hey... im confused... not sure what to think...

I called my moms social worker in the hospital where she is and was talking about the progress to get her up here (where I live) in the nursing home... I was told that she needed that level of care.

well the social worker said oh your mom is looking into a 1st floor apartment down here and trying to get inhome nursing care. woah- okay i talked to my mom yesterday night she said nothing about that. I am all for it if she does not have to be in a nursing home. but she was planning to relocate... closer to me and my brother. why the sudden change, have I been pushing her too much?

I dont know... I talked to her a little while ago... she said she didnt say anything because she didn't know if anything had changed. well telling the doctors and social worker that you WONT go to the nursing home does change things... dont get me wrong i feel for her, the stress of being sick but i am stressing with her, trying to do things to help, figure things out...

i dont know i dont mean to sound rude or anything... i know this is a lot for her, i just wish it were easier to find the answers

i guess that is it for right now.. hugs <3

hey... im very blahh... just want to sleep... not sure whats going on... not a good day...

handed in the application for my mom to go to the nursing home...

hmmm i guess thats all im too tired love ya ladies

well today has been one of those days... uggg...

my mom is definitely going to a nursing home... i am trying to make it so she can come to the one up near me. so much work and i tell you it is frustrating as all get out... ridiculous

my niece turned off my cell phone today... very mad about that... she said i was talking to renee about her and her boyfriend and talking crap... she said she wanted the phone back. i asked her what she was talking about and then if she would wait to turn off my phone till i got paid... nope of course not stupid me
i did ask renee to be on her plan... now why did she have me go with jess... now im screwed

renee is supposed to be asking her boyfriend if i can have his extra line but who knows if i can... i am willing to pay...

so tired... fat and tired... thats me

i went back to the library today... first time in over a year... it was not horrible... the building didn't fall in on me... i am still alive and well... I go back monday... we will see how often i can go and be good

school starts back up soon...

tiger has a vet appointment on the 7th of sept. fun...
alright my bed is calling me <3

Hey... just wanted to say hi and how my day went... got up at 5 am and my sister and I left to drive 4 hours to see my mom... (I am so very lucky to have my sister)
My mom is still in the hospital... she looks so different than the last time I saw her... so skinny and frail looking. It has been 4 years...

Talked to the doctors and charge nurse and they are not sure what is going on... she has been in the hospital for over a week and they dont know. My mom believes she does not have breast cancer, I want her to get a second opinion because scar tissue does not just develop out of nowhere.

I sat with my mom during her physical therapy... she cannot stand by herself, let alone walk... it was very shocking to see her like this.

The doctors are talking about transferring her to a different hospital, my mom, myself and renee (my sister) talked about her being transfered somewhere up near where I live. My mom has pretty much decided that she will do this... it is hard to think about though because as it is right now if she is diagnosed in the hospital she will be sent to a rehab facility... or nursing home. My mom is only 49, a nursing may not be the long term answer if she can learn to walk and get around safely. But right now that is not possible.

The problem is her brain... something is wrong... they are talking about huntingtons disease, a genetic disorder... (Recently at my apartment complex a man died from this disease) so it can be lethal. but it also can take years to ruin your body.

My sister said something odd... my mom was eating her lunch and my sister was looking kind of past my mom at the tv and my mom thought she was watching her eat... she asked my sister to not watch her eat. my sister said 'do you have an eating disorder' and now she is almost insistent that she does because we are similar in a lot of that area... my mom has lost a lot of weight recently, I mean like close to 50 pounds since january... but when i saw her in 2006 she was heavyset... I would say about 250... but now she barely weighs 140, (and she is taller than me)
So my sister thinks that because of this and just talking to her she believes my mom has an eating disorder.. I dont know what to believe, I see similarities but she might just be a healthy eater. (and she walks a lot)

Either way if it is from what is making her so sick or if it is an eating disorder there is still something wrong.

I dont really like the idea of her having an ed either... well i dont like the fact that people have them at all but I have grown to accept that... but my mom? that feels different and bad I dont want her to have felt the way I felt... well I dont wish that on anyone but i dont know i am confusing myself sorry if i put my foot in my mouth...

Thats is for now... I am so tired... its after 10 pm and I have to be up at 8 am... will write more later and post a picture of me and my mom

going to see my mom tomorrow... still in the hospital

my mom is still in the hospital... they are not sure when she might come home... they want to make sure she can walk without falling and hurting herself
They have done lots of tests. i am glad the hospital is doing so much, not just dismissing her...

i have not weighed myself in a week or so, scared to... feel so very fat... my size 8 short/capri things are getting tight... they were a little big when i got them, i purged yesterday... but only once... none today... but i probably should have, ate ice cream

alright love you guys

hey sorry i havnt posted in awhile... been doing alright eating and stuff, not purging a lot... thats good

bad news... my mom (real mom) is in the hospital... she cant walk straight, something is wrong, she has not really said much about the breast cancer... but when her mom was diagnosed she had it spread to her brain and died in about 6 months. my mom has had 3 MRIs of her brain today and and ultrasound of her neck, and heart, they want a MRI of her neck too.
they said it could be a stroke, tia, (both ruled out), multiple sclerosis, or huntingtons, or the cancer. and this is saying i do believe she has the cancer, she wont tell me for sure

I dont know i am scared I hope this doesnt turn out to be serious (as in deadly) I dont know... i am not sure what to do or think...

well I am another year older... 28 now... blah lol

unfortunately I am as fat as ever, but I am trying to not worry about that right now... letting myself try to enjoy the day.

I didn't go overboard eating... I did have some zucchini bread... that is a hard temptation to resist...
I see my psychiatrist tomorrow... I am so much fatter since I saw her last yuk

I walked 5.1 miles... gotta try to do something more... gotta lose a little weight
alright luv you ladies

hey... i dont know what it wrong with me tonight... i just want to cry, no real reason... I went to the store and bought a bunch of crap... spent money that I don't really have... what my sister pays me for watching the kids will have to go toward my electric bill... I have no idea how much it will be... now im pissed at myself...

I dont know I thought I would feel better after shopping... lol of course not thats just crap... who can really feel better spending money you dont have... causing more problems...

I am supposed to go out with mark this weekend... I feel disgusting... how can I let him see me... but then I feel very sad if I think of not seeing him. This is ridiculous

I used lax yesterday... lost 8 pounds... that is so gross... I am so utterly fat.... Started walking a little more now... eating less, purging more bad foods... I cannot keep bad foods, my body doesn't handle them... it get fatter...

I am 171... BLAHHGGGG Barf
last year this time I was a good 30 pounds lighter

I want to be healthy and better but I do not want to be fat... fatter

 I LOVE this picture!!!

Hey loves, just dropping by for a minute...
I got a new laptop today, very happy with it... Asked my friend last night and she came out today and got one with me... it was $356, not bad, she is taking $100 off the price for my birthday. So I will pay her $50 a month and if I work for her I can decide to work it off or get money.

Things are good with Mark... nervous still... he has not had any other relationships, he says he has thought about me often but didn't know how to find me. He told me Saturday that he has not had another girlfriend or anything because he has never 'gotten over' me... WOW!

I can't believe that he has thought about me this long, I mean I should not be that surprised I have been thinking about him. But seriously about me?

I have to just accept that he feels the way he does, not dismiss it. We are going out this weekend... not sure what we are doing but just being with him is what matters. Financially I cant afford much anyway.

My mom went to the surgeon today for the masses in her breast and they looked her over, checked the masses and then told her he would have to refer her to someone else... What the Heck? The did not give her any explanation. just said go see this doctor... not even what this new doctor treats. uggg If things start to get bad for her I may end up going down there to help her. I hope it doesn't lead to that but she has no one... my brothers have left her out to dry without anyone... they are not caring about her.

I dont know...