hmmm today has been a day of bp
weight today 132.8 (i think it would have been lower but i got up early and bp'd)
I got up at 9 am and walked to mcdonalds... ate over 2300 calories 3 bacon, egg and cheese biscuits, 3 hashbrowns, and 3 orange juices.
Stopped at the store on the way home, got lunchmeat and cheese, i forgot that yesterday
Got home purged... pre-purge 138.0, post purge 132.8
laid down and went back to sleep
got up, weighed again 132.8
went outside and sat in the sun for awhile, read.
put a vegetable lasagna in the oven... it had to cook for 2 hours
after about an hour i just had to eat... so i ate 4 bagels and cream cheese... purged... i had to make room for the lasagna.
The lasagna was done... YUM I ate all 12 servings...
pre-purge 143.8 post purge 133.2
so I added up most of the calories I had today, it was over 8000 Yikes!
my arm muscles and my neck muscle are really sore from carrying the heavy bags yesterday...
im like nauseous hungry blah I cant afford to eat again tonight... Im tired anyway
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Friday, April 29, 2011
hey, weight today 133.0
im really tired today... I got up around 11:30... did a few things around my place... then went to the bank to get money... got 2 subs from subway (to take home for later), and then 2 orders of sweet and sour chicken.
Went to the store... bought somethings I know I will bp on...
Got this frozen strawberry lemonade from mcdonalds... it was not as good as it looked
went home, carrying 3 big bags of stuff from the store, and the bag of take out foods (subs and chinese)
I felt like I was dying, my legs are so messed up
I ate the chinese, lots of water... purged... pre-purge 139.8, post purge 133.8
i laid down for awhile...
just ate the subs and 2 bagels with cream cheese... water... purged... pre-purge 139.0, post purge 133.6
i want to eat more but i need to wait till tomorrow... I might get a dill pickle
i guess that is it... im still very tired so I am likely to go to bed early (its already 9 pm so not long now)
im really tired today... I got up around 11:30... did a few things around my place... then went to the bank to get money... got 2 subs from subway (to take home for later), and then 2 orders of sweet and sour chicken.
Went to the store... bought somethings I know I will bp on...
Got this frozen strawberry lemonade from mcdonalds... it was not as good as it looked
went home, carrying 3 big bags of stuff from the store, and the bag of take out foods (subs and chinese)
I felt like I was dying, my legs are so messed up
I ate the chinese, lots of water... purged... pre-purge 139.8, post purge 133.8
i laid down for awhile...
just ate the subs and 2 bagels with cream cheese... water... purged... pre-purge 139.0, post purge 133.6
i want to eat more but i need to wait till tomorrow... I might get a dill pickle
i guess that is it... im still very tired so I am likely to go to bed early (its already 9 pm so not long now)
Thursday, April 28, 2011
hey...
weight 134.0 back down
well i dont know about this not binging... i binged again today... and kind of want to again... I am going to try to delay it perhaps not do it...
I didnt binge till painfully full but I still ate a lot
2 turkey burgers on bread and ketchup
3 ham and cheese sandwiches
1 cheese sandwich
a bowl of salad with dressing
3/4 bag of baby carrots with dressing/dip
water
pre-purge 144.0, post purge 136.6 (thats up a lot because I ate watermelon earlier today I think)
Im tired, which is stupid because ive only been up for like 7 hours.
Finished the sleeve of the shirt I am crocheting... I got to make another sleeve now... then just the trim and putting it together. I need another ball of crochet thread though
i dont know i guess i dont have much to say today
my case worker was here today... we talked a bit... mentioned how my dr thinks maybe the leg pains might be lack of nutrients or something, i also said I eat pretty healthy so if nutrients are missing then what do i need to eat fast food all the time?
She asked if I have been purging at all, or more. I said I have been better and i have been worse, it is true, i dont think she really knows i have binged though... thats good because she would be disgusted. I am disgusting.
She asked how my weight was, where abouts it was. I said 140s (thats what my dr and therapist think)
She said okay, then something about getting to 100 or 99 and I really dont know what she said about it because I heard the numbers and I was like does she think I can get that low?
but she didnt focus or continue talking about it.
alright i guess thats it
weight 134.0 back down
well i dont know about this not binging... i binged again today... and kind of want to again... I am going to try to delay it perhaps not do it...
I didnt binge till painfully full but I still ate a lot
2 turkey burgers on bread and ketchup
3 ham and cheese sandwiches
1 cheese sandwich
a bowl of salad with dressing
3/4 bag of baby carrots with dressing/dip
water
pre-purge 144.0, post purge 136.6 (thats up a lot because I ate watermelon earlier today I think)
Im tired, which is stupid because ive only been up for like 7 hours.
Finished the sleeve of the shirt I am crocheting... I got to make another sleeve now... then just the trim and putting it together. I need another ball of crochet thread though
i dont know i guess i dont have much to say today
my case worker was here today... we talked a bit... mentioned how my dr thinks maybe the leg pains might be lack of nutrients or something, i also said I eat pretty healthy so if nutrients are missing then what do i need to eat fast food all the time?
She asked if I have been purging at all, or more. I said I have been better and i have been worse, it is true, i dont think she really knows i have binged though... thats good because she would be disgusted. I am disgusting.
She asked how my weight was, where abouts it was. I said 140s (thats what my dr and therapist think)
She said okay, then something about getting to 100 or 99 and I really dont know what she said about it because I heard the numbers and I was like does she think I can get that low?
but she didnt focus or continue talking about it.
alright i guess thats it
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
hey... weight 134.4 (WTF? up .4)
today was alright not real good with not binging though... ehh tomorrow i will try to be better.
I went to the store... I was being really good there, bought salad, rice cakes, ham, cheese, bread, watermelon and then a 4 pack of muffins (not good).
I had $3 left over and I walk right by a little hot dog/hamburger stand to the store and back. So I bought a cheeseburger. Ate that walking home. Got home ate the muffins and 2 sandwiches. Purged.
Ate 1 rice cake.
It was really nice here for part of the day. It got up to almost 80. I sat outside and crocheted for about 45 minutes. Then the firewhistle was going off and it was really windy and I just kept thinking I wonder how they would warn people here about tornados when they are not that common. So I went inside and got on the computer. ONLY to see A TORNADO WATCH for all of western ny. SO SCARY... I live upstairs... it is not good to be upstairs if there is a tornado. I was thinking okay what would I do? I would grab tiger and put him in his carrier, and go downstairs in the hallway.
ehh so its almost 9 pm now and the tornado watch is over at 10 pm... thankfully nothing happened... some bad rain and thunder but its okay
i just bp'd... I didnt really think about it too much... I just was like I want mashed potatoes, but its silly to make one serving... and im hungry... so I made 6 (usually i make 12), and gravy, and 2 turkey burgers on bread, 5 slices of bread and butter, 32 oz water, 1/8 of a watermelon, a ham and cheese sandwich.
Pre purge- 144.4, post purge 135.4
I just ate 2 dill pickle spears. getting ready to go to bed shortly...
today was alright not real good with not binging though... ehh tomorrow i will try to be better.
I went to the store... I was being really good there, bought salad, rice cakes, ham, cheese, bread, watermelon and then a 4 pack of muffins (not good).
I had $3 left over and I walk right by a little hot dog/hamburger stand to the store and back. So I bought a cheeseburger. Ate that walking home. Got home ate the muffins and 2 sandwiches. Purged.
Ate 1 rice cake.
It was really nice here for part of the day. It got up to almost 80. I sat outside and crocheted for about 45 minutes. Then the firewhistle was going off and it was really windy and I just kept thinking I wonder how they would warn people here about tornados when they are not that common. So I went inside and got on the computer. ONLY to see A TORNADO WATCH for all of western ny. SO SCARY... I live upstairs... it is not good to be upstairs if there is a tornado. I was thinking okay what would I do? I would grab tiger and put him in his carrier, and go downstairs in the hallway.
ehh so its almost 9 pm now and the tornado watch is over at 10 pm... thankfully nothing happened... some bad rain and thunder but its okay
i just bp'd... I didnt really think about it too much... I just was like I want mashed potatoes, but its silly to make one serving... and im hungry... so I made 6 (usually i make 12), and gravy, and 2 turkey burgers on bread, 5 slices of bread and butter, 32 oz water, 1/8 of a watermelon, a ham and cheese sandwich.
Pre purge- 144.4, post purge 135.4
I just ate 2 dill pickle spears. getting ready to go to bed shortly...
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
hey... weight 134.0 (i think, i weighed myself, turned on the computer, took my meds, ate a fruit cup, then got ready to write my weight on my log (on the computer) and I couldnt remember the exact weight I know it was down but I even wrote 144 though... I noticed it later)
So I didnt want to weigh myself again after I drank and ate a fruit cup.
I was trying not to binge... I think this is going to be a long process... I purposely kept in the fruit cup (70 cals) at 9:20 am and then 10 baby carrots at 2:30 pm
I tried cooking a piece of fish (tilapia) at 5:45 pm but as i was getting it out of the freezer I saw 1/2 bag of french fries, I grabbed them. grabbed 4 pieces of fish.
Turned on the oven, got the pan for the fish, put the fries in the oven, cooked the fish... looked in the cupboard for more food. Grabbed a box of tuna helper. got stuff to make that... started cooking that...finished the fish... ate it... finished the fries, finished the tuna helper, ate the fries, 20 oz water, then ate the tuna helper...
I could have eaten more but I stopped...
I actually stopped.
went and purged... pre purge 143.8, post purge 135.0
so of course im mad at myself for binging... I tried to do just a piece of fish... it was low cal, i should have been okay... but i just went crazy. is this what it is going to be like?
I know I am not going to stop myself from binging all the time but I would like to have some control over it.
Like I KNOW I am going to binge on friday and I have given myself the okay
I am going to the store tomorrow... gonna try to get some ham and cheese and bread. I want to try to have a toasted ham and cheese sandwich or 2 (because some people can eat 2 sandwiches and not have it be a binge- normal people) but I will purge it... so does that really make it a binge then?
I dont know im all confused on this reducing binging thing
plus side- i didnt get my period this month.... (I am on the pill too) but I got it last month but not the month before that... I wonder if I will get it next month... i can hope not lol
i am trying not to binge again tonight. I think I am hungry though... i dont know... I might allow 1 teaspoon sunflower seeds (15). Or 5 almonds (35 cals) I dont know
So I didnt want to weigh myself again after I drank and ate a fruit cup.
I was trying not to binge... I think this is going to be a long process... I purposely kept in the fruit cup (70 cals) at 9:20 am and then 10 baby carrots at 2:30 pm
I tried cooking a piece of fish (tilapia) at 5:45 pm but as i was getting it out of the freezer I saw 1/2 bag of french fries, I grabbed them. grabbed 4 pieces of fish.
Turned on the oven, got the pan for the fish, put the fries in the oven, cooked the fish... looked in the cupboard for more food. Grabbed a box of tuna helper. got stuff to make that... started cooking that...finished the fish... ate it... finished the fries, finished the tuna helper, ate the fries, 20 oz water, then ate the tuna helper...
I could have eaten more but I stopped...
I actually stopped.
went and purged... pre purge 143.8, post purge 135.0
so of course im mad at myself for binging... I tried to do just a piece of fish... it was low cal, i should have been okay... but i just went crazy. is this what it is going to be like?
I know I am not going to stop myself from binging all the time but I would like to have some control over it.
Like I KNOW I am going to binge on friday and I have given myself the okay
I am going to the store tomorrow... gonna try to get some ham and cheese and bread. I want to try to have a toasted ham and cheese sandwich or 2 (because some people can eat 2 sandwiches and not have it be a binge- normal people) but I will purge it... so does that really make it a binge then?
I dont know im all confused on this reducing binging thing
plus side- i didnt get my period this month.... (I am on the pill too) but I got it last month but not the month before that... I wonder if I will get it next month... i can hope not lol
i am trying not to binge again tonight. I think I am hungry though... i dont know... I might allow 1 teaspoon sunflower seeds (15). Or 5 almonds (35 cals) I dont know
Monday, April 25, 2011
Alright... hey... yesterdays weight 135.0
Todays weight 134.4 Not bad because there was the chance of gaining with eating yesterday
Well yesterday was alright... long... I got there at about 2 pm... we ate at about 3... I ate normalish (for normal people), ham, potatoes, scalloped corn (weird lol), sweet potatoes, 2 deviled eggs. I got seconds of ham and potatoes. Drank diet pepsi. After eating I loitered around the kitchen area... ate 4 cookies (white chocolate macadamia), then someone cut a pie so I got dessert, a piece of banana cream pie and boston cream pie. ate another cookie, a bunch of water and purged. Was not bad, the amount of time I was actually eating was about 70 minutes. So not unlike binges at home, (except I wasnt really full).
After all that I went downstairs (my sisters house is huge, their own design, you know what a wealthy husband really helps with lol) They have an actual movie theater room in their house. You know like a tv screen the size of a wall, 8 super plush recliners or maybe it was 10, yeah i think 10. They have 4 bedrooms, at least 4 bathrooms, the downstairs has a handmade bar, like 2 flat screens and mirrors and enough liqour for a massive party. They have 4 of those old arcade games, like the big box joystick ones, and a japanese slot machine, pool table, workout room... you know pretty much everything.
I ate a couple cookies and a couple pieces of ham right before we left... I got really nauseous and I thought I was going to get sick in the car on the way home. But I didnt. I got home purged... I was going to eat my leftovers and purge but my stomach was not feeling good... I laid down for awhile... around 10:30 pm I ate my leftovers... purged... went to bed.
Today I got woke up by my lovely kitty at 6:30 and I couldnt fall back asleep. So I got up and got ready for my therapy appointment... I had $15 so I went to subway for a double bacon, egg, and cheese flatbread... it was buy a 6in get a 6in free. Pretty good (like I want to go there every monday before therapy kind of good, but that would mean purging before therapy 10 am) dont really like to purge that early in the day... but you know that was so good it might be worth it.
Therapy was alright... actually possibly productive... I told her I want to stop binging. Which I do, it really is scaring me how much I am able to eat and purge. I dont want to cut down on purging or not eating... I just dont want to binge like I have been. I was okay talking about it for a little bit but when we were actually talking about trying to eat more so I wont feel the need to binge, and then talking about if it starts to make me hungry (but not like the hunger I have now, but one i feel I cant control) and I dont ever really feel full, I can get the full sense physically like painful full but I still want to eat then, so not really an emotional full? I got really anxious and by the end of the conversation I was willing to say screw it, im not going to gain and be hungry and eat all the time... I have to just do what I do now... keep maybe a dill pickle a day and have a bp
I dont know... I do want to cut down on the binging. I dont want to gain, or be eating all the time... I dont like purging multiple times a day (like everytime I would eat) but I dont know... maybe that would be better right now.
ahh today is also measurement monday
Hips: 34.5 (35)
LR Hip: 32
Waist: 24 (24.5)
Breast: 30 (30.5)
Neck: 11.5
R Thigh: 18.25 (18.5)
L Thigh: 17.5 (17.75)
RU Arm: 9
LU Arm: 9
R Wrist: 5.25 (5.5)
L Wrist: 5.25 (5.5)
R Calf: 12.5
L Calf: 12.25
That is down 2.5 inches, since last monday I lost 2.6 pounds
Todays weight 134.4 Not bad because there was the chance of gaining with eating yesterday
Well yesterday was alright... long... I got there at about 2 pm... we ate at about 3... I ate normalish (for normal people), ham, potatoes, scalloped corn (weird lol), sweet potatoes, 2 deviled eggs. I got seconds of ham and potatoes. Drank diet pepsi. After eating I loitered around the kitchen area... ate 4 cookies (white chocolate macadamia), then someone cut a pie so I got dessert, a piece of banana cream pie and boston cream pie. ate another cookie, a bunch of water and purged. Was not bad, the amount of time I was actually eating was about 70 minutes. So not unlike binges at home, (except I wasnt really full).
After all that I went downstairs (my sisters house is huge, their own design, you know what a wealthy husband really helps with lol) They have an actual movie theater room in their house. You know like a tv screen the size of a wall, 8 super plush recliners or maybe it was 10, yeah i think 10. They have 4 bedrooms, at least 4 bathrooms, the downstairs has a handmade bar, like 2 flat screens and mirrors and enough liqour for a massive party. They have 4 of those old arcade games, like the big box joystick ones, and a japanese slot machine, pool table, workout room... you know pretty much everything.
I ate a couple cookies and a couple pieces of ham right before we left... I got really nauseous and I thought I was going to get sick in the car on the way home. But I didnt. I got home purged... I was going to eat my leftovers and purge but my stomach was not feeling good... I laid down for awhile... around 10:30 pm I ate my leftovers... purged... went to bed.
Today I got woke up by my lovely kitty at 6:30 and I couldnt fall back asleep. So I got up and got ready for my therapy appointment... I had $15 so I went to subway for a double bacon, egg, and cheese flatbread... it was buy a 6in get a 6in free. Pretty good (like I want to go there every monday before therapy kind of good, but that would mean purging before therapy 10 am) dont really like to purge that early in the day... but you know that was so good it might be worth it.
Therapy was alright... actually possibly productive... I told her I want to stop binging. Which I do, it really is scaring me how much I am able to eat and purge. I dont want to cut down on purging or not eating... I just dont want to binge like I have been. I was okay talking about it for a little bit but when we were actually talking about trying to eat more so I wont feel the need to binge, and then talking about if it starts to make me hungry (but not like the hunger I have now, but one i feel I cant control) and I dont ever really feel full, I can get the full sense physically like painful full but I still want to eat then, so not really an emotional full? I got really anxious and by the end of the conversation I was willing to say screw it, im not going to gain and be hungry and eat all the time... I have to just do what I do now... keep maybe a dill pickle a day and have a bp
I dont know... I do want to cut down on the binging. I dont want to gain, or be eating all the time... I dont like purging multiple times a day (like everytime I would eat) but I dont know... maybe that would be better right now.
ahh today is also measurement monday
Hips: 34.5 (35)
LR Hip: 32
Waist: 24 (24.5)
Breast: 30 (30.5)
Neck: 11.5
R Thigh: 18.25 (18.5)
L Thigh: 17.5 (17.75)
RU Arm: 9
LU Arm: 9
R Wrist: 5.25 (5.5)
L Wrist: 5.25 (5.5)
R Calf: 12.5
L Calf: 12.25
That is down 2.5 inches, since last monday I lost 2.6 pounds
Saturday, April 23, 2011
weight 135.4
I know I weigh in the 130s but whenever I weigh myself I think in my head 155? And I really think I am that heavy but I DO know how to read numbers and I KNOW it says 135... but I still think I am like 20 pounds heavier. Heck sometimes I think I see 185... 135 is not real to me... but if it were anything higher I think I would freak.
It was nice today... 65-70 degrees but very windy... I sat outside for a little while... a couple people in the complex kept coming to talk to me... UGGG Iritating. I DONT LIKE TALKING TO PEOPLE
going with my parents over to my other sister Mandys house tomorrow... a dinner.... fun... Gonna have to purge there because we will be there quite awhile... uggg I KNOW if I dont eat a fuss will be made, and I dont think I could stop myself from eating anyway... I JUST CANT BINGE... I dont think I will... its not like me to binge in front of people.
im gonna go get ready for bed... its calling my name
ohh and 2 bps today... end weight 136.0... so It might be down tomorrow... but then tomorrow might make me gain.
I know my goal this month was to lose 7 pounds, I thought I would drop it from 10 pounds because my weightloss is going to be harder the lower it gets. Well If I get to 134.? by the 26th I will have lost 10 pounds this month anyway :)
alright night
<3
I know I weigh in the 130s but whenever I weigh myself I think in my head 155? And I really think I am that heavy but I DO know how to read numbers and I KNOW it says 135... but I still think I am like 20 pounds heavier. Heck sometimes I think I see 185... 135 is not real to me... but if it were anything higher I think I would freak.
It was nice today... 65-70 degrees but very windy... I sat outside for a little while... a couple people in the complex kept coming to talk to me... UGGG Iritating. I DONT LIKE TALKING TO PEOPLE
going with my parents over to my other sister Mandys house tomorrow... a dinner.... fun... Gonna have to purge there because we will be there quite awhile... uggg I KNOW if I dont eat a fuss will be made, and I dont think I could stop myself from eating anyway... I JUST CANT BINGE... I dont think I will... its not like me to binge in front of people.
im gonna go get ready for bed... its calling my name
ohh and 2 bps today... end weight 136.0... so It might be down tomorrow... but then tomorrow might make me gain.
I know my goal this month was to lose 7 pounds, I thought I would drop it from 10 pounds because my weightloss is going to be harder the lower it gets. Well If I get to 134.? by the 26th I will have lost 10 pounds this month anyway :)
alright night
<3
Friday, April 22, 2011
ok quick post...
weight today 135.8 ugg okay...
had dr appointment... went okay... layered 8 pounds of clothes and 2 bottles of powerade zero.
Dr. didnt say much about my weight thank goodness
but also doesnt have any answers about my leg pains except now maybe my eating/purging/not keeping food in
my new friend came over for a little while... watched some more of a show called 'the invisible man' me crochet'd she knitted
my mom called about 3:30 (while friend still here) and said my dad would be over to pick me up if I can help her with her computer transfering pictures. My dad got to my place while my mom was telling me he was coming (so NO NOTICE)
had to hurry and say goodbye to louisa and then grab a few things to go to my parents...
helped my mom on the computer... (their computer SUCKS, so SLOW) had dinner there, helped my mom a little more then my dad brought me home.
I ate for dinner there, 5 fish sticks, 2 pierogies, 1/4 cup mixed veg.
As soon as I got home I started cooking... my binge...
1 bunch of asparagus, 3/4 loaf of bread, 3 slices turkey, 3 slices ham, 2 slices cheese, butter with the bread, 1/2 large bag of salad, salad dressing, 3 packs of ramen
Pre-purge 147.8, post purge 137.0
I swear it was so painful at the end of the binge... I stand in the bathroom trying/getting ready to purge and I cant purge hard when I am that full... I have to sort of stand bent over trying to swallow air... and burp food till there is a little room for me to actually purge hard otherwise it HURTS way too much... It is then and only then do I think of the damage or danger i am putting myself into
alright im really tired, my legs are hurting really bad... im gonna pretty much go pass out...
<3
weight today 135.8 ugg okay...
had dr appointment... went okay... layered 8 pounds of clothes and 2 bottles of powerade zero.
Dr. didnt say much about my weight thank goodness
but also doesnt have any answers about my leg pains except now maybe my eating/purging/not keeping food in
my new friend came over for a little while... watched some more of a show called 'the invisible man' me crochet'd she knitted
my mom called about 3:30 (while friend still here) and said my dad would be over to pick me up if I can help her with her computer transfering pictures. My dad got to my place while my mom was telling me he was coming (so NO NOTICE)
had to hurry and say goodbye to louisa and then grab a few things to go to my parents...
helped my mom on the computer... (their computer SUCKS, so SLOW) had dinner there, helped my mom a little more then my dad brought me home.
I ate for dinner there, 5 fish sticks, 2 pierogies, 1/4 cup mixed veg.
As soon as I got home I started cooking... my binge...
1 bunch of asparagus, 3/4 loaf of bread, 3 slices turkey, 3 slices ham, 2 slices cheese, butter with the bread, 1/2 large bag of salad, salad dressing, 3 packs of ramen
Pre-purge 147.8, post purge 137.0
I swear it was so painful at the end of the binge... I stand in the bathroom trying/getting ready to purge and I cant purge hard when I am that full... I have to sort of stand bent over trying to swallow air... and burp food till there is a little room for me to actually purge hard otherwise it HURTS way too much... It is then and only then do I think of the damage or danger i am putting myself into
alright im really tired, my legs are hurting really bad... im gonna pretty much go pass out...
<3
Thursday, April 21, 2011
hey weight 137.2 still up from the other day... but almost back to 137
got up still not feeling great...
my case worker was able to get me a few things at the store... i am really glad she was able to help me... She spent about $45. I tried to get healthy stuff. I have to try to make it last.
i had the most disgusting thing happen to me today... its TMI to warn you
I was sitting on the couch, almost done binging, using the computer too... I had to pass gas, so I did, i live alone so i dont care where i do it. Well it was not passing gas, it was a yellow liquid... uggg i DONT go number 2 without lax use and i havnt used them since sunday. So what did I do? I grabbed the last 4 cookies of my binge and my water and went to the bathroom... Sat on the toilet finished eating... cleaned up... purged then showered...
Uggg I am so disgusting...
I want to eat again... i have to try to wait... stretch out the food
my bp was:
3 sandwiches (turkey/ham/cheese/miracle whip light)
2 nutrigrain bars
2 cans of chicken noodle soup
1 pack of cookies (easter m&m cookies)
32 oz water
20 oz vitamin water
1 king size pack of mini reeses
pre-purge 147.0 post purge 137.4
got up still not feeling great...
my case worker was able to get me a few things at the store... i am really glad she was able to help me... She spent about $45. I tried to get healthy stuff. I have to try to make it last.
i had the most disgusting thing happen to me today... its TMI to warn you
I was sitting on the couch, almost done binging, using the computer too... I had to pass gas, so I did, i live alone so i dont care where i do it. Well it was not passing gas, it was a yellow liquid... uggg i DONT go number 2 without lax use and i havnt used them since sunday. So what did I do? I grabbed the last 4 cookies of my binge and my water and went to the bathroom... Sat on the toilet finished eating... cleaned up... purged then showered...
Uggg I am so disgusting...
I want to eat again... i have to try to wait... stretch out the food
my bp was:
3 sandwiches (turkey/ham/cheese/miracle whip light)
2 nutrigrain bars
2 cans of chicken noodle soup
1 pack of cookies (easter m&m cookies)
32 oz water
20 oz vitamin water
1 king size pack of mini reeses
pre-purge 147.0 post purge 137.4
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Thank you Laila <3 love you so much
uggg today is crap
somehow i gained a pound... 138.0 freaking stupid
and my night weight was not up last night so frick
Im trying not to binge today... i dont know if I will make it but i dont know if i care
I just need to lose weight
I feel like crap... i got up to a weight gain, then its warmer out but its rainy and super windy, so just going outside to enjoy the warmer weather is pointless its cold with the wind and rain...
Last night we had some heavy duty thunderstorms... I like them but I can sleep with them
I got online for a little bit but im like so crappy mood i want to stay in bed and not be concious... i hate feeling depressed....
I tried watching a couple tv shows but I just felt like crying over nothing...
I tried helping a friend who is having a crisis... not very well done
i had to go talk to my landlord lady... gave her a paper for recertification but the other 2 papers were not good... so i have to get my bank to fill some form out...and my bank is a pain in the ars with these papers they wont fill them out with me... they say they dont have time and they take them and mail them later
had to do it last year...
so at 4 i laid down... not really to sleep i just didnt want to be anywhere...
im trying not to binge... i ate so far:
2 pm a dill pickle spear (5 cals)
4 pm 1 teaspoon sunflower seeds (15 cals)
6:45 pm a dill pickle spear (5 cals)
i dont know... i can make rice, turkey burgers, or ramen... i dont have any other choices for real foods
i HOPE my case worker will get me food tomorrow but I havnt heard from her. I called and left her a message today. It is odd that she never called back or text me.
i keep thinking if i bp i might feel better
having no food and no money is really messing me up
i want to eat
but i gained this morning for no reason... im too fat to eat, i should feel like this because i deserve it
ugggggg
uggg today is crap
somehow i gained a pound... 138.0 freaking stupid
and my night weight was not up last night so frick
Im trying not to binge today... i dont know if I will make it but i dont know if i care
I just need to lose weight
I feel like crap... i got up to a weight gain, then its warmer out but its rainy and super windy, so just going outside to enjoy the warmer weather is pointless its cold with the wind and rain...
Last night we had some heavy duty thunderstorms... I like them but I can sleep with them
I got online for a little bit but im like so crappy mood i want to stay in bed and not be concious... i hate feeling depressed....
I tried watching a couple tv shows but I just felt like crying over nothing...
I tried helping a friend who is having a crisis... not very well done
i had to go talk to my landlord lady... gave her a paper for recertification but the other 2 papers were not good... so i have to get my bank to fill some form out...and my bank is a pain in the ars with these papers they wont fill them out with me... they say they dont have time and they take them and mail them later
had to do it last year...
so at 4 i laid down... not really to sleep i just didnt want to be anywhere...
im trying not to binge... i ate so far:
2 pm a dill pickle spear (5 cals)
4 pm 1 teaspoon sunflower seeds (15 cals)
6:45 pm a dill pickle spear (5 cals)
i dont know... i can make rice, turkey burgers, or ramen... i dont have any other choices for real foods
i HOPE my case worker will get me food tomorrow but I havnt heard from her. I called and left her a message today. It is odd that she never called back or text me.
i keep thinking if i bp i might feel better
having no food and no money is really messing me up
i want to eat
but i gained this morning for no reason... im too fat to eat, i should feel like this because i deserve it
ugggggg
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
hey... weight today 137.0 thank goodness, i thought it would be up because I bp'd last night and my night weight was 141... I ate 5 fricken bags of popcorn... it was light popcorn so it was only 1000 calories lol... I purged it but i still had extra weight on me.
I took and extra sleeping pill last night... i was tired of just laying in bed... Wow I forget how the sleeping pill effects me when I take 2... I felt like I was drunk when I got up to go to the bathroom at 5.
im hungry... i just bp'd too.... How the heck do I stop bping? I cant just eat. I will gain weight... and Im not strong enough to not eat. I generally gain if I dont bp as well. Just a day of restricting I wont lose weight...
I need to be strong like some of you that can restrict and plan your bps...
I just dont know how to go without food. If I allow myself like 200 calories and not purge? But just eating leads to binges for me... uggg i dont know
I bp'd a little while ago...
2 dill pickle spears
2 tuna melt sandwiches- 4 piece wheat bread, 1 can tuna, 4 slices cheese, miracle whip light
1 can of tuna with miracle whip light
32 oz water
6 chicken patties
1/2 bag french fries
ketchup
30 oz water
32 oz water with purging (rinsing) Pre purge-146.8 post purge137.6
I wonder how much my stomach can actually hold? I thought I would actually try to figure it out... drink lots and lots of water till I feel full? Measure it? Ehhh i dont know... i guess it doesnt really matter.
ugg i guess thats it for now
I took and extra sleeping pill last night... i was tired of just laying in bed... Wow I forget how the sleeping pill effects me when I take 2... I felt like I was drunk when I got up to go to the bathroom at 5.
im hungry... i just bp'd too.... How the heck do I stop bping? I cant just eat. I will gain weight... and Im not strong enough to not eat. I generally gain if I dont bp as well. Just a day of restricting I wont lose weight...
I need to be strong like some of you that can restrict and plan your bps...
I just dont know how to go without food. If I allow myself like 200 calories and not purge? But just eating leads to binges for me... uggg i dont know
I bp'd a little while ago...
2 dill pickle spears
2 tuna melt sandwiches- 4 piece wheat bread, 1 can tuna, 4 slices cheese, miracle whip light
1 can of tuna with miracle whip light
32 oz water
6 chicken patties
1/2 bag french fries
ketchup
30 oz water
32 oz water with purging (rinsing) Pre purge-146.8 post purge137.6
I wonder how much my stomach can actually hold? I thought I would actually try to figure it out... drink lots and lots of water till I feel full? Measure it? Ehhh i dont know... i guess it doesnt really matter.
ugg i guess thats it for now
Monday, April 18, 2011
Thank you Laila! <3 Love you
well today is monday... well almost over now...
was measurement day, I actually did them, not a lot of change for not doing them last week.
Hip: 35 (35.5)
LR Hip: 32
Waist: 24.5
Breast: 30.5
Neck: 11.5
R Thigh: 18.5 (19)
L Thigh: 17.75 (18)
RU Arm: 9
LU Arm: 9 (9.25)
R Wrist: 5.5
L Wrist: 5.5
R Calf: 12.5
L Calf: 12.25 (12.5)
Difference 1.75 inches, weight loss since last monday 6.4 (that is up because I gained at my sisters, otherwise I lost 3 lbs since the 9th)
I took pictures... will add some
so therapy was interesting... I tried avoiding the food/weight topic... but after 30 minutes Brenda brought it up... She asked if I lost weight, I said not really just what I gained at my sisters... she accepted that... She asked if I was in the 150s or the 140s... I said 140s still... Im not going back up. She said its too low for you. I said no not really my bmi is okay
She asked how much more weight do I wanna lose or what my goal weight is... I said I didnt know... I told her she wouldnt understand it as like my friends with eating disorders do. She said understand or encourage... I said a little of both but then I said not all my friends want me to lose more weight... Shannon thinks I look good now, she doesnt think I should lose more weight. I almost told Brenda what my goal was, but thankfully I kept my mouth shut.
She went on her computer when I said I wouldnt be underweight until I reached 132, she was arguing with me and I was listing what my bmi would be at 132, 137, 143 and she was like let me check... ohh and she asked for my current weight... I told her 147 without really thinking... glad I didnt blurt out the 137. So then she was like ohh I cant complain about your weight because your bmi is 20.5, and hers is 20.2
I was *thank god I lied*
then she goes on about how she has weight just about the same weight for the last 2 years and it has always been 2 lbs up or 2 pounds down from a stable weight for her... 113... uggg ohhh and she was too thin at 107... uggg I DO NOT HAVE HER BODY, MY WEIGHT WILL NOT STAY LIKE HERS!!!
I REALLY HATE WHEN SHE GOES ON AND ON ABOUT HOW MY BODY CAN DO THAT, IT CANT! But because I dont keep trying for more than a week at a time, *i will never know*
She told me that if I could stop purging she wouldnt mind me weight in the upper 130s... I said I wanted to stop binging more
she said oh then you will just lose more weight... I was like binging is more dangerous right now for me... She was confused. I said well a normal stomach normally holds about 30 oz, HECK I drink at least 32 oz with my binges... She said ohh so your electrolytes can get thrown off... I said no not really Im worried about my stomach ripping or something. She said Ive never heard of that. I was like IT HAPPENS, she kinda just looked at me like *okay*
Seriously I have been thinking it is entirely possible I could rip my stomach open one of these times... I think of trying not to binge but then I binge and not till I am almost done (purging) I remember that ohh damn I am not supposed to be binging anymore... I need to stop it
I gain on ups of 7-10 pounds with each binge, that is A LOT for a stomach to hold.
my binge today... yeah pre-purge 148, post purge 139.2.... so MUCH
And my weight this morning was 137.0 so yeah it is a lot
my binge was a 'break and bake' pack of chocolate chip cookies (24 cookies)
raw carrots with blue cheese dressing
4 slices bread and butter
24 oz water
a dinner for 4 people (chicken rice and broccoli dish)
1 can of carrots
1 can of green beans
3/4 pack of frozen shrimp
(i also added a can of black eyed peas but they were nasty so i ate around them)
More water (32 oz)
Uggg I gotta stop this... But I just eat and cant stop
okay i guess that is it for now
ohh and pictures
well today is monday... well almost over now...
was measurement day, I actually did them, not a lot of change for not doing them last week.
Hip: 35 (35.5)
LR Hip: 32
Waist: 24.5
Breast: 30.5
Neck: 11.5
R Thigh: 18.5 (19)
L Thigh: 17.75 (18)
RU Arm: 9
LU Arm: 9 (9.25)
R Wrist: 5.5
L Wrist: 5.5
R Calf: 12.5
L Calf: 12.25 (12.5)
Difference 1.75 inches, weight loss since last monday 6.4 (that is up because I gained at my sisters, otherwise I lost 3 lbs since the 9th)
I took pictures... will add some
so therapy was interesting... I tried avoiding the food/weight topic... but after 30 minutes Brenda brought it up... She asked if I lost weight, I said not really just what I gained at my sisters... she accepted that... She asked if I was in the 150s or the 140s... I said 140s still... Im not going back up. She said its too low for you. I said no not really my bmi is okay
She asked how much more weight do I wanna lose or what my goal weight is... I said I didnt know... I told her she wouldnt understand it as like my friends with eating disorders do. She said understand or encourage... I said a little of both but then I said not all my friends want me to lose more weight... Shannon thinks I look good now, she doesnt think I should lose more weight. I almost told Brenda what my goal was, but thankfully I kept my mouth shut.
She went on her computer when I said I wouldnt be underweight until I reached 132, she was arguing with me and I was listing what my bmi would be at 132, 137, 143 and she was like let me check... ohh and she asked for my current weight... I told her 147 without really thinking... glad I didnt blurt out the 137. So then she was like ohh I cant complain about your weight because your bmi is 20.5, and hers is 20.2
I was *thank god I lied*
then she goes on about how she has weight just about the same weight for the last 2 years and it has always been 2 lbs up or 2 pounds down from a stable weight for her... 113... uggg ohhh and she was too thin at 107... uggg I DO NOT HAVE HER BODY, MY WEIGHT WILL NOT STAY LIKE HERS!!!
I REALLY HATE WHEN SHE GOES ON AND ON ABOUT HOW MY BODY CAN DO THAT, IT CANT! But because I dont keep trying for more than a week at a time, *i will never know*
She told me that if I could stop purging she wouldnt mind me weight in the upper 130s... I said I wanted to stop binging more
she said oh then you will just lose more weight... I was like binging is more dangerous right now for me... She was confused. I said well a normal stomach normally holds about 30 oz, HECK I drink at least 32 oz with my binges... She said ohh so your electrolytes can get thrown off... I said no not really Im worried about my stomach ripping or something. She said Ive never heard of that. I was like IT HAPPENS, she kinda just looked at me like *okay*
Seriously I have been thinking it is entirely possible I could rip my stomach open one of these times... I think of trying not to binge but then I binge and not till I am almost done (purging) I remember that ohh damn I am not supposed to be binging anymore... I need to stop it
I gain on ups of 7-10 pounds with each binge, that is A LOT for a stomach to hold.
my binge today... yeah pre-purge 148, post purge 139.2.... so MUCH
And my weight this morning was 137.0 so yeah it is a lot
my binge was a 'break and bake' pack of chocolate chip cookies (24 cookies)
raw carrots with blue cheese dressing
4 slices bread and butter
24 oz water
a dinner for 4 people (chicken rice and broccoli dish)
1 can of carrots
1 can of green beans
3/4 pack of frozen shrimp
(i also added a can of black eyed peas but they were nasty so i ate around them)
More water (32 oz)
Uggg I gotta stop this... But I just eat and cant stop
okay i guess that is it for now
ohh and pictures
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Hey my weight was 138.6 ehh but it could have gone up more so okay
Oh My GOSH it is SNOWING!! UGGG I HATE SNOW!!! it wont stick i hope... and its 42 degrees out? BLAH!
Just bp'd
2 popcans of cinnamon rolls (like 16 total)
6 chicken patties
1/2 bag of french fries
32 oz water
Pre purge 147.8, post purge (and a bm) 138.4
God I hate lax but I am SO GLAD they worked this time. I know TMI but most of it was rock hard balls... uggg I wish I could get like a colonic and have my washed out in there... I HATE bms
okay sorry i know that was gross
I should drink some powerade zero... make sure I dont get dehydrated from lax use
hmmm tired... if my therapist mentions anything about weightloss I am going to tell her I lost what I gained at my sisters... not telling numbers though
I want to ask my case worker to get me some food with the funds that she is allowed to use for me... but i dont know I feel like I should just go without. But then when I do I get crazy and when it has gotten really bad in the past I have stolen... I do NOT want to do that.
uggg I have an appointment with my dr this week (friday) and I have lost about 15 more pounds since I last saw her.
I wanted to chop my legs off last night and this morning... uggg its a bit better right now but SERIOUSLY my legs BETTER stop acting up!
Alright thats its for now
Oh My GOSH it is SNOWING!! UGGG I HATE SNOW!!! it wont stick i hope... and its 42 degrees out? BLAH!
Just bp'd
2 popcans of cinnamon rolls (like 16 total)
6 chicken patties
1/2 bag of french fries
32 oz water
Pre purge 147.8, post purge (and a bm) 138.4
God I hate lax but I am SO GLAD they worked this time. I know TMI but most of it was rock hard balls... uggg I wish I could get like a colonic and have my washed out in there... I HATE bms
okay sorry i know that was gross
I should drink some powerade zero... make sure I dont get dehydrated from lax use
hmmm tired... if my therapist mentions anything about weightloss I am going to tell her I lost what I gained at my sisters... not telling numbers though
I want to ask my case worker to get me some food with the funds that she is allowed to use for me... but i dont know I feel like I should just go without. But then when I do I get crazy and when it has gotten really bad in the past I have stolen... I do NOT want to do that.
uggg I have an appointment with my dr this week (friday) and I have lost about 15 more pounds since I last saw her.
I wanted to chop my legs off last night and this morning... uggg its a bit better right now but SERIOUSLY my legs BETTER stop acting up!
Alright thats its for now
Saturday, April 16, 2011
it is not good to spill hot ramen soup all over your hand
especially when getting ready to eat a binge UGGG
I was carrying a big bowl of ramen soup and a plateful of hot dogs... bumped the plate into the handle of my exercise bike and spilt the soup on my wrist/hand stupid me, i actually thought it right before i did it too, because carrying so much was stupid
so yeah i ran my hand under cold water for like 20 seconds... but then 'had' to go eat... my hand was all red... now its been about 45 minutes and the only part that is red and still hurts is about an inch big on my wrist, like if you follow your thumb to your wrist... right on the inside... stupid me...
well i ate and purged... it didnt stop me... I didnt even like drop everything when I spilled it on me... I was like bite my teeth, HOT HOT put my plate of hot dogs down... HOT CRAP put my bowl of soup down... If I was not so concerned about saving my food I probably would have dropped it all. BUT I could NOT just destroy my binge like that even though i was in pain
It is really weird that I thought all that stuff in a matter of less than seconds... my brain was so fast in thinking of a way to make sure I still got my food and still kinda made sure I took care of my hand...
I dont i feel like I am babbling, im not saying what I mean correctly or something... cant get it out.
Okay so yeah my bp was 8 hotdogs with rolls and ketchup, 1 pkg of nutty bars, 1 pkg of easter cakes (little debbie), and 3 pks of ramen
Pre purge 149.0, post purge 139.8... I HATE how most of the time I cant get rid of EVERYTHING, I always keep like .6, .8 or 1lb uggg I can rinse and rinse and rinse but it wont go lower...
ehh but it does the next day most of the time...
especially when getting ready to eat a binge UGGG
I was carrying a big bowl of ramen soup and a plateful of hot dogs... bumped the plate into the handle of my exercise bike and spilt the soup on my wrist/hand stupid me, i actually thought it right before i did it too, because carrying so much was stupid
so yeah i ran my hand under cold water for like 20 seconds... but then 'had' to go eat... my hand was all red... now its been about 45 minutes and the only part that is red and still hurts is about an inch big on my wrist, like if you follow your thumb to your wrist... right on the inside... stupid me...
well i ate and purged... it didnt stop me... I didnt even like drop everything when I spilled it on me... I was like bite my teeth, HOT HOT put my plate of hot dogs down... HOT CRAP put my bowl of soup down... If I was not so concerned about saving my food I probably would have dropped it all. BUT I could NOT just destroy my binge like that even though i was in pain
It is really weird that I thought all that stuff in a matter of less than seconds... my brain was so fast in thinking of a way to make sure I still got my food and still kinda made sure I took care of my hand...
I dont i feel like I am babbling, im not saying what I mean correctly or something... cant get it out.
Okay so yeah my bp was 8 hotdogs with rolls and ketchup, 1 pkg of nutty bars, 1 pkg of easter cakes (little debbie), and 3 pks of ramen
Pre purge 149.0, post purge 139.8... I HATE how most of the time I cant get rid of EVERYTHING, I always keep like .6, .8 or 1lb uggg I can rinse and rinse and rinse but it wont go lower...
ehh but it does the next day most of the time...
Im okay today... cold but I just took a hot shower to help that out... now just my head is cold... hair takes forever to dry and I dont have/ or like hairdryers
So I was pretty happy when I saw my weight this morning, not like actually smiling but like ohh yay!
138.4... surprised it is down so much but at the same time im not because my bedtime weight last night was 140.8
i went to the store... spent $15 of my last $20... blah
just bpd before my shower... a package of turkey bolonga, a just baked chocolate chip cookies, 6 pieces of bread. pre-purge 146.0, post purge 139.0
ummm i wanna crochet some more.... might do that shortly...should try not to bp again at least until later (like 7-8 tonight)
alright talk more later
So I was pretty happy when I saw my weight this morning, not like actually smiling but like ohh yay!
138.4... surprised it is down so much but at the same time im not because my bedtime weight last night was 140.8
i went to the store... spent $15 of my last $20... blah
just bpd before my shower... a package of turkey bolonga, a just baked chocolate chip cookies, 6 pieces of bread. pre-purge 146.0, post purge 139.0
ummm i wanna crochet some more.... might do that shortly...should try not to bp again at least until later (like 7-8 tonight)
alright talk more later
Friday, April 15, 2011
hey doing okay today...
my friend came over and we watched 'the invisible man' its an older sci fi show... it was pretty good. We watched 3 episodes... she has all the episodes that aired.
I bpd 2 bags of raviolis, 1 jar sauce and 7 slices bread and butter... VERY FULL, I usually dont do 2 bags of ravioli but I had it and only 1 jar of sauce so i thought it was logical because i wouldnt have sauce for the others at a later date.
Ridiculously I am hungry again... stupid body... I might make some tilapia... its so low cal that I might not have to purge it... (doubt it, i cant just stop eating)
weight today 140.4, okay thats good... it has taken almost a week to get back to where I was... uggg stupid body
hmmm thinking about food... this weekend is lax weekend... I never used the others earlier in the week after 2 days of not working. I was in too down of a mood...
brrrr im cold... its like 36 out but its really windy... so the wind chill is COLD
alright thats it... later
my friend came over and we watched 'the invisible man' its an older sci fi show... it was pretty good. We watched 3 episodes... she has all the episodes that aired.
I bpd 2 bags of raviolis, 1 jar sauce and 7 slices bread and butter... VERY FULL, I usually dont do 2 bags of ravioli but I had it and only 1 jar of sauce so i thought it was logical because i wouldnt have sauce for the others at a later date.
Ridiculously I am hungry again... stupid body... I might make some tilapia... its so low cal that I might not have to purge it... (doubt it, i cant just stop eating)
weight today 140.4, okay thats good... it has taken almost a week to get back to where I was... uggg stupid body
hmmm thinking about food... this weekend is lax weekend... I never used the others earlier in the week after 2 days of not working. I was in too down of a mood...
brrrr im cold... its like 36 out but its really windy... so the wind chill is COLD
alright thats it... later
Thursday, April 14, 2011
hey...
im okayish right now...
just bp'd
7 slices bread and butter
2 steamfresh bags of broccoli with butter
1 box tuna helper
Pre-purge 151.8, Post purge 142.8
I was 141.4 this morning... maybe I can be back to 140.0 saturday... ehhh not likely... weigh in for the competition is usually saturday for me...
I saw my case worker today, she says I am doing better than I give myself credit for. but she is oblivious to my ed behaviors (havnt told her and therapist hasnt told her) She did ask if I self-injured but I said no.
I just feel that because I am feeling depressed I am failing. And that because I think that any med change was going to send me in a massive depression spiral. I am mad at myself for just thinking that because I feel like it is a self-fulfilling prophecy. I am trying to do things to keep myself busy and to not let those thoughts be anything more than thoughts. But I feel like a failure just feeling them.
I HATE BEING FAT!!
im okayish right now...
just bp'd
7 slices bread and butter
2 steamfresh bags of broccoli with butter
1 box tuna helper
Pre-purge 151.8, Post purge 142.8
I was 141.4 this morning... maybe I can be back to 140.0 saturday... ehhh not likely... weigh in for the competition is usually saturday for me...
I saw my case worker today, she says I am doing better than I give myself credit for. but she is oblivious to my ed behaviors (havnt told her and therapist hasnt told her) She did ask if I self-injured but I said no.
I just feel that because I am feeling depressed I am failing. And that because I think that any med change was going to send me in a massive depression spiral. I am mad at myself for just thinking that because I feel like it is a self-fulfilling prophecy. I am trying to do things to keep myself busy and to not let those thoughts be anything more than thoughts. But I feel like a failure just feeling them.
I HATE BEING FAT!!
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
hey... im frustrated and scared
my mood has been down, i dont like this
is it from the med change? or whats going on in my life right now? Is the stuff going on with Kayla really messing with me?
I was so scared messing with my meds was going to throw me off... My meds were working well, but because of the bruising and leg pains they changed them...
I am trying to not let myself feel this down, trying to stay busy with crocheting, or reading or playing my dsi or on the computer some. But I just want to sleep, but i cant
I dont like this,
I kinda self injured... not really for the pain or anything but because it was like a compulsion. I am NOT doing it again... I have been si free for the most part since summer of 2006. There have been minor blips here and there but I have not gotten into it regularly. The last blip I had was nov-dec 2008.
I have a compulsion for not letting things heal on their own, I pick... I am so stupid. I have a rash from the stupid bandaid... and I cant leave it uncovered yet.
I had such a headache yesterday... any movement was torture...
i just bp'd, I dont even like it... i made mac and cheese and didnt even eat half of it... (ate some other stuff too)
AND seriously my weight is disgusting... Im not losing right now... 143.0 today... yeah that is a gain... i dont understand it.
I wish I had some ativan or something like it... I could take that crap and not remember days... I dont want to think or remember anything for awhile.
I wish I could just sleep, but even taking sleeping pills wont keep me sleeping all the time.
Im done... sorry for such a crap post
my mood has been down, i dont like this
is it from the med change? or whats going on in my life right now? Is the stuff going on with Kayla really messing with me?
I was so scared messing with my meds was going to throw me off... My meds were working well, but because of the bruising and leg pains they changed them...
I am trying to not let myself feel this down, trying to stay busy with crocheting, or reading or playing my dsi or on the computer some. But I just want to sleep, but i cant
I dont like this,
I kinda self injured... not really for the pain or anything but because it was like a compulsion. I am NOT doing it again... I have been si free for the most part since summer of 2006. There have been minor blips here and there but I have not gotten into it regularly. The last blip I had was nov-dec 2008.
I have a compulsion for not letting things heal on their own, I pick... I am so stupid. I have a rash from the stupid bandaid... and I cant leave it uncovered yet.
I had such a headache yesterday... any movement was torture...
i just bp'd, I dont even like it... i made mac and cheese and didnt even eat half of it... (ate some other stuff too)
AND seriously my weight is disgusting... Im not losing right now... 143.0 today... yeah that is a gain... i dont understand it.
I wish I had some ativan or something like it... I could take that crap and not remember days... I dont want to think or remember anything for awhile.
I wish I could just sleep, but even taking sleeping pills wont keep me sleeping all the time.
Im done... sorry for such a crap post
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
hey... still as fat as a house...
the lax i took didnt work again... this is pissing me off
so 2 more lax tonight
weight ICK 142.6
WTF
I ate and purged... gonna do it again later...
I am disgusting
im tired... stupid i shouldnt be
i want to eat normally and still lose weight... im not satisfied with my bping right now... but thats the only time I eat. I told myself I had to eat less in binges this month because of my low money this month but i usually remember after ive binged... never when i am actually doing it.
i HATE being so fat
the lax i took didnt work again... this is pissing me off
so 2 more lax tonight
weight ICK 142.6
WTF
I ate and purged... gonna do it again later...
I am disgusting
im tired... stupid i shouldnt be
i want to eat normally and still lose weight... im not satisfied with my bping right now... but thats the only time I eat. I told myself I had to eat less in binges this month because of my low money this month but i usually remember after ive binged... never when i am actually doing it.
i HATE being so fat
Monday, April 11, 2011
hey... no monday measurements today... too fat
the lax i took yesterday did not do anything... a little cramping when I walked to my therapy appointment this morning but nothing else... uggg im gonna take a lax pill this time, no more mag sulfate ever again.
I am like fat as a house right now...
I just bp'd and my end weight was 145... ugggg and i was getting just acid up at the end... im so fat
so much for reaching the 130s
im so tired... i think im gonna lay down soon (its only 5:30) I feel like a lazy f*ck its so nice out and I just want to sleep... it got up to 74 today... so nice! VERY VERY windy though it is 66 out right now...
i hate feeling so disgusting
the lax i took yesterday did not do anything... a little cramping when I walked to my therapy appointment this morning but nothing else... uggg im gonna take a lax pill this time, no more mag sulfate ever again.
I am like fat as a house right now...
I just bp'd and my end weight was 145... ugggg and i was getting just acid up at the end... im so fat
so much for reaching the 130s
im so tired... i think im gonna lay down soon (its only 5:30) I feel like a lazy f*ck its so nice out and I just want to sleep... it got up to 74 today... so nice! VERY VERY windy though it is 66 out right now...
i hate feeling so disgusting
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Laila, I dont really have a goal but im thinking like maybe 110? I dont know how low I can get away with.
uggg im disgusting...
I just bp'd... well sort of... I had 2 sandwiches (turkey and provolone) and 3 cans of biscuits (8 each)
Well all the biscuits are lumped together. Uggg cant get them up and I keep drinking but nada, i got the sandwiches or some of them.
Im not freaking really bad just some... i thought okay i will take lax. I have epsom salt (magnesium sulfate) and I thought okay liquid might work faster than the pills. So I mixed up some of the mag sulfate, OMG SO NASTY! 3 teaspoons with 1 cup of water.... I still want to puke it, but then I will have to taste it again. So I am leaving it in... I hope it works faster.
So im not going to be in the 130s quite so soon... uggg after not sleeping last night my weight was 141.8 which I understand because I dont lose weight when I dont sleep.
SO FAT!!!!
The cop who is working with Renee and Kayla (about the abuse) stopped by last night while I was over at my sisters. Renee read the doctors notes and this assholes account of what happened. Renee tried to give me the doctors report but I wouldnt take it. I couldnt read it, I didnt want to... it is all too much. She read the statement the guy made out loud (because Kayla wanted to hear it)
This ass says, oh Kayla was sleeping on the couch and he came out of Jessicas bedroom and stopped to put his shoes on in the living room and he bumped into the coffee table. He said that startled Kayla, scared her. He said he left. Kayla told Jessica what really happened and Jessica asked the guy the next morning if he touched Kayla. He said no, maybe it was a dream. It only took him a minute to leave Jessicas room to the front door.
Jessica believed him.
Nothing was said again.
This happened over the summer... Kayla finally told Missy in the end of February.
The cop who is working on the case is really good with Kayla. They talked about probably having to talk to a jury, and a judge. Kayla said she didnt want to but she said she would. I told Kayla it is a little scary but the cop would be there and mommy would be outside. I told her I had to do it some years ago. You dont have to see the bad guy, they keep him separate and wont let him near you.
Kayla put my hair up :)
uggg im disgusting...
I just bp'd... well sort of... I had 2 sandwiches (turkey and provolone) and 3 cans of biscuits (8 each)
Well all the biscuits are lumped together. Uggg cant get them up and I keep drinking but nada, i got the sandwiches or some of them.
Im not freaking really bad just some... i thought okay i will take lax. I have epsom salt (magnesium sulfate) and I thought okay liquid might work faster than the pills. So I mixed up some of the mag sulfate, OMG SO NASTY! 3 teaspoons with 1 cup of water.... I still want to puke it, but then I will have to taste it again. So I am leaving it in... I hope it works faster.
So im not going to be in the 130s quite so soon... uggg after not sleeping last night my weight was 141.8 which I understand because I dont lose weight when I dont sleep.
SO FAT!!!!
The cop who is working with Renee and Kayla (about the abuse) stopped by last night while I was over at my sisters. Renee read the doctors notes and this assholes account of what happened. Renee tried to give me the doctors report but I wouldnt take it. I couldnt read it, I didnt want to... it is all too much. She read the statement the guy made out loud (because Kayla wanted to hear it)
This ass says, oh Kayla was sleeping on the couch and he came out of Jessicas bedroom and stopped to put his shoes on in the living room and he bumped into the coffee table. He said that startled Kayla, scared her. He said he left. Kayla told Jessica what really happened and Jessica asked the guy the next morning if he touched Kayla. He said no, maybe it was a dream. It only took him a minute to leave Jessicas room to the front door.
Jessica believed him.
Nothing was said again.
This happened over the summer... Kayla finally told Missy in the end of February.
The cop who is working on the case is really good with Kayla. They talked about probably having to talk to a jury, and a judge. Kayla said she didnt want to but she said she would. I told Kayla it is a little scary but the cop would be there and mommy would be outside. I told her I had to do it some years ago. You dont have to see the bad guy, they keep him separate and wont let him near you.
Kayla put my hair up :)
Saturday, April 9, 2011
hey, today i was 140.0
I hope 139 tomorrow.. but im at my sisters, i wont be able to weigh in till i get home
i was trying to not bp.,.. but i ate some tilapia and asparagus when they had dinner... i was okay for like 20 minutes, but then just freaked out... purged
now its just me and Kayla, she is sleeping... im eating... oops binging on food here, not good i know
i will purge too... oh well
I hope 139 tomorrow.. but im at my sisters, i wont be able to weigh in till i get home
i was trying to not bp.,.. but i ate some tilapia and asparagus when they had dinner... i was okay for like 20 minutes, but then just freaked out... purged
now its just me and Kayla, she is sleeping... im eating... oops binging on food here, not good i know
i will purge too... oh well
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Hey... not real talkative today, really blah
apartment inspection went okay I guess, wont know if there are any problems unless they mail me a citation. I hope I dont get one.
I started my new medication today... im off the luvox now... the cymbalta was okay, didnt make me sick or anything... i was tired but i was up earlier today so that may be why... but cymbalta can make you tired.
I had a bp a little while ago... im really scared that im gonna run out of food this month. I have about $10 in food stamps left (they decreased them) and about $40 in the bank. This is bad... it is only the 7th of the month.
All my bills are paid though...
my weight is messed up today... I ate 5 dill pickle spears last night and there is a lot of sodium in them... so i think i retained some water which is like over 1500g sodium...
alright i guess thats it... i just want to sleep or hide a way from my brain...
apartment inspection went okay I guess, wont know if there are any problems unless they mail me a citation. I hope I dont get one.
I started my new medication today... im off the luvox now... the cymbalta was okay, didnt make me sick or anything... i was tired but i was up earlier today so that may be why... but cymbalta can make you tired.
I had a bp a little while ago... im really scared that im gonna run out of food this month. I have about $10 in food stamps left (they decreased them) and about $40 in the bank. This is bad... it is only the 7th of the month.
All my bills are paid though...
my weight is messed up today... I ate 5 dill pickle spears last night and there is a lot of sodium in them... so i think i retained some water which is like over 1500g sodium...
alright i guess thats it... i just want to sleep or hide a way from my brain...
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Thank you Laila, I do not know what Jessica thinks... But I am really mad that she did not believe Kayla right away.
I talked to my therapist for about 10 minutes... im a little better...
I am planning on going over to my sisters this weekend... she wants me to come over friday-sunday but im gonna tell her just saturday and sunday...
I will be able to see the kids and do laundry...
on the down side I wont be able to purge there, my sister says whenever you flush the toilet or do laundry or take showers the septic bubbles up in the yard. SO NO purging.... and bags wont really work there... so I have to try to eat as little as possible.
uggg i gotta go purge...
just ate a ton
2 toasted ham and cheese sandwiches
2 (6-in) subs, 1 ham and cheese, 1 turkey and cheese
1/2 pkg of keebler cookies
3 boiled eggs
2 cans of split pea soup
Pre-purge 149.8 post purge 141.2
I talked to my therapist for about 10 minutes... im a little better...
I am planning on going over to my sisters this weekend... she wants me to come over friday-sunday but im gonna tell her just saturday and sunday...
I will be able to see the kids and do laundry...
on the down side I wont be able to purge there, my sister says whenever you flush the toilet or do laundry or take showers the septic bubbles up in the yard. SO NO purging.... and bags wont really work there... so I have to try to eat as little as possible.
uggg i gotta go purge...
just ate a ton
2 toasted ham and cheese sandwiches
2 (6-in) subs, 1 ham and cheese, 1 turkey and cheese
1/2 pkg of keebler cookies
3 boiled eggs
2 cans of split pea soup
Pre-purge 149.8 post purge 141.2
Weight today 140.6
i spent all day yesterday thinking it was wednesday... even while watching the biggest loser... duh me thats only on tuesday
So I have my apartment inspection tomorrow... fun
I am in a odd/bad/confused mood, i cant even really place the name of the mood, sad a lot too...
This may be triggering WARNING!!! Sexual molestion talked about!
Dont read if triggered easily!
Well I talked to my sister last night, planning on going over to her house saturday. We just talked about her, her love life, her work, you know my sister tends to be all about herself. Then she dropped a bombshell.
Kayla was molested. Recently. My niece (Jessicas) boyrfriend, an adult. Kayla was sleeping on the couch and this ass touched her. She woke up to him have his hands down her pants. (more stuff indepth but wont say here). I guess it was only like a couple minutes after Kayla woke up, the guy left. Kayla got up screaming and went in to tell Jessica (her sister, who is 23-24 yrs old) and Jessica told her 'ohh you just had a bad dream!'
So Kayla did not tell anyone else.
My other niece Melissa (also Kaylas sister, but she is 20) noticed that Kayla was acting different, and my sisters boyfriend (rick) was weird acting too. Kayla sitting on his lab... i dont know too much about that situation. But Melissa came out in to the room, where Kayla and Rick were and Kayla flew up off the couch and acted like she was doing something wrong.
Melissa got Rick to leave the house and go help my sister with something... She sat down and talked to Kayla. Kayla didnt say anything at first but Melissa shared that sometimes bad people touch kids. Like she was touched by her brother when she was about 5, that my sister (her mom) was touched when she was a teen. And that it happens. Kayla told Missy what happened with Jessicas boyfriend.
Melissa told my sister (Renee) and Renee gave Kayla till the next day to talk to her, While in that time She went over to this guys house and 'had a talk' not really sure what happened with that.
Kayla told Renee what happened, in depth... Renee then went and talked to our dad... he said you need to call the police (DUH) So Renee did. It took a little time but kayla shared with the police officer and they made a statement... Kayla had to go to a special doctor... there is PROOF
This ASS still has not been arrested but he is supposed to be soon.
Kayla is handling this pretty well, thank goodness.
Last night I was a mess... I was 'okayish' talking to my sister. but after I got off the phone... I just couldnt stop thinking... Kayla is 7... omg i cant believe this happened... but then my head was triggered
I was back to when I was 6, living with some friend of my moms... he was the first to abuse me. (very similar to what happened to Kayla)... I was feeling that stuff again, I was feeling bad, dirty, like i needed to be punished.
Which is insane! there was no reason for me to be mad at myself, no reason that I need to be punished. I did nothing wrong back then. But the feelings were there (still are). I want to just purge these feelings away, but I know they are too much to do that.they will still be there.
I dont know what to do
I want to be numb
I dont want to feel this
I thought about self injuring... I DONT do that, i CANT think of that, I WILL NOT help
What WILL?
Im trying to just put it out of my mind but it floats back after a little while.
I was finally able to fall asleep around 4 this morning because as soon as I started thinking about all this I said 'stop' think of something else... I had to do that so many times... but I got to sleep.
I want to cry, i want to scream, i want something to help
I am lost in these emotions, I dont know how to get out
i spent all day yesterday thinking it was wednesday... even while watching the biggest loser... duh me thats only on tuesday
So I have my apartment inspection tomorrow... fun
I am in a odd/bad/confused mood, i cant even really place the name of the mood, sad a lot too...
This may be triggering WARNING!!! Sexual molestion talked about!
Dont read if triggered easily!
Well I talked to my sister last night, planning on going over to her house saturday. We just talked about her, her love life, her work, you know my sister tends to be all about herself. Then she dropped a bombshell.
Kayla was molested. Recently. My niece (Jessicas) boyrfriend, an adult. Kayla was sleeping on the couch and this ass touched her. She woke up to him have his hands down her pants. (more stuff indepth but wont say here). I guess it was only like a couple minutes after Kayla woke up, the guy left. Kayla got up screaming and went in to tell Jessica (her sister, who is 23-24 yrs old) and Jessica told her 'ohh you just had a bad dream!'
So Kayla did not tell anyone else.
My other niece Melissa (also Kaylas sister, but she is 20) noticed that Kayla was acting different, and my sisters boyfriend (rick) was weird acting too. Kayla sitting on his lab... i dont know too much about that situation. But Melissa came out in to the room, where Kayla and Rick were and Kayla flew up off the couch and acted like she was doing something wrong.
Melissa got Rick to leave the house and go help my sister with something... She sat down and talked to Kayla. Kayla didnt say anything at first but Melissa shared that sometimes bad people touch kids. Like she was touched by her brother when she was about 5, that my sister (her mom) was touched when she was a teen. And that it happens. Kayla told Missy what happened with Jessicas boyfriend.
Melissa told my sister (Renee) and Renee gave Kayla till the next day to talk to her, While in that time She went over to this guys house and 'had a talk' not really sure what happened with that.
Kayla told Renee what happened, in depth... Renee then went and talked to our dad... he said you need to call the police (DUH) So Renee did. It took a little time but kayla shared with the police officer and they made a statement... Kayla had to go to a special doctor... there is PROOF
This ASS still has not been arrested but he is supposed to be soon.
Kayla is handling this pretty well, thank goodness.
Last night I was a mess... I was 'okayish' talking to my sister. but after I got off the phone... I just couldnt stop thinking... Kayla is 7... omg i cant believe this happened... but then my head was triggered
I was back to when I was 6, living with some friend of my moms... he was the first to abuse me. (very similar to what happened to Kayla)... I was feeling that stuff again, I was feeling bad, dirty, like i needed to be punished.
Which is insane! there was no reason for me to be mad at myself, no reason that I need to be punished. I did nothing wrong back then. But the feelings were there (still are). I want to just purge these feelings away, but I know they are too much to do that.they will still be there.
I dont know what to do
I want to be numb
I dont want to feel this
I thought about self injuring... I DONT do that, i CANT think of that, I WILL NOT help
What WILL?
Im trying to just put it out of my mind but it floats back after a little while.
I was finally able to fall asleep around 4 this morning because as soon as I started thinking about all this I said 'stop' think of something else... I had to do that so many times... but I got to sleep.
I want to cry, i want to scream, i want something to help
I am lost in these emotions, I dont know how to get out
Monday, April 4, 2011
well today is monday... measurement day and progress picture day
I put about 30+ pictures in my members photo album on MF
Today has been a long day...
therapy... grocery shopping... bping (lol)
todays weight 141.2 (would have been lower i think but it was an early day)
Measurements
Hips: 35.5 (36)
LR Hip: 32
Waist: 24.5 (25)
Breast: 30.5 (31)
Neck: 11.5 (11.75)
R Thigh: 19
L Thigh: 18 (18.5)
RU Arm: 9
LU Arm: 9.25
R Wrist: 5.5
L Wrist: 5.5
R Calf: 12.5
L Calf: 12.5
Inches lost: 1.75 URGGGG Weight lost since last monday 1.6 pounds URRRRRRGGGGGGG
a couple pics then the rest are in my photo album
I put about 30+ pictures in my members photo album on MF
Today has been a long day...
therapy... grocery shopping... bping (lol)
todays weight 141.2 (would have been lower i think but it was an early day)
Measurements
Hips: 35.5 (36)
LR Hip: 32
Waist: 24.5 (25)
Breast: 30.5 (31)
Neck: 11.5 (11.75)
R Thigh: 19
L Thigh: 18 (18.5)
RU Arm: 9
LU Arm: 9.25
R Wrist: 5.5
L Wrist: 5.5
R Calf: 12.5
L Calf: 12.5
Inches lost: 1.75 URGGGG Weight lost since last monday 1.6 pounds URRRRRRGGGGGGG
a couple pics then the rest are in my photo album
Sunday, April 3, 2011
okay yeah, im pretty sure last nights problem was a muscle problem (actually its not that surprising since I am having problems with my legs muscles?)
I still have a sore area, certain movements i can feel it more. and pressing on it is sore, thankfully not like last night... im gonna have to binge on smaller amounts of food, the binge last night was over 10 pounds
today... weight 141.6 getting lower... come on 130s
showered, i wish i looked like i was in the 140s... why do I have to look so huge?
im not doing much today... computer, crocheting, tv... eating sometime or another
will post more later
I still have a sore area, certain movements i can feel it more. and pressing on it is sore, thankfully not like last night... im gonna have to binge on smaller amounts of food, the binge last night was over 10 pounds
today... weight 141.6 getting lower... come on 130s
showered, i wish i looked like i was in the 140s... why do I have to look so huge?
im not doing much today... computer, crocheting, tv... eating sometime or another
will post more later
Saturday, April 2, 2011
OMG I just got offline from talking with Shannon, get ready for bed and purge... just had eaten 4 hot pockets, a bag of salad, a loaf of italian bread with butter, and a package of cookies (20+) I had also down my normal bottle of water, 1/2 bottle powerade zero, and because of the loaf of italian bread I got another bottle of water (1 litre size). I felt like after binge full... nothing different. When I stood up and picked up my plate, i felt like this pop, and i got a sharp pain where my stomach is, I couldnt stand up straight, and im like damn it did i pull a muscle or is all the food ripping out of my stomach. I got to the bathroom and my heart rate was 160, (high for walking to the bathroom)
I couldnt use my stomach muscles to purge because it felt like when i tightened them the pain was worse, so I stood bent over for a minutes, trying to swallow a little air to force some stuff down (my throat because im bent over) swallowing the air was hard but i managed enough to start bringing up some of the liquids. As the pressure released from my stomach I was like okay im gonna use my hand, i gotta get it out of me... All I could think was Im gonna see a ton of red... if my stomach is ripping. Thankfully when I use my hand it is not so hard on my stomach muscles. Once I got 80%ish out I was okay, I could stand up sorta straight, drink more water...
I finished purging, im okay... if i press on my stomach where the pain was its still there so I think I pulled a muscle.
Man Shannon, we were talking about esophageal ruptures not that long ago... uggg scary
I have been having some pain in the left lower rib/upper stomach area... maybe its muscular and this just made it worse
I NEED not to eat to when I feel like that, i cant risk that happening again... i thought, if i could just get all this food up and make sure im not bleeding, Really what would I have done if I started vomiting a lot of blood? try to make sure I got all the food up, try to call my sister or dad... but then i would have to explain how it happened.... yeah... or just call for help and dont tell anyone... ehhh im putting too much thought into it
But I really have never thought anything SERIOUS would happen to me, like lifethreatening serious, yeah i have dealt with my share of stomach problems but I am still here... lab works are usually pretty good...
see im fine
everything is okay
I couldnt use my stomach muscles to purge because it felt like when i tightened them the pain was worse, so I stood bent over for a minutes, trying to swallow a little air to force some stuff down (my throat because im bent over) swallowing the air was hard but i managed enough to start bringing up some of the liquids. As the pressure released from my stomach I was like okay im gonna use my hand, i gotta get it out of me... All I could think was Im gonna see a ton of red... if my stomach is ripping. Thankfully when I use my hand it is not so hard on my stomach muscles. Once I got 80%ish out I was okay, I could stand up sorta straight, drink more water...
I finished purging, im okay... if i press on my stomach where the pain was its still there so I think I pulled a muscle.
Man Shannon, we were talking about esophageal ruptures not that long ago... uggg scary
I have been having some pain in the left lower rib/upper stomach area... maybe its muscular and this just made it worse
I NEED not to eat to when I feel like that, i cant risk that happening again... i thought, if i could just get all this food up and make sure im not bleeding, Really what would I have done if I started vomiting a lot of blood? try to make sure I got all the food up, try to call my sister or dad... but then i would have to explain how it happened.... yeah... or just call for help and dont tell anyone... ehhh im putting too much thought into it
But I really have never thought anything SERIOUS would happen to me, like lifethreatening serious, yeah i have dealt with my share of stomach problems but I am still here... lab works are usually pretty good...
see im fine
everything is okay
Hey Thanks Laila <3
today my weight was back to 142.2, yesterday was just an awful april fools day joke from my body.
I still hope to be under 140 monday but i think that will be too soon...
ate out today... blah lol
burger king and mcdonalds
a double cheeseburger
medium fries
medium soda
6 piece chicken fries
strawberry swirl cheesecake
--
double quarter pounder
large fries
large soda
(Today mcdonalds fries SUCKED, i usually like them better but ick)
After leaving mcdonalds i was walking home, (fast so i could purge), took me about 15 minutes, on my street i was crossing and this car went by really close to me, and you know I was thinking omg if that car hit me I would have to crawl home and purge before trying to get medical help... then i was thinking what if getting hit made me unconcious? the food would all stay in me! uggg i dont know lots of weird thoughts
today my weight was back to 142.2, yesterday was just an awful april fools day joke from my body.
I still hope to be under 140 monday but i think that will be too soon...
ate out today... blah lol
burger king and mcdonalds
a double cheeseburger
medium fries
medium soda
6 piece chicken fries
strawberry swirl cheesecake
--
double quarter pounder
large fries
large soda
(Today mcdonalds fries SUCKED, i usually like them better but ick)
After leaving mcdonalds i was walking home, (fast so i could purge), took me about 15 minutes, on my street i was crossing and this car went by really close to me, and you know I was thinking omg if that car hit me I would have to crawl home and purge before trying to get medical help... then i was thinking what if getting hit made me unconcious? the food would all stay in me! uggg i dont know lots of weird thoughts
Friday, April 1, 2011
well it seems my body decided to play an april fools joke, I slept like maybe 2 hours last night... i couldnt shut my brain off after I woke up at 3... so when i weighed myself this morning, I was freaked out... I didnt lose my normal weight overnight. uggg I was the exact same as I was when I went to bed. NOW that is ridiculous! I better sleep tonight and my weight better be back where its supposed to be tomorrow!
I cant even post my weight it is disgusting
I had 2 bps today... i wanna try not to have another but having food is so hard to resist
BP1
1 snack size chips
24 oz root beer (not diet)
2 orders of sweet and sour chicken, 1 order white rice
tea, raspberry lemonade
BP2
1 turkey/provolone/lettuce/tomato 12 in sub
1 meatball/pepperoni 12 in sub
3 cookies, 2 peanut butter, 1 raspberry cheesecake (YUM)
1 pound cake thing, but blueberry (store didnt have my blueberry muffins)
water
and with all the walking im sore... :(
My psychiatrist office called me today, she wants me to stop my Luvox (helps with ocd thoughts), she was decreasing it when i saw her on tuesday but she talked to another dr and she wants me off it. I have a lot of unexplained bruising on my legs, the pharmacist says it might help my leg pains. My psych is having me start a new med, cymbalta, never been on that before... I have to research it, the little that i was able to read so far was can cause loss of appetite :) really thats all I read I made sure it didnt say weight gain. I am going to research some more though. I dont know i hope it helps with the leg pains
I really want to eat
alright i probably could write more but its 8:30 so this will be it.
I cant even post my weight it is disgusting
I had 2 bps today... i wanna try not to have another but having food is so hard to resist
BP1
1 snack size chips
24 oz root beer (not diet)
2 orders of sweet and sour chicken, 1 order white rice
tea, raspberry lemonade
BP2
1 turkey/provolone/lettuce/tomato 12 in sub
1 meatball/pepperoni 12 in sub
3 cookies, 2 peanut butter, 1 raspberry cheesecake (YUM)
1 pound cake thing, but blueberry (store didnt have my blueberry muffins)
water
and with all the walking im sore... :(
My psychiatrist office called me today, she wants me to stop my Luvox (helps with ocd thoughts), she was decreasing it when i saw her on tuesday but she talked to another dr and she wants me off it. I have a lot of unexplained bruising on my legs, the pharmacist says it might help my leg pains. My psych is having me start a new med, cymbalta, never been on that before... I have to research it, the little that i was able to read so far was can cause loss of appetite :) really thats all I read I made sure it didnt say weight gain. I am going to research some more though. I dont know i hope it helps with the leg pains
I really want to eat
alright i probably could write more but its 8:30 so this will be it.
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