about 6 miles... man i was exhausted when I got back... then i had my case worker stop by... then i went and worked for my friend... just got home about 45 minutes ago and just ate 3 ramen, 4 hot dogs, a can of beans, and 10 oreos. I also ate dinner with my friend... gonna go purge it all in a few minutes...

my friend and i were talking and she said how she needed to lose 7 pounds this summer, then she asked me if I started maintaining my weight or was I still losing, I said still losing. She asked what I weighed now... i said 118, she said 'wow' is that the lowest you have been? I said yeah pretty much. She said I would not have expected it, i thought you were like 140.

WTF! Do I seriously look 140 to other people too! I know I look disgusting in my eyes but REALLY?

I know my friend did not mean anything negative or whatever but CRAP

alright i need to stop... i hope my weight is down tomorrow... today was a lot of work and walking...
I was 118.6 this morning...
Night

okay sorry i didnt post yesterday
weight today 119.0

i really tired...
i had 1 bp today, i want to eat more but i dont have hardly any food.

i am going to work for my friend tomorrow, i will have $30 then, so I can buy food friday at least a few things.

it is not even 7 pm and im thinking of going to bed

ugggg im hungry... well i dont know maybe not, i know i want to eat but my stomach doesnt feel empty or whatever... i dont know stupid thoughts

Alright so today has been one of those days with a lot of stress... not fun

Weight 120.2
almost at my lw
that kinda scares me

I had my breakfast bp... a bacon, egg and cheese flat bread from subway (footlong) and a bacon, egg and cheese biscuit with hashbrowns and soda from burger king. I ate it all in BK, it was crazy in there though not with a lot of people but they were trying to catch a bird that had gotten into the dining area... The worker got it trapped in the bathroom... they got it out, but then the bathroom was a mess with blood from the bird. I was all worried about not being able to purge in the bathroom because they were still cleaning it when I was done eating... yeah that was my worry, not about the bird, well a little about the bird but my big concern was not being able to purge there.
Thankfully they finished about 2 minutes after I was done eating, I was finishing my drink. Was able to purge. Left there and went to therapy.

Therapy was not very good... 1st of all my heart rate would not slow down... I think from anxiety and bping so early.
My therapist was very focused on my eating and weight today... She asked how much I weighed, i told her 137... later I told the truth... 120... I am not sure the entire reason why I told her but part of it was her concern... she started telling me that she viewed me as more of a daughter than she should, that she had parental feelings for me. She was telling me all the things she would tell her own daughter. I started crying. Feeling very guilty, and with my heart still racing I almost had a panic attack. Was trying to deep breath and gain control of myself. I said I was sorry, then 'i dont' and almost said 'weigh 137' but then I stopped... she said what? I said Im fighting with myself. I have to tell you something but I dont want to. and more crying... then 'i dont weigh 137' she said what are more like in the 120s you look it. I said yeah, actually 120 today.
My heart still racing...
She said that she was going to have to contact my medical doctor and my psychiatrist and my case worker... i told her she didnt have to but she said ethicly she had to but then agreed to not contact my case worker. But she would my drs
She asked if I need ip, i said no... I also said I dont really know if I can stop. That does scare me. I am close to my low weight and my goal weight is 10 pounds away. I am still too fat and 10 pounds is not that much. How is it going to be enough to make me not fat? How much lower can I get without putting my heath in danger?
I dont know

My visit with my friends went alright... we went to tim hortons... Melissa bought me a muffin and drink... and Pat came as well. We talked for a couple hours... Melissa left at 1:30ish and Pat stayed for a bit longer and we talked... talked a bunch... she expressed concern about my weight and I talked a little about my struggling... but not in detail... But it was good to talk to her. All three of us are planning to go to the drive-in next month... hopefully to see Mr. Poppers Penguins.

I am a little less stressed right now but still anxious.

Today was measurement day as well
Hip: 32.75 (33)
LR Hip: 30
Waist: 22.75 (23)
Breast: 29
Neck: 11.25 (11.5)
R Thigh: 16.25 (17)
L Thigh: 15.75 (16.25)
RU Arm: 8
LU Arm: 8
R Wrist: 5.25
L Wrist: 5.25
R Calf: 12
L Calf: 12

Difference this week: 2 inches lost, weight difference since last monday 3.4 pounds
a couple pictures...

hey... weight today 120.8

today was alright... im tired, my legs have been hurting... they were hurting so much last night/this morning that I was having dreams where they were hurting as well. It hurt to stand... still does...

tomorrow i have therapy... I have $10 and I think I am going to get breakfast and purge before therapy...
afterwards a friend of mine text me today wanting to get together... it will be nice but im nervous... she is recovered from an ed and I havnt seen her since I started losing weight err well it might have been december...
I met my friend at a ed recovery group, she is inviting another friend, she set up the group. Her son passed away from his ed. I am worried my weightloss might worry them. I am fine though

I will let you guys know how it goes...

night time for me...

alright quick post... i should have gotten to this before and now i dont have time to post much

weight today 121.4 with lax though

im having a hard time picking an outfit to wear tomorrow... i am going to my poppys (grandpas) birthday party... nothing i have is fitting right... I have this nice dress i got a New York and Co. a couple years ago and the stupid thing doesnt fit right in the chest area... it doesnt line up with my chest (breasts) and i know the dress is a little big but the fact that it is not fitting right makes me feel like i am just Too Fat
I spent about an hour trying clothes on... i really need to go make my poppys card... its after 11pm too uggg stupid me

ive got a headache too

I just ate some peaches (no sugar added canned peaches, less than 125 calories for a whole 15 oz can) I was getting really shaky... i purged dinner about 2 hours ago...

i ate an ice cream today and didnt purge it till hours later... i was with my niece and couldnt... im Fat!
ugg okay i really gotta go make this card...
umm i will try to post tomorrow but i dont know if i will be able to, got the party and might have to stay at my parents till sunday for fathers day...

Alright so I went to my sisters... it was alright for the most part...

Im gonna try to write about it, i am very tired though, only got 1 hour of sleep in over 30 hours...


I ate a few times and couldnt purge right away... i know ive likely gained... i did not weigh in this morning because I didnt sleep.


I had a 'baby' ice cream, then dinner: 2 hamburgers, a pack of steamfresh asparagus, and a bunch of home frozen corn (cooked), I got the kids to shower and finally go to bed, then my sister got up and left for work and then I was 'able' to purge. But I had to eat more first... lol of course...


I ended up making a 6 pack of italian sausage, a 8 pack of hot dogs, a bob evans microwave breakfast bowl... then i purged and then ate 8 stuffed shells I had cooking in the oven... then purged again... Slept for about 30 minutes and at 3 am I ate 4 generic ham and cheese hot pockets, a can of baked beans. Purged...



Alright and for the 'problem' I am going to copy the bit I posted in purple butterfly/mf/facebook group:
I know eating disorders are confusing at times but I usually deal with it alright. Right now seriously I CANNOT make sense of something. I bought my 7 year old (8 in sept) niece a pair of jeans, she is bigger for her age so I got her a size 14 regular. I tried them on the other day and was just flabbergasted that I could put them on and DO them up. I looked disgusting in them and all my fat was coming out the top but I could get them on. Well I gave them to my niece last night and had her try them on... she could not do them up. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THIS, she is clearly smaller than I am. I thought when I tried them on it meant they were made big, they looked big, I dont know now... I am just so confused. I dont know what to think. I wanted to write on mf but cant get on here, but I knew you guys might understand or try to. I HATE feeling so confused. I like things to make sense and have order, well this is just so abstract in my head, i cant follow it. Sorry for the long post


So I am very confused and frustrated with all this... I dont think that it is logical for a 28 year old to be able to wear a smaller size than a 7 year old, and especially if a height of 5'11" is accurate. I although dont really know if that statement really pertains to me, I am 28, I am 5'11" but there MUST be something different with me, I can put on a pair of jeans that do not fit my 7 year old niece BUT I am STILL FAT. SO this statement CANT pertain to me,



I dont know... I DO NOT like not being able to understand this... I really want to talk to my therapist about it but that will NOT happen... I cannot bring this up... god she will freak if she finds out I can wear something Kayla cant... god I cant deal with her freaking out.



Uggg im so tired... i want to eat too... lol story of my life...



Im gonna go lay down... love you guys

hey... weight 122.2 or maybe 122.4 scale was flipping but it was 122.2 4 times and 122.4 twice

so not much going on today, i actually want to go lay down but im thinking of eating again...

alright so my measurements from yesterday
Hip: 33 (33.25)
LR Hip: 30
Waist: 23
Breast: 29
Neck: 11.5
R Thigh: 17
L Thigh: 16.25 (16.5)
RU Arm: 8 (8.25)
LU Arm: 8 (8.5)
R Wrist: 5.25
L Wrist: 5.25
R Calf: 12
L Calf: 12

Difference: 1.25 inches, Weight difference last monday to yesterday: 6/6: 122.6, 6/13 123.6 So up 1 pound.

pictures from yesterday:

So I bought my niece (Kayla) a pair of jeans when I was down visiting my mom. They were only $1, They are a size 14 regulars (kids). Well the other night I was unpacking my suitcase and I took them out and just held them up and looked at them. I was like these look big, so I tried them on. I could get them on! Like holy cow, it took me a couple minutes to do the button though. And they looked nasty on me because all my fat was coming out the top, like a massive muffin top.
here is a picture:

So yeah gross but holy cow, those are supposed to fit my niece. They were too short on me and they will have to be hemmed up a good foot to fit Kayla too but seriously? the waist and legs around how on heck will that fit Kayla? she is bigger for her age but hmmm i dont know. uggg im confused.

Alright i guess that is it for now, im hungry err well I want to eat not really sure if I am hungry...

okay short post i dont really feel good right now

weight today 123.6 got like .8-1 pound to go till im back to my pre-visit weight

ive bp'd 2 times today and ick, im getting really nauseous at the end of the binges... i dont like this.

I also think i am allergic to an ingredient in several varieties of vanilla sandwich cookies, when I eat them it feels like lots of tiny pins poking me in the mouth. But yeah I still eat them, I should try to remember that before I buy them. It really hurts sometimes.

i will post my measurements tomorrow... i did them but i need to go purge and lay down my stomach is icky

weight is down some... got 3 pounds till im back to my pre-going away weight.
125.8

i bp'd once already today, pancakes... they were pretty good
plan on having another bp later... not really sure on what though

here are a couple pictures... me and my mom, my mom and my niece (Angel), my mom and my nephew (JJ, Jason Jr). My moms cat Bella, and my moms dog Hope.

Alright the post I promised...
Damage weight wise- BAD
today I was 129.2

Last night after binging my weight was 139.8 SO CLOSE TO 140! FREAK OUT!!!
After purging 129.6

I just bp'd today- pre purge 134.0, post purge 127.6 (down from this morning, lax are working too)
Yeah I took lax last night 2 doses, I was not able to purge throughly while away.

Okay about my trip:
Tuesday I left at 8:30am on the bus... got down to my moms about 4 pm. I had a layover in buffalo and another in erie. I was going to bp in erie since I was going to be there for more than 2 hours. Only to find out when I got to erie that they didnt have any restaurants or food things in the bus terminal. They had 1 snack vending machine and a soda machine. I got like 4 things from the snack machine, i ate and purged them. It was not satisfying.

The first night down there I ate 1 piece of tilapia fish with 1/2 cup of rice and a special k fruit crisp. It was about 400 cals MAX. I kept it in. Wednesday I was 124.8, I gained with what I ate.

Wednesday I felt like I was going crazy. I wanted to eat so bad. I wanted to binge. and purge, I wanted to lose weight. but I REALLY JUST WANTED TO EAT
Wednesday evening my mom and I went to my nieces birthday party. We got there early and helped set up and stuff... We had food there, bar-b-que chicken, hot dogs and hamburgers, fruit salad, coleslaw, watermelon, chips, cake, ice cream. Yeah I ate... I ate like normal-ish, but then ended up eating a lot, i just kept eating little bits. I purged there. And then continued to eat planning on purging when we got back to my moms. It was a bit later but I still purged at my moms.

my mom makes popcorn almost every night, she does not have a microwave so she makes it on the stove, I was astonished it tasted better than microwave popcorn! I had some popcorn and went to bed. My mom does not put anything besides a little salt on the popcorn. So pretty healthy.

Thursday, weight was 126.something... GROSS my mom and I went out to walmart... Riding the city buses is crazy. AND I am seriously too fat to ride them. the seats are SO HARD, it hurt my butt bones so bad, I feel like I have bruises there. I am so FAT/HEAVY that it hurts to sit on a lot of surfaces. (I know like if I told my sister that she would say i need fat on my butt for it to not hurt, well I NEED to weigh less for it to not hurt so much)
I bought my mom lunch at walmart (they had a mcdonalds inside it)
I bought a few things to eat when I had my 3 and a half hour layover in erie on the way home on friday. Sandwich meat, a pack of flat bread sandwich rolls, a bag of chips.

We made dinner when we got back to my moms, we had a seafood meal, some shrimp, scallops, and fish (she had flounder, i had tilapia), and some mashed sweet potatoes, and strawberries. I purged when I went to take a shower. my weight was 129.6 after purging. We had popcorn again.

I ate breakfast on friday morning... egg whites, 3 bagel thins, and a couple strawberries. My mom and I left for the bus, I got on the greyhound bus to leave at 10 am... I got to erie at 12:30... started eating and ended up purging there. Got on the bus again at 3:20, my butt and back bones were hurting a lot, like the area some people have back dimples, the bones there were hurting. I got to buffalo about 5 pm, ate a hamburger there and 2 things from a snack machine. Got on the bus again and got back to batavia at almost 7pm. my sister picked me up, and i went to her house to wait for my adoptive mom to pick me up to take me home. My adoptive mom took me to Wendys for a dinner, she hadnt eaten in a few hours and I said I hadnt eaten since lunch time in erie and that I just had a sandwich. I finally got home at almost 10pm, I immediately made some rice to eat so I could purge all that I eaten recently (the wendys meal)

I hope I can lose the rest of this weight quickly.  Get back to at least 122 soon... then lower

I feel like a fricken fat blob

I was going to walk down to the strawberry festival that is going on where I live, I havnt been to it in a couple years but I woke up with a headache and decided to just go to the store and get milk... So I can bp on some foods that take milk to make them... I had $12 for the rest of the month, and hopefully I can work for my friend and earn $30 sometime soon... The month is not even half over...

The visit with my mom was really nice, meeting my niece and nephew and sister in law was nice. I was nervous about that but it was okay. I got a few pictures, I have to put them on the computer later... I am thinking about going to lay down, my head is still hurting and I am exhausted still.

So everything is alright besides my weight... im glad things went as well as they did. I keep telling myself that if I didnt purge what I did I would have gained even more so I need to be glad.

ehhh okay I may be back to post later...

Im home!
I will post tomorrow
<3

hey... weight today 122.6
I hope I dont gain when down at my moms.

I dont know how tomorrow is going to go, my friend is gonna be at my place to take me to the bus station at about 7:45ish... bus leaves at 8:30, I ride for 45-50 minutes and then have to wait till almost 10 for the next bus. will be on that bus for about 2 hours. Then I have to get off and wait till almost 2 pm for the next bus, then about 2 hours for the final bus. My mom is meeting me about 4 pm.

Im bringing a book, my dsi and games, and my crocheting... Im bringing my laptop but im not getting it out when I am waiting in any terminals.

I need to try to go to sleep early tonight... but its almost 8 pm now and im not really tired yet...

I need to finish packing...

I did measurements but i dont want to type them all up... the difference from last measurement day is down 2.25 inches and from last monday my weight is down 3 pounds

I will add a body comparison picture... one from may 9th when I was 133, and then todays june 6th at 123 lbs. I do see a bit of difference in the thighs, they still look massive but there is more of a gap.

hey... after almost 2 weeks of my weight staying about 125 I was down this morning
123.6 Yay!

I have therapy tomorrow, who knows what she is going to say about my weight... I will only tell her I lost about a pound no matter what tomorrows weight it (unless it is up, then I will say less)

I told my mom I was nervous about eating down there, she said I didnt need to be. I said that I want to eat 'normal' when im down there but I am not sure I can. She told me to be me, i told her I didnt want to worry or upset her. She said 'things are how they are, i cant change them' (she has gotten into the mindset of leaving things to god since all her medical stuff started happening) So I am glad I told her, I still dont know what I am going to do down there. I am planning on bringing some frozen tilapia, egg whites, and a few servings of white rice (im gonna measure it out before and only take like 3-4 servings, so i cant technically cant over eat)? I dont know...

I need to pack...

My mom told me we will be going to see my brothers kids, my brother left I guess, i dont know much. It is my nieces birthday wednesday. I think she will be 6. I have never met her, or her brother (he is younger). I havnt met their mom either. If things are as they are right now I wont have to see my brother. I definitely dont want to deal with him or his crap. I bought my niece a doll and a little purse with bracelets and necklaces.
I will take pictures.

alright i gotta wrap this up i have to be up early tomorrow... I gotta do measurements in the morning too, didnt do them last week because I was feeling really fat.

well i ordered delivery food, really shouldnt have but oh well too late... already ate and purged it
was bad though... not smart
i ate a sandwich before the food got here
kaiser roll, some ready cooked bacon, cheese and miracle whip
then the take out
1 large pizza
1 doz. mild chicken wings
5 mozzarella sticks
a large sub: ham, turkey, provolone, lettuce and tomato

I was so FULL I had to force the last of the sub down, i wanted to eat it but it was so painful to eat it. But I forced it, i got a 2 liter of soda with the take out but I stopped drinking soda a while ago again and it was hard to drink it while eating... so I only managed about 1/2 of it. but DIDNT drink anything else MISTAKE!!!!

crap i know, i know that is stupid! but i couldnt force any more liquid down if i wanted to. While purging I had to drink like 3 swallows to get the sub softer to get it up. so crappy.,..

I scared myself, i got a little blood, i still cant figure out where it came from. it showed up like 1/3 of the way through purging but by the time I was done there was no more blood. It wasn't very much so it might have been a scratch but i dont think so because the chicken wings were spicy and the spice hurts open wounds (i have a cut on my thumb). ehh oh well
it was a good purge though in the end, a less weight than my last bp, 125.4

but can you believe i just want to eat more... i dont want to bp i just want to eat, i want to enjoy it too, but that doesnt happen anymore, no matter how much i eat, i think it will be different if i eat 'this' but its not... i dont enjoy it I just WANT to eat so bad

Im sorry I dont know how to put that in better words... i dont know if I am making myself clear or even understandable... im confused on how to say it, it seems simple, i bp so i do eat so why do I want to eat so bad, i let myself eat. I cant keep it. That is just not allowed.

hey weight is still fluctuating around 125

had 1 bp today... but the day is not over

i feel like a fat ass... i dont know how i am gonna hold it together eating wise when I go see my mom. I was going to bring a few food items and just eat them, not bp... i dont want to do that around her. but i dont know if i can eat and not purge and I know I dont really have the strength to not eat period. I am taking my scale with me so I can keep an eye on my weight. I am taking my laptop too I dont know if I will have internet access though... I will not have anyone if I cant get online.

my leg muscles are hurting crazy, not like before but like I had some massive workout. my butt muscles too. Laying on my side in bed the muscles just hurt, it wakes me up at night if I roll on my side... I am so confused. I am not working out at all, i have not walked anywhere in a couple days... like when your muscles are so sore just touching them, trying to massage them hurts. its not my calves though just my thighs/back of thighs and butt

I feel like a massive lazy piece of crap...

im hungry

i need to stop eating i feel like a blimp

uggg sorry im such a complainer today...

i am so disgusted with myself right now

i feel like the size of a house or elephant or something equally as huge

I just bp'd again... turkey and cheese sausages, 2 popcans of biscuits, butter, a bowl of potatoes... I just spent 50 minutes purging... i usually only take 20-25 minutes... I had to rinse 4 times and I still feel like there is some stuck in me, but I was purging till I was having a hard time standing, i would get all dizzy when I would go to the sink, i had to stop... im huge... my post purge weight was 127.6, disgusting, it was 125.2 after my last purge.

and you know what I JUST WANT TO GO EAT MORE, like RIGHT now! but I dont have the strength to purge so I CANT. If I ate and took lax I would still gain. I cant do that. I need to just go to sleep, i am so tired anyway.

If I can wait an hour maybe I can get some strength and wont pass out if I eat and purge... I can do this an hour is not that long

dentist appointment was alright... I usually wont eat for hours after a dental cleaning because I like the way my teeth feel so clean. But I was so nervous and anxious because I told them about the ed and was freaked out that they would judge me or something. But I know it was important that they know. My old dentist was a jerk and told me it didnt matter and just blew me off when I mentioned my concerns. This dentist was really nice, he said there was no reason to be nervous and that they are not there to judge me and that everything that is said there was confidential. So being all stressed out I started eating shortly after I left my appointment.

I bought some ACT stuff, its a fluoride mouthwash. The dentist recommended it to help the enamel strengthen, purging causes it to weaken (as well as other things).

hmmm im just thinking about food... ugggg i need to distract my brain. I finished the book I was reading, I have to get another one out... I just want to EAT

maybe I will be able to get more up if I bp again... that has happened before... not very often though... hmmm UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

Laila- I hope the ed unit goes well. It must be scary but think of the good that can happen. If you dont have to deal with mia or any form of ed that would be amazing. Ohh the lax dont work like really good but it gets my body to move a little bit and im not curled up in pain or sitting on the toilet for hours. Hope you are doing alright my love <3

hmmm another one of those days...

im tired... I probably should have tried to not purge today because of going to the dentist tomorrow, but ehh what is done is done... 2 bps... I am tired of it but usually only when Im done... I still want to go eat everything... and I HAVE to purge. I guess it would be better if I were losing weight... but I lose a bit then fluctuated between 3 pounds for a couple weeks... ugggg

my post purge weight just now was 127.0 thats a lot, but yesterday it was horrible, 128.8

and tomorrow will be an early-ish weigh-in...

uggg i guess i dont have much to say im going to bed and read

uggg, okay sorry for not posting yesterday... was running around with my friend and then when I was home i was bping... fun...

I finally got back to 124.8 yesterday morning but guess what? today I am FRICKEN 125.8 UGGGGG SO FAT!!!!!

I am going grocery shopping today... made a list and gonna try to buy smart.

I feel like a huge fat turd...

I took 1 lax last night, i feel so much stuff inside me... that is one thing about losing weight on my stomach I can feel crap in me when it gets to my lower intestines... I cant stand it. I may be taking lax a little more often but I am only taking like 1 pill at a time... do NOT want to get to where Im taking a ton of them

got a dentist appointment tomorrow... havnt gone in like 2 years... this will be fun...

getting excited to go see my mom next week...

alright that is it for right now, i may post again later.

my legs are huge, i have so much extra skin and fat on my thighs, if you look you can see the actual leg and then the skin and fat hang down.

They are just so disgusting

Ribs and hips... kinda

Pretty boy

uggg so i feel gross... im fat, im always fat... icck

i get money tomorrow... yay!

i bp'd a little bit ago and the food made me nauseous... i dont like that, i want to try to enjoy the food... but i just feel so gross... i guess that is a sign that i should have never eaten. im fat

ummm weight 125.6 Still! well at least it is not up

im tired... i just wanted to go lay down after purging... but i came out to the living room and am using the computer (obviously because I am posting)

I took a bunch of body pics the last week, so im resizing and stuff I might add some later.

it was really warm today, got up to 91, Yay! but very muggy. tomorrow it is supposed to be around 80

i just want to sleep... uggg

uggg i just lost everything i typed... so here I go again

today has been a long day...

lots of food

I purged once at my parents and didnt eat anymore after.

I got home about 2 hours ago and ate the leftovers and just purged...
pre-purge 135.6, post purge 127.4

uggg i feel so fat

I will have time tomorrow to read through journals and post more...
I am really tired.
night

hey, damage weight wise from yesterday 125.6, up .2 but sometimes actually absorbed food might affect my weight for days. I took 1 lax last night, has not worked yet... might have to take another 1 tonight.

It is nice and warm today, about 75 right now... its supposed to get in the mid 80s.

alright i didnt have much to say right now just wanted to post a little before I go to my dads party.

Ugg I feel so utterly disgusting...

I am so NAUSEOUS blech... I purged when I got home... but I couldnt when at my sisters. I was 133.8 before and after 127.6, uggg thats is an end of day weight... I just ate a piece of bread because I am so nauseous.

A bad thunderstorm is coming through so I will make this short, I dont like the computer on with this much lightening. Its like several times a minute right now and its not raining yet. Thundering for the last 10 minutes.

Alright so weight this morning was 125.4, but I think it would have been lower if I did it at my regular time. Tomorrow is going to be early as well, I am gonna hold off measurements till maybe tuesday.

I am taking 1 lax tonight... hopefully it will help a little with going yet not make tomorrows party unbearable. I WILL purge tomorrow at the party. It is at my parents house... it is kinda sucky because their bathroom does not have a lock though... I just have to be careful.

NO body said anything about my weight today, THANK GOD! I was so scared of getting nagged at. I noticed my collarbones so much at the restaurant (they had mirrors on the wall).

Alright weather is worse... i will write tomorrow, probably late again.

hey short post
weight today was 125.4

Im getting close to finishing my shirt. got it all sewed together and im doing the edging now.

today was okay... 2 bps...

tomorrow I have to go with my parents to some baby christening thing of their neighbors. I have to go because I have to be at the dinner on the way home. A dinner for my moms birthday. They are picking me up at 9:30 am UGGGGG if it were not for my moms birthday I would not be going.

Who know what eating will be like tomorrow... 9:30 to dinner time is a long time for my parents and brother to go without eating so it is likely we will somewhere.

alright i just wanted to drop by before i head off to bed... i need to sleep before tomorrow

sorry i didnt post yesterday,
weight is up again UGGGG 125.8 I think it is because at 3 am last night I woke up and ate 3 hard boiled eggs and a can of green beans. I know I purged but I dont remember rinsing. Really sucks.

I worked for my friend last night... I spent like 10 minutes when I was almost done pulling up some plants for her, it was raining some, not heavy but I still got really wet. Then we ate dinner (i had a salad with some chicken) and she brought me home about 8:30pm. Last night when trying to go to sleep my nose is stuffy and runny at the same time... today my sinus's in my cheekbones hurt and my nose is still stuffy and runny... Ugg I think being out in the rain may have made me sick... Hopefully it just stays with my nose and sinus's and that it disappears soon.

I finished the sleeve on the shirt I am crocheting... I am sewing the pieces together now... then I just have to do the edging. Hope I finish it soon. I will definitely take a picture when it is done.

I got $5 from my friend last night... bought 2 dozen eggs and 3 loafs of bread. all that might make me make it till the 1st.

made the soup that I made the other day... cream of broccoli soup, chicken, corn, potatoes, peas and a little seasoning. made some biscuit mix and ate all that.

purged... pre-purge 135.0, post purge 126.8

i guess that is it for now...

Hey...
weight 124.8

today was fine... didnt do much.. walked to the store to take my prescriptions... came home was going to sit outside and read but it got cloudy and I like to sit out in the sun. so I stayed inside and crocheted, I am getting close to finishing the sleeve. I have 20 rows left to do and they are descending rows so they get smaller as I finish.

i bp'd 2 times... I am out of butter and I wanted to make pasta... blech so I ate 2 bags of popcorn... was not as good as some buttered pasta with salt would have been.
I made these turkey burgers that were in my freezer, they had already been thawed once and refrozen, they tasted a little off but I still ate them because I was going to purge them anyway.
I was going to make macaroni salad tomorrow but I think I will try to wait till friday. I am working for my friend tomorrow afternoon/evening. If I can not binge then I will just eat dinner with her and purge when I get home. But not binging when I get home will be hard but I dont have hardly anything. And will have no money till next wednesday. UGGGGG

I just ate 105 calories of sliced peaches and Im going to keep it in. Got to take my meds and im going to bed.
<3

Thanks Laila, I dont like the palpitations either, but the cardiologist I saw a couple years ago said it would be normal for someone with my heart surgery history. But I dont have them often so they are scary when I have them. Love you.

hey.. umm today was alright... weight 125.8 thats up .4 but I am not surprised because I ate 3 stalks of celery with a little pb and raisins. Probably about 200 calories. I ate them right before bed.

I am frustrated, I am not able to taste salty stuff very well, I like salt taste too. I had some mashed potatoes and I eat them in like layers, eat the layer on top with salt then put more salt once that layer is gone, and so on. But I used like 3 times as much salt and still couldnt taste it very much. I even put a little salt in my hand and licked it and it wasnt very salty.

And then I am not feeling full or satisfied with binging, it drives me crazy. I try to get that feeling when I binge but its not happening, I just eat and eat until there is no food, and i eat lots.
Like today I just bp'd on:
a huge bowl of potato salad (largest bowl in the kitchen, potato, celery, miracle whip light, and mustard)
3 ham sandwiches (6 pieces bread, 6 slices thin ham, mustard)
6 hard boiled eggs (about 3 whole eggs and 3 just whites)
2 bowls of cereal
I was STILL hungry but dont have much food to chose from. I need what I have to last till the 1st.
pre-purge 135.2, post-purge 126.6

alright thats it for tonight

uggg i walked to the school to meet my friend for money... went to the store... spent $29.05 out of the $30. walking home with the groceries was bad.. I had a couple palpitations, they feel like balloons in my chest when they happen. (when i saw a cardiologist a couple years ago they said I might have them whenever)
I got in my apartment with the groceries dropped them on the floor and went and laid on the couch, put my feet up on the arm of the couch. My heart rate went from 177 to 79, ohh my gosh it felt horrible dropping like that. massive balloon like feeling in my chest, and then really hard pumping. after about 3 minutes it regulated and my heart rate was about 100.

It spiked back up when I got up and put the groceries away but I could handle it.

i am annoyed with the leggings I am wearing... the legs are loose, but the waist fits... so they feel all weird. annoying

took a couple pictures today.

 Thigh gap (trying to see it here)

 I wish I could see more of my shoulder blades