my legs are huge, i have so much extra skin and fat on my thighs, if you look you can see the actual leg and then the skin and fat hang down.

They are just so disgusting

Ribs and hips... kinda

Pretty boy

uggg so i feel gross... im fat, im always fat... icck

i get money tomorrow... yay!

i bp'd a little bit ago and the food made me nauseous... i dont like that, i want to try to enjoy the food... but i just feel so gross... i guess that is a sign that i should have never eaten. im fat

ummm weight 125.6 Still! well at least it is not up

im tired... i just wanted to go lay down after purging... but i came out to the living room and am using the computer (obviously because I am posting)

I took a bunch of body pics the last week, so im resizing and stuff I might add some later.

it was really warm today, got up to 91, Yay! but very muggy. tomorrow it is supposed to be around 80

i just want to sleep... uggg

uggg i just lost everything i typed... so here I go again

today has been a long day...

lots of food

I purged once at my parents and didnt eat anymore after.

I got home about 2 hours ago and ate the leftovers and just purged...
pre-purge 135.6, post purge 127.4

uggg i feel so fat

I will have time tomorrow to read through journals and post more...
I am really tired.
night

hey, damage weight wise from yesterday 125.6, up .2 but sometimes actually absorbed food might affect my weight for days. I took 1 lax last night, has not worked yet... might have to take another 1 tonight.

It is nice and warm today, about 75 right now... its supposed to get in the mid 80s.

alright i didnt have much to say right now just wanted to post a little before I go to my dads party.

Ugg I feel so utterly disgusting...

I am so NAUSEOUS blech... I purged when I got home... but I couldnt when at my sisters. I was 133.8 before and after 127.6, uggg thats is an end of day weight... I just ate a piece of bread because I am so nauseous.

A bad thunderstorm is coming through so I will make this short, I dont like the computer on with this much lightening. Its like several times a minute right now and its not raining yet. Thundering for the last 10 minutes.

Alright so weight this morning was 125.4, but I think it would have been lower if I did it at my regular time. Tomorrow is going to be early as well, I am gonna hold off measurements till maybe tuesday.

I am taking 1 lax tonight... hopefully it will help a little with going yet not make tomorrows party unbearable. I WILL purge tomorrow at the party. It is at my parents house... it is kinda sucky because their bathroom does not have a lock though... I just have to be careful.

NO body said anything about my weight today, THANK GOD! I was so scared of getting nagged at. I noticed my collarbones so much at the restaurant (they had mirrors on the wall).

Alright weather is worse... i will write tomorrow, probably late again.

hey short post
weight today was 125.4

Im getting close to finishing my shirt. got it all sewed together and im doing the edging now.

today was okay... 2 bps...

tomorrow I have to go with my parents to some baby christening thing of their neighbors. I have to go because I have to be at the dinner on the way home. A dinner for my moms birthday. They are picking me up at 9:30 am UGGGGG if it were not for my moms birthday I would not be going.

Who know what eating will be like tomorrow... 9:30 to dinner time is a long time for my parents and brother to go without eating so it is likely we will somewhere.

alright i just wanted to drop by before i head off to bed... i need to sleep before tomorrow

sorry i didnt post yesterday,
weight is up again UGGGG 125.8 I think it is because at 3 am last night I woke up and ate 3 hard boiled eggs and a can of green beans. I know I purged but I dont remember rinsing. Really sucks.

I worked for my friend last night... I spent like 10 minutes when I was almost done pulling up some plants for her, it was raining some, not heavy but I still got really wet. Then we ate dinner (i had a salad with some chicken) and she brought me home about 8:30pm. Last night when trying to go to sleep my nose is stuffy and runny at the same time... today my sinus's in my cheekbones hurt and my nose is still stuffy and runny... Ugg I think being out in the rain may have made me sick... Hopefully it just stays with my nose and sinus's and that it disappears soon.

I finished the sleeve on the shirt I am crocheting... I am sewing the pieces together now... then I just have to do the edging. Hope I finish it soon. I will definitely take a picture when it is done.

I got $5 from my friend last night... bought 2 dozen eggs and 3 loafs of bread. all that might make me make it till the 1st.

made the soup that I made the other day... cream of broccoli soup, chicken, corn, potatoes, peas and a little seasoning. made some biscuit mix and ate all that.

purged... pre-purge 135.0, post purge 126.8

i guess that is it for now...

Hey...
weight 124.8

today was fine... didnt do much.. walked to the store to take my prescriptions... came home was going to sit outside and read but it got cloudy and I like to sit out in the sun. so I stayed inside and crocheted, I am getting close to finishing the sleeve. I have 20 rows left to do and they are descending rows so they get smaller as I finish.

i bp'd 2 times... I am out of butter and I wanted to make pasta... blech so I ate 2 bags of popcorn... was not as good as some buttered pasta with salt would have been.
I made these turkey burgers that were in my freezer, they had already been thawed once and refrozen, they tasted a little off but I still ate them because I was going to purge them anyway.
I was going to make macaroni salad tomorrow but I think I will try to wait till friday. I am working for my friend tomorrow afternoon/evening. If I can not binge then I will just eat dinner with her and purge when I get home. But not binging when I get home will be hard but I dont have hardly anything. And will have no money till next wednesday. UGGGGG

I just ate 105 calories of sliced peaches and Im going to keep it in. Got to take my meds and im going to bed.
<3

Thanks Laila, I dont like the palpitations either, but the cardiologist I saw a couple years ago said it would be normal for someone with my heart surgery history. But I dont have them often so they are scary when I have them. Love you.

hey.. umm today was alright... weight 125.8 thats up .4 but I am not surprised because I ate 3 stalks of celery with a little pb and raisins. Probably about 200 calories. I ate them right before bed.

I am frustrated, I am not able to taste salty stuff very well, I like salt taste too. I had some mashed potatoes and I eat them in like layers, eat the layer on top with salt then put more salt once that layer is gone, and so on. But I used like 3 times as much salt and still couldnt taste it very much. I even put a little salt in my hand and licked it and it wasnt very salty.

And then I am not feeling full or satisfied with binging, it drives me crazy. I try to get that feeling when I binge but its not happening, I just eat and eat until there is no food, and i eat lots.
Like today I just bp'd on:
a huge bowl of potato salad (largest bowl in the kitchen, potato, celery, miracle whip light, and mustard)
3 ham sandwiches (6 pieces bread, 6 slices thin ham, mustard)
6 hard boiled eggs (about 3 whole eggs and 3 just whites)
2 bowls of cereal
I was STILL hungry but dont have much food to chose from. I need what I have to last till the 1st.
pre-purge 135.2, post-purge 126.6

alright thats it for tonight

uggg i walked to the school to meet my friend for money... went to the store... spent $29.05 out of the $30. walking home with the groceries was bad.. I had a couple palpitations, they feel like balloons in my chest when they happen. (when i saw a cardiologist a couple years ago they said I might have them whenever)
I got in my apartment with the groceries dropped them on the floor and went and laid on the couch, put my feet up on the arm of the couch. My heart rate went from 177 to 79, ohh my gosh it felt horrible dropping like that. massive balloon like feeling in my chest, and then really hard pumping. after about 3 minutes it regulated and my heart rate was about 100.

It spiked back up when I got up and put the groceries away but I could handle it.

i am annoyed with the leggings I am wearing... the legs are loose, but the waist fits... so they feel all weird. annoying

took a couple pictures today.

 Thigh gap (trying to see it here)

 I wish I could see more of my shoulder blades

Hey... Yeah Laila he better get jail time. Thank you love

hmm weight 125.4, wow I am not complaining but I am getting concerned that losing this fast is going to gain it right back. I am not doing anything different either. But I like the weight going down.

my heart rate has been high again today... I had to walk to therapy and my heart rate got up to 198, I just wanted to sit down in the middle of the sidewalk. But I didnt. Earlier i figured out that I had had my hr monitor on for 2 hours 55 minutes and for 2 hours and 5 minutes my heart rate was in the above zone (above 124).
Heck I am sitting on the couch and my heart rate is around 110-115.
I am drinking a lot of water, I ate 4 spoons of applesauce and 2 almonds before walking to therapy. And when I got home I had a rice cake with pb and brown sugar splenda.

Therapy was alright... frustrating, confusing... she asked about my weight, I couldnt tell her I lost more than 6 pounds this week, so I said 3 pounds, she thinks I am 139. She thinks I had 2 days without binging last week. I wish it were true but I failed last week, bp'd everyday.

she said I need to think about what I want... I told her I want/need to lose about 15-18 more pounds (she thinks to 120). she said I cant. I will try to maintain at that weight. She said I wont be able to. But I can give myself permission to eat then. She said I will just binge. ugg

I dont know... I just know I need to lose

On the plus side my BMI is below 17.5 (barely though)

I am getting money from my friend today because I am going to work for her thursday. I am walking to the school (where she works) if the rain holds off.

Damn my butt has been hurting my couch sucks,
I am thinking about what to buy... I am trying to think logically...
bread, milk, lunchmeat, eggs
maybe pasta, potatoes, pizza,

ohh monday measurements:
Hip: 33.25 (34)
LR Hip: 30 (31)
Waist: 23.5
Breast: 29.5
Neck: 11.5
R Thigh: 17.5
L Thigh: 17
RU Arm: 8.5
LU Arm: 8.5 (8.75)
R Wrist: 5.25
L Wrist: 5.25
R Calf: 12
L Calf: 12

Not much change, 2 inches difference, weight loss since last monday: 6.4 lbs
I am gladly surprised.

ohh and I didnt get my period again... even on the pill.

hey...
weight 126.4

doing alright... been crocheting a bunch today... I really want to finish the shirt but as it gets warmer its harder to crochet because the thread gets sweaty from my fingers and it makes my stitches all tight. Its very frustrating

I ate a rice cake with a teaspoon of pb and brown sugar splenda

bp:
a box of lucky charms (makes water green lol, I didnt have any milk so I used water)
4 pieces of tilapia
3 packs of ramen
pre-purge 133.8, post purge 126.4 YAY morning weight!

alright tomorrow is monday... therapy...

the asshole the hurt Kayla was in the paper

hey...
weight 126.8
not bad...

been really exhausted today... my heart rate monitor getting its work. Just getting up and dressed this morning had my heart rate in the mid 180s, and just sitting on the couch my heart rate was 120, resting...  I had to walk to the store to pick up a medication. came back and sat outside (i have a reclining chair) and with my feet up my heart rate returned to normal, 80-85.

came back inside and coming up the stairs is hard, got my heart up to 190, blah

I was so hungry, I mixed a can of cream of potato soup (it said it expired sept. of 2010, but I still used it), a can of corn, a can of peas, and a can of sliced potatoes. I cooked 5 oz of chicken and added that. It turned out okay but I used up most of the rest of my food. Dont know what I am going to do tomorrow. I am going to get money from my friend monday and then work for her thursday.

Pre-purge 136.0, Post purge 128.0

I kinda like the book I started the other day, the one I wrote about but im like 3/4 the way through it now... I read for about 2. 1/2 hours last night, i kept say '1 more chapter, just 1 more'

I am taking my electric blanket off my bed tonight... last night I didnt have it on and I sweated nasty. It was so gross, i hate waking up dripping in sweat.

I guess thats it for tonight

uggg i feel so blah
I was kinda happy-ish with my weight but it only lasted for about 5 minutes but then it was gone
Weight 127.6
It was a big drop so it might not stay

I am tired and just blah... i bp'd it didnt help
i just want to sleep for a few days... till I can get some money... but you know what even if I had money for more food I dont think I would feel much better... I couldnt stop thinking about food last night... What I will buy when I get my money on the first. Not if I work for my friend this week because that is only $30 and should get basics like bread and milk or whatever

my bp:
3 bowls of cereal
8 pull and peel twizlers
1 ham sandwich
6 eggs (2 whole, 4 whites)
8 pieces bread
8 hot dogs
pre-purge 136.8, post purge 128.2

im laying in bed... i just want to sleep but i doubt i can fall asleep
i kinda want to read but not the book i just started

my legs and muscles are so tired... i have a headache uggg
alright thats it

<3 thanks Laila, glad the plateau is gone

hey, weight 129.0
awesome

not much going on today...
I did not sleep well last night... I hope I sleep better tonight

I had 2 bp's today
1:
3 ham sandwiches
3 turkey burgers
1 can of green beans
2 servings baby carrots
2:
2 servings of mashed potatoes with gravy
4 pieces of Mahi Mahi fish
3 packs of ramen
1 package of biscuits
pre-purge: 138.4 post purge: 129.8

im tired... i read for 2 hours last night, finished the book I was reading. Got a new one out, started it today I am not sure I am going to stick with it, I like the medical/suspense aspect but it also is based on astronauts and space stations

i guess i dont have much to say...

hey... weight 130.0

today I didnt do much... bp'd earlier... french fries, cereal and hot dogs, whats nasty is ive noticed whenever I have milk with cereal (for a binge) the milk like separates in my stomach, its nasty I get clumps of white stuff, like mushy cottage cheese. It is so gross... I have to stop eating cereal or drinking milk when I purge. just thinking about it as I am writing just grosses me out.

My after purge weight was 129.8! Holy cow, i couldnt believe it... I am rarely ever the same weight as my morning weight let alone below it! I hope after this binge I just finished I am still low... Tomorrow I will be in the 120s! YAY!!!

I just finished eating a big bowl of macaroni salad, it was alright well pretty good... I like potato salad more but I had some pasta and tuna, and put some celery and 4 hard boiled eggs

well i guess that is it... i dont have much to say today...

hey
weight 130.8 still down but not back to 130.0

today was alright... nothing outstanding or anything

had 2 bps today...
1=
a package of shrimp
6 servings of rice
butter/salt
2=
3 turkey burgers
8 slices of bread
(2 with butter)
a can of peas
2 boxes scalloped potatoes
1 bag of popcorn
1/2 pack of twizzlers pull and peel
Pre-purge 141.4, post purge 132.0

I stayed up a little last night reading... I love reading but sometimes it just makes my head hurt so bad. I really want to read again... the book i am reading is good but my eyes/head already hurt :( blahh

uggg weather is crap today... yesterday was too...

ohh i walked 3.15 miles yesterday... to therapy and the store and home.

alright i guess this is it for tonight...
<3

hey... weight 131.8 down but not far enough

I got my bus tickets in the mail today, YAY!

today was alright... therapy okay, I basically told my therapist I want to lose about 20 more pounds. (she thinks to 120)
She thinks I am 142, She said if I got to the 130s and my dr had any say she would try to put me in the hospital. I said but im not unhealthy, she said but you might be in the 130s. (Little does she realize I have been in the 130s for over a month and im still healthy.

She brought up BMI standards... I told her I will be not as fat when I am underweight. She said you are not fat with a BMI of 19, 20 ,21. I said I am superfat until I get underweight then Im just not AS fat. (but still fat)

But we didnt talk to much about it because it was the end of the session.

alright today was monday measurements
Hips: 34 (34.5)
LR Hips: 31 (32)
Waist: 23.5 (23.75)
Breast: 29.5 (30
Neck: 11.5
R Thigh: 17.5 (17.75)
L Thigh: 17
RU Arm: 8.5
LU Arm: 8.75 (9)
R Wrist: 5.25
L Wrist: 5.25
R Calf: 12 (12.25)
L Calf: 12 (12.25)

Inches lost: 3.25 Weight difference since last monday: 2.4 lbs

Alright well I wished I would still be underweight today and I am JUST BARELY, 132.6
Blah im a fat ass

I bp'd...
a package of hot dogs,
a turkey sandwich
a ham sandwich
1/2 bag of french fries
salad with dressing
Pre-purge 139.0, post purge 132.6
Okay my post purge is my morning weight

Good note about yesterday my heart monitor stats:
Max hr: 221
Avg hr: 121
Hr below 96: 6 hours 33 minutes
Hr between 96-124: 7 hours 8 minutes
Hr above 124: 5 hours 31 minutes
Calories burned: 5632
Fat burned: 731g

So I think like a pound of fat = 3500 calories and I burned like 1 and a half of them, so that is good. I wore the heart monitor longer than usual though, (I dont ever get up at 6 am, but thats when I put it on to go to my sisters)

uggg its only 3:30 in the afternoon and I am ready to go back to bed.
I might go lay down, i have to be up early tomorrow... therapy
I dont want a bunch of bps today.

its all rainy out today... 41 degrees... ugg friday it got up to 80 but of course that wouldnt last... its supposed to be mid 50s tomorrow and rain... YUK
alright i will write more later if I get up or anything...

uggg i am totally disgusting
good thing: i was 130.0 this morning (6 hours earlier than my normal weigh in time because i went to my sisters)
bad thing: I got home a little while ago and weighed myself 135.0! CRAP! I purged there too, even rinsed, i didnt think i got it all up but jeez not that bad. im binging now... uggg and my niece and nephew are over here, kayla is sleeping, nick is watching tv in the livingroom (im in the bedroom)

today was okay otherwise
my sister picked me up at 6 am... went to her place did laundry, went to kaylas dance recital (she did awesome!) went to mcdonalds got a sundae (small fudge), went back to their house. made the kids lunch. ate. purged. did more laundry, cleaned, played with the kids, did the dishes, cooked dinner, ate purged, finished laundry, watched tv with the kids, came home, now binging
Wonderful

I am disgusted with myself

hey... today has been okay
weight 131.0 I think i broke my plateau
I am officially underweight by BMI standards now :)
I finally went to the bathroom too, it had been over a week and a half and it was hurting my belly.

Tonight after all my bping my end weight is 131.8
I ate and kept in a rice cake with 2 teaspoons peanut butter and 1 teaspoon brown sugar splenda

I ate a fresh pineapple today YUM but my tongue and stomach are not as happy lol, too much acid

I made potato salad, that was yummy, i ate it all... i want more but have no more potatoes or money... I hope I can work for my friend this coming week.

my sister is picking me up when she gets done with work tomorrow morning... at 6 am uggg but i need to do laundry really bad. im gonna try to come home later tomorrow but i may have to wait till sunday. Gas is expensive here and I dont want to make my sister drive if she doesnt have to.

hmmm im hungry... im taking a bag of salad to my sisters, I have to be smart eating there.
alright well i guess that is it for tonight. its bedtime

I got the money, I ordered my ticket YAY!!! It will be a 7 and a half hour bus ride but YAY! (including layover)

i ended up eating a can of cream corn, a can of beans, 4 slices bread and butter, 2 ham sandwiches. purged... post purge weight 133.0 OKAY seriously I NEED to be BELOW that tomorrow!

I need to find another book to read... I have 4 that someone gave me all by Tess Gerritsen. Im gonna look at those see which was written first and start that. I also have 2 by Heather Graham, and one called The Killing Storm.
Why is it so hard to choose a book? they are all mine so its not like I am worried I wont have time to finish it or something. It was easy choosing the one I finished last night... I REALLY wanted to read it. hmmm I want to read The Maximum Ride series by James Patterson. that sounds good

uggg so because I wore capris today the bottom portion on my shins is also sunburned... and whats weird is that when my legs or feet become sunburned they itch... and it HURTS to itch them... lol
the area around my collarbones and my neck is more sore... its supposed to be nice and sunny out tomorrow... I REALLY want to sit out but I dont think my skin can take being burned again... :( I will try more sunscreen, maybe the shade but I dont like sitting in the shade when its not at least 80 degrees because I still get chilly

alright... its almost bedtime... my case worker is coming tomorrow...

uggg im waiting for my adoptive mom to bring over the money for my bus ticket, I wanted to take it down to the bank and order the ticket tonight... she said she would be here after she got out of work (at 3) it is now 20 to 6. I called and she said she would leave soon and that was at 4:50. grrr
There will be enough money left over that I can pick up a couple things at the store too... I really want to get some food... I have not bp'd today... I am HUNGRY, I have eaten a little too, blahhh, 4 slices of pineapple, 1 rice cake with 1 teaspoon peanut butter and 1 teaspoon brown sugar splenda, and 2 almonds. Blahh FATTY

my weight was 133.0 AGAIN but at least it was not a gain

I put on a pair of capris today... a size 4 but I dont think they are accurate in size because I tried on the 5s at the store last week and they didnt fit. But it is nice to fit in these, i couldnt wear them at all last summer.

Ugg crap, I was sitting outside again today. I put on sunscreen BUT I STILL BURNED AGAIN!!! I absolutely LOVE sitting out in the sun though. uggg stupid me

Hey...
weight 133.0 same as last night.... but 1.2 less than yesterday morning...
but im still stuck above 132.6 I have been fluctuating between 133-135.4 for almost 2 weeks UGGGG

Today was frustrating... 3 bps... i have to stop... i am running out of food and i have no money.

i went for a walk today... 2.36 miles... 38 minutes of aerobic walking, i didnt walk fast because my legs are still bothering me. my pedometer says i burned 162 cals and 10.7 g of fat. my heart monitor says i burned 1343 for the day and 174 g of fat.

I have been reading a lot today... started a new book last night on page 342 out of 395 pages... REALLY GOOD BOOK- James Pattersons new Womens Murder Club book- 10th Anniversary

i have to wrap this up i need to purge
I hope to lose weight tomorrow but i am doubting it, my post purge weight earlier was 135.0, and im going to purge in a minute and i usually dont break lower than earlier in the day post purge weights.
<3 later

hey...
weight 134.2 ugg plateau??

today has been okay... therapy this morning... didnt really talk much about eating stuff

it was pretty nice out today. 60 degrees... later this week it will be 70-75 I AM SO EXCITED but its not supposed to last long.
Ohh crap I got a sunburn today... I FORGOT it does not have to be hot to get sunburned... uggg attaching a pic

ugg so not good... I dont mind sunburns that much but I have been trying to be more protective of my face the past few years.









today was measurement day
Hip: 34.5
LR Hip: 32
Waist: 23.75 (24)
Breast: 30
Neck: 11.5
R Thigh: 17.75 (18)
L Thigh: 17 (17.5)
RU Arm: 8.5 (8.75)
LU Arm: 9
R Wrist: 5.25
L Wrist: 5.25
R Calf: 12.25
L Calf: 12.25

Difference 1.25 inches, weight difference since last monday: exactly the same

I bp'd 2 times... kinda freaked a little when I realized I ate fish bones. I was scared to purge. But all went well

My after purge weight was 133.0 Im really glad, its 1.2 lower than this mornings weight YAY

hey... weight 133.6, okay i will accept that... i thought it would be up

I didnt have much to eat last night... i ate 3 sandwiches and 5 small cookies and 5 marshmallows
purged...

ive bp'd once today already... and purged the brunch when i got home.
gonna bp again... soon im hungry

i asked my parents for money for a bus ticket to go see my mom.
They agreed, and to let me pay back a little each month.

I called my mom and told her, she is glad. I hope to go down on the 7th of June

heres a couple pictures
Aiden

Me today

Thigh gap last week

 

Hey...
weight BLAHH 133.8 ?? Why I dont know...

I REALLY dont think tomorrows weight is going to be any better. I went over to my nieces house and had a 'dinner' there, I didnt binge but I ate some ham, potatoes, and corn, then a little bit later some apple pie... I purged... not like I would at home because I didnt have the time or the safe privacy.
I got to my parents house... helped my mom with some stuff, ate a little, helped my mom on the computer, showered (purged), still couldnt do the purging like I usually do. No rinsing or anything. But I purged about 3 pounds.
I am waiting for everyone to go to bed so I can find some food to eat... I WANT TO EAT SO BAD, my mom just went upstairs. THANKFULLY she cant make me go to bed when she wants me to.
I dont know what I am going to find to eat... i cant really cook anything, or get anything too big because this is not my house and not my food. I dont want to be caught either.

UGGGG what to do what to do????

Alright im gonna go look around a bit... i will write tomorrow...
about my nasty weight and fatness... uggg

i am taking my camera so maybe i might get a couple shots of family and me...

hey
weight 133.0
im not complaining because i didnt sleep very well.
I tend to gain or stay the same if i dont sleep
I didnt even fall asleep until 5:30, and slept for about an hour, then about 4 hours off and on till about 12

My drs office called in the medication for my stomach, i dont have to make an appointment Yay!, the pharmacy wont have the medication until monday afternoon, blahhh

ive bpd 2 times today... kinda want to again too lol we will see (I probably will)

it was warmer today... about 62, and sunny for the most part. I sat outside in the sun for about an hour. (in my new chair) Darn thing is heavy though...
Alright i guess that is it for tonight

hey im back... just a quick note
i ate dinner with my friend, lasagna, salad, and a roll

got home... ate potato salad, pizza and a couple hard boiled eggs
Pre-purge 145.2, post purge 134.4

we will see how tomorrow goes... not going to say im not going to binge but im not going to say i will

i didnt hear back from my drs office... maybe tomorrow...
alright night guys

hey...
weight 133.2

my stomach has been acting up... like really bad heartburn... doesnt make sense... im on so much prilosec. I feel like I am getting gastritis again. I called the dr and asked if they would prescribe me the karafate without seeing me. I have to wait for a call back. I hope I dont have to go back in. This has been a problem in the past so I hope she will understand.

well my plan to not binge today kinda went out the window... I ate some fruit because my stomach was hurting... but I put a little chocolate syrup on some strawberries... then ate the last of the ice cream in the freezer. I was planning on purging. So I then mashed up a little of the potatoes I just cooked for potato salad. Probably like 3 servings of potatoes I ate, and then 2 egg whites (from boiled eggs). So it was like a binge but it wasnt a lot like my binges.

I am going over to my friends house to work soon... I will try to post when I get back

just bp'd
getting ready to go lay down, i only got 2-3 hours of sleep last night (well like 6-9 this morning)

2 sandwiches- bread, ham, cheese- toasted
3 packs of popcan biscuits
butter
10 pieces of shrimp
pre-purge 145.8 post purge 136.0 Uhh ohh I am not liking these numbers so high

I purged until I just got acid

my stomach acid has been nastier lately, its odd too because I take a maximum dose of prilosec a day to keep my acid levels low.

Last night (2 am) when I ate and purged the acid combination with my meds from 5 hours before was enough to make me vomit uncontrolled. Not something I particularly like. Dill pickle, meds, and acid = AWFUL combination. ohh and the broccoli from earlier was an added nastiness

I did not binge yesterday. During the day, I kinda did at the 2 am but technically that was today. So I CAN SAY I DIDNT BINGE ON MAY 3rd. Even eating out at the chinese buffet, 3 plates may seem like a binge but not too many people I know wont eat that much at a buffet or more. I was not even full when we left. So I do not classify that as a binge.

alright im gonna try to sneak a nap in... later <3

hey... weight 134.0 down from 135.2 yesterday... still gross though

went grocery shopping... i am so SCREWED financially I spent all my foodstamps and I have about $20 left in the bank. I havnt even sent several things I need to mail... one food swap thing to the uk and my mothers gift for mothers day.

I would REALLY like to go see my mom but how can I do that without money. ugggg a round trip ticket costs over $150.

I want to binge to get rid of the old foods that i cant keep in, but im not really hungry and i dont want to binge at the same time. I bought a bunch of good stuff grocery shopping... tried to plan things that i might be able to keep in. Things I might not be as prone to binge on.

my case worker started asking a lot of questions... she said I look very thin, she hoped I was not getting to where I was several years ago, I know what I need to be doing, Ive been in treatment several times, and even outpatient (for ed) is not going to help. I know what I am supposed to be doing.
I dont need ed treatment but just her saying that was pissing me off, people with eds can be in treatment for years and in and out of different treatment centers.  But because I have been IP in one place and in 4 partials (3 different ones). I should just be able to be 'normal'?

Whatever

the sun is shining today but its not even 50 degrees... uggg i want it WARM and SUNNY

okay maybe i am hungry... to binge or not? I think i want to ... and tomorrow I can plan a good day. I am going to work for my friend and i usually have dinner there. (I wish i was getting paid but she paid me last week for working this week)

BLAH I hate money problems!

hey...
weight is f*ed up... I purged for an hour last night and still could not get 3 bagels up (got everything else though), Stupid body
I took 4 lax, I am so glad that is 'a lot' for me... but man so much more painful than 1

I had therapy today... very frustrated with this 'I eat 1000-1200 calories a day to stay my weight, my itty bitty weight' MY THERAPIST SAID THAT

she thinks 114 is itty bitty, I am MASSIVE UGGGGG

I ate 2 pineapple rings at 2:30, went out with a friend for chinese (did not binge). Lax were still working (still are lol) so going to the store with her after I had to go to the bathroom. I wanted to purge but I told myself I wouldnt with her, i could when i got home. She knows about my ed and she sees the same therapist as me. I had to go to the bathroom again at the next store... She looked at me weird when i came out. I told her some foods with grease bother me since i had my gallbladder out. She said that sucks... so I hope she believed me. I really didnt purge.

i got home a little while ago... drank some water, purged... weight is still crap even though the lax are working.

I just made some broccoli... im keeping it in.

got some more crochet thread, one purple to finish the shirt i am making and then 4 pink for a different top.
we went to target because my friend wanted to get a couple tops. I tried on a pair of jeans and jean knee length shorts... I dont know what I was thinking... I tried 5s... but like my hip bones are too big... I KNOW I am fat but my hip bones are there, you can feel them, not much around them but that just means im big. I wore today a pair of junior 7s and they were a little loose. I dont know... i was going to try some on tomorrow at walmart but i dont know im so fat

uggg alright i guess that is it for tonight... my legs are hurting a lot and im tired

I go grocery shopping tomorrow with my case worker... I need to buy smart... i only have about $100 in food stamps

I am so frustrated and pissed at myself… I took 2 sleeping pills last night because I was not falling asleep… well I think I ate (well I know I ate) but I dont remember it. I have figured out what is missing and its a lot… 3 bagels, cream cheese, 4 eggs, 1/4 brick of cheese and some ham. I dont think I purged because my weight today is up to 134.2, yesterday it was 132.8

WTF I have eaten and not remembered it since I was on ambien, im so disgusting

blah weight 132.8 no change... ugg

tomorrow is the last day for the weightloss competition... I was hoping to get a little lower.

today i had 2 bps... rather large ones too... last bp pre-purge 144.4 and post purge 134.2

im tired... i dont have therapy tomorrow... i have it on tuesday instead...

so much for my thoughts last week on stopping bping... didnt make it 1 day... but at least i had a couple moments of strength. not eating to the fullest, stopping myself early... but i should have done more...
the last couple days i have had no resisting bp blah im fat

i really hate when the inside of your nose smells like vomit. ive changed, i washed, but the smell is still there. I wish I could wash the inside of my nose

i hate feeling fat... blah...