Thank you Laila! <3 Love you

well today is monday... well almost over now...
was measurement day, I actually did them, not a lot of change for not doing them last week.

Hip: 35 (35.5)
LR Hip: 32
Waist: 24.5
Breast: 30.5
Neck: 11.5
R Thigh: 18.5 (19)
L Thigh: 17.75 (18)
RU Arm: 9
LU Arm: 9 (9.25)
R Wrist: 5.5
L Wrist: 5.5
R Calf: 12.5
L Calf: 12.25 (12.5)

Difference 1.75 inches, weight loss since last monday 6.4 (that is up because I gained at my sisters, otherwise I lost 3 lbs since the 9th)

I took pictures... will add some

so therapy was interesting... I tried avoiding the food/weight topic... but after 30 minutes Brenda brought it up... She asked if I lost weight, I said not really just what I gained at my sisters... she accepted that... She asked if I was in the 150s or the 140s... I said 140s still... Im not going back up. She said its too low for you. I said no not really my bmi is okay
She asked how much more weight do I wanna lose or what my goal weight is... I said I didnt know... I told her she wouldnt understand it as like my friends with eating disorders do. She said understand or encourage... I said a little of both but then I said not all my friends want me to lose more weight... Shannon thinks I look good now, she doesnt think I should lose more weight. I almost told Brenda what my goal was, but thankfully I kept my mouth shut.
She went on her computer when I said I wouldnt be underweight until I reached 132, she was arguing with me and I was listing what my bmi would be at 132, 137, 143 and she was like let me check... ohh and she asked for my current weight... I told her 147 without really thinking... glad I didnt blurt out the 137. So then she was like ohh I cant complain about your weight because your bmi is 20.5, and hers is 20.2
I was *thank god I lied*
then she goes on about how she has weight just about the same weight for the last 2 years and it has always been 2 lbs up or 2 pounds down from a stable weight for her... 113... uggg ohhh and she was too thin at 107... uggg I DO NOT HAVE HER BODY, MY WEIGHT WILL NOT STAY LIKE HERS!!!

I REALLY HATE WHEN SHE GOES ON AND ON ABOUT HOW MY BODY CAN DO THAT, IT CANT! But because I dont keep trying for more than a week at a time, *i will never know*

She told me that if I could stop purging she wouldnt mind me weight in the upper 130s... I said I wanted to stop binging more
she said oh then you will just lose more weight... I was like binging is more dangerous right now for me... She was confused. I said well a normal stomach normally holds about 30 oz, HECK I drink at least 32 oz with my binges... She said ohh so your electrolytes can get thrown off... I said no not really Im worried about my stomach ripping or something. She said Ive never heard of that. I was like IT HAPPENS, she kinda just looked at me like *okay*

Seriously I have been thinking it is entirely possible I could rip my stomach open one of these times... I think of trying not to binge but then I binge and not till I am almost done (purging) I remember that ohh damn I am not supposed to be binging anymore... I need to stop it

I gain on ups of 7-10 pounds with each binge, that is A LOT for a stomach to hold.
my binge today... yeah pre-purge 148, post purge 139.2.... so MUCH

And my weight this morning was 137.0 so yeah it is a lot

my binge was a 'break and bake' pack of chocolate chip cookies (24 cookies)
raw carrots with blue cheese dressing
4 slices bread and butter
24 oz water
a dinner for 4 people (chicken rice and broccoli dish)
1 can of carrots
1 can of green beans
3/4 pack of frozen shrimp
(i also added a can of black eyed peas but they were nasty so i ate around them)
More water (32 oz)

Uggg I gotta stop this... But I just eat and cant stop

okay i guess that is it for now
ohh and pictures