Weight today 140.6

i spent all day yesterday thinking it was wednesday... even while watching the biggest loser... duh me thats only on tuesday

So I have my apartment inspection tomorrow... fun

I am in a odd/bad/confused mood, i cant even really place the name of the mood, sad a lot too...

This may be triggering WARNING!!! Sexual molestion talked about!
Dont read if triggered easily!

Well I talked to my sister last night, planning on going over to her house saturday. We just talked about her, her love life, her work, you know my sister tends to be all about herself. Then she dropped a bombshell.
Kayla was molested. Recently. My niece (Jessicas)  boyrfriend, an adult. Kayla was sleeping on the couch and this ass touched her. She woke up to him have his hands down her pants. (more stuff indepth but wont say here). I guess it was only like a couple minutes after Kayla woke up, the guy left. Kayla got up screaming and went in to tell Jessica (her sister, who is 23-24 yrs old) and Jessica told her 'ohh you just had a bad dream!'
So Kayla did not tell anyone else.
My other niece Melissa (also Kaylas sister, but she is 20) noticed that Kayla was acting different, and my sisters boyfriend (rick) was weird acting too. Kayla sitting on his lab... i dont know too much about that situation. But Melissa came out in to the room, where Kayla and Rick were and Kayla flew up off the couch and acted like she was doing something wrong.
Melissa got Rick to leave the house and go help my sister with something... She sat down and talked to Kayla. Kayla didnt say anything at first but Melissa shared that sometimes bad people touch kids. Like she was touched by her brother when she was about 5, that my sister (her mom) was touched when she was a teen. And that it happens. Kayla told Missy what happened with Jessicas boyfriend.
Melissa told my sister (Renee) and Renee gave Kayla till the next day to talk to her, While in that time She went over to this guys house and 'had a talk' not really sure what happened with that.
Kayla told Renee what happened, in depth... Renee then went and talked to our dad... he said you need to call the police (DUH) So Renee did. It took a little time but kayla shared with the police officer and they made a statement... Kayla had to go to a special doctor... there is PROOF
This ASS still has not been arrested but he is supposed to be soon.
Kayla is handling this pretty well, thank goodness.
Last night I was a mess... I was 'okayish' talking to my sister. but after I got off the phone... I just couldnt stop thinking... Kayla is 7... omg i cant believe this happened... but then my head was triggered
I was back to when I was 6, living with some friend of my moms... he was the first to abuse me. (very similar to what happened to Kayla)... I was feeling that stuff again, I was feeling bad, dirty, like i needed to be punished.
Which is insane! there was no reason for me to be mad at myself, no reason that I need to be punished. I did nothing wrong back then. But the feelings were there (still are). I want to just purge these feelings away, but I know they are too much to do that.they will still be there.
I dont know what to do
I want to be numb
I dont want to feel this

I thought about self injuring... I DONT do that, i CANT think of that, I WILL NOT help
What WILL?

Im trying to just put it out of my mind but it floats back after a little while.
I was finally able to fall asleep around 4 this morning because as soon as I started thinking about all this I said 'stop' think of something else... I had to do that so many times... but I got to sleep.

I want to cry, i want to scream, i want something to help

I am lost in these emotions, I dont know how to get out